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pookie

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  • Date of Death
    13 April 2006
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA
  1. Oh, Sher, what a story, what a terrible, heartbreaking story. Your poor mom and poor you, too, and your family. Her suffering with one thing after another. You said something there which is at the heart of the matter. After the lives of bravery, determination, love, work, everything that a human being goes through, why does it have to end up like this? What a terrible end to our loved ones' lives. I would have grieved terribly anyway when my mum left me, we were so close, but my grief would have been tempererd with knowledge that she had accomplished so much in her life and was such a beautiful caring person and I would have been able to understand dying a little bit easier. I think that goes for all of us that has watched our loved ones suffering unnecessarily. Their pain when they have a disease, yes, we all accept that, inability of doctors to do anything once it gets to a certain stage, yes, we understand that they've done their best but its this NOT CARING attitude. In Australia, we are desperate for nursing staff and doctors in rural areas. None of them want to practice in these areas and they are offered all kinds of financlal inducements by the government just to come for two years but when one goes back to the cities and the big money, these rural communities are left with no one and when one comes along, they grab them irrespective of how good they are or not. A bit of a lottery. Then, nobody will criticise them because if they go, even though they'e not very good, we are left with nobody. Nursing staff are run off their feet doing double shifts. When something like public holidays, Easter, for example, comes around, the nurses jump at the chance of maybe getting some time off with their families. You cant blame them. Yet this situation here means that student nurses have more responsibility than they should have and it is accepted by hospital staff - better than nothing, they think, which it is, I suppose. Thats the side of nursing which we all understand and sympathise with. But where does this leave us and our loved ones? When we had our first interview with the Medical Superintendent of the hospital where mum passed, he actually said, with a laugh, "Dont you know that in a hospital it's who shouts loudest?" I just looked at him in shock. He quickly sobered up and kept going through Mum's file then but then followed it up with, "Look, my job here finishes tonight and I have five more cases/interviews to do today before I leave of people complaining about treatment. I cant give you any answers." All I know is that the suffering all this causes, and it seems world wide, too, is not recognised enough, all the devastation it causes afterwards by people grieving for years and years, long after they have put it behind them if theyve given it any thought at all. Sherr, your story really touched me and all I can think of to say is that your mom is in a better place now and has no pain, only surrounded by love, is watching over you all the time. you have nothing to forgive yourself for. You did the best you could at that particular moment. Guilt should be thrown out the window. When our guilt thoughts are analysed right down to teh core, it was not us that was the guilty party, it was the hospital/medical systems. Hugs Pookie
  2. Dear Chai I think you are coping really well with Father's Day, to be honest. Yes, cook the favourite dish, yes, if you can manage it, do the hike just as he showed you how to do. Be his eyes and enjoy the walk. Doesnt have to be straight away. You can start planning for it today, same thing. Pookie
  3. ARIES, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REPLY TO MY POST. I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR VERY RECENT LOSS. HOW SAD THAT SHE HAD KEPT HER DISEASE FROM YOU FOR SO LONG. IT MUST HAVE BEEN VERY HARD FOR HER DURING THOSE YEARS BUT SHE OBVIOUSLY DID IT OUT OF LOVE FOR YOU ALL. SHE DIDNT WANT YOU ALL TO WORRY. I HAD A SNEAKY SUSPICION MY MOTHER DID THE SAME ABOUT TWO YEARS WHEN SHE STARTED LOSING WEIGHT. SHE HAD A COLONOSCOPY AND I TOOK HER TO THE SURGEONS AFTERWARDS AND SHE WENT IN AND OUT VERY QUICKLY AND I WAS INDIGNANT THAT THEY HADNT SPENT MORE TIME EXPLAINING WHAT THEY HAD FOUND. I WAS ALL FOR GOING BACK IN AND TALKING TO HIM AND SHE STOPPED ME, GETTING VERY MAD, AND SAID NO, I DONT WANT YOU TO, SO I DIDNT. SHE WAS VERY INDEPENDENT AND I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST THAT, BUT NOWADAYS I DO WONDER. HOSPITALS ARE NOT WHAT WE ALL EXPECT THEM TO BE. YOU SOUND LIKE ME. I HAD FULL FAITH THAT WHATEVER THEY WOULD DO, IT WOULD BE THE RIGHT THING AT THAT MOMENT. I HAD SUCH RESPECT FOR NURSES. I NEVER DREAMED THEY WOULD BE SO DISINTERESTED OR LACKING IN EMPATHY. I KNOW THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY TERRIBLE SUFFERING AND IT MUST BE HARD TO LIVE WITH BUT THEY HAVE SUCH A GREAT RESPONSIBILITY AND IT CANNOT BE ABUSED. THESE ARE HUMAN LIVES AT RISK AND NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT TO THE INDIVIDUAL AND THE FAMILY CONCERNED. WE MET ONE GOOD NURSE, A SENIOR CALLED ROSEMARY. WE MET HER RIGHT AT THE END WHEN MUM WAS BEING WHEELED INTO THE GENERAL WARD, MEN AND WOMEN TOGETHER, TO PASS AWAY. THIS WAS JUST ANOTHER OF THE TERRIBLE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO US. I SAY US BECAUSE WE WERE SUFFERING RIGHT ALONG WITH MUM. WE CLUTCHED HER HANDS WHILST BEING WATCHED BY PEOPLE SAT ON THE ENDS OF THEIR BEDS. I TRIED TO DRAW THE CURTAINS TIGHT AND ONE OF THEM WOULDNT CLOSE. THE NURSE, ROSEMARY, SAID TO US, IF YOU WANT TO PUT IN A COMPLAINT ABOUT THIS, PLEASE DO SO IN WRITING. ITS HAPPENING ALL TOO OFTEN. AT THE TIME, I DIDNT TAKE IT IN. IT WAS ALL TOO OVERWHELMING. LATER I REFERRED TO THAT IN MY COMPLAINT LETTER BUT IT WAS JUST ONE ITEM IN MANY. BUT SHE SHED TEARS ALONG WITH US WHEN MUM TOOK HER FINAL BREATH AND I WAS SO APPRECIATIVE OF THAT AND SENT HER FLOWERS LATER ON. SHE HAD BEEN THE ONLY ONE. i, TOO, NOTICEDD HOW MUCH THE NURSES DISTURBED MUM IN THE TEN DAYS SHE SUFFERED IN THERE. AT ONE POINT, SHE ASKED ME TO FIND ANOTHER PILLOW AS SHE WAS IN DISCOMFORT AND TOO FLAT WITH THE TWO PILLOWS. THE SISTERS IN THE ICU SAID THERE WERE NO MORE PILLOWS SO I WENT IN SEARCH FOR ONE. I FINALLY FOUND AN EMPTY BED WITH FRESH PILLOWS ON SO TOOK THAT BACK WITH ME AND MUM SAID SHE FELT SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE. FIVE MINUTES LATER, TWO MEN CAME TO TAKE HER IN FOR AN XRAY OR SOMETHING. SHE WAS GONE THREE QUARTERS OF AN HOUR, CAME BACK VERY EXHAUSTED AND WHITE. THEY PUT HER BACK AND TOOK THE EXTRA PILLOW AWAY WITH THEM. I RACED AFTER THEM AND GRABBED IT BACK AND GOT MUM A BIT COMFORTABLE AGAIN AND THEN THE NURSES CAME IN TO TAKE HER FOR A SHOWER. I SAID SHES TOO TIRED JUST NOW AND THEY NO NO SHE MUST GET UP AND START WALKING. IT WAS SO CRUEL TO WATCH THEM. THEY TOOK HER INTO THE SHOWERS AND THEN BROUGHT HER BACK IN A WHEELCHAIR BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO WEAK TO STAND UP. SHE WAS CRYING. OH, GOD, ARIES, THE IMAGES ARE VIVID IN MY MIND. I HAVE THOUSANDS OF MEMORIES LIKE THIS. SHE PLEADED WITH ME TO COME HOME AND I STILL THOUGHT SHE HAD TO BE THERE UNTIL THE SURGEON TOLD US WE COULD GO HOME. I COULD HAVE SAVED HER SOME SUFFERING. SHE MIGHT NOT HAVE EVEN MADE IT HOME. WE LIVED 200 KS AWAY BUT STILL SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN WITH ME IN THE CAR, WRAPPED UP WITH BLANKETS AND LOVE, AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN PREFERABLE. I KNOW IT WOULD. THANK YOU FOR YOUR REASSURANCE. IM SORRY FOR YOUR MOM'S SUFFERING, TOO. YOU SOUND AS IF YOU HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE TO ME. YES, WE CAN HONESTLY SAY WE DID TEH BEST WE CAN BUT OH WHY CANT THE HOSPITALS HAVE SOMEBODY STOOD BY TO EXPLAIN WHATS HAPPENING AND TELL US WHEN TO SPEAK UP AND WHEN TO ACCEPT. A HOSPITAL IS LIKE AN ALIEN PLANET IF YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW THE SYSTEM WORKS. SENDING LOVE TO YOUR MOM UP THERE AND THANKS AGAIN TO YOU.
  4. Wondered if anyone were in a similar situation to me? I lost my mother in April 2006. She was diagnosed three weeks before her operation with colon cancer. She was so weak and fragile and also 87 years old and when the surgeon said he wanted to operate almost immediately, we started searching for other solutions as we didnt think she could go through an operation. To cut a long story short, the surgeon falsely told us she was as strong as an ox and would withstand the operation and so we went ahead with it. Whilst in the hospital, she was under the care of a student nurse due to it being Easter and warning signs of impending heart attack two days after the operation were not picked up. Mum passed away, having tried to fight the good fight but the odds were stacked against her and she passed away in hospital, heavily under morphine due to pain and we were not able to speak to her and say everything we wanted to say. The terrible discomfort she suffered at the hands of the hospital and disinterest paid her by the surgeon once he'd operated led to a full investigation led by me. The hospital was found negligent in care but the legal situation in Australia is stacked against anybody trying to sue a hospital. It is almost impossible and solicitors/lawyers will not take the case as there is not enough financial gain for them and much money to be laid out beforehand. Mum asked me repeatedly during her hospital stay could she come home and I mistakenly thought she must stay in hospital because her bowel was not working and I thought she was in the best place at that time. I just didnt know what to do. Since that terrible time, I have been haunted by the terrible suffering and fright she experienced in hospital. I understand that it was her time. She had advanced cancer and she was elderly but she suffered so much. I felt so helpless and I now feel I let her down. We could not speak to her for ten days after the operation until she passed away, due to the morphine. It seemed too strong. I kept telling them that. I have tried to move on with my life. I am not married and have no children, just one half sister. My mum and I lived together for the last 20 years as we both had gone through divorce and it seemed the logical thing to do. I was able to look after her in those final years and before that we had a great time and lots of fun together. She was my best friend as well as mother. Guess you've heard that before, of course. I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind goes to her suffering in the hospital. I have attended a psychiatrist last year and she did help me a lot but would never discuss the actual hospital problems we experienced. I asked her several times but she thought it counter productive. Has anyone had this kind of grief? Thank you for reading my post
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