Mrs. B

Marty, The empty seat beside me happened many times the first months after ricks death and was very hard. Attending his daughter grade 12 grad, my best friends daughters wedding, and his nephews wedding. All events had a seat empty beside me. I thought i got over that syndrome but yesterday my sisters did it to me and i actually had a cry about it. I dont know maybe i overreacted. We were talking for the last year about having a sisters getaway to a island or cruise. I was actually excited about it. So the past weekend my sister in calgary and my sister in london found a good vacation package and booked their trip and called my other sister and she booked yesterday and she called me last night to tell me about it.Had to book by midnight and it already was 9oclock. I was upset because the spouses were going also which was not originallly in the plan but hey no big deal. i had to get a room by myself which would be more expenive $500 more plus the tax free offer was done. So it was going to be 700 more after midnight then theirs because i didnt have someone to go with. Specially in that short of notice. Trips not to Feb. but offer was done as midnight. Needless to say Im not going. I will save my vacation time for the summer when my daughter and grandson comes home and spend it with them. My sister says we will still do it but maybe in another year or so. I felt very hurt from all this. My family is usually pretty good about everything. Guess its to be expected though when i dont have a significant other to go with. Didnt even give me time to see if i could find someone to room with. thanks for letting me vent. Mrs. B

Kay, What Mary says is so true. At 2 1/2 years i still have blue days. But believe it or not things will change . I to am now use to Ricks absence. Its still lonely at nights with him here not to talk to but I am kinda use to it now. My son is moving back home and now I will have to get use to someone else here which i dont mind at all. I did lots of projects after to keep me busy but the back yard is one i put off and hadnt touched it for two years and it looked like it. My gardener left me and i didnt care. Well i finally got the gumption and tackled it. Sore back and it looking 100 percent better probably not up to ricks standards but done i was quite proud of myself. Thing is my friends said to me that Rick was right there helping me along with ideas. That made me feel good. Take each day as it is given to you. Some you will want to scream and throw things and others you will be proud of yourself for what ever reason. Pat yourself on the back. Take care .Mrs. B

I woke up Sunday morning mad at the world. Saturday night i went to a dinner party that consists of my grief group. Even though we dont get together for sessions anymore we do get together for socializing every other month at someones house. Its quite nice actually. This week it was at one of the fellows that lost his wife two years ago. It was a little over a year after he lost his wife and he remarried. Not that i dont think that is ok cause the fit together perfectly. You can tell they are so in love.I just wanted my old life back waking up with Rick and our sunday routine . So sunday morning maybe i was feeling sorry for my self of just plain blue but i put it on my facebook status. My friends made me open my eyes that i was doing ok and if i hadnt had the last two years i would have no beautiful grandsons and another grand baby on the way in March. Here is how the conversation went. Mrs.B wishing that the last two years was just a dream and I could wake up anytime now. Like · · Sunday at 9:45pm via mobileLou, Robin and 2 others like this. Vicki What with that, if that was the case you would have Sid.Sunday at 10:00pm · LikeMrs.B Yes u are right vicki. there has been many good things in the last fwo years also. I tend to forget.Sunday at 10:58pm · Like · 1 personRobin Must be your age..forgetting..Sunday at 11:38pm · Like · 1 personMatthewThen there would be no Max.Yesterday at 6:05am · LikeVicki ya what was she thinking No Wed suppers with girls, wouldn't have a new car or new couch, no road trip s....etc!!!!! Yesterday My best friend inboxed me a message and she hit the nail on the head . Does anybody else go through this feeling blue or sorry for themselves? Vicki Are you feeling sorry for yourself. or are just down in the blue. [*] How well my good friend knows me. She even came over to the house to ask me what was going on with me. I told her i was over it and it was just a sunday morning blue. Thanks for letting me do some venting. Mrs. B [*] [*]

Hi all , I just wanted to tell you about my Birthday. It was a good day, lots of wishes and to top it of my spouses parents which have not been to my house since he passed away 2 years ago stopped in.I visit them often. She does not even call me i do the calling. His mom brought me a card and a present and i asked them to come in but they sat outside by my pond. I was so happy even it was for a short period of time that they stayed. I realize that it has been hard for them . When they left i cried. Why, really i don't know. My kids keep wondering why i even bother with them. That s because that is the way i am. They were his parents. I have invited them but they have always declined but i know its cause he passed in the house. So maybe its a start and they will come more often if not that's ok to. Have a good day all. Mrs. B.

Hi Becky, I am feeling that what you speak off. I'm going on 2 1/2 years almost without Rick. Weekends are the hardest cause we would bbq and have drinks play darts and just sit out by the pond and talk. Sundays would be breakfast and sunday car ride. Its hard for me on a Friday night to come home. Just not the same having a drink on your own. We would often joke about hardly waiting for the kids to be gone so we could do what we wanted. Now I wish they were her but they have their own lives to live.My grief group was a good bunch and we quit just after Christmas but we get together for supper every other month the ones who can make it. I look forward to it but at the same time it reminds me of a sad time in my life. My kids are far away but they call me alot and i skype with my daughter alot to . A day dosent go by that i don't talk to her and now that my grandson is starting to talk I have brief conversations with him. what i can understand. lol I have a girlfriend that after rick passed away we get together every wed either at her or my house and we cook for each other and it something different every time. We even have started a bucket list of things we want to do and we have made and bottled wine , did some road trips seen plays. Not the same as with your spouse but it better then staying home.Been doing this 2 years now. I have friend time to but my friends that were here often don't come as much because her husband was best friends with rick and i think he finds it very hard to come here. I miss that so much. I try to get us all together by having little get together s. Ive hosted a brunch had a international dinner party.This weekend coming i am having a black and white cocktail party. Dress up black and white and bring a hor durve and cocktail and everyone is coming. I love have people here. I miss Rick big time but i know that feeling sorry for my self isnt going to make it go away so i do the best i can. Its hard. You will be fine. In time you will find what makes you happy. Take care. Mrs.B

Thank you all for your kind words. I ending up have just a glass of wine not the whole bottle. Lol The stories were so moving and tears flowed. Not sad ones though. My niece wrote of when she needed a dad to skate with her for the father daughter number and he volunteered. The first night practice he fell hard and she remembered how it must of hurt. She was so happy that he did it with her so she got to enjoy the skate with her friends and not have to sit it out. My sister say he was her knight in shining Armour cause he was always rescuing her whether it was when she locked her keys in the car or car trouble or house troubles with water floods. My girlfriends husband and him were great buddies . Camping memories. Halloween pranks. All and all from the stories of their best memories they to all will miss him . Mrs.B

Hi all, Well today is Ricks Birthday and it will be two years that he has been gone. He would have been 54. I had all my family and friends write a favorite memory of Rick in a journal just months after he passed away. I tucked it away and i was going to read it when i felt like i could do it. Tonight is the night I think. I'm going to sit down later with a bottle of wine and read each one. Hopefully there will not be to many sad tears but tears of happiness because they were good times and memories. Mrs.B

Hi, My situation was a little different. My mom and dad just live a few blocks away and walk to my house every day . Even in the winter, Rick use to find it an inconvience when they stopped in or when his parents stopped in. I loved it. I told him to enjoy it because one day they would not be here and then he would regret it. Little did I know that i would be Rick leaving us and our parents missing him. Mrs.B

Hi, Yes I do feel exhausted. The first year I just kept doing things so to keep my mind numb. I went went went. Mind you I had no trouble sleeping but getting out of bed i just want to stay sleeping. I get up cause i know i have to go to work. I seem to wait until the last possible moment to get ready. I want to stay asleep cause i hope i will dream of him or that maybe when i wake up that it was all a dream. I know that that is not being rational. I can hardly wait to get home after work. When I come home from work I just want to sit and do nothing now. Then before I know it is my bedtime. Sometimes I need to go to the store and just the thought of going out again after I am home is overwhelming. But now that its getting nicer weather I have to go outside and start doing the outdoorsy stuff. Grief is exhausting. It is work.... Mrs.B

Cheryl, Thats it. You have put it in perspective for me . Fear. The future being unsure. Thank you everybody. It makes me look differently at it now. Mrs.B

Oh thank you Kat for your reply.

Hi , I have been doing some renovations on my 100 year plus old house that Rick was going to do all the years we were together but kept putting it off cause he said it didn't make money and was on the bottom of his list. They were jobs he started and never finished. So one room would be half done and another need moldings, bathroom tiles replaced and on and on. Well I have hired someone to do all those unfinished projects that I could not do and i feel sooo guilty for spending the money cause it is supposed to be for my retirement. It was what was left over from his life insurance after all our debts and funeral expenses were paid. I'm only 52. My pay check just covers my monthly expenses and I dont have extra to put in the savings. But i wanted to have it done. Mind you when i helped out my son with his rent cause he was going to school and had hard time meeting ends that was easy to loan to him on several occasions. He is finished school and i know once he is back on his feet he will pay me back. Its the things that i had done in the home. It looks nice now and im happy with it but why do i have this guilt thing going on. It was the same when I got the car. But i needed something reliable and the vehicle we had together definitely wasn't. I know when the kids were little and things were tight they came first and i never got myself anything new. Im just by myself now and I feel guilty guilty guilty. My stomach is in knots about it. My parents say it has added to the home if and when i decide to sell it and this will be my retirement savings. Has anyone else had this type of feeling or am I just a little loony. Look forward to any replies. Mrs.B

Hello, I am sending hugs to you as i couldn't even imagine going through losing a loved one not once but twice in a lifetime. I am into my second year and it seems to be harder to like my counselor said it might. Mfh, you are right about not getting over it but getting through it. The first year was a blur because I just didn't stop. Had to keep myself busy. The yard had to be done this and that had to be done. In reality who cared. It was cause my spouse had done it all the time and i didn't want it to look unkept. My son kept telling me mom you dont have to do anything but I did. Now that I have slowed down i find it harder cause i stop and think more often of him not being here and I miss him. His company at night, our talks or arguments, all in good fun just different of opinion. I was watching the Final Episode of Lost the other day with my son and seen it before but this time i cried. They said that they didn't leave us they just moved on. It kinda hit me like yeah he has. I'm going to be 53 this year. I'm now afraid that i am going to lose my parents which i know i am but just terrified of it cause they are here for me now. I go out to the cemetery quite a bit, Why , just because. I get anxious feeling now and then and crying spells to. Im lucky cause i do have children even if they are not close by and my parents. His parents kinda just faded out of my life. I still go see them at least once a month. With summer coming i will miss our drives and bbq nights . I drive more places then i did before , took up guitar lessons, done some remodeling on my house that never got finished. The pain eases but the lonliness is there still. Take care Mrs. B

Hi Chris, I don't hate Sundays but I do find them hard. It was the day we slept in , made our Sunday morning breakfast and then went for a car ride. Flying alone is no big deal to me. Might sound weird but i was visiting my newborn grandson . My spouse was home and when i did not get a hold of him for a couple of days i knew there was a problem. He always returned my calls. He had passed away. I had to fly home myself and I remember looking out the window and thinking to myself that this was the closes i would be to him again. Then i was afraid to fly back for another visit because I was thinking something else bad would happen to someone i loved when i was away but that was just being paranoid and i could not be that way if i wanted to see that precious baby . So every time i fly i just look up and think to myself that Rick is around in those clouds. This picture is our last car ride taken the weekend before i left. I have it framed in my bedroom. Good for taking the trip by your self. It will be hard but does get easier each time you do something beyond your comfort zone. And you will feel proud of yourself for doing it. Mrs.B

Thank you.......

Hi all, Just dropped my son off at the train station for him to get back to school. He was on his reading week. It was a good visit and i was happy he came for a visit.I cried all the way home. Had some major anxiety . Wanted to stop at my parents but drove right on by to the cemetery. I miss Rick so much right now and it seems to be hitting me so hard. My chest hurts . Being home alone again sucks. I just wish he was here. I know wishing is not going to make it happen but i feel so angry right now. Two years on Sunday and I thought i was doing so well. We were looking forward to doing things and going places together after the kids all were gone, not me here myself. I thought i was done being mad a him for leaving but im reallly pissed at him right now. Just needed to vent. thanks mrs.b

Dear Teny, I know that feeling only to well. It will be two years that Rick passed away this March 6 and it is still hard. It seems this year its even harder because i have slowed down doing things around the house as i kept going going going so as not to have to think about him not here. We used to have friends get together for bbqs and dinners and it seemed they had grown away. So this weekend I am having an international potluck dinner . Everyone is coming and im pumped. Imagine that. You just have to ask and they are still there. Friends that is. I guess i distanced myself from them. It wont be the same but without Ricks dry sense of humor but we will have a good time. Only thing is Im hoping they dont find it to strange that i still have his coats and boots in the exact place he left them cause im still not ready to move them. I will on my time. take care. Mrs.B

I just want to thank everyone for their replies and Marty for the articles to read. It was good to hear from others that have the same thoughts. Hugs.... Mrs.B

Hi all, It will be 2 years in March that Rick has been gone. Seems like just yesterday i was writing to you about my loss and pain. I am doing ok. Still have my moments. I just wanted to ask everyone what they think about my answering machine message. My sisters think it is time for me to change it and i dont want to. Changing it means that it is the last of him here.It just says our names and to leave a message. I also have his coat and boots and hats right where he left them. I can not move them. I have gone on but those are the only things beside his pictures i have to feel him here. I know they think im weird for taking out coffee and a drink to him, He loved cesars. sometimes i leave the newspaper. He loved his paper to. For Christmas i took out the farmers almanac because that is what i got him every christmas. My daughter say what ever you want to do mom if it makes you feel better but my sister say i should stop. What do you all think. Mrs.B.

Yes, Laughter at the most strange moments do help. It will be 2 years in March that I lost Rick. We had some hard times but good times with laughter. Lots of times at my expense. 3 Years ago i shattered my ankle and had pins and plates put in it. I was home bound for 3 months and in a wheel chair. He would come home and take me outside on his lunch and bring me back in. He swore his arms were getting longer cause he had to pull me up a step. He said if i ever hurt myself like that again he would put me in a home to recoup. Well on Saturday something went pop behind my knee and the most excruciating pain i ever felt. I am off work . mom and dad were here to help me and out of the blue i said well maybe its a good thing rick isn't here to see this cause he was going to put me in a home this time. well we all started to laugh so hard. He was so tentative to me and i know he would of complained this time but he would have been kind to me in his own sarcastic way. Many times i will recall a time when he said something or did something to make me laugh and chuckle to myself. I even started writing some of the time down in a journal. I have a book that i gave my family and friends to write a time when rick made them laugh. I haven't read it yet but some night i will get the courage to sit down with it and read it slowly. Laughter yes is coming back and it feels good.

Marty,What a wonderful poem. Last night i attend my second Christmas memorial candle lighting service. I asked my mother in law if she would come with me and she said no but that was the answer that i expected but i though it would be nice for her to attend. But I am thankful that my mother came with me. It was hard but easier then last year. For that I am thankful. While the names of the remember were being called and each went up to light the candle a name came up that I hadn't heard from in years. It was a a best friend of mine that i had through public and high school. She was lighting a candle in memory of her husband and mother that she lost just before Christmas last year. I am thankful i still have my mother. Not to say that i am terrified of losing my parents because they have been my strength. As I went up to speak to her after the service she also thought it was me but wasn't sure. She has diabetes and can not drive any more. Has kidney dialysis 3 x a week and is on a donor list. I have my health for that i am thankful. But I am going to make it a priority to go visit this old friend and am thankful that she will be back in my life and i can call her friend. Again lovely poem. Thank you Mrs.B

Hi, I have issues with my in-laws as well. My spouse always was there for his parents at the drop of a hat. He would complain t me about it but i would say they are the only parents you have and they wont be here for ever. Little did i know that it would be him to leave us. His parents gave me a hard time with machinery that he had purchased with them and it was a big hassle getting it settled. They made it hard for me to see them but i went out . It was hard. Ackward at first. birthdays and holidays i make the trip. Not once have they come to see me and it has been a year and a half. Everyone says why bother but thats the way i am i have to. I even asked his mom and sister to a candle light memorial service at the end of the month and she said she would get back to me and as of yet hasn't. She probably wont but i asked. This will be the first Christmas also that i wont see them cause i am going to my daughters for two weeks and i feel good about it. My grandson is two and he will be a joy to watch . So I guess you do what is good for you and not worry about everyone else. Mrs.B.

Yesterday I woke up and looked out the window to a drizzly rainy morning. I didn't want to get out of bed. It was warm and I had nothing to do or to look forward to get up like I use to on a Sunday morning. I thought about how Rick and i used get up me making the coffee, him the eggs and bacon and me toast duty. I thought about how it use to be for all the kids and their friends and what fun it was having a house full. Then it was just me and him and now just me. I have a TV by my bed so i put in the dvd i made of rick. I watched it and you know it was the first time that I didn't cry. I had a feeling in my chest that felt good and i found myself smiling and remembering the memories that went with them. I think it means that I am healing. Dont get me wrong I still miss. But I was for the first time in a year and a half a little more at peace. So what I wanted to tell you is it takes time but the tears will stop but not the thoughts. They turn into happy memories. Do take care of yourself. Mrs. B

Hi Melina, I still wish for dreams. I had one but it was so long ago. Here is the link to the post I made about that dream and some post by other members and their dreams. Take care Mrs. B http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=5184&st=0&p=40830&fromsearch=1&#entry40830

I to know that feeling and i still think Rick will be walking through the door when I hear i close and its been a year and a half since he has gone. I still have his coats and boots and shoes in the coat area where he left them for the last time and there they will stay till i am ready if ever to move them. His hand lotion is still on top of the fridge. The laneway is emtpy now with no big machinery that he loved to use. His payloader for moving snow. Last winter every time i seen one go by the house my heart felt like it was in my throat. His Ford 150 truck he loved that i hated cause it had his special touch to drive it. The change of seasons are still hard for me. spring is when he did all his lawn business through till the fall then he waited patiently for it to snow. I miss him so much still. Does it get easier. Might not seem like it but yes it does. Take care of yourselves. One day and one step at a time. and yes it will feel like you are taking some big ones backwards but you will catch up. Mrs.B