DeeU

Dear Harry, It sounds like the email has triggered some pretty strong emotions: anger, guilt, regret, sadness, helplessness, impatience.....and that is understandable considering all you and your beloved Jane have been through. You say you feel emotionally responsible for Jane's death--hindsight is such a compelling mind-teaser; Usually, we make decisions based on the information we have at hand. We look at the doctors as professionals who know, yet, we sometimes discover that their knowledge is limited, biased, or just plain inadequate. We take responsibility for the death with mental constructs that include a lot of "if only I...".or" I should have...."or "what if we....." thinking....all with the bias that any one of those decisions would have changed the outcome we despise. Yet, we really don't know if it would have at all.....when it comes to illness or dying, there are many unanswerable questions. Agreeing to stop life support for our loved one is the most difficult decision of all, even when we know that is their wish. She trusted you to do what you both knew she wanted if she could not do it herself. She counted on you to do it, knowing that you loved her so very much. I think that it is good that you received the email from the 26yo woman. She reached out to you. She is still hopeful, and she is now receiving the care she needs. You are realizing that change is slow, yet every time you share your experience and knowledge with someone or a doc, you are planting more seeds of awareness and the seeds will grow. It sounds like your Jane was a positive motivator. Remember her "can do" spirit when you respond to the email. She lives on through your memories and will continue to work through you and others who experienced her wonderful spirit. Every positive connection is a "winner." Warmly, Dee

Dear Ann, Your posts are so wise and insightful and beautiful. I am impressed that you are going inward and contemplating these changes and all you have been through in such an honest way. Love, Dee

I will. Thanks Anne. I am impressed at the utube videos and poems you find and hope you are OK with my sharing with support groups and/or clients.

Sometimes revisiting places where we went with our loved one triggers another grief spiral, no matter how much time has passed. You are wise not to take this personally. It is helpful to allow him his feelings and give him compassionate space in which he can express his grief thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, we feel disloyal when we can enjoy a place or activity with someone other than our loved one. It helps to remember that love expands....it does not take away. Whatever love he and his wife shared will always remain; however, there is room in the heart to let more love in without diminishing what was. Similar to a parent who has more than one child, the heart expands to love each one fully.

Dear Mary, I am glad you have a good support network of family and friends and that you allow them to help you. I totally understand that they are not Bill and that is who you want to bring you the most security and comfort as you undergo these eye surgeries. Can you imagine his presence with you, his hand holding yours, his reassuring smile? You are a courageous woman. I will keep you in my prayers.

Home maintenance and repairs seems to be one of the biggest challenges for women whose spouse/partner has died. I am impressed at your knowledge and abilities to do many of these things yourself. I understand that the motivation is just not there right now.

Informative article, Mary. Thank you.

Dear Chris, It sounds like you feel torn apart with handling several compelling things: completing legal documents, handling medical bills, and helping your son....all without your beloved team mate in life, Paula. Of course you miss her loving and wise input, counsel, comfort....Hopefully, your son will understand that you cannot help him financially right now, even though you would like to. Have confidence that he will find a solution to his problem. You can only do what you can....with grief, energy is low.....concentration is difficult....patience is thin....Be gentle with yourself. You are doing your best. Dee (Bereavement Counselor)

Your post is so poignant. It is so hard going through our parents' things with the added reality that they are not going to need them anymore. So many memories start surfacing. Be gentle with yourself. Dee (Bereavement Counselor)

I love this video!

Thanks for warmly welcoming me to your love-filled and encouraging group. I often refer my individual clients to this website. Today, I am going to play one of the songs you posted for the grief support group I facilitate in Phoenix. You all are a treasure to me!

Mary, It is so true that when we are ill or facing surgery, we feel more vulnerable and want comfort and security from those closest to us. In your case, from your beloved Bill. I am glad you expressed this as it will help others know that this is normal. And I agree that often a massage will release not only muscle tension but also emotions. A good release, yet often, initially, fatiguing. Warmly, Dee

It is so very difficult when a trauma occurs near the end of life (like a fall, head injury, broken bone, etc). It can feel like our loved one is suddenly "snatched" from us with hardly any time to wrap our heads around what has happened. It sounds like the last several weeks of mom's life were stressful for you on many levels. Family dynamics just being one. I hope you can disentangle from all of these uncontrollable events near the end of mom's life and hone in on your grief of not having her physically with you now. The reality of this will gently unfold over the next several weeks and months. I encourage you to continue to write on the forum and also find a supportive person with whom you can talk. Love, Dee

Thanks Anne for sharing your songs. I have never heard of this performer or this song - both beautiful. And I also appreciate you posting the lyrics. Dee