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katptrsn

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Everything posted by katptrsn

  1. My heart and prayers go out to you. And a {{{{{{hug}}}}} too. Sue
  2. Hi, I knew someone who went through this very thing and this is what they did: In this instance, there was a box full of mementos from her mom's first marriage that had nothing to do with my friend at all, but also had some things from an older sister that had died 11 years before she was ever born and her mom had asked her to take these things after she died and keep them "safe and sound". My friend really didn't want this, but like you was respectful and quietly agreed. When her Mom passed, she simply took the box and they made a small bonfire and gathered up as many of the ashes as they could and then scattered them on her moms grave. Just an idea. Good luck!
  3. I am so very sorry for your loss. I just lost my older brother on July 7, 2009. He was 49 and died suddenly and without warning from an untreated, bleeding, stomach ulcer. He simply got up and walked into his bathroom and died. He left 5 boys behind. To say that we are still in shock is an understatement. We had been estranged for 10 years and through facebook had just started mending our relationship in Feb. It does indeed, suck. I wish for you peace and love. Sue
  4. First of all, please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your brother. Whether it was yesterday or 10 years ago matters not...I wish for you peace and love and serenity. I just lost my older brother on July 7, 2009. He was 49 and died suddenly and without warning from an untreated, bleeding, stomach ulcer. He simply got up and walked into his bathroom and died. He left 5 boys behind. To say that we are still in shock is an understatement. I wish I could tell you that there's an easy way out of the grief and all that goes along with it. My brother and I had a very difficult relationship for most of our lives, starting from childhood. We had been estranged for 10 years and had just found each other again and were working towards letting the past go when he was taken so suddenly. The feelings I have, run the gamut. Anger? Yes! Sadness, regret, disappointment that we couldn't get our acts together years ago? Yes! I think that all the things you are feeling have their place. There is no time limit on your grief, however, for your own inner growth and peace, learning to live without your brother here in the physical sense, is probably the best thing for you. You will never forget him and of course you wouldn't! But, ask yourself if he would want you to live in the perpetual pain that you are? Probably not. You deserve to be happy and to live your best life. Working through this and coming to a better place, where he is concerned, doesn't mean that you'll never think of him again or that it's time to move on!! It just means that you need to find a healthier way to let go of the negatives and embrace the positives your brother brought to your life. You say that your brother was a heroin addict. As a former vicodin addict, now 4 years sober, I can tell you that as much as we addicts love the people in our lives, nothing, and I mean nothing comes before our drug of choice. Your brother ate, slept and breathed this drug, trust me. This wasn't about choosing between it and you: there was no choice, in his mind, heroin was his life. What will help you, I think, is to understand this. He loved you very much, I am sure. But, ultimately his love for the drug and all the bad consequences that come out of that, overcame him. There was nothing you could do. You didn't cause it; You couldn't cure it; And you couldn't control it. Stop blaming yourself. And being angry at your brother for choosing heroin will only bring you more pain and suffering. Let it go. He loved you, but he was sick. You were a wonderful, kind, compassionate and caring sibling, but your role in this life was not to be his keeper then, or now. He is at peace, finally; now how about you? It sounds as though maybe your current therapist may not be the right match for you. Please believe me when I say that you can grieve as long as you want for your brother. I lost my mom suddenly to cancer 12 years ago and there are times when I bawl like a baby for her. But, it has its place now. I have to live my life. She would definitely want this for me and I deserve that. I carry her with me forever in my heart. I can even allow myself to have those moments when I miss her so much I can't breathe! But they're moments. They have to be. You also mentioned that your other siblings don't or can't have a relationship with you. I would bet they are going through their own personal hell concerning all of this and try to understand that they can't be there for you right now or maybe ever, but that you need to find the strength and the love to help yourself right now. Be kind to you. Love and nurture yourself right now. I understand how you feel. When my Mom died, I was desperately looking for a replacement for her! I tried my sister-in-laws, my friends, even strangers! I was shot down every time. No one will ever take her place and no one should. I needed to find happiness and love and strength within myself, not from outside sources. Yes, of course we need comfort and support and that's perfectly normal. But there's a fine line that separates that from wanting others to fulfill that role your brother did in your life. This is where a really good grief therapist can help you. Find someone who specializes in grief and co-dependent relationships. I bet you'll find that you will be able to let go of the sadness and anger that's keeping you from honoring your brother's life with love, acceptance and peace. And you're not an only child. You have a brother who you will always love and will always love you and is now your guardian angel, forever! I'll keep you in my heart and prayers. Hang in there. Sue
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