Mrs. B

Marty, The empty seat beside me happened many times the first months after ricks death and was very hard. Attending his daughter grade 12 grad, my best friends daughters wedding, and his nephews wedding. All events had a seat empty beside me. I thought i got over that syndrome but yesterday my sisters did it to me and i actually had a cry about it. I dont know maybe i overreacted. We were talking for the last year about having a sisters getaway to a island or cruise. I was actually excited about it. So the past weekend my sister in calgary and my sister in london found a good vacation package and booked their trip and called my other sister and she booked yesterday and she called me last night to tell me about it.Had to book by midnight and it already was 9oclock. I was upset because the spouses were going also which was not originallly in the plan but hey no big deal. i had to get a room by myself which would be more expenive $500 more plus the tax free offer was done. So it was going to be 700 more after midnight then theirs because i didnt have someone to go with. Specially in that short of notice. Trips not to Feb. but offer was done as midnight. Needless to say Im not going. I will save my vacation time for the summer when my daughter and grandson comes home and spend it with them. My sister says we will still do it but maybe in another year or so. I felt very hurt from all this. My family is usually pretty good about everything. Guess its to be expected though when i dont have a significant other to go with. Didnt even give me time to see if i could find someone to room with. thanks for letting me vent. Mrs. B

Kay, What Mary says is so true. At 2 1/2 years i still have blue days. But believe it or not things will change . I to am now use to Ricks absence. Its still lonely at nights with him here not to talk to but I am kinda use to it now. My son is moving back home and now I will have to get use to someone else here which i dont mind at all. I did lots of projects after to keep me busy but the back yard is one i put off and hadnt touched it for two years and it looked like it. My gardener left me and i didnt care. Well i finally got the gumption and tackled it. Sore back and it looking 100 percent better probably not up to ricks standards but done i was quite proud of myself. Thing is my friends said to me that Rick was right there helping me along with ideas. That made me feel good. Take each day as it is given to you. Some you will want to scream and throw things and others you will be proud of yourself for what ever reason. Pat yourself on the back. Take care .Mrs. B

I woke up Sunday morning mad at the world. Saturday night i went to a dinner party that consists of my grief group. Even though we dont get together for sessions anymore we do get together for socializing every other month at someones house. Its quite nice actually. This week it was at one of the fellows that lost his wife two years ago. It was a little over a year after he lost his wife and he remarried. Not that i dont think that is ok cause the fit together perfectly. You can tell they are so in love.I just wanted my old life back waking up with Rick and our sunday routine . So sunday morning maybe i was feeling sorry for my self of just plain blue but i put it on my facebook status. My friends made me open my eyes that i was doing ok and if i hadnt had the last two years i would have no beautiful grandsons and another grand baby on the way in March. Here is how the conversation went. Mrs.B wishing that the last two years was just a dream and I could wake up anytime now. Like · · Sunday at 9:45pm via mobileLou, Robin and 2 others like this. Vicki What with that, if that was the case you would have Sid.Sunday at 10:00pm · LikeMrs.B Yes u are right vicki. there has been many good things in the last fwo years also. I tend to forget.Sunday at 10:58pm · Like · 1 personRobin Must be your age..forgetting..Sunday at 11:38pm · Like · 1 personMatthewThen there would be no Max.Yesterday at 6:05am · LikeVicki ya what was she thinking No Wed suppers with girls, wouldn't have a new car or new couch, no road trip s....etc!!!!! Yesterday My best friend inboxed me a message and she hit the nail on the head . Does anybody else go through this feeling blue or sorry for themselves? Vicki Are you feeling sorry for yourself. or are just down in the blue. [*] How well my good friend knows me. She even came over to the house to ask me what was going on with me. I told her i was over it and it was just a sunday morning blue. Thanks for letting me do some venting. Mrs. B [*] [*]

Hi all , I just wanted to tell you about my Birthday. It was a good day, lots of wishes and to top it of my spouses parents which have not been to my house since he passed away 2 years ago stopped in.I visit them often. She does not even call me i do the calling. His mom brought me a card and a present and i asked them to come in but they sat outside by my pond. I was so happy even it was for a short period of time that they stayed. I realize that it has been hard for them . When they left i cried. Why, really i don't know. My kids keep wondering why i even bother with them. That s because that is the way i am. They were his parents. I have invited them but they have always declined but i know its cause he passed in the house. So maybe its a start and they will come more often if not that's ok to. Have a good day all. Mrs. B.

Hi Becky, I am feeling that what you speak off. I'm going on 2 1/2 years almost without Rick. Weekends are the hardest cause we would bbq and have drinks play darts and just sit out by the pond and talk. Sundays would be breakfast and sunday car ride. Its hard for me on a Friday night to come home. Just not the same having a drink on your own. We would often joke about hardly waiting for the kids to be gone so we could do what we wanted. Now I wish they were her but they have their own lives to live.My grief group was a good bunch and we quit just after Christmas but we get together for supper every other month the ones who can make it. I look forward to it but at the same time it reminds me of a sad time in my life. My kids are far away but they call me alot and i skype with my daughter alot to . A day dosent go by that i don't talk to her and now that my grandson is starting to talk I have brief conversations with him. what i can understand. lol I have a girlfriend that after rick passed away we get together every wed either at her or my house and we cook for each other and it something different every time. We even have started a bucket list of things we want to do and we have made and bottled wine , did some road trips seen plays. Not the same as with your spouse but it better then staying home.Been doing this 2 years now. I have friend time to but my friends that were here often don't come as much because her husband was best friends with rick and i think he finds it very hard to come here. I miss that so much. I try to get us all together by having little get together s. Ive hosted a brunch had a international dinner party.This weekend coming i am having a black and white cocktail party. Dress up black and white and bring a hor durve and cocktail and everyone is coming. I love have people here. I miss Rick big time but i know that feeling sorry for my self isnt going to make it go away so i do the best i can. Its hard. You will be fine. In time you will find what makes you happy. Take care. Mrs.B

Thank you all for your kind words. I ending up have just a glass of wine not the whole bottle. Lol The stories were so moving and tears flowed. Not sad ones though. My niece wrote of when she needed a dad to skate with her for the father daughter number and he volunteered. The first night practice he fell hard and she remembered how it must of hurt. She was so happy that he did it with her so she got to enjoy the skate with her friends and not have to sit it out. My sister say he was her knight in shining Armour cause he was always rescuing her whether it was when she locked her keys in the car or car trouble or house troubles with water floods. My girlfriends husband and him were great buddies . Camping memories. Halloween pranks. All and all from the stories of their best memories they to all will miss him . Mrs.B

Hi all, Well today is Ricks Birthday and it will be two years that he has been gone. He would have been 54. I had all my family and friends write a favorite memory of Rick in a journal just months after he passed away. I tucked it away and i was going to read it when i felt like i could do it. Tonight is the night I think. I'm going to sit down later with a bottle of wine and read each one. Hopefully there will not be to many sad tears but tears of happiness because they were good times and memories. Mrs.B

Hi, My situation was a little different. My mom and dad just live a few blocks away and walk to my house every day . Even in the winter, Rick use to find it an inconvience when they stopped in or when his parents stopped in. I loved it. I told him to enjoy it because one day they would not be here and then he would regret it. Little did I know that i would be Rick leaving us and our parents missing him. Mrs.B

Hi, Yes I do feel exhausted. The first year I just kept doing things so to keep my mind numb. I went went went. Mind you I had no trouble sleeping but getting out of bed i just want to stay sleeping. I get up cause i know i have to go to work. I seem to wait until the last possible moment to get ready. I want to stay asleep cause i hope i will dream of him or that maybe when i wake up that it was all a dream. I know that that is not being rational. I can hardly wait to get home after work. When I come home from work I just want to sit and do nothing now. Then before I know it is my bedtime. Sometimes I need to go to the store and just the thought of going out again after I am home is overwhelming. But now that its getting nicer weather I have to go outside and start doing the outdoorsy stuff. Grief is exhausting. It is work.... Mrs.B

Cheryl, Thats it. You have put it in perspective for me . Fear. The future being unsure. Thank you everybody. It makes me look differently at it now. Mrs.B

Oh thank you Kat for your reply.

Hi , I have been doing some renovations on my 100 year plus old house that Rick was going to do all the years we were together but kept putting it off cause he said it didn't make money and was on the bottom of his list. They were jobs he started and never finished. So one room would be half done and another need moldings, bathroom tiles replaced and on and on. Well I have hired someone to do all those unfinished projects that I could not do and i feel sooo guilty for spending the money cause it is supposed to be for my retirement. It was what was left over from his life insurance after all our debts and funeral expenses were paid. I'm only 52. My pay check just covers my monthly expenses and I dont have extra to put in the savings. But i wanted to have it done. Mind you when i helped out my son with his rent cause he was going to school and had hard time meeting ends that was easy to loan to him on several occasions. He is finished school and i know once he is back on his feet he will pay me back. Its the things that i had done in the home. It looks nice now and im happy with it but why do i have this guilt thing going on. It was the same when I got the car. But i needed something reliable and the vehicle we had together definitely wasn't. I know when the kids were little and things were tight they came first and i never got myself anything new. Im just by myself now and I feel guilty guilty guilty. My stomach is in knots about it. My parents say it has added to the home if and when i decide to sell it and this will be my retirement savings. Has anyone else had this type of feeling or am I just a little loony. Look forward to any replies. Mrs.B

Hello, I am sending hugs to you as i couldn't even imagine going through losing a loved one not once but twice in a lifetime. I am into my second year and it seems to be harder to like my counselor said it might. Mfh, you are right about not getting over it but getting through it. The first year was a blur because I just didn't stop. Had to keep myself busy. The yard had to be done this and that had to be done. In reality who cared. It was cause my spouse had done it all the time and i didn't want it to look unkept. My son kept telling me mom you dont have to do anything but I did. Now that I have slowed down i find it harder cause i stop and think more often of him not being here and I miss him. His company at night, our talks or arguments, all in good fun just different of opinion. I was watching the Final Episode of Lost the other day with my son and seen it before but this time i cried. They said that they didn't leave us they just moved on. It kinda hit me like yeah he has. I'm going to be 53 this year. I'm now afraid that i am going to lose my parents which i know i am but just terrified of it cause they are here for me now. I go out to the cemetery quite a bit, Why , just because. I get anxious feeling now and then and crying spells to. Im lucky cause i do have children even if they are not close by and my parents. His parents kinda just faded out of my life. I still go see them at least once a month. With summer coming i will miss our drives and bbq nights . I drive more places then i did before , took up guitar lessons, done some remodeling on my house that never got finished. The pain eases but the lonliness is there still. Take care Mrs. B

Hi Chris, I don't hate Sundays but I do find them hard. It was the day we slept in , made our Sunday morning breakfast and then went for a car ride. Flying alone is no big deal to me. Might sound weird but i was visiting my newborn grandson . My spouse was home and when i did not get a hold of him for a couple of days i knew there was a problem. He always returned my calls. He had passed away. I had to fly home myself and I remember looking out the window and thinking to myself that this was the closes i would be to him again. Then i was afraid to fly back for another visit because I was thinking something else bad would happen to someone i loved when i was away but that was just being paranoid and i could not be that way if i wanted to see that precious baby . So every time i fly i just look up and think to myself that Rick is around in those clouds. This picture is our last car ride taken the weekend before i left. I have it framed in my bedroom. Good for taking the trip by your self. It will be hard but does get easier each time you do something beyond your comfort zone. And you will feel proud of yourself for doing it. Mrs.B