Elizabeth149

Jen-I'm so sorry for your loss. 18 years is a long time to share with another living being. I agree with what has been said here - you did the right thing, helping your beloved bubby to die. I understand the guilt as I questioned everything I after I helped both my Chela (17-year old dog) and Casper (13 -year old dog) leave this world. Chela has been gone 17 months now and I still miss her terribly. Casper has been gone 8 months now and I still have a difficult time even talking about her passing. LIke it has already been said -- your Bubby was with you through your everyday life, there to greet you when you woke up or got home, there to cheer you up when you were heart broken or lonely, there to accept you unconditionally as no human can. Of course you feel empty without her, she was a bright shining, loving light in your life. Please don't allow guilt to haunt you - you did the right thing. When the guilt starts to fester and torment me, I remind myself that everything I did for Chela and Casper I did out of pure love. As right or wrong as those decisions may have been or not been, I couldn't bear to see them suffer one more moment. It's an unselfish gift we give them -- perhaps only one of a few unselfish acts we commit as humans. When the guilt starts to hit, please remind yourself of the pure love you shared with your bubby. She would want you to remember the wonderful life the two of you had together, not the last few moments of her life. Be kind to yourself. It will take a long time for your heart to adjust to this new world you're in, be patient and kind to yourself as your Bubby would be. Take care! Elizabeth

You're very welcome Eldwyn, it's a tough time and it's a lonely time and though I"m not on the other side of grief yet, all I can really offer is the hope that it will ease. There will be moments - maybe even days - when you feel like you'll be OK and then something triggers the profound sadness again and you feel like you're starting over. Maybe knowing this will likely happen will help you feel a little prepared for what is to come. There will come times when you find yourself smiling or even laughing for the first time and it may surprise you that you're laughing when your heart is still so broken. It's a hard road and quite unpleasant, but you will get through it. Just take baby steps, don't worry about how you'll cope tomorrow, just focus on the here and now. That helps me cope when I feel overwhelmed by it all. I will agree with you, my country is the greatest even with all the problems we have. I do know there are animal lovers there, they just might not be as open as we Americans can be. You'll find them. INn the meantime, you can find sympathetic and listening ears and open hearts here. I'm glad something I said earlier helped - I'm hoping that you'll find many things that help ease your pain. Like I said earlier, it'll probably be little chunks at first but you will find relief eventually. Remember to be kind to yourself. Sending you a BIG HUG and hope you find in person hugs because those to help!! Elizabeth

Dear Elwyn, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your beloved Pebbles. I can feel the pain you're in right now. Losing someone - animal or person - that we love so dearly is such a devastating event. Words don't seem adequate enough to express the sadness and loneliness or sense of profound emptiness that grief brings with it. This thing called grief is in my opinion the worst experience a person goes through. When it's the death of a pet, many in society don't understand the depth the loss goes. My heart goes out to you. I had my dog Chela for 17 years and like you, I knew she had a wonderful life - but that didn't help me cope with being here without her. She's been gone 15 months now and I'm still trying to cope with it. Mine was compounded by the death of my 13 year old dog Casper 9 months later, along with an accident that has caused severe physical issues as well - but the deaths of my dogs has just been overwhelming to me. I still cry almost every day. I do feel like I'm beginning to come to terms with it but I'm still missing them horribly. It was easier on me emotionally to lose my mother and my brother than it has been to lose my dogs - so I understand where you're coming from. Our animals love us unconditionally; whereas people don't. Our dogs are there to greet us cheerfully regardless of how their days went; people - they don't do that. No matter how much we love a person, that person will at some point say or do something that hurts us. Our animals don't. I too prefer the company of my animals over people 99.9% of the time and always have. I think it's the unconditional acceptance they offer. Your wife is right in that life does go on but it's important that you work through what you're feeling and experiencing with the loss of Pebbles. Sharing your grief with those who understand is helpful; you'll find that you're not alone in how you feel towards your pet. You're not crazy or weird for mourning Pebbles. In my search for some understanding, I've found that many of the petloss books and literature compare the loss of an animal to that of a child. The bonds go very deep for some with their animals, and it's important that you connect with like minded people - who can help you process this loss in your life. I'll be honest, it's going to hurt for awhile - a therapist friend suggested that I just accept that life is going to suck for the first year because it's full of firsts. But, on the other side of grief, you'll find some comfort eventually, and some peace. Knowing Pebbles had a wonderful and long life with you will bring you comfort - just not right now. It might help you to write down in a journal what you're feeling during those middle of the night wanderings when sleep isn't possible. Writing letters to Pebbles may be helpful as well as writing letters to you from her. Please try and get what extra rest you can as your body is in shock and needs nurturing and care right now. This too means eating healthy foods. It also can be helpful to get physical exercise. I found that daily walks helped ease the anxiety a bit. Try and find an outlet - something you can do that takes your mind away from your grief for a little while. It'll probably only be little chunks of time at first as your thoughts will likely return to your loss and sadness. There are many resources here and online dealing with pet loss. There's a live chat at www.ALLN.org on Wednesday nights at 8:30 eastern time. I'm not sure what that transfers to where you are, but you're welcome to join. It really does help a little to be able to "talk" with those who are in the same situation. I hope you're able to find something that brings you some comfort. Especially during these early days when the pain is so raw. Sending you a hug from Utah (USA). Hang in there and please be gentle to yourself for awhile. Hugs, Elizabeth

Bees-you haven't been around for awhile. I'm hoping and praying that you're OK. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs, Elizabeth

Hi EAF, I got your email yesterday but didn't get a chance to respond before our email went down (I use my work account). Hope yesterday was tolerable for you. I'll answer your email tomorrow when I can. Our new boss starts, so it might be nuts during the day. I can relate to that unrelenting I want to die feeling. It's so overwhelming sometimes. It does start to ease but for everyone the amount of time is different. It's not easy to be patient but that's the best advice I can give. Time will ease your pain. I wake up wondering how much longer is this going to hurt but it hurts less than it did those first 6 months after Chela died. With Casper, I think I'm bouncing between extreme sadness and emptiness to being numb. It's been 5 months. I too feel like the universe is out to kill me because I kept getting hit with one thing after another after another. I just couldn't recover from one thing when another hit -- so I can relate on some levels. Wanting to be out of this hell but not knowing how to see my way through it. I can't say I've survived but I am surviving -- just taking one moment, one deep breath at a time. Hang in there! You're not alone. Elizabeth

Hi KayC, Wow, that must have been so hard to lose your dog and your husband in the same week. Thank you for sharing though - because it shows that it is possible to move forward through the grief. I'm glad you've got Arley. Knowing that some day he too will pass at least helps you appreciate the time you have together now. The past 5 years, when Chela started showing signs of slowing down, I realized then that she wasn't going to be with me here forever, so every day I had with her -- and with Casper -- I cherished and showered love and hugs and kisses on them. I didn't go to sleep at night without giving them loves and telling them thank you for being here with me. It has still been a struggle for survival but at least I can tell myself I did some things right and I enjoyed the time I had with them and they enjoyed their time with me. Even though their deaths have caused me more pain than I ever imagined I could endure, I wouldn't have missed those years I had with them. I wouldn't trade those years in to relieve this pain. Enjoying Arley doesn't take away the others from your heart. He just adds to it. They don't replace each other, they are unique in their own ways and our bonds with each is unique. They do help us cope with the grief and they create their own special place in our hearts. I'm hoping to find another one again -- when the time is right. Until then, I'll foster when needed. It helps fill the emptiness in my house. Take care, Elizabeth

Hi EAF, You have had a hard week. I sent you a rather lengthy email last night. I was feeling rather overwhelmed myself, so it's a bit long. I know today is a hard day for you and just wanted to wish you strength to get through it. Sorry to hear you're sick. I got really sick after Chela died in March. It's most likely an accumulation of the stress you've been going through. Please take extra care - take some extra vitamin C and drink lots of fluids and try and get some extra rest. As I mentioned in the email, that crushing feeling in your chest is most likely stress/anxiety. You've experienced a crushing loss, the symptoms are likely to show up physically as well as emotionally. If they continue or get worse, I recommend going to the doctor and seeing if he/she can give you a low dose of anti-anxiety medication. Poor Dodger - I hope he has a quick recovery. I'm sure the financial burdens are also taking their toll on you emotionally and physically. You've got a lot to deal with right now, please please take care of yourself and listen to your body - when it needs to rest, please let it rest. I'm glad that the animal communicator has helped you some. I say anything that helps bring you some peace and comfort is worth it. I'm thinking about it myself. How much does this person you're talking to now cost? And, how does it work? Do they just tell you what comes to them, or do you ask them questions? Maybe one could help you with Lexi, Sunny and Dover -- sounds like all three are having some issues. Maybe Sunny is ready to retire, and maybe Lexi is just misunderstood? Crying when you already don't feel good makes it that much worse. I'm so sorry. I'll have to maybe pick up that "Love Never Dies" book you spoke of. It's important to look for sources that bring us some help. I bought a book about losing a child. I haven't opened it yet but I think the principle applies to any severe and intense loss. That sense of aloneness, despair and defeat can be so overpowering at times, it's hard to muddle through it. I hope that these books help all of us get through the profound sadness. The pain does get worse for awhile - at least it did for me. Once the utter numbness wears completely off, it's extremely painful. But, you will adjust again, you'll rebuild your routines, your life. It does happen. it seems that somehow, we manage to make it through. As I mentioned in the email, it's important to hold onto the good things you did instead of beating yourself up on what you feel you did wrong. At least I think I said something along those lines. My memory is horrible these days. I'm glad you told that woman to find someone else. I don't understand why some people have a dog when they don't even make the time to walk them once in awhile. Not all animal owners are animal lovers and they don't connect with their animals like people here do. That inability to breathe sometimes - or feeling like you can't breathe - it's stress/anxiety. I battle that myself. When you're feeling overwhelmed, take deep, deep breaths and let them out slowly. I know with a cold, that'll be hard, but when we're stressed, we don't breathe like we should and that adds to the stress when the body reacts. So, take lots of deep breaths. I want you to know I think it's normal for you to want to tell the creator a mistake has been made - that Lexi should be the one to have been taken. You may feel guilty over those thoughts at some point but your bond with Harley was much deeper than with Lexi. It just isn't Lexi's time to go right now. For whatever reason, it was Harley's. It's one of the most difficult part of life to let go of the pain we feel when one we love dies. Of all the emotions, I think grief is the hardest. We do get through it though. I know you don't think you'll ever feel happy again and you're overwhelmed over all the time you could be here without your Harley. That's why I recommend taking it just one step, one day, one moment at a time - so that you're dealing with now and what you're feeling now and not worrying about what may or may not happen tomorrow. Thinking about days, months, years is just too much right now. Your anger is also a very normal reaction. I had a complete meltdown and ended up kicking a hole in my wall. Luckily I didn't hit a 2x4 but with my bad back, it was not a good idea but it felt good to let some of it out. If you have something you can destroy with a baseball bat that might help get some of it out too. when Coco died in '98, i took a hammer to some cement and just pounded it until I was exhausted and the cement was practically dust. It helps a lot to get out that anger. Holding it in will only create more stress on you emotionally and physically. You need an outlet for all the sadness and anger you feel. It's important to find one that's safe for you but releases the tension you're experiencing. The rainbow picture is so pretty. Imagining Harley sliding down it is even more precious. I'm glad that's what you were doing. I know weather is hard for me too. Chela and Casper both loved to lay out in the warm sunshine. They also loved playing in the snow and Casper and I really enjoyed our walks in the park when it was raining because we'd have the park to ourselves and she could be off leash without risk. At first, everything is so hard and exhausting but there will come a day when the sunshines and you don't cry. It's not because you've let go of Harley, it's because you let go of the pain. I look forward to that day for both of us - and for all those who are in our same situation. I pray that your financial situation turns around and you're able to keep your horse. Can you maybe find someone to temporarily take him for you? I'm happy to hear you forced yourself to take Milo to agility. It's good for you to get out and do something every day. It's so freakin' hard some days but it's important that you make yourself get out. I'm hoping that Sunny's neuro exam comes back OK. It'll be really hard to retire him -- but it sounds like Milo can maybe step in and help bring some joy back into your life. If it's best for Sunny to retire, then you'll do that for him. Maybe that animal communicator can help you with that so he doesn't get depressed over it. Cubicle life isn't so bad yet -- but the dust in the building has been killing my lungs. I'm allergic to dust - not the mites in the dust, but the dust itself, so anything that stirs it up makes me pretty miserable. I think I pushed myself over the edge on it yesterday when I figured I felt crappy anyway, why not actually dust my bedroom? I haven't dusted in there since I brought Casper's ashes home and dusted the shelf to put her next to Chela. Today I really do not feel well. i am giving myself some pats on the back for making myself stay in bed this morning even though it was making my heart race to do it when I first woke up. It's like I wake up and my body/brain says crap, it's another day, what's going to happen? But, I'm doing a lot of self talk in hopes of relieving that reaction. The dust in the building is also bothering my "bad" eye. I scratched my cornea in Jan. of last year and was blind in that eye for 3 days. It's torn open twice since then and the added dust in the air was really causing it to feel like it was going to rip open again. I'm keeping it gooped up hoping that doesn't happen, but sometimes,it doesn't matter what I do, it tears anyway. It feels like glass in your eye when it happens. They say that the worst of the tear down is over so we'll see how the week goes. The foster puppies are doing great. They are so dang cute. They do bring some smiles so that's a good thing. I haven't tried Ignatia. Have you? Did it help any? I hope you find something peaceful and comforting today. If Harley was anything like my girls, he would want you to be smiling. He's still here, all around you, you just can't see him and touch him anymore. A friend on the ALLN chat that I attend, was told by another friend that we need to learn to love them from afar. They aren't really gone, and our love doesn't die, the circumstances just change. So, I'm trying to love my girls from afar. Hoping that the love they felt from me stays with them as their love for me does. Hang in there and BIG HUGS!! I wish i could give you a hug and tell you you're going to be OK. I don't know that you will be OK any more than I know I will be but I do believe we will be OK someday. We just have to be patient with ourselves and gentle with our broken hearts. Hugs, Elizabeth PS - haven't seen any movies this week. I'm thinking maybe Shrek 3 but it depends on if this sick feeling in my stomach lets up or not.

Goodmorning EAF, Dodger and Harley do look a lot alike - I thought that picture was another of Harley. Poor Dodger. I read a poem about sadness being a constant companion. That song "Goodmorning Heartache" seem to fit too - at least parts of it. I know what you mean about ever feeling well adjusted again but I think it comes - it's just a long way away. I saw a quote that said "I dropped a tear in the ocean today, when you find it that's when I'll stop missing you." I think we'll always miss those beloved souls. Have you talked to the group you're foster this dog for? She does need to find a place where she fits in. That might take some of your stress away. Maybe only a tiny bit but every little bit helps. Yes, my office got moved. I hate moving. I think the construction on the first floor starts today. Last time they did construction in the building I had my office in, I got carbon poisoning so the first whiff of exhaust and I'm out of here. We'll see how it works being in a cubicle. I told the girl in the cubicle next to me not to be too worried if she hears me crying over here - that I have bursts several times a day. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll be able to control it a little better knowing someone else is right there - but at this point, I really don't care. I worked in my yard a lot after Chela died. I was hoping the physical labor would exhaust me and I'd be able to sleep. Instead, it only made my back problem worse. It is good to get out and do things -- it helps a little to have some kind of outlet. You can always take out the anger on the yard right? I didn't know you'd spoken to an animal communicator. Did that help? What did they say? I'm not sure I buy into that but I've thought about it a lot. I believe it's possible, I just don't think everyone who says they can do this actually can. I worry about people taking advantage of another's grief. I completely understand what you mean about clinging to Dover. I clung to Casper for dear life when Chela died. i'd look into her sad eyes and see how much she missed Chela and it broke my heart. We clung to each other a lot those first few months after Chela died. She was so sad and I was so worried about her -- then I found that lump on her neck and then she had to leave me too. I don't know what I've done these past 14 months - I know I've cried every day since Chela died. Not just for Chela but for Casper too. It just seems like last year was the year from hell. I couldn't catch my breath before something else happened. I don't know how I survived it or even how I"m still surviving it -- just one moment at a time. Let me know how it goes if you contact that animal communicator. I'd like to hear about the experience and if it brings you any real comfort and peace. I have a back and neck problem, so in physical therapy they give massages - not the best of massages, but it helps. Now that insurance isn't covering any more visits until after July 1, I'm on my own. I've been to one massage therapist and it did help relieve a lot of the stress in my neck. I'm thinking I need to go back and get some relief in my neck. They aren't cheap, but it helps - the human touch helps. Do you see your therapist on a regular basis? Is she helping? I saw a therapist for awhile after Chela died but haven't gone since Casper died. I just don't have it in me to really sit down and talk about it. I'm just not ready yet. It's weird isn't it? How time flies by but seems to drag when you're grieving? I think it's because the hours are so painful to live through that they drag but because we're kind of in a zombie like state it goes fast at the same time. Those first few months after Chela died felt like they were years long. I hurt so much it was like minutes were hours long. I was just catching my breath when Casper died. I can't believe it was clear back in December that I lost her. I've just been floating through life, simply existing. I'm hoping that when I get old, if I'm one of those who has alzheimers, that 2009 is the year I forget first and all the pain it caused for me. Hang in there. It's another week and at least it's one day closer to not hurting so much. Good luck with the taxes!! Hugs, Elizabeth

Hi EAF, I saw Letters from Juliet today. I cried during but was able to get it under control before it ended. I cried the entire drive home though. For a second, I thought I couldn't wait to get home and see my Casper and then it hit me that she's not here anymore. You'd think after almost 5 months I'd be used to it but I still haven't adjusted. Like you, I want my baby back and my heart just isn't ready to accept that that isn't going to happen in this life time. I don't allow myself to think past today - my goal every day is just to make it through the day. Thinking beyond today and all the years I may have to wait to be with my girls again - it just becomes too hard and overwhelming. I'm sorry to hear about your property value declining. That's a lot of money. I know you want Harley back and moving forward without him is almost too much to handle. I have cry fests too walking. I go to the park that I spent so much time with my girls in. On the one hand, it's full of memories that make me cry but on the other hand, those memories are all I have left now and I can still see them in my minds eye at that park so I can almost pretend they're still with me. Especially Casper. She and I spent a lot of time together in that park after Chela died. I had Chela's memorial service in that park. The thought of moving and not being able to go to that park is just too much - so though it's painful and I cry, I still go there because I feel closer to them there. I think in one day you can cry yourself into exhaustion but I"m not sure you can cry yourself out. I think at some point, you become numb and bounce back and forth between acute sadness and numbness. I know that other people have survived loss to this depth, so I hold onto the hope that it does eventually not hurt so much. I've read this poem before. Shortly after Chela died I read it somewhere. It holds truth in it - seeing Casper in so much pain, I don't wish her back into that but I do wish it had never happened. That it was all just a horrible dream. I know it's not but doesn't stop me from wanting her back. Your comment about life not being fair - that it's not fair we have to lose those we love the most is also true. Yet at the same time, if we left before they did, who would love them with as much devotion and depth as we did? It would be heart breaking if they ended up in some cold shelter hoping that someone else would love them, wondering where we went and why they're there. I know that today is a very sad day of the week for you. It's going to be along time before it doesn't hurt so much every time it comes around. I'm hoping that something good -- good news of some sort comes to you on a Sunday so that it loses some of it's sting and pain. I make myself not think about the days that way. I try and make it intentional to stop those thoughts when they come up. That doesn't mean that the thoughts don't enter my head, but I try to replace them with something else that doesn't hurt so much. Your first visit back to the place Harley died was probably intensely painful for you. It's still painful every time I go to my vet's office -- but the first time after Chela died, I broke down and sobbed in my car. Same with the first time after Casper died. When I went to pick up their ashes it was like it was all happening all over again. I hope Dodger is OK. I know the place you're in emotionally is very dark and you're depressed and it's getting harder and harder to keep moving forward. I still break down thinking about it and it's been almost 5 months since Casper died and it's been almost 14 months since Chela died. Grief is a painful state to be in, it's cold and lonely and painful - I don't know when it gets better, but it does. It's a very subtle shift. I can't say I'm better but I am because sometimes I can keep it together. I'm hoping that those sometimes will become easier and easier and the moments that are so difficult now will become further and further apart. Like Bees said, you have to give yourself credit for making it this far and for the little accomplishments you make every day. I pray you find some peace and comfort somewhere soon -- even tiny reprives from the pain. Hang in there and please do something kind for yourself today. Hugs, Elizabeth PS - the picture of Harley with the cone and the bandaged leg - poor guy!! It's a sweet picture. The expression on his face seems to be saying "I need a hug".

Thank you Marty for that site. I wasn't able to look at it extensively but found some comfort in what I did see. I even bought one of the CDs. I'm not sure I believe in "animal communicators" but I'm hoping the meditation part of the CD might bring me some comfort. I really liked the "Take Time To Heal". I passed it along to others I know who are grieving. It was a gentle reminder how important it is right now to take care of ourselves. Thanks for the information!! Elizabeth

Hi EAF - let me guess, your middle name is Ann? Mine too. HA! Harley is adorable!!! He looks so sweet in this picture. I know what you mean about looking at his pictures making you cry. I'm that way too. I keep reading that crying is a good thing - that it's important to let the tears come - but man, they come so often and sometimes so violently, it's hard to let them come - it's like they don't want to stop once they start. So, I don't need anything additional to trigger them. No sad movies for me thank you. I refused to see "Marley and Me". I knew that the dog died in the end, so I said no to seeing it. Chela was reaching old old age by that point and I knew her time was too close for comfort. If I know an animal dies in a movie, I won't go see it. It just upsets me too much. It ruins the movie for me. I went and saw "Back Up Plan" a few weeks ago and kept thinking if this little dog dies in it, I'm going to be upset. Luckily, that doesn't happen. All the grief books I've read bring on the tears but sometimes things are said in a way that I found comforting. I bought so many grief books when Chela died. I didn't even come close to reading them all. I'd start one, cry through the first chapter and then I wouldn't finish. I did finish a few of them but like you're experiencing, they bring on the tears. I found a lot of comfort in "Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates." It's just comforting to think about our animals being there in the next life. I have to hold onto that belief or I can't function. I actually love waking up to hearing birds chirping -- but I think if it was inside my house it might bother me. Kind of like crickets. I love hearing them chirp outside my window but when they've gotten into the house it's enough to drive a person nuts. There has to be some animal control group that would come and remove the nest for you. If they have little babies though, the babies might not survive a move. Wild birds aren't very fond of people messing with their nests. I hope you can sell your house - the market is so messed up. I think about moving sometimes. I am not as fond of the city I live in now as I used to be but leaving this place -- I'm not ready to let those memories go. Not that you really let them go, but not being here would hurt too much right now. This is my second foster since Casper died. My house was just too empty without another living thing being here but I wasn't ready to adopt another one yet. My first foster ever was a black lab/blood hound mix. She was HUGE. She had 7 puppies. I picked them up the day they were born. They were only a few hours old and so tiny. I had them 7 weeks. By the time I surrendered them back, the puppies were about 7-10 lbs. each. Now I'm fostering a toy poodle and her 3 puppies. Talk about a difference. This group has been so easy compared to the last that it's almost like they're not here. The puppies are getting so cute and I do get some joy watching them play and discover their world. They'll be 5 weeks old on Monday. I will have them until they're weaned and spayed (all 4 of the dogs are female). So, probably at least another 5 weeks. Sorry your foster has been such a brat. It could be that your emotions are just all over the place. I know mine are like a roller coaster ride -- severe and all over the place. My patience tolerance is next to nothing. I know what you mean about having something soft to hold onto. The urn or box is hard and cold. Casper loved stuffed animals and she had several so when I need something soft to hold onto, I hug one of her toys. For about the first 48 hours after she died, I couldn't put them down. I just had to cling to her through them. I could smell her on them and I just didn't want to let go. So, I understand. With Chela - she wasn't a stuffed animal girl. She ripped them up as a puppy but once she outgrew that, she outgrew them and didn't play with them. She loved sitting out in the yard in the sun, so when the weather is OK, I'll go plant myself in the middle of the yard like she used to and just lay there for awhile. Having something to hold onto though - I miss holding her. I miss holding them both. I took a look at that site Marty mentioned and though I cried through what I looked at, it's a comforting place. I bought one of the CDs. We'll see if it helps any. \ YES - grief is like trying to stand in the ocean. Sometimes the waves are manageable but most of the time, it's like being tossed and turned before you can even catch your breath. It does get easier but it sure takes a long time to get to that point. I understand too about stress causing your neck to have more problems. I've got 3 bulging discs in my neck and I can tell when I've reached my stress level max. I've even had it bad enough to make me lose strength in my hand. It's quite scary. The first time it happened, I thought I was having a heart attack - which triggered a panic attack. Long story short, my physical therapist has been wonderful for my neck and I now have a home cervical traction unit that helps stretch it out. Moist heat helps as well. Have you tried any of the creams they have for pain? Those that heat up help relax the muscles - like capzasin - but it can get really warm. I made the mistake of buying the extra strength and it was way too hot for me. The regular stuff isn't too bad. Hot showers also help relieve the stress. I've also got lower back pain. Now if I could find out how to fix that, I'd be half way happy. I'm in pain every minute of every day and it wears me out sometimes. I think my physical injuries have compounded the grief - I don't know if this is permanent or not - some of it probably is - so it's disheartening to have lost my babies and my health all in the same year. I think that's part of my anxiety over moving offices. My misery started in Jan. of 2009 when they started construction in our building. I ended up with carbon poisoning. It took about a month before my brain started to think normal again. My thought process was so slow it was so frustrating. So, I'm nervous about the idea of them doing construction in our building and being in the same situation. I've made it very clear though, one hint of exhaust fumes or any kind and I'm out of there on THEIR DIME. You do need distractions - I try and go to the movies when I can. I'm getting together with a friend tomorrow for lunch. It's hard to make myself get out. I really don't want to do it, but the distraction is helpful, so I'll go. It's supposed to be nice here too - the last few weekends have been raining or snowing so it'll be nice to see the sun. I know Seattle gets a lot of rain -- I've thought about living there but I think the lack of consistent sunshine might weigh on my mood. I'm not one of those worship the sun people, but it does help lift my mood to see it on a daily basis - even if it's for just a few hours. The APLB chat group always has a lot of people. I stopped going there. I kind of felt like they expected me to feel better faster and when I wasn't, they were kind of rude about it. One of the girls at ALLN on Wed. said that they told her her grief was lasting too long and to please not come back. They also seemed to really push the book the founder of the site wrote. I bought the book before I found the site. It was just OK for me. Not much new in it. Some of it bothered me - again, it felt like there was a timeline and if you didn't fall into that timeline, then something deeper was wrong with you. Granted, I could just be overly sensitive about it all -- my emotions are pretty raw and I feel incredibly vulnerable so I could have taken it wrong but unless I'm really desperate for human contact, I don't go there anymore. ALLN is at 5:30 your time right? It's 6:30 here - which is kind of perfect for me because it fills that time between getting home and getting ready for bedtime. I get up at 5:30 for work, so I go to bed by 9:15. Being on anti-anxiety medication, I usually fall asleep pretty quickly. Without it, I wouldn't get any sleep at all. I have nocturnal panic attacks. It's pretty freaky. I'm slowly cutting back on the medication though. I don't want to rely on it for the rest of my life. I've been on it almost a year now. I know I still have them because on rare occasions I've tried to take a nap and about 15 minutes into the nap, I'll wake up completely freaked out. It's so weird. I hope you're able to find a pleasant distraction this weekend. Spend some time in the sunshine, it may help lift your mood. I hope you too find some brightness and some comfort this weekend!!! Hugs, Elizabeth

Hi Bees, Sorry I had to cut my last response short. I had a meeting I completely forgot about. I am such a space cadet these days. My memory is horrible. I know you missed out on being able to say goodbye to Nemo - but I think if you'd had to rush him to the vet and then make that decision to put him down, it would have been so much harder. I know not knowing why he died is hard - he was fine by what you could tell, otherwise you would have done something. But, I so wish that's how my girls had gone. Having to take them to the vet and having to make that decision was so painful. With Chela, my regular vet was there and it was actually all done very peacefully. We did it outside in the sunshine that Chela loved so much. With Casper, my regular vet wasn't there and it was a horrible experience and I just can't let myself think about it or I lose it. I'm angry and sad all at the same time. You may not have been able to tell Nemo one last time that you loved him and you didn't get to say goodbye and send him off with hugs and kisses, but he knew you loved him. He knows you love him still. Journaling is a wonderful way to put down all the memories you have of him. I think part of the reason we hold onto them so tightly is because we're afraid we'll forget. We won't forget, but writing down the experiences helps comfort us in knowing it's written down, so even if we do forget, we can look back at the journal entries and remember again. I was in the middle of writing Chela's story when Casper got sick and then for those few weeks, all my attention went to her. I haven't been able to get back to it and I haven't been able to write anything for Casper. I feel guilty about that, like I'm dishonoring her in some way but right now, the pain is just too much to go there. Maybe if I forced myself to do it, some of the pain would ease but so far, all it's done is thrown me into panic mode. I sometimes say that too -that I hate life. I hate how I feel and how much physical and emotional pain I'm in. I don't want to live this life - but I don't want to die either, so I keep pushing forward trying to rebuild my life so that it's tolerable again. Some moments I feel OK, some I feel like I won't make it to the next but when those hit, I just take a deep breath and think about something else. Force myself to think about something else - something not so painful to think about. Life is unfair and it's unjust. The only real thing that gets me through those thoughts is the hope and belief that the next life IS fair and just. I'm just as confused as you are -- not understanding why things happen the way they do or to who they happen to. The best we can do is to cherish what we love - cherish every moment we have with those we love. I'd love to see those pictures. You can attach them here I think -- if you click on the "choose file" button - it's just below the attachments. You can browse what's on your desktop and you choose the picture you want. Then, hit the attach this file and it should attach the picture. If that doesn't work, you can email them to me at warnerel@uvu.edu That's a wonderful experience with that picture you took - the one that turned out so incredible while you were feeling so at peace. I"m sure your Nemo was right there with you, letting you know he loves you and he's fine where he is. He was sending you comfort - and your picture turning out so beautifully just gives you a reminder of that peace. I hope you blow it up and frame it and put it somewhere you see often. I'm attaching a picture of Chela and Casper - Chela is on the left, Casper on the right. I've got to run. We're packing up our offices and moving today, so me being online ready to cry with all these people coming in and out isn't a good situation. I hope to talk to you soon. HUGS, Elizabeth

Hi EAF - I had to chuckle at the end of your post about hating the nickname Liz because I don't like it either. It usually bothers me when someone calls me Liz. "Saying Goodbye to your Angle Animals" and "How To Survive Your Grief" both sound like good books. I'm going to have to look into those. Let me know if you find anything helpful in them. Also, let me know if you find anything helpful in the other two books on child loss. You sound like you're doing a bit better. I'm so happy for you. I know you're still hurting and struggling to move forward but every tiny step forward helps. That dream sounds like it gave you some comfort. When Coco died in '98, I had a beautiful dream about her that gave me tremendous comfort and it was enough to help me really move past the sadness. Panic attacks are so horrible. I have them when I try to sleep - so I am on medication that I take at night. Before Chela died, I was able to sleep anytime, any place - very laid back and easy going. Now, I've become a worrier and can't sleep without waking up panicked. I hate it. I haven't had a nap in over a year. I used to be able to escape when things got to be too much by just taking a nap and resting from the emotion. Now, I try and nap and I wake up about 15 minutes later having a panic attack. It's gotten so I won't even try to nap these days. In the mornings when the medication has worn off, I wake up anxious with my heart racing. I've been doing a lot of self talk when I wake up these days -- forcing myself to lay there until my heart stops racing. It's been a tough year. I try to use physical labor to work through it all but I'm limited to what I can do. I broke my leg in June of last year and it damaged my back. I have 3 bulging discs in my lower back and three in my neck. I'm in pain most of the time -- the only time I'm not in pain is when I'm sleeping. It's an ugly cycle. I've been in physical therapy for so long. I'm sorry to hear you're going to have to sell your house. If I had to sell my place, I'd be so sad. I have so many memories there. That's the only place Casper ever lived in. Vet school is quite the challenge - that's SO WONDERFUL! My niece is in vet school in Colorado. It's tough but she loves it at the same time. I find some peace playing with the little puppies I'm fostering. They're almost 5 weeks old now and their little personalities are starting to show and they're more active. At least they make me smile. You're right, you'll probably cry every day for awhile to come but it's so good that you're trying to move forward. I was hoping you'd attend the ALLN chat on Wed. There were a lot of people there this past week. Sometimes, there's only 2-3 people, others there's so many it's hard to keep track of who is going through what. I hope you'll come back. I'm also so glad to hear that one of your friends is being there for you and being so supportive. It's wonderful that you may be helping out Harley's previous owner as well. That will help heal your heart. That site where they make stuffed animals of your pet sounds really interesting. Have you done that? Putting up a fake front is difficult. I struggle with it every day. People just don't want to deal with your sadness - or they don't know how. I don't have family, so it's tough but I think it would be harder to have family and them not be supportive. I mostly put up a fake front for everyone except those I met through ALLN. The people in my life are good people, it just makes them uncomfortable when I'm crying. It's not that they don't want me to be real, they just wish they could help. I think I'm afraid if I showed how I really feel and how hard I'm really struggling, they might stop inviting me to things. I really don't believe that but on some level I fear that. I guess too, grief is our own, only we can push through it. I created that slide show in powerpoint. The song was made popular by Phil Collins but I chose Carlos Ponce's version because he means something to me. His music helped me pull out of a pretty bad depression about 5 years ago. I won't bore you with details, but I was able to meet him and now I am one of the administrators on his fan page. I haven't been too involved with it over the past year, but it helps me to fill my spare time. Yes, Casper is in the pictures. The first other dog you see in the slide show - the lab looking one - that's Coco. The golden one further in is Casper. I want to make a tribute for her too. I just haven't had it in me to really go through the pictures I have of her and pick out my favorites to tell her story. Putting Chela's together was a huge cry fest for me but it helped me through some of the sadness. I also found that writing about Chela helped some. I just haven't been able to sit down and do it for Casper. It's not because I loved her less, it's because the pain is too much. I attended a workshop on shutterfly this week and it's something I am thinking about doing as well. There are a couple of places online like shutterfly but it seems they're the most user friendly. Text is limited but I think it's a wonderful idea. Ramona-from ALLN - did a shutterfly book for one of her dogs -- or maybe it was both. She lost two of her dogs last year too and ours were so close together, we kind of bonded. I hope you too are able to find some peace this weekend. I hope you find a doctor who can help you get some sleep. Hang in there and please keep me posted on how you're doing. HUGS, Elizabeth

Hi Bees, Sorry I missed you yesterday. The university I work with had a service project and I was busy with that all morning and then packing up my office to be moved (again). I understand about meltdowns. I have them on a daily basis. Just the word meltdown can cause me to tear up. I also understand anxiety attacks. I have them too. When you're having one, rational thought flies out the window and nothing you tell yourself really calms you down. You just have to ride it out. I've been working on just accepting that life is going to suck for a long time. I'm trying not to give in to the depression but to let the sadness escape when it needs to - giving into the sadness and letting it happen instead of trying to be strong and tough it out. I can only let the sadness come out in short spurts - otherwise I have panic attacks. I've been having a lot of meltdowns this week. It was the 12 year anniversary of my Coco dying on Tuesday. For some reason, this year it was a hard anniversary. i think it's because loss is so fresh with having lost both Chela and Casper in such a short period of time - and losing my health on top of that. It's just been a tough week. So, I understand. I can be fine one minute and a mess the next. I was driving home the other day thinking it's been 4 1/2 months since Casper died and then I thought, how have I made it this far when I don't know if I can make it the next minute? Panic started setting in. I guess it's normal to have set backs. I also keep telling myself that there is no time line for grief. It's an individual thing and it just takes as long as it needs to take. there's no rushing through it. I'm exhausted too. I do sleep at night because I take anxiety medication at night but I don't sleep well. I wake up just as tired as when I went to bed. I feel like I'm just sleep walking half the time. Like I"m on auto-pilot or something. Then I have brief moments when I "wake up" and I freak out and the emotions overwhelm me and then I manage to turn them off and go back to auto-pilot for awhile. I know it may take a long, long time, but eventually, I'll spend more time dealing with life instead of avoiding it. I force myself out of my comfort zone when I can. I make myself get out of bed and function even though I really don't want to. I'm just existing right now, but I know eventually, I'll start feeling stronger and participate more in life. Weekends stress me out because I have time on my hands then. I work out in my yard a bit when I can -- I hurt my back when broke my leg last July and I'm in pain every minute of every day so sometimes, my physical activity is very limited but I try and work outside. Inside is another story. I can't remember the last time I actually cleaned my house. It's only me and I do clean up after the puppies, but for the most part, right now, it's cluttered everywhere. I really just don't care about cleaning it. I'm doing well to get the laundry done. It's hard not to let the thoughts come though. It's just too painful to think. All the questions and doubts and pain sets in and it's too much. So, I can only do it in very small chunks. Ooops, I have to run to a meeting. I'll finish this a bit later.

Dear Bees, Thanks Bees for your kind thoughts on Chela's tribute. She was a happy girl and she did have a wonderful life. She was loved, cherished and respected and she knew it. I've never really had cats. I had roommates with cats, but I never owned one of my own. I know what you mean about your animals being your children. Mine have been too. Some people don't understand that but that's OK. It doesn't sound goofy to me at all. Losing three of your kids in one year would be so difficult. The pain of each is almost unbearable independently of each other. Put them all together and it's just overwhelming. Losing my two girls last year has been so difficult. I was still mourning the loss of one when the other had to leave. I can't think of one without thinking of the other. So, I understand how complicated it is trying to deal with the loss. Your Nemo sounds wonderful - I hope you have some pictures of him so when the time comes, you can look at them without such sadness. I know it's not very comforting but at least you didn't have to decide to have Nemo euthanized. He was so blessed to be able to go quietly in his sleep, in the home he loved. No knowing what caused his death will be difficult for you for years to come I'm sure, but please be thankful that he was able to go peacefully at home. As Chela grew older and her health more fragile, I often prayed that that's how she would go - that one night she'd just go to bed and not wake up. I had hoped that for Casper too. The night before I had her put to sleep, I stayed on the floor next to her bed all night long petting her and comforting her and telling her that it was OK for her to leave me and go be with Chela. I didn't want her to die, but I wanted her to know it was OK for her to go - that I wanted her to be able to go from home where she felt safe. It wasn't meant to be, but that's so what I wanted for her. I know not knowing what caused Nemo to die so suddenly is painful. He was taken from you without warning and you weren't able to hold him and tell him you love him as he left this world. On the other hand though, he went peacefully in his sleep and that's such a blessing for him. I know it has broken your heart and it will hurt for a long time to come but since it was apparently his time to leave this life, please find comfort in knowing he was lucky to be able to leave from home. The special bonds we have with these wonderful creatures is so unique with each of them. Losing Nemo has probably also triggered the feelings of loss you had with your other two kitties. It's only been 5 weeks, the emotions are too overwhelming to be controlled right now. It will get easier. A friend of mine recently told me I appear to be feeling better and I told her no, I'm not "better" it's just getting easier to fake it. It takes a long time to rebuild your life after losing a loved one. Losing a child is such a stressful and painful event, the only way to get through it is one moment, one step, one breath at a time. The tree you planted and the birdbath sound so beautiful. I'm sure all of your kitties are looking down from heaven smiling and watching the birds flutter around. I would love to see pictures of the tree and birdbath and statue. It sounds like such a peaceful place. I'm sure he loves the tribute and knows you did it all out of love and respect for his life. I haven't really been able to look at pictures of Casper yet either. It just breaks my heart that she's not here. I feel like she was cheated, that we were cheated of more years together. But, I know that no matter how long she was here with me, it'd still be just as painful to say goodbye. I'm just still so upset about it all, it's hard to talk about without breaking down. My heart is just so broken. I feel so defeated and beaten up these days. I know she continues to love me as much as I love her. I worry about how she's doing. The logical part of me knows she's wonderful where she is but the hurting part of me worries that she wants to be with me. That's all she ever wanted - to be wherever I was. I comfort myself telling myself that she's with Chela and both are completely content to be where they are and aren't worried at all about me. That they know I love them and will join them someday. I'm just so heartbroken it's hard to function sometimes. It's only been 4 months since Casper had to leave, I'm still struggling to adjust to this new chapter in my life. Mostly because I'm not liking any of it. It's so depressing and confusing. But, I know in time, my heart will heal. Like the line in that song "my heart will go on". It just feels like it's been years since I held them and kissed those beautiful faces. I'm still struggling with anxiety. I have to medicate myself at night otherwise I can't sleep. If I don't get sleep, I can't function the next day and that makes it worse. It's a vicious cycle so I try daily to accept that I need to just give grief time to work itself out. Hang in there Bees - you said English is your second language. What is your first language? Hugs, Elizabeth