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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

JR.

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  • Date of Death
    May 28, 2009
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA
  1. I think this has been the worst day since coming back to India. I can't seem to stop crying, or, I stop for a few minutes, but the moment I stop moving, it starts all over again. I'm packing to move onto my next research site via the capital city. I know I should be looking forward to seeing my friends and eating some decent food, but I can't believe that I can't just go home and be with my family for awhile. It's not like I'm getting anything done here, really. I feel like taking this fellowship was the biggest mistake of my life, and no matter what happens with my career, it will never have been worth it. I didn't get to see my dad in person for almost a whole year before he died, and I can't believe he's not going to be there when they finally let me go home.
  2. Dear All, thank you again for listening, thanks especially to those who are in the same low spot that I am. I'm feeling pretty empty and silent right now, not a lot of words left to come out, it seems. I made it through the weekend. The next challenge is making it through the next week of research. It's a solitary job, but I managed to get through today's stack of papers, so I have hope for tomorrow. One thing that made me feel better today was talking to my mom on the phone. She sounds like a completely different person. The caretaking was really hard on her and my brother (he lives with my parents), but I didn't realize how hard, really, until after my father died. I know my mother is grieving, but overall, I'd say is also just feeling relieved of a very heavy burden. I noticed while I was visiting that she seemed emotionally tired, but very, very relieved. She sounds a lot lighter on the phone. She can sleep through the night now, and although financially things are looking really tough for her, emotionally, I think she is going to be fine. Not so sure about my brother, he's a lot harder to read. On weekday down, four to go. Thanks, everyone--JR
  3. Dear all--thanks so much, it is good to hear voices other than my own in my head. I am truly alone out here, doing dissertation research in the desert of NW India. My closest American friend here is working in the capital city, a 12-hour train ride away, so I'm really just hanging on by myself. I know my dad was proud of my work, he and my mom both told everyone about my fellowship, and every time I called, my dad told me he was going to live to see me finish my Ph.D. I hate that I couldn't get it done quickly enough for him to see it completed, and I hate that I accepted a 12-month fellowship that took me away from him so near the end of his life. I mean, I hate it for me, mostly. My guilt seems mostly selfish, I am crying about what I missed because of this time outside the U.S., not necessarily that he missed spending time with me, even though I think he would have wanted to have more time together. I know people in the military must deal with this all the time, losing people back home when they are deployed on a mission. How do they not crack up in the end? I'm trying to fill in the hours. It's hot here, so I can only really run at night. My work is not really holding my attention, so I spend most of the day just hanging on until the moment I can go outside. I've been crying while I run, too, though, so I'm not sure it's doing me much good. I listen to my MP3 player a lot, and I try to sleep a lot, although I'm not doing too well with that. I threw away a lot of stuff of my dad's that I would have held onto, if it wasn't for my mom desire to purge his bedroom. One thing that surprised me, though, is how little stuff he really had. A couple of boxes of model railroad stuff, a lot of computer and satellite equipment, a few books, baseball caps, only a few trinkets... I guess some stuff is still out in the garage, tools, fishing poles, that kind of thing. Now, I don't know, was it always like that, did he always never have a lot of things, or did he get rid of a lot in the past few years? I'll never be able to ask. I pocketed a lighter than I had given him when I was a teenager--if I'd only known the grief that stupid lighter would cause me later in life--an electronic Sudoku game, his wallet, and two shirts. I held onto a few pages of his to do list, not sure why because I can't bring myself to look at them. In a couple of weeks, I have to go to the capital city to take care of some university paperwork. I'm not looking forward to that energy drain, but at least I should be able to spend some time with my friend. That should help me get through the next month.
  4. It's been almost four weeks since my dad died, and I'm slowly falling to pieces. I was out of the U.S. when he died; in fact, I've been out of the U.S. since Sept 2008, so I never really got to see him before he went. If I had realized what was happening, maybe I could have gotten back to the U.S. in time. The last time we talked on the phone, 5 days before he died, we didn't say much at all because he was so tired--why didn't I realize what was happening then, and go back to the U.S.? My mom even said they had gotten him some morphine, why did I realize what was happening? I was trying not to wear him out on the phone, but I wish I had talked to him longer when I had the chance... I was given two weeks' leave to go back to the U.S., so I spent that time helping my mom take care of things. My partner was able to take a week's sick leave, so she was with me for a week while I was in my hometown. I held it together for the most part for that time, mostly because someone had to get things done, and I couldn't make my mom clean out my dad's room, desk, closet, file cabinet...the hardest thing I've ever done is sort through my dad's desk. On one hand, he seemed to know he was running out time, because he made a list of all his passwords and instructions for the satellite TV for my mom and brother; on the other hand, he clearly wasn't ready because he'd just opened a new e-mail account, and he hadn't crossed everything off his "to do" list yet. I couldn't make myself throw away that list, even though it is killing me that two of the items on it have to do with my job and the country in which I'm living. My mom asked me to close down some of his e-mail accounts, but I haven't been able to make myself do that, either. I don't know, now I'm out of the U.S. again, completely by myself. It was a little boring before (I'm in a remote desert town, too hot to venture outside during the daytime, I spend a lot of time in my room), but now it is just torture. Today is a holiday here, so I am faced with a three-day weekend. I can't even really talk to my partner via webcam, the internet is so unreliable. I feel like I spend all my time either crying, or trying not to cry. I feel alternately shattered and empty, devastated and numb. I'm basically counting the days until my work is done (two and a half months), I hope this will be easier when I get home.
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