Fredzgirl

I met a wonderful guy about a year after Fred died. I think it worked for me because this guy is so accepting of my love for Fred. There are times when I'm reminded of my life with Fred and tears come to my eyes or a sigh escapes and Tony is okay with that. I don't have to supress my need to talk about Fred. I love them both. I explain it to others by reminding them that they don't stop loving their first child when a second child comes along. You love them both equally. Fred died three years ago. I guess I will always miss him. I still have one of his outfits hanging in the closet because I need to have it there. I have moments of disbelief ... How could he not be here? Tony has brought me lots of laughter and good times and it feels good to love and be loved. It doesn't make losing Fred easier. We all want and need different things in our lives. This is working for me.

I haven't visited this site for many months. I did so tonight because tomorrow is the anniversary of Fred's passing. We weren't legally married and there were no rings. We did live as man and wife for 11 years. I started dating fairly early on. It was too soon and I ended up crying a lot when I got home. My first dates were with a widower so he was very understanding and helped me along. Now I'm in a very special relationship with an amazing guy. I feel like we are falling in love. This new relationship is very separate from my relationship with Fred. Loving someone new doesn't mean that I love Fred any less. I'll always love him and our life together. I tell my friends that, to me, it's like having more than one child. You don't stop loving your first child when the second one comes along. Fortunately, we have a great capacity for love. One thing I've come to realize in the past year is that there are no rules for grieving. We all do it differently.

This has been a week of, "Now what?" for me too. Fred died in 7/8/09. It hasn't been a year yet and I have dabbled in dating. I have challenges with letting things happen and always want to make them happen. I want to know if I'll be alone for the rest of my life or if not, who will be sharing my life with me. I'm 59 years old and figure that I don't have a lot of time for waiting. I've thought about moving into a smaller place but I'm not ready. Options are limited anyway with the housing market. I'm self employed and was only able to take off a couple of weeks when Fred died. My short term dating relationship ended this week. My hopes for a connection to a long ago love sort of fizzled out this week. A relative died, bringing back memories of my own loss yesterday. All this peaked when I saw Fred's keys on the counter. As much as I try to go through the motions of normalcy, I'm not done grieving and suppose that I never will be. So I'm with you ... Now what? - Fredzgirl

To Kat and all of you who are learing to do things yourselves, I'm sorry for your loss and the reminders of how you are missing your loves. Fred took care of our dogs. It seems like I'm always feeding them or walking them now. It's hard to pick up his share of the work and expenses. We were never married so I had no insurance to cover expenses that he normally took on. What I miss most this time of year is how he kept my feet warm! Sometimes I go to bed wearing these fiber-filled slippers he bought me when I was working in Indiana but even they don't warm my feet. But then, I'm not sure if it's my feet or heart that needs warming. Fredzgirl

Wow, John, you are an incredibly strong man to be able to deal with Krystal's decision to take her own life and then to share your story. I'm humbled. You may not have realized how sad she was at the time but you knew her heart and you loved her deeply when she was alive and still love her now. It sounds like you understand why she did what she did and that you have been able to accept it because you loved her so much. Peace be with you.

John and Linda, Thank you both for the comforting words. I know that you both are dealing with your own grief and it is touching that you reached out to me.

Our last meaningful conversation was on 6/24/09. The next morning he called me from a routine Dr. visit and said he wasn't feeling good. I heard panic in his voice and tried to help him relax. We spoke 2-3 times in a short span of time and then I got a call from the hospital to come as soon as possible. Fred went into cardiac arrest. He was revived after 35 minutes or so but even after he was weaned from the respirator, he was never himself. He died 7/8/09. I've been doing pretty well since Thanksgiving but it seems I'm taking another dive. I'm not sure if I'm feeling worse because I can't sleep or I can't sleep so I'm feeling worse. I lay in that big King sized bed, using up only about 2 feet of it. I hug one of his pillows and reach my hand out to his other pillow. I want to think about him and see him in my mind. I think about his laughing so hard he was in tears or the way he wore his baseball caps. I want to experience these things again but it's too much and I break into tears and sobs and those oh so familiar sighs. As I'm writing this it's becoming clear to me why I'm having trouble. I operate some group homes and one of our client's passed away this week. She also arrested, was revived, went on a respirator, came off, went into hospice and died. I visited her and her family while they were in the hospital and hospice. I was there the about 5 hours before she died and heard her labored breathing and thought it sounded like Fred before he passed away. I was strong for this woman's family and wanted to be with them because I knew how hard it would be for them. So, I suppose that experience is playing a toll on me now, after the fact. I do want to mention something that happened while I was reliving this scenario with my client and her family. When Fred was moved to the hospital's hospice unit he died just four hours later. I was pretty much convinced that the extra morphine and the patch they put on his chest hastened his death. I felt guilty that I had made the final decision to go the hospice route. When my client was moved to hospice, I expected her to die quicky as well. She didn't. She kept breathing for about four days. I felt some relief from the guilt. So that's my story and here I am at 2:45 a.m. in front of my compture screen again. But the tears has stopped for now and I'll try to find some sleep again. - Fredzgirl

Fred was the cook in our home too. I've been cooking now since he is gone. I prefer it to going out and eating alone and I'm trying to eat healthy. I still eat my share of frozen products though. At first when I started I couldn't find anything I needed in the kitchen. Now, 5 months later, I'm more familiar. I still feel like I'm using his pots and pans. And I really miss some of his specialties! Fredzgirl

I put out a few decorations today. I'm not going to decorate the big tree because I don't want to have to look at the ornaments and think of the stories behind them. I think next year will be better for that. As always, we each have to do what we have to do. I decided to spend Thanksgiving alone even though I was invited to celebrate with my son's family and my daughter's. At the end of the day, I knew I did the right thing and I've been doing better since that day. Missing Fred .... Fredzgirl

I'm not sure when or where the picture of Fred and me was taken. Probably at a local restaurant within the past year. My daughter took it and I first saw it at Fred's memorial service in a slide show the kids put together. I love it because of the sweet kiss and I was laughing. Fred really made me happy. I ran across a couple of video's this week and he was being silly and I was laughing as I held the camera. I miss him so much. - Fredzgirl

Hello PK, I'm Fredzgirl. Fred died 4 months ago. About six weeks ago I had two closely spaced dreams of him and nothing since. I haven't recalled any dreams for quite awhile. I loved seeing Fred in my dreams and wonder if I went to bed earlier or later would make a difference in my dreaming and recollection. Maybe I'll experiment. I'm very sorry for your loss. My heart aches wheneve I see a new person on this site because I know how painful it is to have lost a spouse of S.O. Take care, Fredzgirl

Hi there Mrs B, It hasn't happend to me yet but my sister told me that something similar happened to her. It was about four months after her husband's passing. She woke up one morning and started crying and just couldn't stop. Her daughter actually took her to the Emergency Room. They gave her some short term anti-anxiety meds and she snapped back quickly. Oh, I'm hoping I'm not in for a Blue Day but glad you got through yours. Fredzgirl

I never heard that song before. I googled "blue sky blues ryan adams lyrics" and a link popped up that played the song. Very haunting, that music. I don't think anyone can fight our own blues, it's something we have to do for ourselves. I do believe that we can gather tools from others in order to do that. My tools were posting on this group and reading it, staying in close contact with friends and family and reading books on grief. I started focusing on the good times Fred and I had in the context of happiness rather than sadness. Those things have eased my blues but certainly not taken them away. I noticed that when I'm saddest now, it's not so much because Fred died but because I feel sorry for myself who now has to live without him. After four months, I'm trying to work on making a life for myself without Fred as an active participant but as ... i don't know ... maybe a good luck charm, a totem or something like that. Thank you for sharing your song. Fredzgirl

Hello Steely, Yes the day the Death Certificate arrives is a tough one. I had Fred's laying out on the counter for a long time. Everytime I passed by it I would just have to look at it to confirm that he was really gone. Then I would fall apart. I did the same the the obituary from the paper. It just doesn't seem possible that our loved ones can be so alive one minute and then just physically gone. It hurts incredibly. Fred passed away four months ago. My life continues and sometimes I'm a participant and sometimes I'm not. So far, the pain hasn't gone away but it has burrowed deeper under the surface. At times I'll experience something and the pain will just slap me in the face again and then it subsides. It's much easier to live with now than it was the first 10 weeks. I think you are most vulnerable now as the shock wears off and reality sets in. Hold your love for Harold close to you, it will make you stronger; reach out for support from family and friends (this group included) when you need it. Warm thoughts, Fredzgirl

This is just a sweet little story. It brought tears to my eyes when I heard it and the tears are flowing as I tell you about it. Today my daugher told me that she was outside on the swings with her 4-year old son. He was asking about Papa Freddie and wondering just how long it took Papa to get to heaven. His Mom told him that she thought it was pretty fast. To keep the dialogue open she told him that she missed Papa Freddie too. Travis responded with, "Papa Freddie made me eggs." When Travis spent the night with me and Fred once, Travis remarked, in third person, as little one do,"Travis likes eggs." From then on Fred always offered him eggs for breakfast and Fred and I would always look at each other and say, "Travis likes eggs." It makes me so sad to know that there won't be any more memories made with Travis and Papa Freddie. He was a great Papa.

I hope someone comes up with some ideas for the holidays. I don't have any. I wish I could just skip them. Thanksgiving will be hardest for me I think. Fred was the cook in our home but on Thanksgiving he left it up to me. Even so, he was in the kitchen, offering help, checking out the progress and giving advice. My children have their own families, their Father usually invited them to his home, and they have in-laws to entertain. I would really just like them to go on and leave me out of it. But I don't think they will. They won't want me to be alone. Fred was Jewish and I was raised Christian. The first year we were together he wouldn't have anything to do with the Christmas tree. But every year after, he was buying ornaments and later putting the lights on the tree with me! We had a menorah as well. Oh, last year he bought a train to put around the tree! But Christmas won't be as hard. Christmas is for children and I'll enjoy being around my grandkids. Can we just skip Thanksgiving??? Fredzgirl

How unfair! You shouldn't have to be worrying about things like this right now. I read your topic "Tired of Making Decisions" and could relate to that. The decisions that I face are nothing compared to yours. But, I do miss sharing the responsibility of decisions with Fred. I probably made most of the decisions anyway but he was there so I could bounce things off of him and I trusted his judgement. His shoulders were broad and he would always take responsibility for bad decisions I made or at least assure me that it was the right decision when I made it. Now, I have to shoulder them all myself and it's stressful. I miss his guidance and I miss him.

Dear Linda, Fred and I never married either. When I "check the box" I am checking "divorced" because I was married prior to meeting Fred. In my heart, I'm a widow. There was a lot of discussion among my children and Fred's when Fred died four months ago. The conclusion was and is that we were family no matter how the courts saw it. Our grief has nothing to do with titles. For the first three months, I could hardly get through a Wednesday (he died on a Wednesday) and Sunday nights for some reason were very tough. After four months, it's a little easier. Unfortunately we all process this grief differently and there is no guarantee that you will feel better at four months. But for me, I've worked on changing my feeling of loss into something else. Now, I focus on his love surrounding me and how my life was so improved by the time I spent with him. I still cry now again, usually it's self-pity. I don't miss him so much because he's just here with me. It's different but good. Hope you are feeling better today. Fredzgirl

I really wanted to join a support group. I got a notice from Hospice last month about a group near me. It said the meetings would be at the hospital but to call first to see if there would be a meeting that week. The phone number was the hospital's main number and I got shuffled around, transfered to automated services etc. I never did find out if the meeting was happening or in what room. The groups in this area are so specific as to age, loss etc, it's frustrating. So, I've just been making my own way, with the help of this group, through the process. I think it's great that some of you have found good support groups.

Wow ... I am such a better person for having Fred in my life. He taught me so many things. He always made the bed and it felt so good to get into it at night. I've kept that up. He taught me to be more accepting and that sometimes "it is what it is" and that's it! I always had such a need to change and control. He taught me that we eat with our eyes and to always make the plate attractive and colorful. Hmm, maybe he was too good at that and that's why I'm struggling to lose this weight! He taught me that being in love doesn't have to mean losing yourself in the relationship. Many people have told me that it will be hard for me to have another relationship after having Fred ... they are right.

I heard that compliment just last night. It was from Fred's cousin who I haven't seen since the funeral. I was under a lot of stress with Fred's failing health. I've lost weight since then (on purpose) and I sleep more. I think I probably do look better. And, although I still have periods of deep saddness, most of the time I feel ok and and feel Fred's love around and within me. Most people mean well. I don't think they are trying to discount our grief by telling us we look good. Still, sometimes I feel unloveable and unattractive too and I don't want to hear anyone telling me any different.

Fred has been gone nearly 4 months. Yes, it's not fair. I find myself feeling sorry for myself. I was forced to reframe my life after my divorce when I was 45 and now again after losing Fred at 59. I don't know if I have the energy for it and I don't know how to live on my own. Oh, the day to day stuff is easy. I can pay bills, bring in enough income, do maintenance on the house .... It's learning how to cope without having someone to help me find where I put my keys, to share a funny story, to do a crossword with, and on and on and on. It's not fair. And if he could speak for himself, he would say it wasn't fair to him either. He loved life. He looked forward to seeing his grandchildren grow, to see his sons continued success in their business, to keeping up with old friends, being there for his old dog and growing old with me. None of it fair. Fred would say, "It is what it is." And it is.

Linda, I'm glad you joined this site too and sad that you lost Brian. Fred has been gone three months and I joined this site two weeks after his death. You will go through ups and downs and your emotions will most likely be all over the place. No matter how you are feeling, you'll find others here that have had similar feelings and experiences. You are so lucky to have found that song! I just about tore the house up trying to find some treasure like that. I did find some unsent greeting cards that I knew he picked out for me. That was nice. Take care, Fredzgirl

I've felt those words. I find that I'm such a kind person to everyone but my significant other. But Fred understood me and he would always say, "I don't take it personally." That's good because I didn't mean to personally attack him. I felt safe with Fred, safe enough to be mean sometimes and know that he would still love me. How great is that! If I got agitated with him, he knew I needed space and would go watch t.v. or read a book. As soon as I could breathe again, I knew that I wasn't angry at him but something else. I don't think I'll ever be so lucky to find a love like that again.

Dear Linda, I'm so sorry that you lost your love ... and so suddenly. I'm glad that you have a support system around you and now you have us too. I think that helps a lot. Still, there will be times that you may feel alone in spite of having others around you. And no one has any idea what you are going through unless they have lost a love as well. As you read the posts here you'll see that everyone grieves differently. But I found that I've never posted anything on here without someone else having a similar experience. That has helped me feel less alone with my grief. - Fredzgirl