LighTrio

Hi guys! I hope this finds everyone well tonight. I pray for everyone on here and I hope you are finding your way towards healing. I have a couple good books I wanted to mention.... I started reading a good book called The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James & Russell Friedman. It's a pretty good book, and if you are looking for somehting that can actually help put you on the road to recovering from grief and all the things that go along with it, I highly recommend it. A lot of books on grief are good reads that can be very helpful in dealing with feelings. What I liked about this particular book is that it has exercises that can help you put things into perspective. One of them, which I am working on myself now, is creating a "loss history timeline" I know so many of us on here have experienced more than one loss and divorces and other losses that all contribute to feeling the way we do. I am finding that they aren't all seperate issues! You can also work with a partner or alone...it's pretty cool. Another good one I've read is A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis...this is a good book that I read just after my mom passed away. It's a good one if your in the stages of kicking and screaming and just trying to deal with your feelings. He lays it all out there....it is like reading someone's journal and he says things a lot of us think but might not say outloud. CS Lewis wrote it after his wife passed away from cancer. I like CS Lewis, so I started reading another one by him called Mere Christianity I hope it is as good as his other's. take care everyone.... Kelly

Hi MaryFran, Like everyone in here, I too know what it's like to lose a parent. My younger sister and I (we are 25 and 15) lost both our parents over the last five years. Neither one made it to 50. We only have one grandparent left and like you, we don't have a lot of close family. I empathize with you and my heart truly goes out. I want to compliment you because you sound like you are a wonderful mother. My sister and I were raised mostly by our mother alone.....those bonds are very tight. I admire people who can take adversity and direct it into a positive energy or outcome and it sounds like you are doing that for your girls....maybe having been through what you have has helped you in that way. Afterall, life is a journey and a growing process....the entire time. It's easy to feel like an orphan....and on many days I truly feel that sting, as I am sure you do as well. It can be lonely...and scary and just plain unfair or depressing. But I just wanted to remind you that you are still somebody's child.....you are God's child. Neither life nor death or anything inbetween can change that. And you are deeply loved. May God help you find peace and joy, and even when you can't...may He be your solice in the storm. My love and prayers, Kelly

Hi Shell. (my sister's name is michelle and I call her shell, too by the way lol) Thanks for posting. =) It is now after 2am, and Im still upset. The hardest part is knowing that I really haven't been myself and I've spent the last month doing nothing after losing my job. And I felt bad enough about myself and I didn't need someone to tell me that I've got problems and need to work on them...plus a whole lot of other stuff including the fact that I've gained weight! I hope she thinks about what she said tonight. I feel bad for my sister because she probably only talked to her out of needing to vent about me and because she felt bad and knows that we have some problems....I'm not sure if she knew my cousin was going to say all the stuff she did. Thanks though Shell. At least I know that I'm not the only person who thought that was a little out of line. Take care, Kelly

OK. So I've been on the forum a while now and I really like talking to you all. It is really nice to have other people talking to me about something we share in common. And I hope it's ok if I vent for a minute about something that happened to me tonight that just has me VERY upset. Right now, I am taking care of my 15 year old sister (I am 25) because both of our parents have passed away, our mom just last May. And we've had some problem adjusting and getting our lives back on track. Me personally, I was getting things together for us and myself when I got a new job that I loved....and then lost it very unexpectedly at the very end of january when the company went out of business. Since then, I have been in a big funk and not enthused about looking for a new one, but I've still been sending out apps and resumes. I also hurt my back in the process, so I haven't been doing much but sitting around the house for the last month. Every once in a while, my sister will visit my cousins who really didn't know us that well until after my mom passed, and they decided to get more involved with us. My sis and I had a little fight this weekend with lots of emotions involved, so she went to their house for a little break. Just to mention a little about my cousins, they are in their 50's and kind of hippies. they tend to move a lot, and God love them, but they have bad drug related pasts and some run ins with the law. Their kids also have some problems and one of them is in jail right now. This will all have a point in a minute. At about 9pm tonight, I got a call from my sister asking me to bring her her medicine she forgot and my cousins wanted to give me some money they owed me for a car I sold them. So I go out there, just to do that and it turns into some big old intervention for me! I spent the next three hours sitting there while my cousin tried to play counselor between my sister and I. I mean I got told all about myself and then some. gail (my cousin) kept comparing everything we had been through to herself and things she had dealt with and what kind of a person she was and how strong she was about bad things that had happened to her in the past and that there are no excuses for depression. And basically just kept telling me that I don't have any excuses, that I need to get off my ass and "get busy" I mean this all went seriously in depth into a bunch of personal stuff that had been told to her by my 15 year old sister. Not only about the death of my parents, but all kinds of stuff. She even went to the point of telling me that I had gained a lot of weight since the last time she had seen me. So now, here I am, it is 1am....I got home at 12am...and I am just sitting here SO pissed off and upset. God love her for wanting to help if that was her intention, but I just don't see where she gets off trying to tell me stuff about myself living the kind of life her and her husband have led. She didn't even know me until my mom died in May when they decided they needed to get involved in our lives, yet she kept talking about how I had changed....and I had to call her on the fact that how would she know? It just pisses me off at they way she really thought she was counseling me and my sister by getting me there (lying to get me there at some crazy late time of night) and then throwing all this negative stuff at me. I'm sorry, but I just kept wanting to say "NO, YOU DON"T UNDERSTAND, YOU DID NOT LOSE BOTH OF YOUR PARENTS BEFORE THEY EVEN REACHED 50!" I just put in my two cents and said what I felt to wrap it up. And you know, some stuff I agreed with because I fully acknowledge that I've got probelms and need help. I fully admit that I have not been the same person since my mom died, but that I did try really hard until I lost my job (that I REALLY loved by the way which is probably why I'm taking it so hard) and the last month I haven't really done anything but give a half assed attempt at look for a new job. Which apparently, the job I had wasn't good enough either because I also got told about that and that I don't have any goals or want anything out of life! She literally told me that I was worth nothing and "didn't have anything to offer anyone" and that I had to be the person to change that. Does anyone think that was a correct way to go about trying to get help for someone? If there are any counselors or professionls on the board, I would really like your opinion. I don't understand this whole thing and I know that sometimes you have to use tough love, but this feels ridiculous. Truthfully, right now I am just torn between being very angry and very hurt and bombarded and just wanting to sit and cry about all this stuff that was said about me. I mean it was EVERYTHING about me, head to toe, inside and out. How can anyone come away from something like that feeling like they are cared about or helped? I just feel a lot worse because not only did they confirm the worst things I thought about myself, but they added new ones. Has anyone else had an experience like this? Is it a cool thing to throw a little late night intervention for someone who is grieving? Although it's been a whole 10 months since my moms death, and acording to them I should be over it and going on with my life. I am just so upset. Your thoughts please.....

Prayer to Live With Grace May we discover through pain and torment, the strength to live with grace and humor. May we discover through doubt and anguish, the strength to live with dignity and holiness. May we discover through suffering and fear, the strength to move toward healing. May it come to pass that we be restored to health and to vigor. May Life grant us wellness of body, spirit, and mind. And if this cannot be so, may we find in this transformation and passage moments of meaning, opportunities for love and the deep and gracious calm that comes when we allow ourselves to move on. - Rabbi Rami M. Shapiro

Hello my dear. I miss mine too. Your story sounds very similar to mine. My father passed away five years before my mom...both died before 50. I oh so understand that alone feeling you are experiencing. I have a 15 year old sister and we are on our own. Now being the provider....I feel more alone that ever. I quit my job to take care of my mom and I spent 4 months in bed after she died. Then I realized I HAD to go on....for my sister. If nothing else. And because for what ever reason I was still left in this (sometimes very screwed up) world....I WAS still here. I believe that there is a force far greater that myself that exists. And for what ever reason, and no matter how utterly unfair it all seems.....I am still here, and they are not. Who knows for sure what happens after we die? But I for one don't think it is the end. I think it is but another beginning and I do firmly believe that there is a world beyond this. And who knows....maybe our loss here is a gain somewhere else. I understand when you say that your mom would never leave you. My mom was my best friend. And when she found out she had cancer (a few years after our father had already passed away) she said something that I will never forget. She said not to worry...that everything would be ok. Because "God wouldn't do that to our family" and it hurts to remember that sometimes. And I have felt my share of anger at God....my own kicking and crying and screaming that still continues. I don't think there is a timeline set out...although that would be nice wouldn't it? lol But I had to come to the understanding that to everything there is a season....and that includes life. Sometimes death can seem so unfair, so wrong. Like the death of someone young...or a child..someone who didn't seem to live out a full life. But every life has significance...no matter how short. There is purpose to everything...including life and death. Your own life has purpose. And EVERYTHING in your life has lead up to being the person you are, right now. You may feel alone and like you can't go on in this world. But never forget....you have purpose. My mother wrote my father's eulogy when he passed away. And I will leave you will all of my understanding and heartfelt prayers and what she had to say....... We cry for ourselves when we lose someone we love. We know we’ll never be able to see them or touch them again. We won ‘t have them around to argue or banter with. We’ll never hear that bad Elvis impersonation. We won’t see that mischievous wink and smile. And we’ll probably always be able to find our shoes. But if we look deep inside we realize that we’ll always have a part of him with us. We’ll have the memories and good times. We take with us all that he was willing to give. And so that person isn’t really gone after all. We didn’t lose him. We just misplaced him for awhile. Mike loved the freedom of the road. And so, I’d like to think that whatever road he’s on now, it’s smooth sailing all the way. I have a picture in my mind of Mike hopping on a Harley or maybe his ‘66 Chevelle, riding off into the sunset saying “I’ll see you suckers later.’’ And if we’re lucky, we will.

Hello all. I just wanted to ask a question. I used to be in the medical profession, and I've also lost both of my parents and grandparents. I've seen a lot of people die...some slowly, some quickly. And After seeing some of the things I have seen in life, I have to ask this question. Does anyone else see signs? I've seen lots of strange things, but nothing as much as the numbers that follow me after my mother's death. She always said that her lucky number was 5. My birthday falls on march 5th. It's a number she said she saw a lot and felt lucky for her. Since the exact day she died, that number...particularly the sequence 555...follows me (and my sister) everywhere. My mother passed away in May (the 5th month) in hospice room 5 at exactly 5:55pm. I see it on the clock constantly....but that's not all. lol....I had to laugh when I registered on this website and had to put in the confirmation code....mine was 155514. I also see the birthday's and dates of death for my mother and father (my last post was posted at exactly 11:17...my mother's birthday) Ironically enough, there was a song playing when both of my parents passed away. For my mother, that song was "somewhere over the rainbow" The day we found out my mother had cancer, there was a huge rainbow in the sky. And I've seen them a lot since then. And I hear the song a lot. In fact, the last movie my sister and I saw with our mom was "50 first dates"...far before we ever knew she even had cancer....and that song plays at the end of the movie. It's easy to think it's all a coincidence until it happens so often you just can't believe that anymore. Has anyone else had similar experiences....and if so, what do you think it means?

My name is Kelly. I'm 25 years old, and new to the forum. I come here 10 months after the death of my mother. She passed away in May after a nearly year long battle with advanced cervical cancer. It was brutal. And painful. And preceeded by the death of my father in 2000 after a long and painful illness of his own. He developed COPD, endocarditis, hypothyroidism and was on and off of ventilators and in and out of surgeries for a very long time. When I was 19 and in medical school, being that my parents were divorced, it was left to me as the oldest child to make the decision to take him off of life support after a massive stroke that left him brain dead. Five years later, my mother followed suit. (and in between the two, I also lost my grandmother as well) I signed my mother's DNR with hospice of the valley when I was 24. And I cared for her up until the end. I quit my job to stay home with her and take her to her treatments daily. And the only way I can describe it is brutal. In and out of the hospital, and the physical pain she endured was incredible. The cancer went undetected for about 2 years. She was diagnosed with a uterin fibroid until the doctor opened her up and found out they were wrong. It was cancer. And along with her uterus, he removed a mass the size of an orange. Despite treatment, the cancer spread, closing off her kidneys. She had tubes coming out of her back that needed care daily and she had to wear adult diapers. Soon she couldn't walk she was so weak.....and the most painful part for me was watching her lose her hair. That may sound superficial, but my mother was a hairdresser. And a damn good one. She had bright red hair that made you notice her in a crowd. And since I was a kid, it was part of the definition of who she was. I see the irony in the fact that she fought her weight her entire life and then struggled to eat. She died at 84 pounds. Neither one of my parents made it to 50. So now, here I am. I am now raising my 15 year old sister and we are on our own in the world. And we are both facing our own struggles and dealing with things very differently. And I find very little mercy in the world. It's all I can do to get out of bed now let alone face the countless things I'm bombarded with on a regular basis. There is no end to it. And people just don't understand that this doesn't go away after a few months. It persists like a nightmare you can't escape. It becomes an old excuse. At least that's what my friend tells me. You know the thing I hate the most? When people tell me that it is my choice to feel a certain way. I have no more choice in how I feel about this, than I would if someone smacked me in the head with a hammer. No...I got very few choices in this one. And the choices I did get to make, I question all of the time. I feel terrible guilt over the signing over both of my parent's DNR orders. Having a medical background I knew what I was getting into. But the questions remain. What if I had fought harder for them? What if I had explored alternatives? Second opinions? New treatments? Psychic healers for God's sake. I should have tried ANY and EVERY thing that may have had the smallest chance. But I didn't. I let them go. And it haunts me.