Limbo

Just another silly poem: Make this nightmare go away This isn’t happening At some point it should have stopped I was supposed to wake up We would have made it Right Mom? We could have found each other If only we had more time Why did you steal time from us? Please god if there is a god Do not let this be real This cannot be true The pain is inexplicable I cannot carry on this way It is the worst joke of all But it is a joke It has to be There is no way this is real Stop it now! Please let me wake up Aries

MrsH, very sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about the downward spiral. My Mom passed May 16th, and we are still waiting for the wall plaque to be ready for the interment and dedication. We have yet to liquidate the assets in her apartment. That should be happening soon, but as soon as I realized this would have to be done, I went down hill, it was like someone tore open a wound that was starting to heal. On top of all of this it seems like I am missing her more each day instead of less. I hope the pain will peak sometime and start to subside. I no longer watch the time every Saturday afternoon (that was when she passed) but I do seem to know it on a subconscious level and get very tired and weepy around that time. I still spend time dazing pretty much everyday. Although I have gone from thinking about her every minute, to maybe a few hours in between. We all grieve differently but share a bond here I think. These people are caring and compassionate and we understand each others pain. Sometimes I just read but do feel the need to reach out to posts such as yours. May you find healing and peace in your own good time and if you ever want to email me please do not hesitate. Hugz and healing Aries

Nikol, I am dreading my Mom's memorial but try to remember, grief like everything else is a journey to be taken one step at a time. I am grateful and saddened that there are people here who know the path and are walking it with me. Let your Grandma's love be the strength that gets you through today and tomorrow and know we are here to support you. Hugz and positive energy Aries

Hi Josie, I want to thank you so much for posting a comment. Honestly I was feeling very alone, even here. A lot of people talk about how wonderful their mothers were in the traditional sense, and it was just making me feel more isolated. Thanks to you I know I am not alone. Strong and independent, especially in a woman, can come off looking like tough and bitchy, the contradiction is true. Thank you for sharing Walt Whitman's quote, haven't read much of his writing. I for one have no doubt that in an indescribable sense they are right here. I guess the only thing we can do is move on with them in our hearts, keeping their best qualities alive in us. Maybe Walt Whitman if he were here might say something like "The less I am the more I become nothing's everything endlessly stopping to smell the roses." Hugz and positive energy, Aries

Josie, thank you and let me say I am so sorry for your loss. My mother passed May 16th 2009 and it just seems as each day goes by I am missing her more. Mom wasn't an easy woman to understand, she cared so much for the underdog in her own way. Many people didn't understand that. I want to stay true to who she was, but it's difficult for me to understand as well. What I do know is she had a marshmallow core, but it was hidden under a strong, independent and many would say tough exterior. Regardless I loved her so much and miss her even more now. thank you again for posting Josie. Hugz and healing Aries

Thanks Kavish and leeann you confirm the best approach,I know it. Guess I will have to deal with the negative thoughts one at a time as they come up. Thanks again for your excellent advice. Hugz and healing Aries

Hi Everyone, I wrote this piece today and wanted to share it. Mom wasn't the easiest person to define, but I think I did OK and maybe some can relate? Finding True Love I sit in the light of mother’s death Remembering a strong lady, scarred The scars made us laugh until we cried What greater compassion exists? Goodbye Mum, thanks for the instructions Aries C.

Hi has anyone else experienced this? Yesterday I was walking through the grocery store and something prompted me to remember specific things my Mom used to do for the grand kids. You know like she had to bring a giant box of Rose's (chocolates) for Christmas Day that sort of thing. As soon as I remembered that experience my mind raced toward the way we would laugh at her obsessive need to get everything just perfect. We never laughed in front of her, but it was always a running joke. Now I realize how special those moments were and why it was important for her to do those things. I feel terrible that we took her for granted that way. I just want to remember the wonderful things she used to do, how do I deal with the regret and guilt that I didn't show more appreciation for the special things she always did for us? Any advice would be so appreciated this one really hurts. Thanks Aries

Nikol, first let me say how sorry I am that your Grandma has passed. My mother passed 6 weeks ago, and it is a very painful loss. I have two daughters ages 24 and 17, both of them feel a lot of grief over their Grandma's death. I think sometimes we do just need to cry. I am older and taking courses at college, but some days it is very difficult to focus. Be compassionate with yourself. When you really cannot concentrate take a bit of time to cry and just feel the loss. I have found if you don't fight to keep control it will wash over you and give a bit of relief until the next time. I agree with your Grandma she would want you to carry on. I think there are many things my mother wished she could have done, and maybe your Grandma as well. I choose to live for her now, pursuing my dreams, but at the same time giving myself time and permission to cry and feel the loss when I need to. I talk to my Mom often and have the sense she isn't "gone". Just not the same in the physical sense anymore. I hope that you find some comfort here on this site. I come here often sometimes just to read and hang out with others who understand. If you ever want to chat, please feel free to email anytime. Take good care Aries

JR. My deepest sympathy and condolences to you. I am so sorry about your Dad, this sounds like an extremely difficult situation. My Mother passed away 6 weeks ago and honestly at times I feel like I am on the verge of breaking down as well. I think at this point all I can really say is you have found a wonderful place here with some deeply caring people who support each other. I come here often, do not post a lot, but read what others are experiencing and know that I am OK. This is grief and yes it hurts like hell. If you ever need someone to chat with please do not hesitate to email me if you feel like it. I am here just trying to make sense out of it all, with the rest. Warmest Regards Aries

Pookie, thank you so much for the condolences. Judging by the substance in these posts, we have a serious problem and it is not limited to a particular country. The negligent and dehumanizing treatment of individuals by those entrusted with their care must stop. Like Sherr I don't want to bash any particular organization, most likely the issues are system wide and very complex. But maybe we who have been through this nightmare can help by adding our voice to those who work toward raising of awareness of the severe problems that exist in our health care facilities. My Mom was a fighter, she cared deeply for the undergone and when necessary was a force to be reckoned with. That is one of the things she taught me. I know that once I feel a bit stronger I will be doing my part here in Canada. As for what is wrong with the system (I think Sherr asked that question) I am starting to wonder what isn't wrong with it! Hugz and healing pookie and to everyone here. Aries

Hi Deb, so sorry for your loss. This health care issue does seem to be the link to a lot of pain endured when a loved one is ill or passing. I have heard some wonderful stories about hospice care and regret not having that opportunity with my Mom. But it all happened very quickly in the end. She got pneumonia on the May 14th and passed early morning of May 16th. The ironic part they had found her a bed in long term care and she was scheduled for transfer on May 19th. I cannot imagine the pain you and your family must be feeling. It sounds like your Mom lived well "91" wow! To be put through such a heart rending situation due to the rehab hospital at the end is just wrong. I cannot say much more. If you feel you have the grounds and means to sue the hospital, it might not be such a bad idea or maybe just raise awareness of what is going on behind those walls. I know that I have my story to tell, I am a writer and journal everything. But right now my heart is in too much pain to focus on the "good" fight. May you find peace and healing Hugz Aries P.S. - I am here at the other end an email if you ever feel like chatting. I joined this site only a few weeks ago and find it helps me get through the day.

Hello, first let me say how sorry I am for your loss. My Mother passed away 5 weeks ago today. Although our situations are very different when I read through your email I noticed some startling similarities as well. My Mom was hospitalized in mid February, diagnosed with advance liver disease. The toxins had built up in her system causing delusion. It was the first we had heard about her disease, she kept the diagnosis a secret for ten years. The condition was caused by excessive prescription drug use and obesity. While in hospital we experienced stonewall after stone wall in terms of her prognosis. I finally resorted to the internet for information. I knew from others experiences she could live for quite sometime. She was only 66 years old. While in hospital my Mom suffered indignity after indignity at the hands of certain individuals (nurses) who seemed to lack the necessary professionalism and compassion to perform their jobs. We did encounter several nurses who were absolutely amazing but that was the exception not the norm. Mom was shifted around from floor to floor dependent on the treatment she required as well as moved in and out of isolation several times due to a "query" that there might be an infectious condition present. None of this made much sense and it all seemed very disorganized and bewildering. I felt it was a tremendous burden to request information on her condition treatment and prognosis from those who worked in the hospital. But we were expected to be present and take care of many of her needs. My Mom was made to feel like a burden to the system, she had paid into for many years (OHIP). After going through this process with her I would honestly say to anyone who asked, do not leave your loved one alone in hospital. I have little faith in the health care system here in Ontario, Canada and have absolutely zero understanding of its current mandate. Saving lives and improving quality of life do not appear to be a priority. I do feel some sense of guilt and regret that I was not there for her more often than I was. But hindsight is 20/20 and even if I was more outspoken I felt there was a backlash scenario that might have put my mother at risk for additional neglect of one sort or another. Bottom line I do not think you did anything wrong, unless trusting those in a position to save lives is misplaced trust. May you find healing, and feel free to contact me via email if you ever want to chat. We are all in this together, be kind to yourself and know there are many good people on this site, who can share their experiences with you. Hugz Aries

Joan, I am so sorry for your loss. My Mom passed on May 19th and I do not feel that I have really started grieving for her. I cry, I want to pick up the phone and did once, big mistake I had to listen to "we're sorry this number is no longer in service". It sounds like you were very close in life, it is so hard to have someone torn from our lives this way. It is not fair, nor is it something we ever really "get over". But what do I know very new at this myself. Have done alot of reading here on the boards there are some amazing and compassionate people. If anything it may help you feel not so alone to read what they are going through and how they cope. And know that I personally am here if you ever feel like sending an email. I can't make it better but we can help each other and honor their lives with our compassion. Be gentle with yourself, grieve as you need to and I hope you can feel the warm hug I send to you now. Hugs Aries

Hi Anna, first let me offer my condolences on the passing of your Mom. I read your entire post and she sounds like an awesome person. I lost my Mother May 19th 2009. And there isn't a minute that goes by that I do not think about her. Aside from expressing my condolences let me be the first to offer you the same helpful advice I received after joining this site. Take it day by day, be kind to yourself, express your grief and hold her dear in memory. My Mom and I were not as close in life as you were to your Mom, but in many ways I feel that through the grieving process I am getting to know her more and more. Warmest hugz Ariesh