I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Markay. I have two deposits in heaven. My infant son,Noah,died 28yrs ago to SIDS. He was 7weeks old and my oldest son,Jon,died June 29,09. Though my children died from different causes, as a grieving mother, I can say that I'm here for you and praying for you.In my journey through grief, I've read many stories,such as yours,that bring back so vividly,Noah's death. He had just had his 6 week checkup and was healthy. I had to have an emergency C-Section with him. He weighed 9lbs.7oz.at birth. A week later,my husband got up to go to work and found him dead. I too was breast feeding and I remember the physical pain from being gorged and the horror of walking into the OB/GYN office and seeing all the pregnant women while I was there to get something to dry up my milk because my baby had died.I even remember thinking, the last time I saw the DR he was my OB and he was happily making wagers with the other DR about how much my baby would weigh.Now there I was sitting in the waiting room and he was now my GYN. I didn't plan it but I got pregnant with my son,Jason right away. Jason could have had the same birthday as Noah if I had wanted it because I was having a planned C-section. It was very difficult having a subsequent child right away.I had had a miscarriage before Noah, and all the time I was pregnant I thought,"if I can just carry this baby to term,everything will be ok". Then when I was pregnant with Jason, I thought the whole time "if this baby is a girl, It will be ok". I had so much fear that I would lose Jason too that I didn't bond with him properly. I learned why I wasn't close to him yrs later in counseling. Now we are close and even now, I wonder how much he would have looked like Jason. All of his milestones growing up were bittersweet because Noah never got them.
My oldest son, Jon, had Cerebral Palsy from complications at birth. He was in a wheelchair his whole life. He couldn't even feed himself. Jon had a good life. He made the best of it. He learned to type with a head stick and he touched many lives. Taught many people the meaning of patience. He died at the age of 37 from a choking accident. He went to lunch with someone from his group home and his heart was stopped for 9 minutes. They got him breathing again but he was brain-dead and we had to make the decision to let him go. I know they are in a better place and I will see them again. Each day is one day closer to that reunion. I'm sorry for the length of this but I guess deep down inside I was qualifying myself to let you know, we are in this group that no parent ever wants to be in but through reading and sharing and praying for each other, we will get through the pain. I spend a great deal of my evenings in another group that was recommended to me. Legacy,com Loss of a Child. I check back here to see if any new parents may need some support. Hugs of Hope. Kathy