i lost my grandmother a month ago. I lost my mom a week ago tomorrow. She was 69 died of copd. She seemed so young. I was able to be with her during the 48 hours before her last breath. I slept in the nursing home and checked on her every hour or so. She struggled so. I cannot get the images out of my head. I feel devastated. I can hear her struggling to breath when i close my eyes to sleep. I cannot sleep. I am shocked and saddened that she died. Sometimes i cry and just cry. Cannot concentrate for long periods. cannot sleep but that is all i want to do. i held her hand and soothed her head. I let her know that i loved her. I love you mommie i would say every hour. In and out of her level of conciousness she would recognize me, really see me there and she did not want me to leave. With other family members in the room i could feel her eyes on me and see her watching me wherever i went as if she did not want me to leave. I know she did not want me to leave. With her last breath i think a part of me died too. I cannot get on with life as i should. I have not let go of her as of yet. I need to know she is okay, at peace and in a better place. I know she loved me. We had our times and our family as a whole was ridiculous. My father died when i was 3... suicide.....it was my mom, my grandmother and my 3 sisters and brother. crazy life. I was not able to be there with my grandmother who died the same of copd. I was deeply saddened by her death and we all new mom would go shortly after mama did. and she did. my mom died on monday oct 6. My sisters birthday was oct 5. my dad killed himself on oct 7. my man of 20 years and i decided to call it quits after many years of trying to have a relationship that just was not there anymore. he left the friday before my mom died. now i am left with loss of all 3 and feel crazy or that i will go insane. my siblings with the exception of 1 are now not talking as the issues of family, life etc have surfaced and in our usual style we have to pull apart rather than be together for one another. It is horrible. I am having extreme anxiety to the point of almost passing out and last night i was so sick from it all i threw up. I have tried to sleep but i keep waking up. I hear my breathing and think it is my mom's. I hear her gurgling and drowing in her own fluids. I do not know where to put this.....perhaps here i have found a place. i know that i will get better with time, love and comfort however until time goes by i feel horrible. I miss my mother, my grandmother. They were strange, quirky women but god i loved them. I do not know how to do this.
