grievingalone

Mom finally gave in at 9:00PM last night according to an email my brother sent me. I fully expected her to die while I was away and it comes as no shock to me although I am still sad at her passing. I am also relieved she is no longer in pain. Thanks for all the support but I think I will be back here off and on for the next few months coping with this.

Yes. I am on my trip now. Just before I left my mother was moved to a hospice and we said our goodbye's or as much as we could through the cloud of morphine. My father is happy that I have gone as the last thing he needs is yet another grieving family member. Both my parents have shunned the idea of any funeral but her wishes are for her ashes to be spread in her rose garden which she loved so much so I will always have a place to "talk" to her. Thanks for the support, Boo.

My brother came yesterday with his family and we just spent a wonderful afternoon together. It was so good to see all of us together one last time. Lots of pictures were taken but no tears were shed although I am crying now as I think about it. My mother seems in good spirits but I can see that she tires easily especially when 6 grandchildren are present. A good day today.

Thanks mlg. Its not an easy thing when you have two sets of parents on two different continents to deal with. It invariably means that someones timing will be off and not everyone can be there all the time. Hopefully my brother can make before I leave so at least one of us will be here for the summer. After talking it over with my wife, she does admit to some guilt over the feud she had with my parents but to be fair to her my parents share in the blame. My father never could accept either my wife nor my brother's into the family. Her attitude comes from seeing people die every day, sometimes in horrible circumstances. I can't really blame her as she had to harden herself to face such suffering every day and be able to come home to her family at night but I think the ice is finally cracking. Things might change if one of her parents becomes ill. I noticed lately that I'm very tired. I guess this is part of the grieving process. Its so difficult dealing with a young family and the lingering death of an elderly parent.

Thank you so much for all the kind words, Boo. My guilt is definitely mixed here. As much as I love my parents, they always seemed in indifferent, all the while insisting that they wanted to see their grandchildren that's all they seemeed to do, look at them. My children (10-15), reflect this indifference towards their grandparents which is a shame but at the same time a relief that they won't suffer through grieving. I can't judge my wife's reactions because she has seen so much pain and suffering and spent countless days seeing things that would make me lose my mind. She's not completely desensitized as she feels deeply for her best friend whose 11-year old son is autistic and says her friend goes through a sort of grieving process every day of her life. You maybe right about her guilt about the feud, I had never thought of that. For myself, I can't really afford to "lose it" as so many people depend on me, I just have to keep going and find my own time to grieve. Luckily, both my parents have given me their blessing to go on our vacation and my father said he will not contact us should she pass away while we are gone. Not waiting for a phone call will make a big difference in enjoying my time away. Part of the vacation will be visiting my wife's parents so there will be some opportunity for reflection for her. Again, thanks for the kind words and understanding, it really helps.

About 3 years ago my mother (73 at the time) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. After a hysterectomy and chemo things seemed to settle down. About 2 months ago she started to feel pains again and her walking slowed down. She went to the doctor 10 days ago and was told that her cancer has returned to her liver and kidneys. She has been given 3 months to live. While I thought I had dealt with the grief 3 years ago, its come back to me like being hit by a truck. BANG! My father (83 now) has been going on a roller coaster. At first he broke down completely but now seems to be putting on a brave face for her sake. The biggest issue is with my wife and children. Just before my mother was first diagnosed with cancer, my wife had a rather bitter feud with my parents. She has kept the feud going all these years. Now I have feelings of guilt about my parents not being as close to their grandchildren as they could have been but, in truth, they never really seemed to care when I gave them the opportunity in the past but the guilt remains. We are about to leave on a long planned trip to Europe and I'm not sure if my mother will be alive when I return so I am going to insist that the grandkids get to see their grandmother before we go. My brother, who is currently ill, is coming out in July with his family to see my parents. He doesn't know about the relapse yet. To top it off, my wife is a battle-hardened geriatric nurse and doesn't see what the fuss is about in an old lady dying (both her parents are still alive). She sees no point in my grieving so I cry when I am alone. Thanks for listening.