DoubleJo

Susanne: What is too soon? What is time? To a young person time moves too slowly. To an older person it moves too fast. If you feel the desire to keep your family intact with another cat, thats' fine. If you want to give your other kitty some extra time with you to explore its' personality more, that's also fine. Maybe spending new time with your other one first will answer your question. The way they act can help you decide. Here's a cute little story: My late husband had his daughters' 2 cockatiels, 15 years old when I got them! Each in their own cage, next to each they were very close. Wilma died last year. I waited to see how Fred would react, because being as old as he is I didn't want to get another to be left alone soon after, but he called and called for Wilma. I decided to get him a new friend, one not too people friendly, basically for him. I fell in love with a sweet little girl of 4 months. Now Fred is very happy having her next to him in her cage, and "Mushroom" ( because she popped up overnight like a mushroom) is in love with both of us. If I come into the kitchen she calls me and wants to play with me. So- Fred answered my question for me. Kisses to your others- DoubleJo

Kim: Know that as you cry your eyes out- and you are very much allowed to do that!- your pain is shared. Another day gone by, another day to adjust. Keep goin! DoubleJo People think because someone died the situation is now over. No- its' just beginning. All the adjusting and heartwork has just begun. "All this time" is barely the amount of time spent with our loved one during their lives. People's perspective is distorted. One doesn't "move on" as if someone didn't exist. This isn't a schoolmate we lost touch with over the years. We need to move "through", getting to the other side, carrying our load with us but adjusting it so we can carry it more easily. This was, after all, the person we bonded with and chose, lived each and every day with, fighting together all that life brought our way. Someday these people may understand, and if they don't, well. then they weren't lucky enough to have this special experience with another person. DoubleJo

Susanne, you mentioned his huge personality and how empty it feels without him. Every now and then we are lucky enough to have that "special" pet. The one who has this special bond, connection with us. I had 3 dogs, one a springer spaniel. He was my special one, and even tho I still had my other 2 when he had to be put to sleep, his personality was so large that the house felt empty without him. Even my late husband, who didn't want another dog, felt it so much that he agreed we had to find another springer. Now Maxi is 11 years old and sleeping more. Now its' his time getting closer. It's frustrating because we want them back, but can't have them. I look at my other guys and think how special they'll be when they're gone some day, each in their own way. I suppose it's like a puzzle- each part is needed to complete it, and if we're lucky enough to find all the pieces over our lifetime we will do that. Now I have my late husbands'"step-dog" and "step cockatiels" along with my 2 guys and the neighborhood stray cats I feed . My world is full of precious little friends but I still have that empty spot waiting for my Kingsley Marsh. DoubleJo

He was "just a cat" to other people because they were not lucky enough to get to know him, because they are too cold to feel for others. Boliver cannot be dismissed because he was here and added so much to life. What he brought to you and you to him was a wonderful thing. He was apart of you, a small friend and partner. It hurts. Instead of saying goodbye, try seeing it as being filled up with something very special inside of you: of Boliver's love living within you forever, because, you know, love really never dies. My best- DoubleJo

Teny: You are being hit hard on many sides. Where you need to go for comfort is the place of emptiness. Two months after my husband died my mother did. I still needed to grieve for him, adjust my mind to this. Her death was the blow that pointed out how gone my husband was, for I would have turned to him for support and comfort. You are in between 2 hardships, each with their own sorrows and problems to be dealt with. The many thoughts for the two can overwhelm you. Though your mom is still here issues come to the front. Try to separate all the deaths and illnesses. They each have their place. You have every reason to live- the sadness of your losses proves how special life is. You can feel as rotten as you need to feel. You have every reason to right now, but as you learned, those feelings can leave as situations change. Hang in there. Today is today, but tomorrow isn't. DoubleJo

Karenb; You have a good outlook. Its' great that you are appreciating that wonderful and precious miracle called life that we are still fortunate enough to have. My best- DoubleJo

Actually Bob, I was replying to your statement that life has limited your choices. In your circumstances you have the ability/freedom to make many choices. How encircled within yourself you decide to become is certainly your choice to make. However, accepting the fact that it was your choice to marry again after only 6 weeks of knowing someone would explain where the power lay in the choice. Take care- DoubleJo

Wendy: All the illness and death surrounding you would certainly weigh very heavily on you and drag you further down. It is amazing, but it seems to happen so often- all these things at once. Like Leann and others, when my husband started crashing cars into gas stations with black outs, I was working a second job as our business could no longer be self sustaining, while my dad was being manipulated by a relative who suddenly worked his way into his good graces right after my mom had her stroke and my dad got dementia. Not to mention my inlaws died, then both parents, then my second husband, all in the span of 4 years, and there was more... G-d can give us more than we can handle. People have nervous breakdowns. They are left scarred and broken from all they have endured. There's nothing wrong with that. It's what you do with yourself after the smoke clears . I looked at it all this way: Okay, If sh-t happens (and it does), let it all happen now and I can get it out of the way. I cannot stop it, but I can manage it and shape it. It all did and I did. I was worn down, and like Leann says, when you feel ready you start walking again to see what your next trip down your path brings you. But give yourself time. Let the path clear so you can see where you're going. There is no rush. Everything you will need to take care of, will be done in it's own proper time. Derek is correct that right now you are mired and surrounded but you will later have some distance. As each thing comes to it's conclusion you will have more distance and space enabling you to deal with other things. DesertBob: I'm sorry you are feeling so confused and angry right now. Perhaps you are trying too hard to put square pegs into round holes, then analyizing their fit. Give yourself a break. You have no set work hours or days. You decide what work you will accept or turn down. You have the opportunity to talk and associate with whomever you decide. You have the ability to hire help and pay your bills. Your freedom and choices are greater than most people. Your choices are limited only by what you can or cannot see available at this time. Empty yourself of your "self" so the new you can find the room to enter. Take care. This has been a very interesting discussion and I thank all of you for your input. It is enlightening. DoubleJo

DesertBob: I believe you are reading things into what I wrote that I didn't say. My point is that we cannot see all that we are involved with in a broader view because we are so wrapped up in the details of the moments we are dealing with. This doesn't diminish or take away feelings of pain, hurt or anger. It doesn't stop the reality of a situation. It simply allows for other ways of thinking, feeling and reacting that may be helpful or productive. I had stated that we are human, we have choices and we have freedom. I don't think that makes us " automatons of fate". On the contrary. It is precisely because we have control that it would be a shame to not use it to help ourselves. There are many ways to see things and deal with things. People have many resources within themselves to draw upon. Dismissing everything with the generalization that all is rationalizing underestimates the capacities people have and the reality of their situations. It was never said that everything comes out in the wash. Quite the opposite: everything that occurs does just that because life occurs. This is what makes life. Take care- DoubleJo

My friends Wendy & Kathy: First of all, 16 months is not a long time at all. A permanent absence such as death takes a lot of time to absorb and to find a place to put in our daily life. You say you had 35 years together. That's wonderful! There are many events that you shared and occur in our lives. They actually never stop and the list can go on forever: grandchildren, graduations, marriages, divorces, moves, illnesses. We can see continously things that will occur. None of us will see them all. We each will go our separate way where seeing all these things doesn't occur here on earth with other people. Having many years with your husband gave you many such occurances to share and grow with. You are looking at the end of the spectrum and seeing nothing. If you look at the beginnning of it and follow it to its' end you will see a long list of filled time that brought you there. Perhaps seeing what filled up your glass before the water ran out will give you a different perspective on your life. We all will carry a deep sadness and fondness for the special people we miss. But we also need to carry with us an equally deep warmth from them at the same time. That is their love, their memory and it makes us feel good and secure. If your husband lived forever, would your daughter never move out? Would she not start her own life? You feel very keenly this loss of her because it makes the emptiness and reality of your husband's death more real. You feel abandoned again. You feel angry and frustrated. Try to separate the 2. Both are natural. Your daughters' timing may seem poor to you but her sense of time is different than ours. Ours goes so fast. Her's drags on. Thank you all for your responses. We all have deep needs and feelings and being able to share them is a good thing. I guess we are all simply human. DoubleJo

You're a wise mom- You gave a very good lesson to your children and you completed a beautiful circle. DoubleJo

Leeann: You have completed my thought. It is the many choices we have that allow us the control and empower us. It is the possiblities that come with these choices that gives us those wonderful things called "hope" and "freedom." Often we can do more than change our outlook. We can actually change things. Even if we can't see those possibilities at the time, it doesn't mean they're not there. They may lead to different directions than the one we are in, but that doesn't mean they're bad. It will just be "different." It can lead to other very good experiences in life, just with other people, or situations. Besides: How do we know what is "fair?" Because we want something that doesn't mean it is something that would have been good or right for us. Maybe this "unfairness" is better than what would have happened if life continued onward without this event? Karen- is is always good to get your input. DoubleJo

Sometimes people write of being "cheated", or "unfairness" because life didn't go the way they had planned with their loved ones for some day in the future. That "life" didn't conform for them. Perhaps if one accepted life as a living process, with all it's day to day changes, a creature that lives and breathes on its' own without bending to the dictates or wants of other people, it would be easier to grasp and deal with. Being human beings does not give us power over the natural course of life nor the conceit of thinking we can tell it what to do for us or when to do it. We can only try to take as much out of each possible day that we can while we can and hope we reach the other days we strive for. The power of life is beyond our total control. Partial control is all we can hope for, for the tremendous force of life is bigger and more comprehending then we can bend to our desires and dreams. Seen this way, the pain felt for uncompleted desires might be lessened. This thought is being put forth here with the hope to ease some heartaches as we all just do the best we can under the circumstances we receive at the time. DoubleJo

Hang in there Teny- as you can see, life is still all around you. It will be different, but it still exists. We think of you- DoubleJo P.S. I stayed for awhile on Spetza and Paros a number of years back.

How wonderful that so many felt the greatness of your husband. That he shared his love for our special home we call America is something I salute him for. And thank you, Karen, for letting us share in your pride of him. DoubleJo

Sometimes the only way to get thru hell is to walk thru it and get to the other side, and you did. Its' amazing what acceptance and letting go can actually bring to you. I am so happy for you. Now the peace that comes from the warmth of love can fill you up. It's a blessing- Your friend- DoubleJo

Teny: Almost any new thing will set you off crying. Each thing is a reminder that something is terribly different, someone is missing. This is very normal. I paid off my mortgage which should be a happy time, but again, its' a big reminder that the person who should be here with me at this time is not. It's the money from his death that allowed me to do this. I travel alot, and every time I go somewhere there is always a moment when I start crying. Why? Because it is a reminder that my life is different, and while it is a good different, it is still because of the sad reason that someone died . Life is ironic. You wait for the happy times and when they come it is for sad reasons. It takes a lot of events and daily living to adjust which means a lot of crying. It eventually smooths out. Hang in there- DoubleJo

Wendy: I would be surprised if you weren't depressed. All these things shoot out after that big event happens. My late husbands' daughter moved out to live with her boyfriend while her mom was dying in the hospital. She took advantage of the situation to do it. Try not to think of all the things you may need to do. Leeann has some good advice. There is nothing that important about the house that would cause the world to collapse this week. Don't overwhelm yourself any more than you already are. Take care of today . It will become yesterday. Tomorrow will become today. What you can't do today you will be able to on another. Try to look at this as not crumbling around you but changing. I had all things thrown at me too a few years ago. It's crushing. If you try to see the changes of your daughter and mom as not really unexpected nor unrealistic in their lives, perhaps it will seem less uncontrollable to you. All this will eventually smooth out into their proper places. For instance the yard- maybe changing it to a graveled patio without grass, etc will remove the maintenance for you. Today will take care of today. You will know better how to handle things later on as one by one they are confronted and tackled. Things often have a way of working themselves out in their proper time. Hang in there- DoubleJo

Thanks Marty- I am also passing this on to a friend with pets. DoubleJo

When Curt was in the hospital and on pain pills and freaking out from anxiety he managed to get paper and pen to write me an almost coherent birthday note. I treasure it. What a special memory you have for your birthday! It is wonderful! You must feel very depressed right now. Its' really tough. This makes you feel so extra alone it burns through you. You're only 41/39, I was only 51 with the first husband, 55 with the second. It IS amazing, however, that I am now but a mere 49. Yes- the magic of time. Try to hold that special warm memory inside you for comfort. Hang in there- sadly, what else can one do? We share this intense time with you. DoubleJo

KayC; The fact that YOU remembered shows how much you are bonded together and how special your relationship was. No one else could have experienced that. It is only too common as we all see here what time zones other people are in. (Not to mention other weird zones). It is amazing how time can be both long and short for the same exact time. Stay strong and use the love from him within you to fill you and keep you pushing on. Your concerned friend- DoubleJo

AllAlone: If this is any consolation to you, your mother is so surrounded by her peace where she dwells, in whatever shape, or form, that the meaness acted out by the persons who did that cannot reach or touch her. It is these people whose anger rages within them that are being eaten up from the inside out. They are miserable people who cannot be happy and will never find their own peace. Unfortunatly they reside here and the people they can touch become their victims. I hope this situation comes to a better end for you . DoubleJo

KayC, my friend: I remember you writing that your husband wanted a divorce. Given the other signals he gave you about how he felt it seems to me that you already gave him chances. I get the impression that he will live the way he wants as he has already been doing. Yes, you should not let bitterness eat at you. That is just more punishment for you, not him. But people need to earn their forgivness, or else they are getting a tactic approval that what they are doing is okay. You don't have to feel bitter because you tried, and without trying you are guaranteed to fail. Trying again takes strength and moral purpose, and only by reaching out can you find the right person or life. You should feel very proud about yourself. We are all concerned for you, and hope that the handwriting on the wall either changes, or you find this to be the opening to a new and more supported life. Perhaps this is the opening you need to move on and turn that other corner to see what is waiting for you that is better. DoubleJo

Wendy: There are 2 issues here. One is that a person is gone. The other is that this person was here. Accepting that a person is not coming back doesn't mean that they were not here. It can be warm and comforting knowing you had someone special with you. Trying to erase the fact that they existed can just make big empty holes where good fine memories can fill them up. Even without the items serving as reminders, they are a part of your home. This person did live with you. All these things were part of your existance. Someday, on a strange timetable of its' own, you will look at something and suddenly say to yourself, "Why am I keeping that? Its' old. " " I don't need it here anymore." "It takes up too much room," or simply, "it doesn't represent him anymore." Dusky is correct. Objects shouldn't be used as measurements. If they fit, they stay. If they suddenly don't, you'll know what to do with them. The people we meet change us, in good and bad ways. The ones we loved stay with us internally, no matter what we do with ourselves or with things. We have grown with them and in so doing we carry within us parts of them. Time is relative. My best- DoubleJo