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Carla Dee

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  • Date of Death
    3/4/09
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Serenity Hospice, Phoenix, AZ

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  1. It's been 6 long months since Mom has passed and I finally thought I was healing from this horrible rollercoaster ride.. Well, tonight is one of those nights that lets me know that I'm still riding one of the waves. This week moms house is going thru escrow.. Reality is sinking in that I won't be able to go there anymore.. I also realize that we had to sell the house because we no longer live there-it's just a big empty shell.. Funny, sometimes I feel the same way.. I think I'm strong but in times like this I feel real weak. However, I know I'm doing much better because in the beginning I just felt numb, angry and like the small child that would run to mom to make me feel better when I hurt.. I think the reason I'm scared now is knowing it is fianality and no going back.. I know this too is a bridge to my healing and it's a new stepping stone each and every day.. Not sure why I have come here to vent but it's nice knowing that we all have something in common and knowing that we won't be judged because it's been a while since mom has passed.. I agree with Kathy that this is a nice place to release! "A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl." Stephan Hoeller Thanks, Carla Dee
  2. Nikol, Glad to see you came back for a visit! I've been wondering how you are? How is your school work doing? I remember how hard it was those first few months. It was like someone had kicked me in the stomach and head over and over again.. One thing that really helped me was going back to work and being with my co-workers and friends. It seemed to help to take my mind off of the pain a little bit. School for you probably is helpful to you too in that way. I can't believe it has been 6 months since my mom has passed and it is still very hard some days but the days don't seem to be as rough as they were in the beginning. Funny, mom used to call me each and every day on my way home from work and she would ask where are you and wanting to know when I'd be home.. I miss those calls and I still wonder every once in a while if I could just get a call that would be nice- smile.. Even though mom isn't here I still feel her spirit with me each and every day. My brother said it beautifully "I have faith that she is always there for me, when I listen to my heartbeat, I know where it comes from. She is always there for all of us, just as she always was". We all grieve differently but having someone to lean on during those hard times seem to help a lot! Hang in there sweetie and hopefully you are doing a little better! Take cae, Carla
  3. Dear Kathy, First off I want to tell you how sorry I am to hear about your mom. My mom passed away in March of 2009 also and I remember those days that seemed to run into each other and how the tears just never seemed to stop. It's been almost six months and I still have those days but they don't seem so raw! Funny, moms house is going thru escrow as we speak and hopefully by next week it will be done. It's been rather challenging for me due to the fact that my husband and I lived with my Mom and Step Father the last years of their lives. My step father passed away four years ago and I agree with you it was easier when he passed because I had mom to lean on when I was feeling sad. I don't think there's a better shoulder to lean on then your own moms! I miss mom so much and even though it's been half of a year it still is hard.. I kind of describe it like a scab- just as soon as it starts healing something comes along and opens it up.. My daughter called yesterday on the way home from work and was crying because someone had mentioned using one of moms recipes in a cookbook they were making. Well, my daughter called me crying and then in turn there I went.. My brother wrote a letter about how he was feeling and then again... The house issue is a big thing but we are almost done with that so we will venture on from there. I can also relate to you about how everyone thinks you are doing well but on the inside I'm a mess.. I keep telling myself that I'll feel better. I have to tell myself it's One Day at a Time- Baby Steps.. Yes, this is a great place to vent and let your hair hang down.. I think it's nice just to talk to someone that has been thru similar situations.. Thanks, Carla
  4. Hi Deb and Annie, Speaking of Angels.. Just a few weeks after mom passed I was taking a shower and I looked over and seen a beautiful golden angel. I couldn't believe my eyes. I had taken many a shower in that room and never seen that angel. I called my husband in because I knew no one would believe me and he agreed that it was definitely there. I ran and got my camera and took a photo because mom would always encourage me to take photos to show everyone. I wanted you two to see in case you didn't see it in one of the other forum's here. We have since moved from that house but I know mom is still with me in spirit and will always be next to me.. Hope you enjoy.. Carla
  5. Deb, Sorry to hear about your Aunt.. It's times like these that bring back memories of your mom. I know one of my aunt by marriage just passed away too. I helped my cousins in their grieving process.. Mom was one out of 9 and now there is only 3 girls left. The oldest one is 93. I always thought my mom would have lived long like her mother but she passed just before she turned 80. She was still very young even though she was sick. In talking with the hospice nurse she said it was a common thing that people see and that it is part of the process. Mom also talked as though she had spoke with her mom and many of the others that have passed. The hospice nurse also said that was common. After taking care of both of my parents at home I do feel that hopefully when the time comes I will get to see them on the other side.. I'm sure your aunt had many people with her as she passed also and you shouldn't feel bad because you weren't there... We do what we have to and that's just how it is.. Hope you are having a great day and it's always nice to hear from you. Carla
  6. Dear Annie and Deb, Wow, we all have sooooo much in common it isn't funny.. Deb, I have a brother named John too isn't that a hoot... Annie, I do know what you mean about writing and talking about all of this makes it seem a little easier.. I remember those first few months I walked around numb and feeling like someone beat the crud out of me.. Thank goodness I have a lot of family and friend support.. I also have a wonderful job that allowed me to stay home with mom pretty much the last two months of her life. That was the best used vacation I ever had.. Not that it was paradise but I wouldn't change being able to spend all of that time with her. We lived in the same house so I didn't have to fight with the nurses because I was the nurse- tee hee.. I have a cousin that's a nurse and she would come over in the mornings that I went into work and she was wonderful. We had charts and mom was so stubborn she didn't take any drugs until about a month before she passed awey and then I had to fight her to take anything. The hospice nurses couldn't belive that she wasn't taking any meds other then Excedrine Migraine. She sure was one tough cookie!!! Once the Cancer went to her brain she started seeing small children every where and she talked to them but I don't think they talked back. It was funny one day I was helping her into the shower and she stopped and told me not to take off her clothes because there was a little boy in the room. I asked her to show me where and I asked him to leave. I guess he did because she did wind up taking a shower. It was much different with my mom going thru Hospice then when my father was with Hospice because she wasn't taking a lot of medication and she was very aware of what was going on. She tried to let on that everything was going to be okay but I knew better. Like I said being the caregiver it's hard to hide pain all of the time.. She used to crack me up when people would call or come over she would put on such a brave face- I know that was because she didn't want people feeling sorry for her or anyone to worry about her.. She was able to take showers and everything up until the last week. Well, the eating started first and then she really started getting weak. It was just about 1.5 weeks prior to passing I helped her out of bed to use the restroom and I almost had to carry her. My aunt came in the room and we got her into the stall when she busted out crying and thats when my aunt and I knew she had been defeated! I ran to get her medicine while my aunt and mom rocked in each others arms. As I put my mom back into bed she said goodbye Carla and I couldn't believe it was the end. She asked me to make sure the other kids knew she loved them very much. Well, it didn't take long and all of the grandkids living here and the all of my siblings but the one in Florida came to the house. She hadn't ate much in quite a few days at this point but she asked for Chocolate and I searched for something chocolate. I pinched a small piece off and her mouth was so dry it just stuck to her lips. She proceeded to give everyone chocolate kisses. That was the last day that she really talked to us. It was about a week later and she was gone.. It's been 5 months and it seems like I'm finally able to get thru the day without aching and crying a lot. I still miss mom emencely but I have to be strong just like she was- smile.. I will always love her and my stepfather and I know in my heart they are always with me where ever I go. I'm sure you both feel the same! Life goes on.. Carla P.S. The photo is of Mom on New Years just two months prior to her passing..
  7. Deb, Wow, our situation was very similar.. So much I felt like I wrote to myself! Four out of five of her kids were at the bedside along with a slew of Grandkids and her youngest sister the morning she passed away.. I kept hoping that she wouldn't suffer or struggle but she had told us all farewell about 7 days prior to the end and I think that was when mom left us.. She had a very high fever at the very end when the hospice nurse finally made it to the house.. He stayed there up until the end and I was grateful for that. She had that death rattle and that was hard to see her like that.. I still can hear that sound but I try not to focus on that because it was horrible! My father never did that and I wasn't prepared to deal with that with mom but we got thru it.. Our family is very strong and we all know why that is - because she was strong as a bull! She used to brag that she was as healthy as a horse but once she was diagnosed with Cancer I turned it around and teased her telling her she was as strong as a bull! Funny how you said that you were fortunate enough to spend so many years together because one day before she passed I told her that I was scared and sad that she was so sick. She held my hand and squeezed it tight and told me how fortunate we were to have shared all of our lives together and that many mothers and daughters had not been so fortunate. Leave it to her to be rational-smile.. I too miss my mom and step father a lot but I still feel there spirit where ever I go. They made an imprint on my life and I let her know that she was the best mom a daughter could ever have.. I feel there are a lot of advantages to having hospice at home but you have to be really strong for them. I remember that night before she said her goodbyes and she was very sick, I had to give her medicine in the middle of the night. She was having such a hard time taking the medicine because of the infection - I bent on one knee next to the bed and began to cry and pray.. I told her that I wasn't sure I could go on and she squeezed my hand and told me I was doing a great job.. I had a lot of help in the end but the nights were mainly just her and I. That's when I spent a lot of time holding her and rubbing her back and hair.. I'm so thankful that I spent those last hours helping her. I also agree the void will never go away because she was my mom.. Thanks for sharing it was nice! Carla
  8. Hi Deb and Annie, I know just how both of you feel.. My husband and I lived with my parents for the last 5 years. We all moved in together to help my parents out because step father had Parkinsons and mom had suddenly lost her vision. My father passed away about a year after we moved in together. We helped him in the last stage of life with Hospice at home.. I was so very thankful that I lived there and got to share those last days with him and help mom thru it. I thought it was the hardest thing I had to do.. Mom was a very strong willed woman and she didn't want me or anyone to help her very much even though she was blind.. We had many wonderful weekends, months and even years after he passed and then on February 2nd 2008 she kept complaining of not being able to catch her breath.. We called the Doctor and she ordered mom to the emergency room.. Well, about 2 hours later that had diagnosed her with lung cancer.. I just about fell on the floor when they told me.. I couldn't believe they could diagnose that quickly - they had to be wrong.. Mom hardly even got a cold or the flu so how could this be.. Well, she did have lung cancer and it was very aggressive! She had the fluid drained off of her lung and went thru a very painful surgery to keep the fluid off.. The doctor wanted her to go straight into Chemo.. We are into natural medicine and the Cancer Dr. agreed to let us take mom to see a naturopathic doctor along with the Chemo.. I don't think she wanted to do either but she went to both to see if it would help. She was such a trooper and she was stronger then the big tough guys.. She was on a very aggressive treatment for about 5 months and the Dr. thought she was in remission.. That lasted about 3 months.. We were all so excited and thought she had beaten the beast! She assured me and the others that she did not want to go thru that again.. The cancer came back and this time she was beaten..We had hospice at home again but this time it was MOM.. I had to hang onto every ounce of strength I had and sometimes I just wanted to sleep.. When she showed signs that she didn't want to wake me I knew I had to suck it up- no whining.. Caregiving is not a taught skill but you learn as you go.. Having Hospice at the house both times was the only way that we wanted for our parents.. Being the main caregiver made it hard for me because I wanted to be in control but you can only stay up so many hours... It was so hard watching her suffer even though she tried to not let it show.. You know as a caregiver that you can't hide it even if you want to.. Mom passed away March 4th. 2009 almost exactly one year from her diagnosis.. Ironically, my step father passed away February 4 and as you may recall she was diagnosed on February 2nd.. Yea, it was a few years after he passed but now the hard part is reality for all of us! I keep having those flashbacks too and I still can't believe they are gone! It doesn't seem like it really happened and it definitely doesn't feel like it has been 5 months since she passed.. We are in the process of selling her house and dealing with family issues which seem to make it even more final! I miss having mom to reach out to and touch her hair like I did that last month.. I'm so very thankful that I was living with her and able to spend so much time with her. I felt that I was given a gift when she gave life to me when I was born and in turn I was fortunate enough to be with her as she slipped onto the other side.. So, you see we all have very much in common we were all FANTASTIC Caregivers and I know in my heart my mom loved sharing those last nights with me even if I whined a little.. I'm sure both of your moms were just as grateful and we are not perfect- smile.. Well, maybe a little.. Hang in there and thanks for letting me write a book.. Your Co-Caregiver Friend
  9. MrsH,Nicol and everyone, My mom passed in March of this year and we too are dealing with the Estate. Mom had 5 of us and prior to her passing everything seemed to be great. Since mom passed we have had many struggles and arguments that we have never had before. I think a big part of our problems are due to the fact we are having a hard time dealing because mom is gone and we are not dealing very well. It seems like what you said a scab that someone keeps coming back and scratching making it bleed! There are days when it feels like it gushes for no reason at all.. It's really strange not having mom here to lean on and help make it better. I can feel the boat tipping upward now as each day passes as it sank that dreadful day she passed. All of us now have our life savers on and are reaching out to one another and helping hang onto our lives together because we have grown children and grandchildren that look up to us the way we did our mom. Funny how that is. Like my mother said to me this is life and part of life is dying.. That obviously, doesn't make it easier when they are gone- Our moms and grandparents have been our foundation and our strength all of our lives and we leaned on them for comfort and security. Having them gone makes it hard because it is now on our shoulders to be that pillar of strength. I believe we all grieve in different ways and sometimes guilt for what ever reason is a factor or sometimes just the pain and sorrow knowing they are really gone.. I have to believe that mom would love the fact that I have been strong like she was and keeping our ship from sinking. I'm not the oldest of the siblings but I'm the center and the peace maker. Sometimes that can be a hard place to be when you are hurting yourself... I know mom is with her family that has passed and I feel that she is a teacher up in heaven just like she was here with us and our children.. I have to believe that my mom will always be with us even though she is not here in body and one day we will be with all of them.. Hopefully, this makes sence and it can help all of us deal with our losses.. It's okay to cry, be angry or even stare into space.. I don't think there really is a right way to grieve because we are all different.. As I read my words I realize that mom is still here living on in me because she gave me my foundation and my strength! Take one day at a time and hopefully it will be a better day! Carla Dee
  10. Nicol, Glad to see you back on line.. Believe it or not the more you talk about it the better you will feel.. My daugter calls me when she is sad over her grandma passing away.. Sometimes it's hard to talk about it but it feels better letting it go. Your Grandma and you were very lucky to of had such a wonderful relationship and no one can ever take that away. I remember just before my mom passed I told her that I was scared that I was not going to have her to lean on and she replied to me. Carla, we have had a wonderful life together and some people are not as fortunate to of had that much time together.. Well, that sounded good but I knew I was going to hurt a lot and I do but I know she would want me to be strong for my kids like she was with me. So you see, we were very fortunate to have spent our precious time with them. You are very young and you have a long life ahead of you. I was just about your age - I think when my Grandma died and I was so mad at myself because I hadn't taken time to go and see her before she passed. I had to let go of that guilt and remember the good memories of her. Playing cards together, rock hunting, cooking and going sight seeing. I still love rocks and cards to this day.. When I was going thru some of my moms things I found three pairs of her glasses she used to wear and a poem she wrote three days before she passed. I put them together in a picture box and I have them hanging in one of my rooms here at home. Even sometimes food odors such as Pancakes, indian fried bread and homemade bread make me think of her and smile.. Maybe you have to take baby steps and reaching out here is part of that.. If you have a friend, sister or cousin that you could lean on that is helpful too. Hang in there sweetie and I hope to hear from you soon.. Carla
  11. Dear Nicol, You are such a sweet Granddaughter! I have a granddaughter that is 10 years old and we two have a bond similar to you and your grandma. She tells me that I'm her best friend and that she can tell me everything.. I'm so sorry that you have lost your Grandma and I know you are very sad!!!! I recently lost my mom in March of this year and God knows I feel sad many days also but I take comfort knowing that even though she is not here in body form she is still here within me in spirit.. You spoke of having a dream about your Grandma and that is what I'm talking about spirit within you.. You will always have her next to your side and even though you can't see her body you can still reach out and tell her that you are having a bad day and it's okay to feel sad.. I imagine if I were your Grandma I wouldn't want you to be so sad because we as Grandparents don't want to see you in such pain.. Try to remember the special times you had and I found that if it's too hard to let go sometimes I would cry really hard in the shower and wash my pain down the drain.. The day my mom was passing all of her kids and grand children were in the room- I might say it was pretty full! She was such a mentor to all of us and it's hard to let go but we have to continue on with life here.. I know that mom would not want me to be hurting either.. Her birthday was April 15th and all of us went to a resturant and had a party for her. We even had the people in the resturant come and sing happy birthday and we all wore a big hat and hugged one another.. So you see there are some things that you can do that ease that pain. Take care of yourself and I'll check in to see how you are doing.. Hang in there sweetie! Carla
  12. Dear MouseGoddess, We must be very much a like- even have strange hours that we keep.. I wrote this to another person but I wanted you to read it too.. Just shortly after mom passed I was taking a shower and looked over and to my amazement there was this golden angel shining next to me. I got so excited because I felt it had to be her reaching out to me! I called my husband in to show him because I knew that no one would believe me.. He looked as surprised as I did.. I do photography as a hobby and I ran and got my camera.. You can see for yourself what I saw that morning.. Believe it or not I had taken showers in that room a hundred times and never noticed that angel before.. We have recently moved from her house and I do miss the golden angel that appeared ever so often after that but I still feel her like the other day a hummingbird flew up to my patio window and hovered as I sat with my aunt (her sister) I just knew it had to be her.. Maybe you should try to hang onto the things that you and her shared and focus on them.. I'm not a coucelor but I took care of both of my parents at home with hospice until they both passed and I thank God every day that I was able to spend that time with them. After taking care of them and seeing them talk to people on the other side as they were passing I pray that when it's my time to go I'll be able to meet up with all of them too.. Hang in there and believe that your mom is still with you guiding you and hopefully it will get easier.. P.S. we should get some rest-smile.. Carla
  13. Hi Bamboo, Sorry to hear about your loss of your mom. I too lost my mom in March 2. 2009. My husband and I lived with her and took care of her up until the end.. She was a very stong willed woman and I can still feel her spirit all of the time.. Just shortly after she passed I was taking a shower and looked over and to my amazement there was this golden angel shining next to me. I got so excited because I felt it had to be her reaching out to me! I called my husband in to show him because I knew that no one would believe me.. He looked as surprised as I did.. I do photography as a hobby and I ran and got my camera.. You can see for yourself what I saw that morning.. Believe it or not I had taken showers in that room a hundred times and never noticed that angel before.. We have recently moved from her house and I do miss the golden angel that appeared ever so often after that but I still feel her like the other day a hummingbird flew up to my patio window and hovered as I sat with my aunt (her sister) I just knew it had to be her.. Maybe you should try to hang onto the things that you and her shared and focus on them.. I'm not a coucelor but I took care of both of my parents at home with hospice until they both passed and I thank God every day that I was able to spend that time with them. After taking care of them and seeing them talk to people on the other side as they were passing I pray that when it's my time to go I'll be able to meet up with all of them too.. Hang in there and believe that your mom is still with you guiding you and hopefully it will get easier.. Carla
  14. Dear MouseGoddess, Cute name by the way... I'm so sorry that you had to loose your mom so quickly.. Cancer or any type of death is not fun by no means.. I also took care of my step father with Parkinson's and he went about 11 days without eating or drinking.. Mom too went 9 days and that was tough! We almost lost her when she was first diagnosed and I feel that is she had not done the chemo we would not of had her for very long. I know in my heart that she did it for us kids.. We were very lucky because we were able to spend that extra time with her but in the end it was tough.. She too had fluid that kept building up in her lung and they had to drain it quite a few times with as much fluid you could fill a 2 liter pop bottle.. The surgery they did was very painful to say the least! I know for me that no matter how long mom would have lived it would not have been enough! I have to keep telling myself that she is doing much better where she is and hopefully one of these days I'll reunite with her and the rest of my family.. In the end she spoke with my Grandmother, Stepfather and quite a few of her brothers and sisters on the other side.. After having both of my parents with hospice in the home I do feel that there is life on the other side.. I'm sure your mother loved the fact that you were with her and making sure she was taken care of.. Even though unfotunately for you she passed very quickly it was how she went out of this life.. Hang in there and write again if you would like.. Carla
  15. Hi, I'm new to this website but I see that a lot of people are hurting just like me... My mom passed in March of this year. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in February 2008 and passed away in March of 2009. That was the longest year and the shortest year of my life! I know we all think our moms are the most special in our lives and yes I would be the first to say she was a Super Mom! All my life she was my super hero and I feel her in spirit every hour of the day.. The first day she went for Chemo therpy she came out and just as she was getting in the car she noticed a penny on the ground and she said it was her lucky day! My siblings also found penny's on the ground- so we all feel that when we see those penny's it must be her sending them to us- smile.. Not only did my mom have Cancer but she was almost totally blind and once the chemo started she lost all of what she couldn't see.. She was very strong willed and even up to the last week she kept saying that if only she could help out cleaning or cooking she woudl be thankful.. My husband and I lived with her and God forbid I tell people that I was her care giver she would let them know that she was able to take care of herself! Believe it or not she felt better when she could take care of me or someone else.. She was a tiny woman but she was one of the strongest women I've ever met! Yes, I'm gieving but I know that my mom is in a much better place! I think the hardest part for me was that prior to that horrible day that she was diagnosed she never even got a cold.. She used to claim she was a healthy as a horse and then when she got the Cancer I told her that she was a strong as a bull! She made chemo look like it was a walk in the park- never really got too sick but she felt that it wasn't quality of life if she couldn't do those daily chores.. I take comfort in the fact that she was seeing children and family members at the end. At least she was able to see again! The last morning she spoke to us she asked for chocolate and I pinched off a piece and she gave everyone chocolate kisses.. That was just the kind of woman she was- always making sure everyone was happy! I Take every moment of every day and thank God that I had many days, hours and minutes with her.. Thanks, Carla Dee
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