floridagirl

I'm new to the forum and I want to let you know what's happening with me: In January 2005, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. After 4.5 years, the cancer had spread to her liver, vertebrae, and finally to her brain. She died on June 23, 2009. Our family was given a gift from an organization called Libby's Legacy, a group that gives free Alaska cruises to families of women with stage 4 breast cancer. We took our cruise May 31-June 6, 2009. While we were gone, my paternal grandmother died. After we returned from the cruise, my father went to New York for the burial. At the same time, my mother received news that she has lesions on her brain and would have to have full-brain radiation. After receiving that news my mother began to decline physically and mentally. I had to return to Kansas, where I live now. My mother's childhood friend came to take care of her while my father was away. During that period, my mother entered the hospital. She died two days later and just six hours before my father returned home. Her childhood friend was in the room with her. I went home as soon as I got the news and was able to stay for two and half weeks but again I had to return to my job in Kansas. Part of what is difficult is that my father and sister, who is 20, are very emotionally closed-off. My 13 year-old brother, however, was very close with my mother and is much more emotional and outwardly loving than they are. When I was home for the cruise, my mom asked me if I would move home to take care of my brother because she was worried that he wouldn't get the nurturing care he needs. I never answered her, but I didn't say no, either. I understand her concern because I also had/have the same worry. I just can't bear the thought of returning to my hometown, living with my family, and working an unfulfilling job or being unemployed. I'm 23 and just beginning on a career path I'm passionate about, and my mother realized this and supported me, but she explicitly said, "I know this will mean putting your life on hold for a while, but will you..." She also was careful to note that I was under no obligation to say yes. I try to keep in touch with my family. It's only been 2 weeks since I came back here, and I haven't really spoken to my sister and father, but I have talked to my brother a few times. I don't know what to say to them. It's like there aren't any words in my mind to share with them. This is the first time I've told anyone what my mom asked me to do. I was holding it in because people (like my maternal grandmother) have said things like, "I know your mom would have wanted to you stay in Kansas." But I know this is the exact opposite of what she wanted! So I guess my question is, can I in good faith honor my mother's wishes? I really want to take care of my brother, but I really don't want to give up my life here. Can I ignore the request of my dying mother because it doesn't correspond to my own desires?

I also have been dreaming about my mom. She was sick for a long time, but for me, the dreams don't seem to include her illness. While she was still alive, I dreamed about her illness and imminent death, but now I don't. I remember most of my dreams but these are much more fleeting. I like the idea that my dreams are a way of processing what I'm not thinking about during the day at work, with friends, etc. She died just over a month ago (it hardly seems that long ago, but also seems like so much time has passed) and to some extent I have to go about my day without constantly thinking about this monumental loss. If these dreams help me to work through my emotions, then I'm all for it. Do you ever wake up upset about the dream? I haven't experienced that yet, when I dreamed about her during the anticipatory grief, I definitely did.