Elizabeth149

Jen-I'm so sorry for your loss. 18 years is a long time to share with another living being. I agree with what has been said here - you did the right thing, helping your beloved bubby to die. I understand the guilt as I questioned everything I after I helped both my Chela (17-year old dog) and Casper (13 -year old dog) leave this world. Chela has been gone 17 months now and I still miss her terribly. Casper has been gone 8 months now and I still have a difficult time even talking about her passing. LIke it has already been said -- your Bubby was with you through your everyday life, there to greet you when you woke up or got home, there to cheer you up when you were heart broken or lonely, there to accept you unconditionally as no human can. Of course you feel empty without her, she was a bright shining, loving light in your life. Please don't allow guilt to haunt you - you did the right thing. When the guilt starts to fester and torment me, I remind myself that everything I did for Chela and Casper I did out of pure love. As right or wrong as those decisions may have been or not been, I couldn't bear to see them suffer one more moment. It's an unselfish gift we give them -- perhaps only one of a few unselfish acts we commit as humans. When the guilt starts to hit, please remind yourself of the pure love you shared with your bubby. She would want you to remember the wonderful life the two of you had together, not the last few moments of her life. Be kind to yourself. It will take a long time for your heart to adjust to this new world you're in, be patient and kind to yourself as your Bubby would be. Take care! Elizabeth

You're very welcome Eldwyn, it's a tough time and it's a lonely time and though I"m not on the other side of grief yet, all I can really offer is the hope that it will ease. There will be moments - maybe even days - when you feel like you'll be OK and then something triggers the profound sadness again and you feel like you're starting over. Maybe knowing this will likely happen will help you feel a little prepared for what is to come. There will come times when you find yourself smiling or even laughing for the first time and it may surprise you that you're laughing when your heart is still so broken. It's a hard road and quite unpleasant, but you will get through it. Just take baby steps, don't worry about how you'll cope tomorrow, just focus on the here and now. That helps me cope when I feel overwhelmed by it all. I will agree with you, my country is the greatest even with all the problems we have. I do know there are animal lovers there, they just might not be as open as we Americans can be. You'll find them. INn the meantime, you can find sympathetic and listening ears and open hearts here. I'm glad something I said earlier helped - I'm hoping that you'll find many things that help ease your pain. Like I said earlier, it'll probably be little chunks at first but you will find relief eventually. Remember to be kind to yourself. Sending you a BIG HUG and hope you find in person hugs because those to help!! Elizabeth

Dear Elwyn, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your beloved Pebbles. I can feel the pain you're in right now. Losing someone - animal or person - that we love so dearly is such a devastating event. Words don't seem adequate enough to express the sadness and loneliness or sense of profound emptiness that grief brings with it. This thing called grief is in my opinion the worst experience a person goes through. When it's the death of a pet, many in society don't understand the depth the loss goes. My heart goes out to you. I had my dog Chela for 17 years and like you, I knew she had a wonderful life - but that didn't help me cope with being here without her. She's been gone 15 months now and I'm still trying to cope with it. Mine was compounded by the death of my 13 year old dog Casper 9 months later, along with an accident that has caused severe physical issues as well - but the deaths of my dogs has just been overwhelming to me. I still cry almost every day. I do feel like I'm beginning to come to terms with it but I'm still missing them horribly. It was easier on me emotionally to lose my mother and my brother than it has been to lose my dogs - so I understand where you're coming from. Our animals love us unconditionally; whereas people don't. Our dogs are there to greet us cheerfully regardless of how their days went; people - they don't do that. No matter how much we love a person, that person will at some point say or do something that hurts us. Our animals don't. I too prefer the company of my animals over people 99.9% of the time and always have. I think it's the unconditional acceptance they offer. Your wife is right in that life does go on but it's important that you work through what you're feeling and experiencing with the loss of Pebbles. Sharing your grief with those who understand is helpful; you'll find that you're not alone in how you feel towards your pet. You're not crazy or weird for mourning Pebbles. In my search for some understanding, I've found that many of the petloss books and literature compare the loss of an animal to that of a child. The bonds go very deep for some with their animals, and it's important that you connect with like minded people - who can help you process this loss in your life. I'll be honest, it's going to hurt for awhile - a therapist friend suggested that I just accept that life is going to suck for the first year because it's full of firsts. But, on the other side of grief, you'll find some comfort eventually, and some peace. Knowing Pebbles had a wonderful and long life with you will bring you comfort - just not right now. It might help you to write down in a journal what you're feeling during those middle of the night wanderings when sleep isn't possible. Writing letters to Pebbles may be helpful as well as writing letters to you from her. Please try and get what extra rest you can as your body is in shock and needs nurturing and care right now. This too means eating healthy foods. It also can be helpful to get physical exercise. I found that daily walks helped ease the anxiety a bit. Try and find an outlet - something you can do that takes your mind away from your grief for a little while. It'll probably only be little chunks of time at first as your thoughts will likely return to your loss and sadness. There are many resources here and online dealing with pet loss. There's a live chat at www.ALLN.org on Wednesday nights at 8:30 eastern time. I'm not sure what that transfers to where you are, but you're welcome to join. It really does help a little to be able to "talk" with those who are in the same situation. I hope you're able to find something that brings you some comfort. Especially during these early days when the pain is so raw. Sending you a hug from Utah (USA). Hang in there and please be gentle to yourself for awhile. Hugs, Elizabeth

Bees-you haven't been around for awhile. I'm hoping and praying that you're OK. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs, Elizabeth

Hi EAF, I got your email yesterday but didn't get a chance to respond before our email went down (I use my work account). Hope yesterday was tolerable for you. I'll answer your email tomorrow when I can. Our new boss starts, so it might be nuts during the day. I can relate to that unrelenting I want to die feeling. It's so overwhelming sometimes. It does start to ease but for everyone the amount of time is different. It's not easy to be patient but that's the best advice I can give. Time will ease your pain. I wake up wondering how much longer is this going to hurt but it hurts less than it did those first 6 months after Chela died. With Casper, I think I'm bouncing between extreme sadness and emptiness to being numb. It's been 5 months. I too feel like the universe is out to kill me because I kept getting hit with one thing after another after another. I just couldn't recover from one thing when another hit -- so I can relate on some levels. Wanting to be out of this hell but not knowing how to see my way through it. I can't say I've survived but I am surviving -- just taking one moment, one deep breath at a time. Hang in there! You're not alone. Elizabeth

Hi KayC, Wow, that must have been so hard to lose your dog and your husband in the same week. Thank you for sharing though - because it shows that it is possible to move forward through the grief. I'm glad you've got Arley. Knowing that some day he too will pass at least helps you appreciate the time you have together now. The past 5 years, when Chela started showing signs of slowing down, I realized then that she wasn't going to be with me here forever, so every day I had with her -- and with Casper -- I cherished and showered love and hugs and kisses on them. I didn't go to sleep at night without giving them loves and telling them thank you for being here with me. It has still been a struggle for survival but at least I can tell myself I did some things right and I enjoyed the time I had with them and they enjoyed their time with me. Even though their deaths have caused me more pain than I ever imagined I could endure, I wouldn't have missed those years I had with them. I wouldn't trade those years in to relieve this pain. Enjoying Arley doesn't take away the others from your heart. He just adds to it. They don't replace each other, they are unique in their own ways and our bonds with each is unique. They do help us cope with the grief and they create their own special place in our hearts. I'm hoping to find another one again -- when the time is right. Until then, I'll foster when needed. It helps fill the emptiness in my house. Take care, Elizabeth

Hi EAF, You have had a hard week. I sent you a rather lengthy email last night. I was feeling rather overwhelmed myself, so it's a bit long. I know today is a hard day for you and just wanted to wish you strength to get through it. Sorry to hear you're sick. I got really sick after Chela died in March. It's most likely an accumulation of the stress you've been going through. Please take extra care - take some extra vitamin C and drink lots of fluids and try and get some extra rest. As I mentioned in the email, that crushing feeling in your chest is most likely stress/anxiety. You've experienced a crushing loss, the symptoms are likely to show up physically as well as emotionally. If they continue or get worse, I recommend going to the doctor and seeing if he/she can give you a low dose of anti-anxiety medication. Poor Dodger - I hope he has a quick recovery. I'm sure the financial burdens are also taking their toll on you emotionally and physically. You've got a lot to deal with right now, please please take care of yourself and listen to your body - when it needs to rest, please let it rest. I'm glad that the animal communicator has helped you some. I say anything that helps bring you some peace and comfort is worth it. I'm thinking about it myself. How much does this person you're talking to now cost? And, how does it work? Do they just tell you what comes to them, or do you ask them questions? Maybe one could help you with Lexi, Sunny and Dover -- sounds like all three are having some issues. Maybe Sunny is ready to retire, and maybe Lexi is just misunderstood? Crying when you already don't feel good makes it that much worse. I'm so sorry. I'll have to maybe pick up that "Love Never Dies" book you spoke of. It's important to look for sources that bring us some help. I bought a book about losing a child. I haven't opened it yet but I think the principle applies to any severe and intense loss. That sense of aloneness, despair and defeat can be so overpowering at times, it's hard to muddle through it. I hope that these books help all of us get through the profound sadness. The pain does get worse for awhile - at least it did for me. Once the utter numbness wears completely off, it's extremely painful. But, you will adjust again, you'll rebuild your routines, your life. It does happen. it seems that somehow, we manage to make it through. As I mentioned in the email, it's important to hold onto the good things you did instead of beating yourself up on what you feel you did wrong. At least I think I said something along those lines. My memory is horrible these days. I'm glad you told that woman to find someone else. I don't understand why some people have a dog when they don't even make the time to walk them once in awhile. Not all animal owners are animal lovers and they don't connect with their animals like people here do. That inability to breathe sometimes - or feeling like you can't breathe - it's stress/anxiety. I battle that myself. When you're feeling overwhelmed, take deep, deep breaths and let them out slowly. I know with a cold, that'll be hard, but when we're stressed, we don't breathe like we should and that adds to the stress when the body reacts. So, take lots of deep breaths. I want you to know I think it's normal for you to want to tell the creator a mistake has been made - that Lexi should be the one to have been taken. You may feel guilty over those thoughts at some point but your bond with Harley was much deeper than with Lexi. It just isn't Lexi's time to go right now. For whatever reason, it was Harley's. It's one of the most difficult part of life to let go of the pain we feel when one we love dies. Of all the emotions, I think grief is the hardest. We do get through it though. I know you don't think you'll ever feel happy again and you're overwhelmed over all the time you could be here without your Harley. That's why I recommend taking it just one step, one day, one moment at a time - so that you're dealing with now and what you're feeling now and not worrying about what may or may not happen tomorrow. Thinking about days, months, years is just too much right now. Your anger is also a very normal reaction. I had a complete meltdown and ended up kicking a hole in my wall. Luckily I didn't hit a 2x4 but with my bad back, it was not a good idea but it felt good to let some of it out. If you have something you can destroy with a baseball bat that might help get some of it out too. when Coco died in '98, i took a hammer to some cement and just pounded it until I was exhausted and the cement was practically dust. It helps a lot to get out that anger. Holding it in will only create more stress on you emotionally and physically. You need an outlet for all the sadness and anger you feel. It's important to find one that's safe for you but releases the tension you're experiencing. The rainbow picture is so pretty. Imagining Harley sliding down it is even more precious. I'm glad that's what you were doing. I know weather is hard for me too. Chela and Casper both loved to lay out in the warm sunshine. They also loved playing in the snow and Casper and I really enjoyed our walks in the park when it was raining because we'd have the park to ourselves and she could be off leash without risk. At first, everything is so hard and exhausting but there will come a day when the sunshines and you don't cry. It's not because you've let go of Harley, it's because you let go of the pain. I look forward to that day for both of us - and for all those who are in our same situation. I pray that your financial situation turns around and you're able to keep your horse. Can you maybe find someone to temporarily take him for you? I'm happy to hear you forced yourself to take Milo to agility. It's good for you to get out and do something every day. It's so freakin' hard some days but it's important that you make yourself get out. I'm hoping that Sunny's neuro exam comes back OK. It'll be really hard to retire him -- but it sounds like Milo can maybe step in and help bring some joy back into your life. If it's best for Sunny to retire, then you'll do that for him. Maybe that animal communicator can help you with that so he doesn't get depressed over it. Cubicle life isn't so bad yet -- but the dust in the building has been killing my lungs. I'm allergic to dust - not the mites in the dust, but the dust itself, so anything that stirs it up makes me pretty miserable. I think I pushed myself over the edge on it yesterday when I figured I felt crappy anyway, why not actually dust my bedroom? I haven't dusted in there since I brought Casper's ashes home and dusted the shelf to put her next to Chela. Today I really do not feel well. i am giving myself some pats on the back for making myself stay in bed this morning even though it was making my heart race to do it when I first woke up. It's like I wake up and my body/brain says crap, it's another day, what's going to happen? But, I'm doing a lot of self talk in hopes of relieving that reaction. The dust in the building is also bothering my "bad" eye. I scratched my cornea in Jan. of last year and was blind in that eye for 3 days. It's torn open twice since then and the added dust in the air was really causing it to feel like it was going to rip open again. I'm keeping it gooped up hoping that doesn't happen, but sometimes,it doesn't matter what I do, it tears anyway. It feels like glass in your eye when it happens. They say that the worst of the tear down is over so we'll see how the week goes. The foster puppies are doing great. They are so dang cute. They do bring some smiles so that's a good thing. I haven't tried Ignatia. Have you? Did it help any? I hope you find something peaceful and comforting today. If Harley was anything like my girls, he would want you to be smiling. He's still here, all around you, you just can't see him and touch him anymore. A friend on the ALLN chat that I attend, was told by another friend that we need to learn to love them from afar. They aren't really gone, and our love doesn't die, the circumstances just change. So, I'm trying to love my girls from afar. Hoping that the love they felt from me stays with them as their love for me does. Hang in there and BIG HUGS!! I wish i could give you a hug and tell you you're going to be OK. I don't know that you will be OK any more than I know I will be but I do believe we will be OK someday. We just have to be patient with ourselves and gentle with our broken hearts. Hugs, Elizabeth PS - haven't seen any movies this week. I'm thinking maybe Shrek 3 but it depends on if this sick feeling in my stomach lets up or not.

Goodmorning EAF, Dodger and Harley do look a lot alike - I thought that picture was another of Harley. Poor Dodger. I read a poem about sadness being a constant companion. That song "Goodmorning Heartache" seem to fit too - at least parts of it. I know what you mean about ever feeling well adjusted again but I think it comes - it's just a long way away. I saw a quote that said "I dropped a tear in the ocean today, when you find it that's when I'll stop missing you." I think we'll always miss those beloved souls. Have you talked to the group you're foster this dog for? She does need to find a place where she fits in. That might take some of your stress away. Maybe only a tiny bit but every little bit helps. Yes, my office got moved. I hate moving. I think the construction on the first floor starts today. Last time they did construction in the building I had my office in, I got carbon poisoning so the first whiff of exhaust and I'm out of here. We'll see how it works being in a cubicle. I told the girl in the cubicle next to me not to be too worried if she hears me crying over here - that I have bursts several times a day. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll be able to control it a little better knowing someone else is right there - but at this point, I really don't care. I worked in my yard a lot after Chela died. I was hoping the physical labor would exhaust me and I'd be able to sleep. Instead, it only made my back problem worse. It is good to get out and do things -- it helps a little to have some kind of outlet. You can always take out the anger on the yard right? I didn't know you'd spoken to an animal communicator. Did that help? What did they say? I'm not sure I buy into that but I've thought about it a lot. I believe it's possible, I just don't think everyone who says they can do this actually can. I worry about people taking advantage of another's grief. I completely understand what you mean about clinging to Dover. I clung to Casper for dear life when Chela died. i'd look into her sad eyes and see how much she missed Chela and it broke my heart. We clung to each other a lot those first few months after Chela died. She was so sad and I was so worried about her -- then I found that lump on her neck and then she had to leave me too. I don't know what I've done these past 14 months - I know I've cried every day since Chela died. Not just for Chela but for Casper too. It just seems like last year was the year from hell. I couldn't catch my breath before something else happened. I don't know how I survived it or even how I"m still surviving it -- just one moment at a time. Let me know how it goes if you contact that animal communicator. I'd like to hear about the experience and if it brings you any real comfort and peace. I have a back and neck problem, so in physical therapy they give massages - not the best of massages, but it helps. Now that insurance isn't covering any more visits until after July 1, I'm on my own. I've been to one massage therapist and it did help relieve a lot of the stress in my neck. I'm thinking I need to go back and get some relief in my neck. They aren't cheap, but it helps - the human touch helps. Do you see your therapist on a regular basis? Is she helping? I saw a therapist for awhile after Chela died but haven't gone since Casper died. I just don't have it in me to really sit down and talk about it. I'm just not ready yet. It's weird isn't it? How time flies by but seems to drag when you're grieving? I think it's because the hours are so painful to live through that they drag but because we're kind of in a zombie like state it goes fast at the same time. Those first few months after Chela died felt like they were years long. I hurt so much it was like minutes were hours long. I was just catching my breath when Casper died. I can't believe it was clear back in December that I lost her. I've just been floating through life, simply existing. I'm hoping that when I get old, if I'm one of those who has alzheimers, that 2009 is the year I forget first and all the pain it caused for me. Hang in there. It's another week and at least it's one day closer to not hurting so much. Good luck with the taxes!! Hugs, Elizabeth

Hi EAF, I saw Letters from Juliet today. I cried during but was able to get it under control before it ended. I cried the entire drive home though. For a second, I thought I couldn't wait to get home and see my Casper and then it hit me that she's not here anymore. You'd think after almost 5 months I'd be used to it but I still haven't adjusted. Like you, I want my baby back and my heart just isn't ready to accept that that isn't going to happen in this life time. I don't allow myself to think past today - my goal every day is just to make it through the day. Thinking beyond today and all the years I may have to wait to be with my girls again - it just becomes too hard and overwhelming. I'm sorry to hear about your property value declining. That's a lot of money. I know you want Harley back and moving forward without him is almost too much to handle. I have cry fests too walking. I go to the park that I spent so much time with my girls in. On the one hand, it's full of memories that make me cry but on the other hand, those memories are all I have left now and I can still see them in my minds eye at that park so I can almost pretend they're still with me. Especially Casper. She and I spent a lot of time together in that park after Chela died. I had Chela's memorial service in that park. The thought of moving and not being able to go to that park is just too much - so though it's painful and I cry, I still go there because I feel closer to them there. I think in one day you can cry yourself into exhaustion but I"m not sure you can cry yourself out. I think at some point, you become numb and bounce back and forth between acute sadness and numbness. I know that other people have survived loss to this depth, so I hold onto the hope that it does eventually not hurt so much. I've read this poem before. Shortly after Chela died I read it somewhere. It holds truth in it - seeing Casper in so much pain, I don't wish her back into that but I do wish it had never happened. That it was all just a horrible dream. I know it's not but doesn't stop me from wanting her back. Your comment about life not being fair - that it's not fair we have to lose those we love the most is also true. Yet at the same time, if we left before they did, who would love them with as much devotion and depth as we did? It would be heart breaking if they ended up in some cold shelter hoping that someone else would love them, wondering where we went and why they're there. I know that today is a very sad day of the week for you. It's going to be along time before it doesn't hurt so much every time it comes around. I'm hoping that something good -- good news of some sort comes to you on a Sunday so that it loses some of it's sting and pain. I make myself not think about the days that way. I try and make it intentional to stop those thoughts when they come up. That doesn't mean that the thoughts don't enter my head, but I try to replace them with something else that doesn't hurt so much. Your first visit back to the place Harley died was probably intensely painful for you. It's still painful every time I go to my vet's office -- but the first time after Chela died, I broke down and sobbed in my car. Same with the first time after Casper died. When I went to pick up their ashes it was like it was all happening all over again. I hope Dodger is OK. I know the place you're in emotionally is very dark and you're depressed and it's getting harder and harder to keep moving forward. I still break down thinking about it and it's been almost 5 months since Casper died and it's been almost 14 months since Chela died. Grief is a painful state to be in, it's cold and lonely and painful - I don't know when it gets better, but it does. It's a very subtle shift. I can't say I'm better but I am because sometimes I can keep it together. I'm hoping that those sometimes will become easier and easier and the moments that are so difficult now will become further and further apart. Like Bees said, you have to give yourself credit for making it this far and for the little accomplishments you make every day. I pray you find some peace and comfort somewhere soon -- even tiny reprives from the pain. Hang in there and please do something kind for yourself today. Hugs, Elizabeth PS - the picture of Harley with the cone and the bandaged leg - poor guy!! It's a sweet picture. The expression on his face seems to be saying "I need a hug".

Thank you Marty for that site. I wasn't able to look at it extensively but found some comfort in what I did see. I even bought one of the CDs. I'm not sure I believe in "animal communicators" but I'm hoping the meditation part of the CD might bring me some comfort. I really liked the "Take Time To Heal". I passed it along to others I know who are grieving. It was a gentle reminder how important it is right now to take care of ourselves. Thanks for the information!! Elizabeth

Hi EAF - let me guess, your middle name is Ann? Mine too. HA! Harley is adorable!!! He looks so sweet in this picture. I know what you mean about looking at his pictures making you cry. I'm that way too. I keep reading that crying is a good thing - that it's important to let the tears come - but man, they come so often and sometimes so violently, it's hard to let them come - it's like they don't want to stop once they start. So, I don't need anything additional to trigger them. No sad movies for me thank you. I refused to see "Marley and Me". I knew that the dog died in the end, so I said no to seeing it. Chela was reaching old old age by that point and I knew her time was too close for comfort. If I know an animal dies in a movie, I won't go see it. It just upsets me too much. It ruins the movie for me. I went and saw "Back Up Plan" a few weeks ago and kept thinking if this little dog dies in it, I'm going to be upset. Luckily, that doesn't happen. All the grief books I've read bring on the tears but sometimes things are said in a way that I found comforting. I bought so many grief books when Chela died. I didn't even come close to reading them all. I'd start one, cry through the first chapter and then I wouldn't finish. I did finish a few of them but like you're experiencing, they bring on the tears. I found a lot of comfort in "Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates." It's just comforting to think about our animals being there in the next life. I have to hold onto that belief or I can't function. I actually love waking up to hearing birds chirping -- but I think if it was inside my house it might bother me. Kind of like crickets. I love hearing them chirp outside my window but when they've gotten into the house it's enough to drive a person nuts. There has to be some animal control group that would come and remove the nest for you. If they have little babies though, the babies might not survive a move. Wild birds aren't very fond of people messing with their nests. I hope you can sell your house - the market is so messed up. I think about moving sometimes. I am not as fond of the city I live in now as I used to be but leaving this place -- I'm not ready to let those memories go. Not that you really let them go, but not being here would hurt too much right now. This is my second foster since Casper died. My house was just too empty without another living thing being here but I wasn't ready to adopt another one yet. My first foster ever was a black lab/blood hound mix. She was HUGE. She had 7 puppies. I picked them up the day they were born. They were only a few hours old and so tiny. I had them 7 weeks. By the time I surrendered them back, the puppies were about 7-10 lbs. each. Now I'm fostering a toy poodle and her 3 puppies. Talk about a difference. This group has been so easy compared to the last that it's almost like they're not here. The puppies are getting so cute and I do get some joy watching them play and discover their world. They'll be 5 weeks old on Monday. I will have them until they're weaned and spayed (all 4 of the dogs are female). So, probably at least another 5 weeks. Sorry your foster has been such a brat. It could be that your emotions are just all over the place. I know mine are like a roller coaster ride -- severe and all over the place. My patience tolerance is next to nothing. I know what you mean about having something soft to hold onto. The urn or box is hard and cold. Casper loved stuffed animals and she had several so when I need something soft to hold onto, I hug one of her toys. For about the first 48 hours after she died, I couldn't put them down. I just had to cling to her through them. I could smell her on them and I just didn't want to let go. So, I understand. With Chela - she wasn't a stuffed animal girl. She ripped them up as a puppy but once she outgrew that, she outgrew them and didn't play with them. She loved sitting out in the yard in the sun, so when the weather is OK, I'll go plant myself in the middle of the yard like she used to and just lay there for awhile. Having something to hold onto though - I miss holding her. I miss holding them both. I took a look at that site Marty mentioned and though I cried through what I looked at, it's a comforting place. I bought one of the CDs. We'll see if it helps any. \ YES - grief is like trying to stand in the ocean. Sometimes the waves are manageable but most of the time, it's like being tossed and turned before you can even catch your breath. It does get easier but it sure takes a long time to get to that point. I understand too about stress causing your neck to have more problems. I've got 3 bulging discs in my neck and I can tell when I've reached my stress level max. I've even had it bad enough to make me lose strength in my hand. It's quite scary. The first time it happened, I thought I was having a heart attack - which triggered a panic attack. Long story short, my physical therapist has been wonderful for my neck and I now have a home cervical traction unit that helps stretch it out. Moist heat helps as well. Have you tried any of the creams they have for pain? Those that heat up help relax the muscles - like capzasin - but it can get really warm. I made the mistake of buying the extra strength and it was way too hot for me. The regular stuff isn't too bad. Hot showers also help relieve the stress. I've also got lower back pain. Now if I could find out how to fix that, I'd be half way happy. I'm in pain every minute of every day and it wears me out sometimes. I think my physical injuries have compounded the grief - I don't know if this is permanent or not - some of it probably is - so it's disheartening to have lost my babies and my health all in the same year. I think that's part of my anxiety over moving offices. My misery started in Jan. of 2009 when they started construction in our building. I ended up with carbon poisoning. It took about a month before my brain started to think normal again. My thought process was so slow it was so frustrating. So, I'm nervous about the idea of them doing construction in our building and being in the same situation. I've made it very clear though, one hint of exhaust fumes or any kind and I'm out of there on THEIR DIME. You do need distractions - I try and go to the movies when I can. I'm getting together with a friend tomorrow for lunch. It's hard to make myself get out. I really don't want to do it, but the distraction is helpful, so I'll go. It's supposed to be nice here too - the last few weekends have been raining or snowing so it'll be nice to see the sun. I know Seattle gets a lot of rain -- I've thought about living there but I think the lack of consistent sunshine might weigh on my mood. I'm not one of those worship the sun people, but it does help lift my mood to see it on a daily basis - even if it's for just a few hours. The APLB chat group always has a lot of people. I stopped going there. I kind of felt like they expected me to feel better faster and when I wasn't, they were kind of rude about it. One of the girls at ALLN on Wed. said that they told her her grief was lasting too long and to please not come back. They also seemed to really push the book the founder of the site wrote. I bought the book before I found the site. It was just OK for me. Not much new in it. Some of it bothered me - again, it felt like there was a timeline and if you didn't fall into that timeline, then something deeper was wrong with you. Granted, I could just be overly sensitive about it all -- my emotions are pretty raw and I feel incredibly vulnerable so I could have taken it wrong but unless I'm really desperate for human contact, I don't go there anymore. ALLN is at 5:30 your time right? It's 6:30 here - which is kind of perfect for me because it fills that time between getting home and getting ready for bedtime. I get up at 5:30 for work, so I go to bed by 9:15. Being on anti-anxiety medication, I usually fall asleep pretty quickly. Without it, I wouldn't get any sleep at all. I have nocturnal panic attacks. It's pretty freaky. I'm slowly cutting back on the medication though. I don't want to rely on it for the rest of my life. I've been on it almost a year now. I know I still have them because on rare occasions I've tried to take a nap and about 15 minutes into the nap, I'll wake up completely freaked out. It's so weird. I hope you're able to find a pleasant distraction this weekend. Spend some time in the sunshine, it may help lift your mood. I hope you too find some brightness and some comfort this weekend!!! Hugs, Elizabeth

Hi Bees, Sorry I had to cut my last response short. I had a meeting I completely forgot about. I am such a space cadet these days. My memory is horrible. I know you missed out on being able to say goodbye to Nemo - but I think if you'd had to rush him to the vet and then make that decision to put him down, it would have been so much harder. I know not knowing why he died is hard - he was fine by what you could tell, otherwise you would have done something. But, I so wish that's how my girls had gone. Having to take them to the vet and having to make that decision was so painful. With Chela, my regular vet was there and it was actually all done very peacefully. We did it outside in the sunshine that Chela loved so much. With Casper, my regular vet wasn't there and it was a horrible experience and I just can't let myself think about it or I lose it. I'm angry and sad all at the same time. You may not have been able to tell Nemo one last time that you loved him and you didn't get to say goodbye and send him off with hugs and kisses, but he knew you loved him. He knows you love him still. Journaling is a wonderful way to put down all the memories you have of him. I think part of the reason we hold onto them so tightly is because we're afraid we'll forget. We won't forget, but writing down the experiences helps comfort us in knowing it's written down, so even if we do forget, we can look back at the journal entries and remember again. I was in the middle of writing Chela's story when Casper got sick and then for those few weeks, all my attention went to her. I haven't been able to get back to it and I haven't been able to write anything for Casper. I feel guilty about that, like I'm dishonoring her in some way but right now, the pain is just too much to go there. Maybe if I forced myself to do it, some of the pain would ease but so far, all it's done is thrown me into panic mode. I sometimes say that too -that I hate life. I hate how I feel and how much physical and emotional pain I'm in. I don't want to live this life - but I don't want to die either, so I keep pushing forward trying to rebuild my life so that it's tolerable again. Some moments I feel OK, some I feel like I won't make it to the next but when those hit, I just take a deep breath and think about something else. Force myself to think about something else - something not so painful to think about. Life is unfair and it's unjust. The only real thing that gets me through those thoughts is the hope and belief that the next life IS fair and just. I'm just as confused as you are -- not understanding why things happen the way they do or to who they happen to. The best we can do is to cherish what we love - cherish every moment we have with those we love. I'd love to see those pictures. You can attach them here I think -- if you click on the "choose file" button - it's just below the attachments. You can browse what's on your desktop and you choose the picture you want. Then, hit the attach this file and it should attach the picture. If that doesn't work, you can email them to me at warnerel@uvu.edu That's a wonderful experience with that picture you took - the one that turned out so incredible while you were feeling so at peace. I"m sure your Nemo was right there with you, letting you know he loves you and he's fine where he is. He was sending you comfort - and your picture turning out so beautifully just gives you a reminder of that peace. I hope you blow it up and frame it and put it somewhere you see often. I'm attaching a picture of Chela and Casper - Chela is on the left, Casper on the right. I've got to run. We're packing up our offices and moving today, so me being online ready to cry with all these people coming in and out isn't a good situation. I hope to talk to you soon. HUGS, Elizabeth

Hi EAF - I had to chuckle at the end of your post about hating the nickname Liz because I don't like it either. It usually bothers me when someone calls me Liz. "Saying Goodbye to your Angle Animals" and "How To Survive Your Grief" both sound like good books. I'm going to have to look into those. Let me know if you find anything helpful in them. Also, let me know if you find anything helpful in the other two books on child loss. You sound like you're doing a bit better. I'm so happy for you. I know you're still hurting and struggling to move forward but every tiny step forward helps. That dream sounds like it gave you some comfort. When Coco died in '98, I had a beautiful dream about her that gave me tremendous comfort and it was enough to help me really move past the sadness. Panic attacks are so horrible. I have them when I try to sleep - so I am on medication that I take at night. Before Chela died, I was able to sleep anytime, any place - very laid back and easy going. Now, I've become a worrier and can't sleep without waking up panicked. I hate it. I haven't had a nap in over a year. I used to be able to escape when things got to be too much by just taking a nap and resting from the emotion. Now, I try and nap and I wake up about 15 minutes later having a panic attack. It's gotten so I won't even try to nap these days. In the mornings when the medication has worn off, I wake up anxious with my heart racing. I've been doing a lot of self talk when I wake up these days -- forcing myself to lay there until my heart stops racing. It's been a tough year. I try to use physical labor to work through it all but I'm limited to what I can do. I broke my leg in June of last year and it damaged my back. I have 3 bulging discs in my lower back and three in my neck. I'm in pain most of the time -- the only time I'm not in pain is when I'm sleeping. It's an ugly cycle. I've been in physical therapy for so long. I'm sorry to hear you're going to have to sell your house. If I had to sell my place, I'd be so sad. I have so many memories there. That's the only place Casper ever lived in. Vet school is quite the challenge - that's SO WONDERFUL! My niece is in vet school in Colorado. It's tough but she loves it at the same time. I find some peace playing with the little puppies I'm fostering. They're almost 5 weeks old now and their little personalities are starting to show and they're more active. At least they make me smile. You're right, you'll probably cry every day for awhile to come but it's so good that you're trying to move forward. I was hoping you'd attend the ALLN chat on Wed. There were a lot of people there this past week. Sometimes, there's only 2-3 people, others there's so many it's hard to keep track of who is going through what. I hope you'll come back. I'm also so glad to hear that one of your friends is being there for you and being so supportive. It's wonderful that you may be helping out Harley's previous owner as well. That will help heal your heart. That site where they make stuffed animals of your pet sounds really interesting. Have you done that? Putting up a fake front is difficult. I struggle with it every day. People just don't want to deal with your sadness - or they don't know how. I don't have family, so it's tough but I think it would be harder to have family and them not be supportive. I mostly put up a fake front for everyone except those I met through ALLN. The people in my life are good people, it just makes them uncomfortable when I'm crying. It's not that they don't want me to be real, they just wish they could help. I think I'm afraid if I showed how I really feel and how hard I'm really struggling, they might stop inviting me to things. I really don't believe that but on some level I fear that. I guess too, grief is our own, only we can push through it. I created that slide show in powerpoint. The song was made popular by Phil Collins but I chose Carlos Ponce's version because he means something to me. His music helped me pull out of a pretty bad depression about 5 years ago. I won't bore you with details, but I was able to meet him and now I am one of the administrators on his fan page. I haven't been too involved with it over the past year, but it helps me to fill my spare time. Yes, Casper is in the pictures. The first other dog you see in the slide show - the lab looking one - that's Coco. The golden one further in is Casper. I want to make a tribute for her too. I just haven't had it in me to really go through the pictures I have of her and pick out my favorites to tell her story. Putting Chela's together was a huge cry fest for me but it helped me through some of the sadness. I also found that writing about Chela helped some. I just haven't been able to sit down and do it for Casper. It's not because I loved her less, it's because the pain is too much. I attended a workshop on shutterfly this week and it's something I am thinking about doing as well. There are a couple of places online like shutterfly but it seems they're the most user friendly. Text is limited but I think it's a wonderful idea. Ramona-from ALLN - did a shutterfly book for one of her dogs -- or maybe it was both. She lost two of her dogs last year too and ours were so close together, we kind of bonded. I hope you too are able to find some peace this weekend. I hope you find a doctor who can help you get some sleep. Hang in there and please keep me posted on how you're doing. HUGS, Elizabeth

Hi Bees, Sorry I missed you yesterday. The university I work with had a service project and I was busy with that all morning and then packing up my office to be moved (again). I understand about meltdowns. I have them on a daily basis. Just the word meltdown can cause me to tear up. I also understand anxiety attacks. I have them too. When you're having one, rational thought flies out the window and nothing you tell yourself really calms you down. You just have to ride it out. I've been working on just accepting that life is going to suck for a long time. I'm trying not to give in to the depression but to let the sadness escape when it needs to - giving into the sadness and letting it happen instead of trying to be strong and tough it out. I can only let the sadness come out in short spurts - otherwise I have panic attacks. I've been having a lot of meltdowns this week. It was the 12 year anniversary of my Coco dying on Tuesday. For some reason, this year it was a hard anniversary. i think it's because loss is so fresh with having lost both Chela and Casper in such a short period of time - and losing my health on top of that. It's just been a tough week. So, I understand. I can be fine one minute and a mess the next. I was driving home the other day thinking it's been 4 1/2 months since Casper died and then I thought, how have I made it this far when I don't know if I can make it the next minute? Panic started setting in. I guess it's normal to have set backs. I also keep telling myself that there is no time line for grief. It's an individual thing and it just takes as long as it needs to take. there's no rushing through it. I'm exhausted too. I do sleep at night because I take anxiety medication at night but I don't sleep well. I wake up just as tired as when I went to bed. I feel like I'm just sleep walking half the time. Like I"m on auto-pilot or something. Then I have brief moments when I "wake up" and I freak out and the emotions overwhelm me and then I manage to turn them off and go back to auto-pilot for awhile. I know it may take a long, long time, but eventually, I'll spend more time dealing with life instead of avoiding it. I force myself out of my comfort zone when I can. I make myself get out of bed and function even though I really don't want to. I'm just existing right now, but I know eventually, I'll start feeling stronger and participate more in life. Weekends stress me out because I have time on my hands then. I work out in my yard a bit when I can -- I hurt my back when broke my leg last July and I'm in pain every minute of every day so sometimes, my physical activity is very limited but I try and work outside. Inside is another story. I can't remember the last time I actually cleaned my house. It's only me and I do clean up after the puppies, but for the most part, right now, it's cluttered everywhere. I really just don't care about cleaning it. I'm doing well to get the laundry done. It's hard not to let the thoughts come though. It's just too painful to think. All the questions and doubts and pain sets in and it's too much. So, I can only do it in very small chunks. Ooops, I have to run to a meeting. I'll finish this a bit later.

Dear Bees, Thanks Bees for your kind thoughts on Chela's tribute. She was a happy girl and she did have a wonderful life. She was loved, cherished and respected and she knew it. I've never really had cats. I had roommates with cats, but I never owned one of my own. I know what you mean about your animals being your children. Mine have been too. Some people don't understand that but that's OK. It doesn't sound goofy to me at all. Losing three of your kids in one year would be so difficult. The pain of each is almost unbearable independently of each other. Put them all together and it's just overwhelming. Losing my two girls last year has been so difficult. I was still mourning the loss of one when the other had to leave. I can't think of one without thinking of the other. So, I understand how complicated it is trying to deal with the loss. Your Nemo sounds wonderful - I hope you have some pictures of him so when the time comes, you can look at them without such sadness. I know it's not very comforting but at least you didn't have to decide to have Nemo euthanized. He was so blessed to be able to go quietly in his sleep, in the home he loved. No knowing what caused his death will be difficult for you for years to come I'm sure, but please be thankful that he was able to go peacefully at home. As Chela grew older and her health more fragile, I often prayed that that's how she would go - that one night she'd just go to bed and not wake up. I had hoped that for Casper too. The night before I had her put to sleep, I stayed on the floor next to her bed all night long petting her and comforting her and telling her that it was OK for her to leave me and go be with Chela. I didn't want her to die, but I wanted her to know it was OK for her to go - that I wanted her to be able to go from home where she felt safe. It wasn't meant to be, but that's so what I wanted for her. I know not knowing what caused Nemo to die so suddenly is painful. He was taken from you without warning and you weren't able to hold him and tell him you love him as he left this world. On the other hand though, he went peacefully in his sleep and that's such a blessing for him. I know it has broken your heart and it will hurt for a long time to come but since it was apparently his time to leave this life, please find comfort in knowing he was lucky to be able to leave from home. The special bonds we have with these wonderful creatures is so unique with each of them. Losing Nemo has probably also triggered the feelings of loss you had with your other two kitties. It's only been 5 weeks, the emotions are too overwhelming to be controlled right now. It will get easier. A friend of mine recently told me I appear to be feeling better and I told her no, I'm not "better" it's just getting easier to fake it. It takes a long time to rebuild your life after losing a loved one. Losing a child is such a stressful and painful event, the only way to get through it is one moment, one step, one breath at a time. The tree you planted and the birdbath sound so beautiful. I'm sure all of your kitties are looking down from heaven smiling and watching the birds flutter around. I would love to see pictures of the tree and birdbath and statue. It sounds like such a peaceful place. I'm sure he loves the tribute and knows you did it all out of love and respect for his life. I haven't really been able to look at pictures of Casper yet either. It just breaks my heart that she's not here. I feel like she was cheated, that we were cheated of more years together. But, I know that no matter how long she was here with me, it'd still be just as painful to say goodbye. I'm just still so upset about it all, it's hard to talk about without breaking down. My heart is just so broken. I feel so defeated and beaten up these days. I know she continues to love me as much as I love her. I worry about how she's doing. The logical part of me knows she's wonderful where she is but the hurting part of me worries that she wants to be with me. That's all she ever wanted - to be wherever I was. I comfort myself telling myself that she's with Chela and both are completely content to be where they are and aren't worried at all about me. That they know I love them and will join them someday. I'm just so heartbroken it's hard to function sometimes. It's only been 4 months since Casper had to leave, I'm still struggling to adjust to this new chapter in my life. Mostly because I'm not liking any of it. It's so depressing and confusing. But, I know in time, my heart will heal. Like the line in that song "my heart will go on". It just feels like it's been years since I held them and kissed those beautiful faces. I'm still struggling with anxiety. I have to medicate myself at night otherwise I can't sleep. If I don't get sleep, I can't function the next day and that makes it worse. It's a vicious cycle so I try daily to accept that I need to just give grief time to work itself out. Hang in there Bees - you said English is your second language. What is your first language? Hugs, Elizabeth

Good morning Bees and Liz -- Bees-Thanks for your kind words on my tribute to Chela. She was such a wonderful soul and I miss her tremendously. It was such a blessing to have her in my life for 17 years but the void left behind has been horrendous to cope with. Casper was with me for 13 years and the two of them were just the best of friends. I think Chela's passing caused Casper's illness to speed up. Their bond was so tight. The only thing Casper loved more than Chela was me and she would have stayed and lived through that hell of pain but I just couldn't do that to her. I loved her to much to see her suffer. The urge to have a memorial for Chela hit me suddenly. It was a Thursday late afternoon when the need hit me so I emailed my friends and asked if they could come on Saturday. So, I put it all together in less than two days. It was at the park - the park both Chela and Casper just loved - it had been raining all day long and I was worried that we weren't going to be able to release the balloons I'd purchased. I played music, had a few poems read, I shared stories. When it came time to let the balloons go - symbolic of me letting go of my pain (or trying to), the clouds parted, the sun came out and it was perfect. After throwing roses into the river, it clouded up again and we barely had time to get back under the pavillion before it started to rain again. It was such a hard thing to do but it was helpful. Course, I had Casper there and my friends to help me through it. With Casper, I don't know what I'm going to do. She was so different from Chela - she didn't really like other people so much - she was just shy and timid. I'll do something but until the need hits me, I think I need to stop worrying about it. This coming Tues - the 11th is the 12 year anniversary of losing Coco. I don't know how I survived that but eventually, the pain wasn't so intense. My life is different now - I became very ill after Chela died and then I had an accident in the park and broke my leg. That messed up my back and here I am, 10 months later still battling constant back pain. It's just too much sometimes. Liz - please hang in there today. I know it's a hard day for you- 2 weeks is such a short amount of time. I know you want the pain of grief to be over with but there it no time frame on grief. It takes as long as it takes. It feels like the days are so long because you're hurting so much. It's like time slows down and drags it out. You're still in the early phases of it all and it's really hard and painful to push through it. Sometimes thinking about making it through another day is overwhelming - so when those times hit you, just think about making it through the next 10 minutes, or the next hour. Try to not put expectations on yourself. You're going to make it through this one tiny step at a time. Please be patient with yourself. I know it's hard but it makes it a little easier accepting that this is how it's going to be for awhile than it is to fight against feeling it. I'm not suggesting curling up in a ball and letting life just go on without you for awhile, but I'm suggesting that you do small things and take comfort in small things. Give yourself credit when you get out of bed and get dressed. If this were a human child you'd lost, others around you would be so different in their understanding and sympathies. Just because Harley wasn't human, doesn't mean he wasn't your child. He was your family, your constant companion, there to greet you, excited to see you every time you returned home. His love was unconditional and it's extremely difficult to push forward without that daily dose of unconditional love. When Chela died, I went to my doctor because I was having such horrible panic attacks. He told me that Chela was a child to me just as any child is to any other woman and losing her is physiologically and psychologically the same. My body and mind are reacting to the loss of a child and that's an extremely difficult trauma to get through. His understanding helped me accept that life was just going to really suck for awhile - I'd get through it somehow. Chela's been gone 13 1/2 months and I'm still trying to put my life back together. Losing Casper too only compounded the grief, losing my health has also been a major stressor. You're body and mind are so overwhelmed right now because you've experienced a horrible trauma. Please give yourself the time you need to work through it - without expectations of when you'll feel better. Grief is like a sickness - it takes a long time to overcome it - so try and be patient with yourself and try not to be so hard on yourself. Try and do something good for yourself today. Both of please hang in there. I'm hoping today we all find a moment of peace. Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth - that story had me crying rivers. I've actually seen it before but I think it was before Chela died. It's a beautiful story. I wonder sometimes if they can see us and the grief we're going through and what they think about it really. I know they wouldn't want us to be sad but I wonder if they understand why now that they're on the other side. Or maybe the veil between this life and the next is so thin they don't understand why we're so sad when they're right here with us. I guess we won't know in this life. How are you doing today? I'm pretty much just counting the hours before I can take my medication and go to sleep. I actually fell asleep on the couch this afternoon for about 15 minutes - I woke up with my heart racing but not in a complete panic - so maybe some day I will actually be able to nap without waking up panicked. I've tried not to let it be a sad day but the tears still come. That's Ok though because maybe the tears do have some healing power to them. I don't usually feel better after crying but it seems to help relieve some of the anxiety. I looked at that website where you bought those flags. The ones I really liked are out of stock. I thought maybe it'd have more theraputic value if I made some myself but my sewing machine is messed up and I think it'd only cause me more frustration. Still, it's an idea. When I took my foster dog for a walk today I thought about how I haven't had an official memorial for Casper yet. I had one for Chela in the park 3 months after she died. It helped me to do that but the thought of doing one for Casper just makes me break down and weep. it's not that I didn't love her as much or more, I just can't let myself go there yet. I'm not ready I guess to let myself go there. it's just too hard. Then I feel guilty, like I'm being disrespectful of her but it's really not that. It's just still too overwhelming for me. I'm not through the mourning process with Chela, how can I face it completely with Casper? Grief is exhausting and I'm just so tired. I created a slide show of Chela for her memorial. I posted it on youtube if you want to see it. When I uploaded it, something happened and the music and photos became out of sync. So, the music ends before the pictures do - but I left it up anyway. Don't feel obligated in any way to check it out. I know you're in pain and may not really want to - I won't be offended. Anyway, I wanted to drop you a line to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I know how alone it feels right now; I'm pretty much in the same boat. Please do something nice for yourself today. You're ripping yourself apart with all the things you did wrong (I do that too), so it's important to counter that with the things you did right. So, today, think about some of the things you did right for Harley. hang in there - Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth, It is interesting that we both have the same name and a dog named Casper. I got a little chuckle when you said when flying over Denver you thought they'd say "You two jump" because poor Casper was barking most of the time. I used to live in Denver. I know you're in a very dark place - I'm still there myself and there are times throughout the day when I think I just want to die and get it over with -- but like it was said in another post - you take baby steps and the smallest, most ordinary things are accomplishments and it's important to acknowledge that they're accomplishments. If I didn't have anxiety attacks, I'd stay in bed most of the time I think. Sleep used to be my refuge before last year happened. If things got bad, I'd escape into my imagination, fall asleep and wake up feeling a little better. Now I don't have that. For some reason some switch has been triggered off in my brain and sleep isn't something my body wants to do. Most days I don't feel like I'm surviving - it's more like just existing. I'm on auto pilot and then the turbulance of grief hits and I'm a wreck. However, it does start to ease -- time won't heal what you're feeling. I learned that when my mom died that time didn't help heal -- those wounds don't really heal, but time does help you adapt and at first adapting to this surreal life is what we do. I'm sure you're physically having issues due to your grief - I know I am. The body and mind are very much tied together. Ideally, a significant other can help by holding you and just letting your cry but I know like me you're single. So, hug on your other babies. Touch right now is important. When Chela died 13 months ago, I just started hugging friends. I'm not a big hugger with most people, but I needed the hugs, so I just hugged friends when I'd see them. I still do when I can. Take warm baths - they will help with all the tight muscles. If you can afford it, I'd recommend going in for a massage or two. It's hard to reach out but it will help if you do. Which books did you order? "Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates" brought me a little comfort. Others just made me cry -- but crying is OK. Right now, your heart is broken and it can only express that sadness through tears. Writing helps too - writing letters to your baby or writing letters from your baby to yourself helps get the grief out - even some of the guilt. Your Harley doesn't hold any ill will to you - dogs just aren't that way - but I know you feel guilt. I don't think it'd be normal NOT to hold onto some grief - what we did or didn't do. When Chela died, I had Casper to hold onto and comfort me. She was my only constant source of comfort. I got very ill, and in June, I broke my leg and I thought I'd go insane. Here I was needing to keep busy so that I didn't hurt so much and I broke my leg and I couldn't do anything but sit. Sitting was painful because in the fall, I hurt my back. But, I had that time with Casper. Looking back, I'm actually thankful for that time I had with Casper. Spending every minute of every day with her even if we did nothing but sit outside in the sunshine, had I not been hurt, I wouldn't have had that extra time with her. When she got sick I thought I'd die. I still feel like sometimes the grief is just going to kill me. I don't really want to die, but I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life either. My back hasn't healed - I'm in daily pain and that compounds the problem for me. I'm always either crying because my spirit is so broken or because my body feels so broken. I hurt physically and emotionally and I'm struggling just to keep pushing forward. I often force myself to just push what I'm feeling away so that i can make it through the day. A day hasn't passed since March '09 that I haven't cried. Some days the tears are gentle and don't last long, others the tears are a day long event that I can't seem to stop. Casper's been gone 4 months and every day I miss her. But, to give you some hope, the intensity does ease up. The crying jags ease up. This weekend is a tough one for me. My mom died in '96 so I don't have a mother to celebrate. In '98 my dog Coco was poisoned and though she did make it to Monday, she pretty much left me on Sunday - Mother's Day. 5 years ago on Mother's day my brother died. It's just a hard holiday and this will be my first without Casper. The first of everything seems to be hard -- every first day of something is hard without them. I know what you mean about just marking another day off being closer to seeing Harley again because I often feel that way. Instead of saying one day closer to seeing them again, I make myself say one day closer to not hurting so much. I agree with Bees - making decisions right now is a bad idea. When you're in total darkness, all you can see is darkness. It's not always going to be this dark. I know it's hard to see that because like I said, you're in a very dark place. I chose to have my girls all cremated so that I could have their ashes. Two of them are in really nice boxes with their names engraved on the front. Coco is in an urn. I like the boxes better. Having them as reminders is hard - I still can't look at them without breaking into tears - but if I were to move I'd want them with me and when you bury them, that's not a possibility. When I die, they will be buried with me. I missed you at the ALLN chat. I went earlier but by around 9:30 (EDT) I couldn't sit anymore. My back was just killing me. I can usually only last about an hour. I'm glad you found some comfort there - it does help a lot to talk about what you're feeling - even the darkest emotions (like wanting to die to be with them now instead of waiting all those years). I hope you'll keep going - it will help give you support that you might not get otherwise. Moving through this grief is probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Accepting life as it is right now is almost unbearable. Let people help you, give their suggestions a try. Even if things only help a little bit or for an hour - every little tiny bit helps get you through it. You do what you need to to make it through the day. Eventually, the weight of the grief will ease up. You'll always miss Harley. Love doesn't die but the grief of him not being here with you physically will ease. It's just going to take a long time. Hard as it is to accept, you can expect to feel this way for awhile. If you were "over it" it wouldn't feel right. It's only been a few days really. Life can change quickly for the good too - your heart will heal - you won't be the same person but you will heal. You'll rebuild your life when you're ready to. Just give yourself credit for not burning down the house and for getting up long enough to feed the dogs. Baby steps. Don't worry about tomorrow or how you may or may not feel tomorrow. Just worry about right now and healing your heart. If that means spending the day in your pajamas then so be it. But it is important that you not isolate yourself - make yourself get out once a day - even if it's just to walk around the block crying your head off - it's important to get out. Please hang in there and be kind to yourself. Talk to you soon. -- Elizabeth

PS - about Harley's medications -- you might consider donating them - if there's a shelter or animal adopt center in your area, they're in need of various medications. That's what I did with Casper's medications. I donated them to my vet's adoption center. That way you're not just throwing them away - that felt weird to me but keeping them as reminders wasn't an option either. So, I talked to my vet. I know you're not liking your current vet so you might not want to go there, but there are shelters all over the place that may be able to use what you have.

Hi Elizabeth - I was thinking about you today - wondering how you're doing. I think it's because I can relate to a lot of what you're going through - the living alone and your babies being your family. My Casper has been gone 4 months. In so many ways it feels like that was so long ago - it feels more like years since I held her and kissed that face. The days feel so long sometimes I don't know how I make it through sometimes. On the other hand, I think wow, it's been 4 months. I've survived 4 months, how did that happen? With Chela, it's been 13 and a half months and I have no concept of how I survived it. I too had an accident that compounded my grief. I broke my leg and royally messed up my back. I live in daily pain and I sometime wonder how am I going to survive this too? There are times when I think I really don't want to survive this - I don't like my life right now. The physical pain is sometimes too much and the emotional pain is too much and dealing with both is just overwhelming and I'm hating it -- but I know life can change in an instant - it can change for the good and it can change for the bad -- so it's the hope that it will get better that keeps me pushing forward. I know what you mean about wanting to stay in that place between awake and asleep - where you're not awake enough for reality to be there. I miss that place, I miss my peace but I keep telling myself that I've spent the majority of my life able to access that place of peace, so I know it's there, I just have to push forward to find it. My girls would be so upset knowing that every day I cry for them. They'd be doing all they could to cheer me up - so in my minds eye I imagine them pulling their funny antics on the other side sending me positive energy and love. My minds eye sees them still and I hold onto those memories - they're bitter sweet but they're a treasure to me. I was also thinking about how I've managed this far - trying to dig deep for words of hope and advice. I didn't come up with anything profound really -- just how important it is that you be kind to yourself. Don't let that inner voice torment you with what you should or shouldn't have done. Had you known your time with Harley was so short, you would have spent that time with him instead of working in your yard. So, please don't hurt your own feelings by beating yourself up over it. You loved Harley, he adored you - you would have done anything in you power to help him -- even suffered his pain for him if you could have. So, it's important for you to realize that you were the perfect mama for him. Your best for him was exactly what you did. You did the unselfish thing and let him go -- helped him go and that is a pure, unconditional love - the exact same love he gave to you. For me, it's helped to tell myself and accept that life for awhile is going to suck, I'm going to hurt, I'm going to cry and mourn and fall apart and that's OK. I will keep trying to move forward -- not giving up on life -- but I"m going to let those sad feelings be there for as long as they need to be. Holding them in and denying them only extends the grief. Since it's been so overwhelming for me, I've discovered that if I allow a specific time to spend with those emotions -- letting them out as deep and hard as they need to - it helps my anxiety and my sudden urges to weep and wail not be as intense. It still hits me but I'm trusting myself more about letting the emotions happen--not stuffing them, just holding them in until our specific time together. The park I spent so many hours with Casper in when we were grieving Chela, I go there every day except the days I go to physical therapy. I go there and talk to Casper and Chela and just allow those pent up emotions out. It seems to help. I still talk to my girls, I tell them goodnight every night and tell them I miss them and ask them to watch over me from where ever they are. After Chela died, I found it helpful to write letters to her. I was beginning to write her story - how she came into my life, the funny, frustrating, sad times we spent together. What a source of pure comfort she was when my mom died and how proud of her I was. Then Casper got sick and I spent every moment I could with her. I haven't been able to make myself write about her yet. I can't yet handle those intense emotions. I think what I'm trying to say is you need to do what helps you process your loss. If it's too hard to write, do what I do - say it in your head. I think about her life and remember specifics about her life while I'm on my walks. I always cry but it gets those tears out. Sometimes I can spend a few moments smiling. It's important for you to find an outlet - there are several sites where you can put up memorial pages to honor your boy. You'll find something that helps - it's not going to take it away - it'll just help a little for a short period of time -- but those short moments of reprieve from that sense of profound loss - those little things help you get through the day and right now, just making it through the day is enough. Forget cleaning your house unless cleaning the house helps relieve the stress you feel. Try not to worry about anything that's not vital -- you have to feed your babies, you have to feed yourself. That's what I mean by vital. It's easy to slip into a deep depression -- there's not much right now that matters -- so every day do something good for yourself -- take a walk, go to a movie - even if it is a comedy and all you do is cry. It's important that you get out. Give yourself permission to grieve -- people telling you you should bounce back after a week - they're wrong. Those are unrealistic expectations on yourself. I don't believe that grief is something you get over, it's something you work through. You're different now - an important piece of your life is no longer here with you -- that changes you. Give yourself time to adjust to this new life. Your feelings are yours and you are entitled to feel them for as long as they need to be felt. I'm not suggesting you allow yourself to isolate yourself and curl up in a ball and stop living life. I'm suggesting that if the need to cry hits you every day, go ahead and let yourself cry. You have good reason to cry. Your heart is broken and needs to express that loss. If it were a person you'd lost, no one would expect you to be back to normal after 4 days. Those that expect you to be back to normal after 4 days just have no idea the grief you're going through. My Chela has been gone 13 months now and I'm no where close to being back to normal. The anxiety and I'm going to go insane any second has eased up but I still can't talk about her for very long before I start to cry and then I think about Casper and how she's only been gone 4 months and the shock hits me again and it's so hard to get those emotions back in control -- so I've pretty much given up on that. I just try to hold them in until our afternoon walks. They cry every day. Sometimes it's soft gentle tears, sometimes it's violent painful wailing. I don't let myself think about how long this will last - it's too depressing. I just take one day at a time. I find it less stressful that way, less overwhelming. I just accept that for however long it takes I'll feel this way and then slowly it will get better. I really do hope you'll come on Wed. night to the alln chat. I think you'll find some very understanding people there. You have to pre-register. It's Wed. night 8:30 eastern time. The group is pretty small in comparison to to the other chat. Sometimes there are so many people there you feel lost in it. There are some who've gone through a few years of loss -- they tend to give some hope that healing is possible -- and there are those who are brand new with losses very very recent and then a few in the middle. It's a good place to share-get instant feedback. We often talk about signs from our beloved pets -- like your possible sign with Dover's tags not being on his collar anymore. Every once in awhile I hear Casper's tags jingle. No reason, I'll just hear them jingle. When Chela first died, I often heard her give her I'm right here, pay attention to me cry. I had a really bad case of the flu and thought I was probably hallucinating but it still comforted me. Anyway, I've rambled enough. I just want you to know you're not really alone. Yes, your grief IS your own and it's something only you can work through - but you're not alone in your journey through it. There ARE people who understand the depth of your grief. it's comforting for me knowing that others understand that I have lost two children and I'm struggling to keep it together. It makes no difference to them that my children walked on all 4s and had fur. My family is gone now and I'm mourning them accordingly. I think you'll find comfort there too. You need support right now - understanding and hope that you will make it through. Sometimes things are said that give hope that you can lean on and it helps you make it one more day. You're one more day closer to healing - think of it that way if it helps. Sending you BIG HUGS!! Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth -- I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are. I live alone and my dogs were my only real family. Losing them has just been so overwhelming. My friends understand that they were family to me but they don't really get it completely. Since they have human family, they don't understand completely the loss. You aren't going crazy - even if you think you are. The depth of your sadness is very normal. The book "Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates" brought me some comfort. Other books have too -- it helps when others validate your feelings of profound loss. I'm so sorry your vet was so horrible. My regular vet was out of town when Casper crashed. She was visiting family out of state. I had so hoped to manage Casper's pain until she returned but when it was obvious I couldn't I took her to the person my vet had standing in for her. He was very uncompassionate as well. I feel so horrible about Casper's death not being peaceful. She was stressed to be at the vet and this guy insisted on taking her back to put a cathetor in her leg so they could administer the shot. Him taking her put her into a complete panic and I couldn't calm her back down after that. It seemed so wrong that she was so stressed and I couldn't comfort her. He was so cold about it all. My regular vet was wonderful when it came time for Chela to go. She was so compassionate and cried right along with me. So, I feel a lot of guilt for Casper's end, but I couldn't let her stay being in so much pain. I know I did the best for her but her end just haunts me. It was heartbreaking after Chela died - Casper was so depressed. The only time she'd perk up is if we took a walk to the park or went for a drive. So, I made sure we did one or both every day -- well, until I broke my leg. Then we both just sat outside in the sunshine. It's been a horrible road. I know you feel alone - I do too - but there are people who will listen and cry with you and that helps. The kindness of strangers is sometimes overwhelming as well. I found the most supportive people at ALLN.org - their chat is every Wed. night. I log on as often as I can. It's hard but at the same time, it helps to have someone to cry with. Finding your way through the grief will take awhile. I'm still struggling through it myself. My therapist says I've got complicated grief as several things happened at once and I haven't been able to catch my breath and find my standing again before something else knocked me over. the city I live in will only allow two animals so I only had the two. I am still devastated at having lost them both within 9 months of each other. You haven't ruined anyone's life. You took Harley in and gave him so much love and care. I hope you find comfort knowing he is no longer in pain and is completely at peace where he is -- I have to hold onto that belief or I can't stand it. I can't stand the idea of never seeing my girls again - so I hold onto the belief/faith that someday, they'll greet me when it's my time to leave this earth and they'll be right there to hold onto forever. My home was so empty I couldn't stand it so I fostered a mama dog and her 7 puppies. That helped take away some of the loneliness but not the sadness. i cried like a baby when they were all ready to be put up for adoption. But all 8 were adopted into great homes. Now I'm fostering another dog and her 3 puppies. They aren't mine and the bond isn't as strong as if they were but it comforts me helping them get a good start in life. It gives me something other than my grief to focus on and that helps. You're lucky that your nights are OK. I have horrible panic attacks since Chela died in March and they happen just as I'm falling asleep -- so I take anti-anxiety medication before bed. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to get any sleep. The days are long and feel endless and I cry a lot -- but luckily, I have an office at work that's kind of away from people so when the tears start, I can cry without embarrassment. To be honest, even if people saw me I wouldn't really care. These days it's hard for me to care about anything. 4 days to bounce back? That's just not possible. They mean well, but they don't understand. That's why I'm encouraging you to seek out those who do - so that you don't feel like something is wrong with you. Your grief and sadness are normal. The loss of Harley for you is the same as if someone lost their child. It takes a long time to work through that kind of profound sadness. The other dogs in your home will mourn as well. Dover not wagging his tail - he's lost his companion, and it will take some time for him to get used to the absence of his dear friend. Try to keep his schedule as normal as possible but give him extra hugs. Casper was the same way -- she looked at me with the saddest expression most of the time. They grieve as well, so give him time. Keeping the house from burning down and the others fed is a good thing. You'll get through it, just try and not let tomorrow scare you. Think about the now -- it helps me. When I think of all the years I'll most likely be here without my girls, I get so depressed I can hardly breathe. So, I just think about now and getting through the next little while. I do understand that feeling -- like you'll never smile again and your whole world is just wrong and surreal. You can get through it just accept you're not going to be feeling "normal" any time soon and that's OK. When you finally do find yourself smiling, you'll probably feel guilty for having let go of some of the sadness. It's OK to feel how you feel. Don't let anyone telling you differently hurt you. They just don't understand. Your heart is broken and it will take some time to put the pieces back together. I wonder sometimes how I'm supposed to put the pieces back together when my favorite parts are missing, but I know I have to move on through the pain. I know my life will never be the same, so I just have to put it back together as best as I can and learn how to survive with these unwanted changes. Just keep telling yourself it takes baby steps. You'll feel like you're going backwards sometimes and that's normal too. There are some good books out there that will help put into words what you're feeling but can't express. Crying is your heart expressing itself, so let the tears come. Sending you lots of hugs and praying you find comfort in knowing you did what was right for Harley - the ultimate gift - freedom from pain and illness and the gift of helping him die with dignity, surrounded by your love. Wherever he is, he knows you love him. Please know that love doesn't die and he'll always be in your heart--- Elizabeth

Elizabeth, I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been dealing with the loss of my two dogs last year and it's been so difficult and I've often felt like I just couldn't function anymore. I became ill after Chela died in March (she was 17). Then I had several other health issues hit me and then my other beautiful girl Casper got sick. She missed Chela so much, the vet and I both thought she was depressed. Then in Nov. I found a lump on her neck. Long story short, she went from being fine to in so much pain she couldn't move in about a 4 week period of time. I was devastated -- I'm still devastated. It's been 4 months since Casper died in my arms and every day the tears hit me and they hit hard. I often wonder if I'll ever feel happy again. I force myself forward simply because I know both my girls would want me to be happy. I don't think about how I'm going to make it through. I just take a deep breath and focus on making it through the next hour, or moment. I let the grief manifest itself when I'm able -- sometimes the sadness just hits me and I find myself crying - at work, at the store, in the car, you name it. Baby steps is about all you can do. Let your other dogs comfort you as you comfort them. There's nothing wrong with you -- you're grieving a great loss and it takes awhile - sometimes a long while -- for you to adjust to the life you have now -- without you're beloved Harley. There are people who aren't going to understand it, but there are people who do. Try and spend time with those people. Even if it's online. There are a few grief chats for pet loss - it helps to share with those who understand what you're going through. www.alln.org is one, www.aplb.org and petloss.com are two others. It really does help to share your grief with those who understand. They can be safe places to let it all out and cry with others who can grieve with you. It's hard but try and take extra good care of yourself -- force yourself to eat well and get out even when you don't want to. Taking your other dogs for walks might help -- exercise is important and getting out helps you move forward. Most of all, you really need to be nice to yourself. You're in a very vulnerable place so be kind to yourself as your heart tries to understand and heal. Take care, Elizabeth

I'm so sorry for your loss. It doesn't seem fair when we lose so much so quickly. It makes it very difficult to push forward. 2009 was a really difficult year for me so I can relate on some level. I lost my 17-year old dog Chela in March and then 2 days before Christmas I lost my 13-year old dog Casper to cancer. She had become depressed when Chela died and we were both really struggling to get through it. In Nov. I found a lump on her neck. It turned out to be cancer. Long story short, she went from the picture of health to being in so much pain she couldn't move without crying out. So, I had to have her euthanized. I struggle with it still - every day I feel this hole in my heart. The memories are still bitter sweet and still bring on floods of tears. My heart just doesn't want to accept that they're not here anymore -- even though I know they aren't. I had some illnesses and injuries in 2009 that I"m still trying to recover from. Between the emotional pain and the physical pain I face ever day, it gets really tough to continue on -- but that's what we do. We push through the grief and try and come to terms with what life has for us left still to do. My home hasn't been empty in over 17 years, so the emptiness was really eating me up. So, I fostered a dog for the humane society. She had 7 brand new puppies. It helped with the loneliness but not that horrible sadness. They are all adopted now and doing well. I'm fostering another dog and her 3 puppies. They're almost 3 weeks old. It helps me have something positive to focus on instead of that horrible sense of the world being flipped upside down on me. I hope you can find something to help you through your loss. Something you can feel good about even if you don't really feel so well. It helps having something to distract you from when the sadness gets too strong. I love the image of your husband and kitty frolicking in heaven. It makes me smile. Hope it continues to bring you some comfort knowing they're happy where they are. Elizabeth

Kevin - I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that surreal, this can't be real feeling. It's been very unsettling for me. I'm coming up on a year since I had to put down my dog Chela and it's only been 10 weeks since I had to say goodbye to my other dog Casper. The void their absence has left in my life is a literal hole in my life. I know logically that they're gone but emotionally, I still just don't want to accept it. I'm still shocked when I go home and I don't see those faces anxiously awaiting for me to open the door and take them for a ride or a walk or just give them a hug. Give it time is about all I've been hearing but time feels so slow when you're hurting so much. Not that you're looking for advice - but I will suggest that you just take things a day at a time and acknowledge that for awhile, you're going to hurt like hell. The unconditional love of our animal companions is irreplaceable. That love and acceptance are really hard to move forward without. There are several decent books on grieving the loss of a pet. You may find some comfort in knowing what you're feeling and going through is normal. Many say it's like losing a child and the grief goes extremely deep. That's how it's been for me. It helps when you find others who know what you mean and understand the depth of your sadness. You've lost more than an animal or pet. You've lost a companion, a friend, a child, a part of your family, a piece of your heart. Our animals are so hard to say goodbye to as they have never given us a moment of judgment, or said or done anything to hurt us. That decision to let them go is always so hard -- but the best decisions aren't always the easiest to make and are often the most painful ones to make. Your Max knew you loved him and someday you'll remember him and it won't hurt so much. I don't know when that'll be, but it will come eventually. The body dies but the love between you doesn't. I hope and pray you find some peace. Elizabeth

It is true that many don't understand the loss and the impact it has on you. My friends kind of get it. They just don't get how deep it goes. I put on a fine face most of the time but there every day, the tears come - I find the time to be alone and just let them come. I miss my girls so much. I'm lucky that my doctor understands the loss. when Chela died and I went to see him because of the panic attacks he didn't once say I needed a psychiatrist or anything like that. He said I'm grieving like a mother grieves her child and it takes a long time to get through it. When I went in the other day because I'm having pain and weakness in my left arm (I thought I was having a heart attack), I told him that Casper too had died and he was so sympathetic and asked me how I'm able to stand it. He's known me for most of my adult life, so he knows how bonded I am to them. I'm lucky to have a medical professional understand. The panic attacks are horrible. I hate that I have to medicate myself to sleep but if I don't, I wake up every 20-30 minutes in a full blown panic attack - like I've just had the scare of my life. The day time incidents have tapered off - they only present themselves if something feels wrong (like my arm - it's most likely a pinched nerve - I go for an MRI today). Then, the unknown creeps in and rational thought flies out the window. Many don't understand that getting another one doesn't ease the grief. Yes, it does give a diversion but it doesn't speed up the grief. Grief is something you have to work slowly through, one baby step at a time. Of all the human emotions, it's the hardest to deal with -- I think anyway. When Chela died, I relied heavily on Casper. I was so afraid that she was going to leave me too -- before I had grieved Chela, I was afraid she'd leave and 9 short months later, she did. It's been so hard and horrible. My heart is so broken. I find so little joy in anything. I keep telling my closest friends, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this either. My health has been such a challenge since Chela died, I'm in pain 24/7 and it wears on me. Without my girls to help me through it, I'm really struggling to keep it together. Yesterday, I was looking for a pen and when I couldn't find one, I just started to cry. How lame is that? The frustration tolerance level is zero and I hate that. I feel so lost and vulnerable and that's not someplace I like to be. I haven't been in that vulnerable, frightened place since I was a little kid. So, all I can do is just take it one step at a time and just hope that nothing else comes along to knock the air out of me. Chela and Coco helped me through the death of my mom, Chela and Casper helped me through the death of my brother. Now I have no warm, loving, support system. My family is gone now and I'm feeling really lost and alone without them. My home was so empty without them there that I volunteered to foster a dog for the humane society. I now have a dog and her 7 puppies. I care about them but they aren't my dogs - they're just at my house until their forever families can be found. They're a lot of work and a definite distraction (and sometimes frustration) and it does help to have something to focus my attention on -- something that needs me to get out of bed. I enjoy watching the puppies play and they are really growing into snuggle puppies but I know they aren't meant for me to keep -- just to help me over a dark patch in my life. People don't understand how I'm not growing so attached I want to keep them all but I just tell them they're not mine to keep and raise. I don't feel that bond. My heart just isn't open for that yet. In the meantime, they're helping me through my grief, and I'm helping them survive. the mama ended up being very sick for about the first 10 days I had her and I had to literally force feed her for about 48 hours. One of the puppies was struggling to survive, she was sick and unable to get enough milk on her own, so i had to help her too. It was very stressful for me, but now they're all great. I wish I enjoyed them more but it's just not there. I want my dogs back in my house. I know that's not possible, but I'm still at that place where I want them back in my arms. Anyway, thank you for understanding. It does help to share with those who get it. Who know the pain doesn't just magically disappear - that it takes months, and months and months for the pain not to be so intense and even then, it still hurts like hell. Have you tried MSM for dogs with your dog? It may help with the arthritis a bit. So might glucosamine.