ebsmom

I really don't have anything comforting or wise to share. I feel for you. Hang on. Ebsmom

Susan-- I hope that a few days has, at a minimum, allowed you to feel like you might be able to survive Zack's death. I had that experience when my dog Ebony had to be euthanized on July 3. For the first three days, i cried a lot--a real lot. I felt like i wasn't going to be able to live without her. Gradually things got a little better. The crying subsided though even now i tear up sometimes when something reminds me of her. Your struggle with the guilt of having to make "the decision" for Zack reminds me of the incredible guilt i felt about the decision we had to make regarding Ebby. The situation was different. (If you're interested, i wrote about it in "Goodbye to Ebony.") We had no idea on July 2 that we were not going to have Ebby for another day. Ebony attacked me in the middle of the night. It was horrible. The vet said she probably had a brain tumor. But did she? Was she in severe pain from her broken leg? Did we have her put to sleep when really there wasn't anything that serious wrong? Was it my fault? I struggled (and still do sometimes) with those thoughts and feelings over and over and over. I doubt that i will ever totally resolve them. We ended up adopting another dog a couple of weeks ago. That helped me a lot. Sometimes it feels like i'm betraying the Ebster by letting Depot play with some (not her special ones) of her toys, use the same bowls and leash, sleep in Ebony's room. But he needs to be loved and given attention now and i am most frequently at home with him. I have to do it. I can't let him suffer. I still miss Ebony terribly buy the pain isn't as great. My husband and the kids and i talk about her sometimes. Certain things make us think of her more. We laugh about the differences between her and Depot. It has been a good step for us. Has it been helpful for you to have your other dogs? I'm sure it is different--kind of like a table with only three legs. But does their love and dependence on you help or does it make it harder? I hope it has helped. I hope things are better for you. I hope that something i've said has been helpful or encouraging. Hang in there. Keep writing if you want. It helped me a lot, especially in the first couple of weeks. We all pretty much understand here from what i've seen. There are people here who care and sometimes that's all we need. Ebsmom (and now Depotsmom, too)

Thanks for humoring me as i show off my kids! I still have trouble looking at pictures of Ebony and not feeling like someone just hit me in the stomach. I miss the little critter a ton. Having Depot is helpful but he will never replace Ebony. She and i were stuck together at the ankle. We understood each other and took care of each other. I'm sure that Depot and i will get there but even then it will be different. I'm sure i'll love him just as much but it will still be different. I miss the little brown eyes looking at me with adoration. I miss her greeting me at the door by running circles around herself and dashing from room to room, grabbing her favorite toys and bringing them to me. Depot already greets me with excitement and i'm honored by that. I just wish it would make me not miss the Ebster. Anyway... Dobby's mom: He's beautiful! When the time is right, you will know and you will bring home a little brother or sister for him. We got Depot from a rescue group. They were concerned that because he is a big puppy, he would not be adopted from a shelter. They had only had him a couple of days when i responded to their ad so he didn't even have an adoption fee! We paid for microchipping and then for shots and an exam at the vet's. Maybe you can find someone special without the huge fees, too. I'm all for seeing others' pictures of their babies. I usually have pictures of my kids in my purse or something and will show them to anyone who will show even the slightest bit of interest in my stories about them. If i can show them here, i won't drive as many people around me nuts telling them all about Eb and Depot! Ebsmom

Hey there everybody. I'm not sure that i know what i'm doing here but i am attempting to post some pictures of my babies. I'm sure it won't be too tough to figure out which is my Ebony who has been gone for just over three weeks and which is Depot, our new nine-month-old puppy! The first five pictures are of Ebony when she was with us. These are fi ve my favorites though there are many others. I figured you'd get bored if i put hundreds of shots of her here! She was my best friend for almost ten years and i miss her terribly. When she first came to live with us, she was just a tiny little thing, not quite seven pounds. But that was seven pounds of energy and mischief just waiting to explode--with toilet paper all over the floor! The later pictures are of her as an adult on her Dad's lap, on my lap, and with her cast just before she died. I wish Depot could have met the Ebster! Ebony was a live wire from the get-go. What other dog breaks her leg chasing squirrels when she is nearly ten? We loved her in spite of herself because she was a naughty one! She was very, very smart and used her brains to cause trouble! She learned to open drawers and cupboard doors when she was a couple of months old. That meant that she had access to all the chew toys any dog could want!!! Even baby latches were a mere puzzle to be conquered to her. We had to use two on every drawer because she figured out how to open one. Just be sure to put them far enough apart that she can't stand on them both at once and still open the drawer! The last two shots are of Ebony's little brother, Depot. Depot is already twice the size of Ebony. We talked with the vet about his possible ancestry. As best as we can figure, it looks like he is German Shepherd, Great Dane, some type of scent hound, and a water-loving dog. The pictures don't clearly show how tall he is. He can eye something on the table without raising his head! Thank God he missed the genes for mischief and/or naughtiness! Depot is a very mellow, sweet, affectionate dog. He entertains himself with a rawhide or two but does prefer to play with someone. He's an easy guy to walk. He already was housebroken and crate-trained when he came to us. I can't figure out why someone would have kept him in the crate or tied outside after that. He's a very gentle, mellow guy. Sure, he's a puppy but even at age nine, Ebony required more watching during her free time than he does now! I hope i don't make you feel worse by sharing about both of my dogs. I hurt so badly when Ebony died and was bewildered by the circumstances surrounding her death. I still don't understand what happened but i know that i have to keep going. For me, it was important to have another dog. I think that Depot came at the right time and with the personality that i need right now. Thanks for tolerating my stories and listening to me! Ebsmom... and now Depotsmom, too!

Hey there! Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your grief though i have only lost one dog in the last several years. It's awful to feel like a piece of my heart was ripped out. I can't imagine how that feels when it is multiple pieces... Hang in there. While i still miss Ebony terribly, i am doing better than i was the first few days. I'd guess that with succeeding losses, it might take more time to get back on your feet. Still, hang in there. I know that it does get better down the road. Maybe when i can post a picture of Depot when he gets here tomorrow, you can laugh as you try to figure out what breeds he contains!

Since Ebony died three weeks ago, it has been quiet and lonely around here. Not only do we miss her, we miss having a dog in general. When we found an ad for a nine-month-old rescue dog who needed a home, we decided to look into it. Compared to our 30 pound Ebony, this guy is huge! He's already over 60 pounds and he's still growing! His original owners did very little with him. He is housebroken but knows nothing else. He's kind of wild and out of control. That probably has to do with the fact that he was either crated or tied out almost all the time. His first few weeks here will be filled with doggy school! Depot (In honor of my husband's railroad obsession!--we renamed him from Milo) is a Cannardly. You know, a Cannardly--you can hardly tell what he is! They say greyhound/shepherd but i don't think that's all. He has long, long legs; huge feet; a skinny tail; and his face is slightly narrow--greyhound features. Shepherd features? Maybe his widow's peak... Then what do we do with his long hound looking ears and his brow wrinkles? Some type of hound, too? And his webbed toes indicate some kind of water dog. He really is a Cannardly! I sometimes feel guilty for getting a dog this soon. I don't want to betray Ebony at all. I still love her. I'll always love her. I miss her terribly. After three weeks, i still have moments of panic wondering where she is and what mischief she is committing. Then there is the letdown when i remember that she is gone. Nearly every time i come home, i pull into the driveway and have a moment of excitement when i think about walking in the door and having her get so excited that i am home. Then i remember she isn't here. My heart hurts. I know that Depot won't replace the Ebster. There is no way. I doubt that he will be as smart as Eb was because she was the smartest dog i have ever known. But i think that Depot will quickly work his way into our hearts next to her. He is cute and loves to be petted. He hasn't figured out that he isn't a tiny little guy yet so it is funny to watch him try to manuever around things! His paws flop around and his ears flop right with them! I do feel better than i have felt since Ebony died. Knowing that Depot is coming tomorrow gives me something to look forward to. I'm sure that training him will help keep my mind off of how very much i miss Ebby. She was such a good girl and a wonderful friend. I hope that Depot will quickly feel at home and bond with our family. If i can't have Ebony back (which would be my first choice), then i want another dog who can become as special and important as she was. Ebsmom

Aw, Bailey's mom... I'm so sorry that you had to have Bailey put to sleep. I know firsthand how awful that decision is, even when a part of you knows that it is right. Though she didn't complain, you know she had to be in pain. Still, how overwhelming the sense of loss. It was three weeks ago today that we had to have Ebony euthanized. It was awful. I hurt so bad that i couldn't imagine every feeling any better. I questioned whether or not i should have done something differently. I blamed myself. Sometimes i felt like i was just going to fall over dead with grief. I cried most of the first three days. I didn't know which way was up. I was upset that my husband put away all of her toys and other stuff. I kept trying to find her smell in her blankets and things. I slept with a stuffed animal he had given me that looked a lot like Eb and was soft to pet. I posted twice about Ebony, once about her death and once about how much i missed her. If you read those, you'll get a sense of how awful i felt. I still miss her terribly but i know now that i can go on. My husband suggested that we make a memory box for her with pictures, her tags, and some other stuff. We've gathered the items for that and the project seems to give me a focus and a sense that Ebony will live forever in our hearts. Now, i am doing much better. I still miss her every minute but the pain is not so intense. Every couple of days i still cry but i'm not sobbing for hours at a time. I find myself listening when she's not in the room--a habit that hasn't gone away. I wonder what mischief she might be getting into. Then i remember that she is no longer here. It brings a wave of sadness. I look at her pictures and whisper that i love her. Sometimes i can even laugh at how naughty she used to be. I'm still proud of the number of tricks that she was able to learn. Fellow dog mom, hang in there. It WILL get better. It will take time. Remember that Bailey will always be in your heart. There is no way that someone so significant to your life will ever be forgotten. You'll probably have times when you'll feel like mush on the floor but gradually those times will become further apart. You will survive. It just hurts like hell in the meantime. It comforts me to think that Bailey and Ebony are running around in the doggie section of heaven, getting to know one another and grieving for their moms. Sometimes they doggie giggle and sometimes they cry. They are back to young, healthy dogs. And they wait for us to join them. My thoughts are with you. Ebsmom

Thanks for your words, Tina! It really does help me to communicate with people who get it. I do have people around who care about me but few who understand the deep bond that i had with the Ebster. We are going to find another pet soon. My class reunion is this weekend so we will be out of town. We didn't want to get a new baby and then live him/her here with our (good, but young adult, not yet mature) kids! It is somewhat exciting to think of playing with and training and loving a new pet. I still have a lot of trouble letting go of the guilt that i feel in adopting someone new. I don't want to be disloyal to Ebony. I so much hope that someday i will see her again. Tina, thanks for sharing your experiences so far with adopting Zoe to be Scarlett's little sister. I know that i will easily fall in love with another dog. I have always loved animals and they seem to know that i love them. It just is so hard because i want Ebony back. I miss HER. I can love another dog but no other dog will ever be her. I don't think i would expect another dog to take her place or expect it to do the things she used to do. But missing her is the biggest problem now. I hope a new baby can take some of that pain away. I'm so glad you guys are willing to listen! Ebsmom

You know, Karen, i think i also feel some relief with losing Ebby. In March, she had abdominal surgery to remove a bone which she ate--completely. I had to carry her everywhere because she couldn't climb stairs or get up on "her" couch or bed. She also required medications--pain meds every eight hours around the clock and an antibiotic for a week. Once Ebony had nearly recovered from her surgery we began walking daily, trying to build up to our old three-mile walk every morning. We did three miles a couple of times but were not there regularly. Then, coming up to our driveway on the way home, she saw a squirrel and took off after it. She turned sharp following the little bugger and instantly stopped with her back leg in the air. She'd broken her leg. Again i was carrying her everywhere. By this time, she was so terrified of the vet (She was a total wimp about pain!), she wouldn't get out of the car. She'd have to be muzzled for even me to get her out and take her in. She was not happy. One time i had to get a tech to help me! The need for muzzling is the area in which i feel relief. As my familiy and i have thought about it, we have seen how she was getting more and more irritable and unpredictable. (I feel like i shouldn't say that because i don't want people to think ill of my girl. Before this all started, she was a sweet, super smart, fun-loving baby.) I was starting to worry everyday that she was going to get upset with someone and start gnawing on their feet. I never worried about her doing that to me, though. She was a one-person dog in many ways and i was her person. I was certain she would never bite me... I admire you for devoting your time to Onyx right now. I think i would be so scared of losing her that i would adopt another kitty or two to protect myself from the loneliness and pain when she goes. I can see where people like to have two pets or more at a time. At least when one dies, you and the others can mourn together and the activity of the other pets helps keep you going. We would probably have two dogs if we could afford it but if Ebony was a good example of vet bills, we are certain that one is enough! I appreciate "talking" with you, Karen. It comforts me. I hope that others are finding help here, too. Now, if you will excuse me, i must go deal with my 22-year-old son whose alarm has been beeping for a half hour! (Why? He doesn't have to work for four hours and he never gets up until it is time to get ready and go!)

Sweet poem, Karen. In thinking about getting a new dog in the near future, it is confusing to think about what that means about Ebony. It helps to think of her as alive in my heart forever. I often wonder if getting another dog is a betrayal of her. I know that no other dog will ever take her place. I think that there is enough room in my heart for another doggy relationship. I don't think that another dog will take Ebony's place. Maybe it will distract me some from her loss. Will it? Is it bad that i don't want to grieve as deeply as possible? I don't think that's necessary. I don't think i'm trying to side-step anything. I just want to get a new dog and start training. I had just gotten Ebony walking with me without a leash. She still had a streak of mischief but she was obedient. She was such a sweet girl. I missed Ebby a lot today. It was the first day since her death that i had the house alone. Both kids were at work by noon and the first one home will be after 8 PM. Those used to be the days when Ebony and i would enjoy one another. I kept thinking that she was just around the corner like she usually was. I'd go downstairs and listen for her feet on the floor upstairs--just in case she decided she wanted to get into something. I was walking around the house watering my plants and realized that i don't have to close all the doors to keep her from finding something unauthorized to bark at and/or play with. When i was outside in the flower garden, the rustle of leaves wasn't her coming to see me for a minute before running off to find an adventure. There was no one to go on a couple of errands with me. The lady at the bank didn't see her in the back seat and offer her a treat. I just miss her all the time. I wonder when i will stop missing her. Again, thanks for listening...

Thanks so much for your support, Karen. It is so lonely without Ebony AND without the understanding of other people. I could talk about Ebby for hours but people are quicdkly bored. My husband doesn't like to talk about things that are painful. He isn't rude or mean or anything but the conversation just tends to flop. Dinty must have been a really special kitty. I'm glad that you found help from the animal communicator. It sounds like she really did a good job for you. No, i don't think you're crazy. There are lots of things that happen in the world that we don't understand. I don't think it's something i want to try though. I'm just not comfortable with it for me. It would be cool if Dinty and Ebony could have been friends. Ebony would have wanted to chase Dinty at first. If Dinty would have stood his ground, she would have straightened out! Then they could have been friends and played and cuddled with one another. Maybe wherever they are they can meet. Take good care of yourself, Karen! I've got a stuffed animal that looks somewhat like Ebony. She was very soft and the stuffed animal is soft, too. I can pet it a little when i'm lonely for Eb. It isn't quite the same but i sleep with it. It brings me comfort. Maybe people think i'm crazy about that! Ebsmom

I'm missing Ebony so bad these days that i don't know what to do with myself. We used to spend an average of about 20 hours a day together. I buckled her into her doggy seatbelt whenever i could take her with me for errands or appointments. I loved to be with her. I've stopped sobbing all the time. I'm glad for that. It was messing up my contacts so i couldn't see. Now it's just this ache inside, longing to share my chair with her, listening for her feet following me around, seeing her looking all fuzzy when she first woke up. I miss the jingle of her tags when she shook herself and the sound she made when she yawned and stretched--first the front legs, then the back legs. Where do i put the guilt i feel over the days before her life ended? She was my baby and whenever she hurt, i hurt. Her broken leg was hurting her but i didn't know it until hours before she bit me. I let her be in pain without recognizing it. She had been fine that morning, running and thumping her cast on the floor. But did she really have a brain tumor or some other type of neurological problem? Was that what made her bit me? Was i too quick to agree that she should be euthanized? I knew that was a possibility when my husband and son took her to the vet. Why didn't i go along? I know she was terrified there. Not only that, her mom had abandoned her. I feel terrible about that. I didn't want her to have to die alone. I feel so bad about that and there is nothing i can do about it now. I want so much to believe that pets and people share the same afterlife. I can't bear to think of my Ebster just gone. I just want to stroke her and rub her ears while i tell her that i love her. She was such a good dog. It hurts so bad to think that i will never see her again. She was my best friend, in many ways even closer than my husband. We are thinking very seriously of getting another dog in a week or so. It certainly won't replace Ebony but we do have enough love to share with another pet. Maybe training another dog will help to ease the pain of Ebony's loss. There will probably always be things that will make me think about Eb. I hope that in time they become warm and happy thoughts. Thanks for listening. There aren't many people who understand the magnitude of grief when one loses a pet. My husband knows that i miss Ebony but he doesn't really want to hear it. Very few others in my life understand how close i was to Ebony. They don't get that she was a part of everything i did. Now when i do those things that i did when she was here, there is a sharp pain inside when i look around to see where she is and then remember that she isn't here. Ebsmom

Hey Julie. I cried when i read your post. I am sorry for all that you have lost. I am also dealing with my own loss. I wasn't able to go to the veterinary hospital when my baby, Ebony, was put to sleep. She had bitten me in the face overnight and i was home dealing with my own injuries. My husband and stepson didn't stay with Ebony when she was put to sleep. I feel really guilty for that. I wish i could have been with her. I can understand how difficult it is to feel like you've failed your pet. It has been nine days for me and i still look for Ebony everywhere i go. When i take a shower in the evening, i get out expecting to see her lying on the floor waiting for me. I miss her underfoot in the kitchen. There is no one to like my oatmeal bowl in the morning. No one runs circles around the house and my legs when i get home. I miss her so much. Julie, i don't think that you failed Petey. You may not have been holding him at the moment, but your heart was holding him all the time. Petey knew you loved him. He knew you were his mom. Dogs take in so much more than is always obvious. Though it was awful, you died the best thing for him. He may have lingered on for days in extreme pain. You were there for him. You took care of him. I don't think that you have anything to feel guilty about though i know it is sometimes tough to believe that when you are hurting and missing someone like Petey. Hang in there, Julie. I am hurting with you. Ebsmom

Hey there! It feels awful to lose one of our babies. I'm so sorry to hear about Kaiya. I can relate to your loss, your grief, your guilt feelings. I, too, have recently experienced that feeling that your stomach just dropped out through your shoes. I know what it's like to cry until your eyes are so swollen you can't wear your contacts. There is no other way to describe it all than to say it's awful. It hurts so bad you can hardly breathe. I believe that you did the best that you could on the night that Kaiya died. You didn't know what else to do. You had to take care of Jeff and yourself. You asked your grandma for advice and she gave the best that she knew. Unfortunately, even when we do our best and sometimes even when we do the "right thing," bad things still happen. I sorry that it happened to you now. I don't think you did anything wrong. Please don't add guilt to your hurt. You loved her. You didn't know what else you could do. As you can, let the happy memories sustain you through the times when you miss Kaiya. It won't bring her back, but i've found that the overwhelming sense of loss does diminish. It takes time but it does happen. I had a psychologist friend tell me that grief for a pet is different than grief for a person. He said that the grief for a pet is typically more acute but that the relief usually comes more quickly than when a person dies. I don't know if that is true but it has given me something to hold onto. Your Kaiya, CharlieGirl's Scarlett, and my Ebony have all left us in the past couple of weeks. A friend of mine said that Ebony is waiting for me at the Pearly Gates. (Saint Peter keeps telling her it's okay for her to go in but she doesn't want to go without me. I'm the one who always told her when it was safe to cross the street.) I bet Kaiya and Scarlett are waiting there for you. Maybe they can become friends and comfort one another while they wait for us... I hope your healing comes soon. I imagine you miss Kaiya as much as i miss my Ebster. Ebsmom

I'm new and sorry i haven't yet offered support to others. I'm a wreck right now. I'm completely drained and i just don't have enough to give to others. I'll just start crying all over the keyboard. We had to unexpectedly euthanize our dog yesterday. Ebony was an adorable puppy--solid black (hence her name) with a beagle look, lab ears, and a tail that went on forever. She was a holy terror growing up. She ate three couches, two chairs, a million towels, socks, bedding, tissue boxes (tissues are so fun to toss around!), Tupperware lids... I'm sure you get the picture. She had a stubborn streak and she would give a little growl to express her disagreement but she quickly became obedient whether she wanted to do what was asked or not. Ebony became my third foot. From the start, she stood with her little paws on the bottom rung of the ladder as i painted the kitchen ceiling. She "helped" quite a bit, sitting on my lap as i painted the trim and getting her paws, side, whiskers, and tail in the white paint! I struggle with extremely severe depression which often keeps me from working and Ebony became my near-constant companion. We walked three miles a day. Eventually she grew to be able to walk with me without a leash, following my commands with no question. She often rode along when i went on errands. She worked out in the yard with me. She was always willing to take a nap at my side. She loved to hunt squirrels (and caught 11 of them over the years--yucky!) She knew how to sneeze on command, turn around both ways, play hide and seek, and a total of just under a hundred commands, words, and/or phrases. At night she slept somewhere on the bed (usually wherever she wanted) with my husband and me. Ebbers had a few injuries and illnesses over the years. She got her tail caught in the snowblower when she was a puppy (and cried for hours), had two bouts of coccidiosis which made her extremely sick, was attacked by a bigger dog on two different occasions (very minor injuries both times but lots of scariness), was "rolled over" by a car last summer (no none injuries), last March she ATE a bone and had to have surgery to get it out, and a couple of weeks ago she broke her leg chasing a squirrel. She only trusted me to carry her up the stairs when that was necessary. I'd carry her food to her. I'd give her water when she couldn't get to the bowl. I'd sit with her on the couch so she could snuggle right next to me. She was never happy about pain and avoided scary things like a plague. She'd hide at the vet's office and had to be muzzled for them to do her nails. As we look back, we can see that something was going on with Ebony last fall. We don't remember exactly when it started but know that it was before Thanksgiving. She had been getting aggressive when bumped by someone. She would attack a foot or whatever accidently hit it, growling and giving what appeared to be warning bites--no skin broken, just lots of bluster. We would discipline her appropriately but every once in awhile it would happen again. She freaked out at Thanksgiving. She always laid under the table at holidays, out of the way, quietly vigilant for dropped tidbits. Our daughter moved her feet (didn't even bump Eb to her knowledge) and Ebony came flying after her feet, growling and snapping. I took her away but it was worrying to us. My husband and our daughter (age 19, huge dog lover) became afraid of her. Her surgery in March and then her leg injury didn't help at all. Last week, with her leg in a cast, she would not allow us to put a plastic bag/sock on her cast to keep it clean and dry. I could touch her cast but could not slip a sock over it without having her growl and lunge at me. At other times, she was my sweet, loving cling-on, finding unauthorized games to play with the wastebasket or a rug when she was bored (and was supposed to be resting). On Thursday afternoon/evening, Eb started tearing crazily at her cast. I couldn't stop her. Even verbally confronting her led to growling. Again, at other times she was sweet and affectionate. The tearing at her cast became worse and worse. We called the vet and made an appointment for Friday morning to see if something was hurting her. She had trouble settling down to sleep (My husband was sleeping downstairs because he was afraid of bumping her and having her attack his foot.) and consequently i didn't sleep well. I was up from 1:00 AM to almost 3:00. I thought that some of her leftover pain medication might be helpful. Still she kept attacking her cast frantically. When i finally laid down at about 3:00, Ebony came flying up from mid-bed, growling and biting my face. I managed to roll over to gently restrain her until she calmed while blood steadily dripped from my nose, both inside and out. When she relaxed, i got up to wake my husband and take care of my face. There was nothing too serious about the bite. It could have been much worse. She missed my eye by less than 1/4". My nose has several little rips in it and is swollen like a tomato from the impact. My lip is split. It's sore but i think it looks worse than it is. Obviously, i was upset. I wasn't mad at Eb. I was just distraught, knowing that something was wrong with her, knowing that she wasn't okay, knowing that we were going to lose her. My husband and son took Eb for her vet's appointment. I got her into the car and said as much goodbye as i could. It wasn't supposed to be like this. The vet has known us for several years and knows how much Eb and i loved each other. He understood the significance of her bite to the face--especially to my face. He knew that though Eb could be a grump, this was nothing like she'd ever exhibited before. He talked with the guys about the loss of trust and the concern that her aggression continued to increase. He wondered if she might have a tumor that was affecting her or whether or not her car "roll over" had done something to her. He shed tears with my husband as they said goodbye to Eb. Though it kills me to think of her going through it alone, my husband couldn't stand to be with her. (I really don't know if i could have either.) We've been crying and sobbing off and on for the last 24 hours. I feel guilty, wondering if i somehow caused her to become so aggressive. I was her primary caretaker and trainer. Should i have done something different? Was she in pain? Did i miss that? She had played earlier in the day, bouncing around on her three legs and a thump. I wonder if we should have tried longer. I'd always expected her to live another three or four years. I miss Ebony so bad. I keep wondering where she is, what mischief she might be into. She was my biggest comfort. Petting her would soothe my pain. I keep wanting to stroke her velvet coat so i can feel better. Then i remember that her not being here is what causes my pain. It's all so sad. Thanks for listening and letting me tell you my story.