Tea

Hello everyone, I thank you so much for getting back with me. I spend a lot of time with them going on walks, going to the play ground and even taking them swimming as you all know it is very hot in las vegas, but i smoke the most when i'm not doing things, if i'm bored or even on the computer.the best thing is now i want to stop even more because of my kids. I feel my kids need me now more then ever it's just us now and i can't afford to have something happen to me because of my acts like smoking getting in the way of me living as long as i can for my children. I know you will never really know when you will past away but i don't want to help get here faster by smoking I'm not going to let this take me down. I have enough on my mind trying to cope about allen and taken care of my kids alone. As for my friends I don't know what to say for them. My friends that live far from me do call but its nothing like talking face to face. my friends that are here makes me feel that they have let me down. and if that is really the case then maybe they where not my frends to begin with. No biggy I have made some wonderful friends here. I may have not seen you all face to face but you all don't even no me and you all have showed me so much love through just your words and kindness thanks sooo much. xoxo Tea

Hello Everyone, It's been one month, seven days, 8hours and 3 mins since allen past. Today has been very bad for me. mostly because i received allens remains.I could not help but to cry even more . His remains came in a big plastic bag in a hard plastic box.It is so hard to know that is him.Then i was send all his photos from my cell to the computer to save them. I had to look at photos from the funeral which was very hard but i did do it, just in case something happen to my phone. I feel like I'm all alone. No one to really talk to. yes i type to you all but it still not the same. some people i use to talk to acts like i have some sort of disease like they can't talk to me since this happen . There excuse is I don't know what to say to you. It helps just to have people around you sometimes because when i'm alone at home with my children and i'm crying some of them don't understand. the older ones do but they go out with there friends and i'm left at home alone. some familly members call but its not the same as having a conversation in person. I have been running around everyday just so i won't be in the house alone. I have 18 year old i adopted he is handicap, 16 year old twins that are in chicago for the summer, a 14 year old, a4 year old, a 2 year old foster son, and a 15 year old sister in chicago for the summer as well. allens kids live in chicago. so with the older ones gone the younger ones and the handicap ones don't understand. I try not to cry in front of them but sometimes i can't help it. Now to top that off I smoke cigars (Black and milds)i was down from five a day to 1 and a half but now i think i smoke about 7 a day. I was trying to quit. but with the stress i'm smoking more everyday. I know this may sound like nothing but one cigar is like five cigerettes and need to quit not only for my self but for my kids aswell but its hard.

First let me say i'm so sorry that you have to go through this i just lost my husband in june. the people here are so nice and i feel i can talk to them when i can't talk to anyone else. No one understands unless they go through it it is not the same as losing a sibling parent or even a child, all of them are totally different. I feel the same way i cry all the time but not in front of everyone. I don't want to here it's going to be ok or you will get past this or even the friendly patting on the shoulder. I know that there trying to help and it is not there faught but but they still don't understand what you are going through.I look at his pictures,talk to him saying I love you baby good night or good morning as if he never left because i know that his spirit is around me but I miss him soooo much. It is still fresh in your heart like it happened just a few minutes ago. but through the help of the friends here they will help a whole lot. just keep reading and writing. In the days to come you will fell a little better even though it hurts sooo much.

Hello everyone, Thank you so much for your love and support. reading everything made me feel a little better.I know my baby is in a better place and i'm not bitter about he pasted away because i know that god has a plan for all or us and that is is writen in the books when we shall all leave this earth. I just miss him sooo much. Its has been a month now and still seems unreal. as everyone knows what i'm going through i use to talk to him everynite before i went to bed know i cant even sleep. It might sound crazy but i have had some signs to know that he is around me. and that makes me smile to know that he is watching over us.years ago he use to say he would always be around if he passed away in a joking kinda way( i will hunt you because i love you so much and i would laugh and say come on and do it i'm not scared).I have lots of pictures and my children and I talk about him a lot but my youngest still thinks hes at the hospital. but she thinks michael Jackson is sleeping.Allen recorded a few messages on his phone just playen around but we have them so she can here his voice. Everyone thinks Im a very strong person and says you will be ok. I know I will but I t is still hard for me, I cry all the time. I Cant face the fact that he passed away three days after i left. I feel i should have been there that he did not have me by his side in his time of need to help him or something. I know that its not really like that but thats how i feel.

HI, my name is Tanya I lost my husband june 17 2009. He was 35.He was diagnosed with leukemia dec 08. allen had chemo twice in vegas befor they sent him to are home town chicago for a stronger chemo. In may he began to cough and get fevers. Allen went to the doctor to get the third chemo and i told him to wait because it brings your immune system down but he got it anyway because he want to get back to us in vegas. i came to visit allen june 9 to june 14. he looked tiered but not really sick. three days later my baby collaped and pass away. I know my hsband is in a better place and is not suffering anymore. im happy that he is healed and there is no more pain. but i'm angry because that my husband did not die from leukemia the chemo had killed the infection and he would have been ok if it wasn't for the cold that ifound out was a fungal infection of the lungs which is a mold. I believe that it came from his mothers house where he was staying. his mother believes it too. I miss my husband so much.I feel his spirit all around me . the only thing that keeps me going is my children . we have eight that we have raised together.my question is we have a 3 year old that we just adopted last year and she keeps asking me i want to talk to daddy is he still sick in the hot pickle (hospital). Itell her yeah he is still sick. how do i explain the truth or when?