laurieb

My husband passed 15 months ago and my boys are at welcome week at college. One is in charge and a senior and the other is just starting as a freshman. The both chose the same college and the are so excited. I am so proud of them. Leaving work the other day and heading home was so unbelievably hard. No one to call, no one waiting for me, no best friend. I hate it. As I write this I realize so many have had this since the beginning and i am blessed to have my boys around. I'm just truly struggling now and find myself going to bed at 7pm. I don't want to start over! I don't want to push myself - we were so happy and I hate my life right now ? Sorry Laurie

I'm 48 and lost my husband suddenly 15 months ago. I have not taken my rings off and am not in any hurry. I do understand the concept of until death do us part. However. I still love him and after 26 years together. That doesn't change in 15 months. I feel very vulnerable still and my rings offer me strength to deal with all the other things I have to handle. Laurie

being a type A person myself, I too tried to control this and gave up about six months after Scott passed. The more I gave into my feelings and allowed myself to feel them the better I became or, more stable I became. I honestly kept thinking that if I didnt keep a perfect house, work like I didn't loose my best friend that I was or would be OK... not so... Like the wise person who posted before me. we have NO control over this and to fight it, is useless and only causes me to feel even more like a failure and... I still have the broken heart!!. this is the most significant, life changing event I will ever go through in my lift and it is simply going to take me some time... I will not conquer the passing of the love of my life and my best friend, I will just get through it, God willling, one day at a time. Laurie

Aww Kat I am so sorry, bless your heart. I am so glad your mom is going to be ok but that must have been so hard. Our son recently had a snowboarding accident and I too sat in the same er room (that Scott was taken to with his heart dissection). While we were waiting for his ct scan results, and all those horrific feelings/memories came flooding back. It takes your breath away. I am so glad you had the courage and strength to write and allow us to be there for you. Your "wound" is still so fresh and I am sure that just opened it up a bit. Please know that you will be in my prayers today. Hugs Laurie

Wow, It has happened over an over again these last 10 months since I lost Scott, birthdays, Christmas, and this month with our Anniversary (23 yrs) Valentines Day (the last holiday we spend together) and his birthday all within 2 weeks have been unbearable leading up to it and ... surprisingly enough I feel ok. With tomorrow being Valentines day, I feel ok. I don't know why either.This is not to say that I will not cry as I lay a red rose when I visit him tomorrow or say a prayer in church but I KNOW Scott loves me and even though he is not here for a hug, he is there, (I lbelieve) loving us all. I had a wonderful dream last night and I believe that might have helped me as well. He and my Grandma (who also just passed away 5 months ago), were here helping me and the boys. I cant remember what we needed help with but the comfort I woke up with was sooooo welcomed. I just wanted to share that as I feel sometimes I only write when I am feeling so blue. I am so grateful for today, the peace I feel and for all I do have. I have all of you who understand and I can't share how important it is to me to be able to move through this painful journey. Is it just me or do all of you go through the same thing with "leading up to special days" ? My heart goes out to all of you as we face Vaentines Day and everyday without our loves. Please know that you are not alone. Love Laurie

I have not been on since before Christmas. I dont think Im doing all that well. I am going to work, my nail guy asked if I "have a boyfriend" Oh my gosh! is he kidding?. I work, keep a clean house and do what ever I can for my boys. My heart is still so broken and it has been 10 months. Our anniversary is this month, Scott's birthday and Valentines day (which is that last holiday that we spent loving one another) I am so unhappy.so sad. I am able to go to friends house for dinner with one of our boys and had such a lovely time but they are so connected and in love like Scott and I were. I can't walk into a store without everyting being all about Valentines day and remembering the 2 dozen roses and beautiful card I got on that day. God I love him so much. We were so close and I will never be happy and fulfilled again. I hope you all have been well and look forward to reading the entries so I can catch up. I wish I has something to offer you all. I am trying, believe me I am. I am sorry for the un-inspiring post, I'll try to do better. laurie

Good evening my friends, I am sending all of you out there warm hugs and prayers that you find peace tonight. It is such a hard time. Marty, I join the others in thanking you so much for providing us this site to help us heal while we go through our grief journey. Merry Christmas Laurie

Sharon, Welcome here, I am so glad you found us all however I am so sorry for your loss. It is 9 months for me since I lost my husband. I am sitting here with my boys on Christmas eve. We just finished playing a game and are getting ready to play cards. We have a fire going, Christmas tree is lit and my son is playing his guitar for us. We all have a huge whole in our hearts but he is here with us in spirit during this very holy night. I am so grateful to God for the peace I have in my heart tonight. I did not expect it but I feel it. I wish all of you on this site many blessings in this coming year. No one will ever take this pain away from us but it is such a comfort to be able to come here and share and read. I can not thank all of you enough for being there for me over and over again so that I can, in turn, be there for our boys. Many blessings and Merry Christmas to you all love laurie

I was just in the store yesterday and the same thing happened. I was looking at wife cards and actually read one as Scott spent so much time buying me cards that meant so much and he use to write the nicest things. I guess I am grateful for that as I have all those memories. I want to buy cards for my family and special people but I just can't seem to do it. My heart is there but I seem to be paralyzed. I hope to get them out after the holidays. laurie

Gosh... please steal this thread with the truth that without God we don't have anything and can not get through this.. I was so touched by all your strength! I have said over and over to my friends, "this pain is so horrific that you can not get over it without faith" It certainly doesn't discount the fact that we are human and have tough days and Christmas time is also so difficult. Just last night I had to run out to the store, it was 6pm and cold and dark and something told me to go visit Scott at the cemetary. I did and there was my son by himself, standing there over Scott crying... If we think that God is not with us, steering us as well as all our loved ones... HE is! I hugged him and my 18 year old sobbed in my arms...We prayed, placed a new cross that I bought and had in my car and I felt the most wonderful peace. We left and had a nice night together as a family. They are with us! God is with us all! I have to work sometimes at that, this grief can suck me down and then I do feel so alone. I do have God and HE will help me through this. We have each other, and there is not coincidence that we are all here.. Thanks Marty T!!! laurie

I too am not sending cards this year either, I am having a hard time even receiving them as they are not to our entire family... the one I want and need. I cant even send thank you cards to all those that were so wonderful when Scott passed. I hate myself for that. God knows, I pray and thank them all the time. I have deocrated enough to be warm inside, and that is it. I am trying to honor scott and make him proud and have his presence here.. and it is. laurie

Hi All I am going to try to visit here on Christmas Eve. It was always a special time for Scott and I and our family. We always had meat fondue for dinner, gave thanks, opened one present each and laughed and talked before Scott and I played Santa. We actualy became engaged on Christmas Eve. It will be very difficult this year, like life is some.. most days Maxine, Please accept all our prayers and support. I can sympathize with your feelings. It is such a fog during those first few days/weeks I am so glad you are posting so early in your journey. I wish I was smart enough to find this site early on. We are here for you. Hugs laurie

I cant even begin to share how much I respect and admire all of you and how this forum is my lifeline some days. I sit in bed on a Friday night with a warm fire going, a household full of groceries and I actually shopped and wrapped presents today! So many of you are so similar and I don't feel so crazy, and so many more are so much further in their journey and I have something to work toward. Thank you for your love, prayers and understanding. Laurie

I know so many of the answers with my head, take it easy, don't push yourself, and on and on. I know it is Christmas and it is my first with out my Scott but I am truly so so lonely. I just returned home from a 12 hour day. I have a good job with lots of interaction and responsiblity and the day can go by relatively quickly sometimes. And then I come home and ..my reality hits and God I am so sad. It really isn't going to get better is it? I get that I will get stronger and perhaps this pain will diminish over time but my life will never be happy and fulfilled like it was.. ever! Oh my God, that reality is just so hard for me to grasp. I only have a few more months before our youngest graduates highschool and heads off to college and then my reality gets even dimmer.. I am, and always have been a home body. I love to be home, love to cook, clean and just be with my husband. we really did like one another. I don't want to figure out who I am at 48! I'm very shy by nature (although my staff would just laugh at that comment) but my personal and professional life is worlds apart. Do i just wait around and get old? I don't want to find myself, join clubs, reach out... I dont want to!!!! I want to come home to my daily hug, dinner, the "I love you" and great conversatoin with my closest friend in the world. I have always prided myself in being there for everyone else, being sensible, smart and positive...not any more. so sorry for dumping ... my reality is just overwhelming for me right now. Laurie

I admire your strength to be able to write so elequently so soon. What a wonderful woman and life you had together. I am so sorry for the incredible pain you are in. It was such a pleasure to read your post and have a glimpse into the wonderful woman she was and how blessed your life was with her. Please know that we are here for you in the days and months to come. It has been a very long 8 months since the loss of my husband and I said it then, and I say it now, "I will never ever find another love like the one I had with him." It was a "once in a lifetime" love and I was very blessed. I will carry all that love and all those blessings and memories for the rest of my life. I am not sure what God had in store for me or how he will use me to help others but I have not changed my mind and my heart is still very very connected to my husband. Please don't blame yourself as it sounds like you did everything that you possibly could. God Bless and we are all here for you Laurie