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kswaneveld

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Everything posted by kswaneveld

  1. I have been reading everyone's posts for a couple of days since I didn't know how to handle my own grief. My first little dog, Kaiya, died on July first. She was a red dapple miniature dachshund. We went hiking on Tuesday night on a trail that starts by the road next to a lake and ends up at the ocean. My other dog Jeff and Kaiya were on the leashes until we got to the beach where I let them roam and ate some dinner. Kaiya wasn't off the leash for more than a minute before she took off after something in the woods. She has always been a great hunter and she had been running off more and more recently. I looked for her until around midnight and then was pretty frantic. I called my grandmother on the East coast and she told me to go home and that animals find warm places to hole up overnight. I made a report with the police but I was worried since it gets cold here at night in Alaska and there are lots of bears around. I couldn't sleep and sat on the couch with Jeff. I kept thinking I should go back and look again or I should get a sleeping bag and stay and wait there for her to come back. I regret not doing either of those things. I received a call at 4am that she had been hit by a car and was dead. I drove out to pick her up and she was no more than 100 yards from where the car had been parked. My life crumbled out from under me. I have never felt such pain. I couldn't believe the sounds that came out of me. It was the worst moment I have ever experienced. She had been dead for a while so I must have just missed her. I keep blaming myself and playing the "what if" game. What if I had stayed, or what if I had gone back one more time? I know that I can't change what happened. She was only 2 1/2. I can't imagine my life without her and I am really struggling. I know I have to be a good mom to Jeff as I just adopted him. He is a year old and had been abused so he has some issues. I keep realizing that he's not my little girl. He doesn't kiss like she did or cuddle under the blankets with me. She brought me so much joy and now I feel like I've done wrong by her. I didn't take good enough care of her and I feel such guilt. I just wish I could have her back.
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