Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

denny's heartbeat

Contributor
  • Posts

    11
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About denny's heartbeat

  • Birthday 01/17/1956

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    April 4, 2009
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    n/a

Contact Methods

  • MSN
    miss.missy69@hotmail.com
  • ICQ
    0
  • Yahoo
    american_outlaw_baby_69@yahoo.com

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Michigan
  1. i can relate to your concept "exactly", i do the same thing. this song here is beautiful and rings so true, never gonna be alone by nickleback, listen and watch, the loves of our lives are always there and tomorrow i play this for my friends memorial for all to hear and enjoy....joanna
  2. thank you boo, i knew you my friend would find me here and bring me the strength that i will need to get thru this. thank you so much for reminding me that the love of my life will be there to greet steve, i had never even thought of that...funny how the mind just "scatters" during these times!!! i can't sleep, i remember all these symptoms...thinking, thinking, thinking...all the good times, and all the bad times. i will be there tomorrow for my friends memorial, the one thing that i was left out of when my love left this world, and yes i will have a hard time making my feet move forward, but they will, thank you my friend, you are my "rock" on this site and i really don't want to ever know what i would do without you, thank you for being my friend boo!!
  3. On November 7, 2009, my friend, Steve lost his will to stay here for all of us who loved and cared about him. On October 14, 2009, Steve's home caught fire and he was severely burned, 3rd. and 4th. degree burns on his upper body. He was airlifted to the hospital listed "critical" , but fought hard over the next 3 weeks and 3 days. At times they thought things were looking on the upside, and it just remained a roller coaster for his family. On November 3rd. he had his 31st. birthday, and 4 days later God called him to be his angel...... He was my coworker and friend. He had a very big heart and would do anything that he could to help you, if he liked you. Always a sweetheart, very protective, and very kind. We worked very long hours, 12- 14 hour days at times and there was many months that I spent more time with him than I did with my own family!! Makes that bond very tight, and accepting his passing is very hard for me. April 4th. 2009, my fiancee died of a massive heart attack at 49.... that's how I came to know of this site, and that's why I'm here writing this, I have come to know that being here in this forum helps deal with the grief and devastation that we go thru when someone leaves our lives. Being off work now is a blessing, because when I return, he won't be there, and that's a step that I am not willing to take at this time. Tomorrow is his memorial and I want to go, but feel so raw from just 6 months ago when I lost the love of my life, but will take it minute by minute and see what tomorrow brings. Thank you for listening and I know that I will be back.....Joanna
  4. I would wrap my arms around his neck, bury my head in his chest and never speak anymore than "I'll love you baby" and soak in his warm breath on my neck (which I miss more than I can put into words) and let that handlebar mustache tickle my neck sending shivers to my very soul, just like it did every time throughout our time together. I would be sure to breathe him in deep, if I had 5 minutes with my baby that is exactly what I would do. Joanna
  5. My Dear Deborah, I'm not so sure at times myself if it gets easier as I approach the 6 month mark in about a week... I think that those steps backwards are part of this journey we are left behind to take. That way when we do step forward again we move farther than we realize. I think about Denny probably every minute of every day, and I push myself to do what I have to do now. He would want me to do that, and I know that I don't have to like it....because I don't!! I think what helps me is knowing that the love of our partner in life stays with us, and for me that's my fuel to get thru these lonely days and very lonely nights. So I can relate to wondering if it's ever going to get easier, I'm still riding the rollercoaster of emotions with you hun and understand how you feel. I wish that I had wonderful words of wisdom that would make your pain easier to bare, but all I can offer you is the honest belief that your partner's love is still very much alive inside you and will keep you going through these days of sadness. Coming here has helped me so much, so keep coming back and we can walk this road together. ((HUGS))
  6. hi boo, i have to say that you have become someone that has been very heartfelt and loved by myself thru all this... your straight to the point...no bs about it outlook on this journey we're traveling is something that i very much admire and respect!!! denny use to tell me..." baby i have no idea where that thought came from but there's a possibility you need medication my love", and he would just his ass off!!!! so the need of medication has been a fond memory that i can laugh about now!! cause in all seriousness there's a good chance that somewhere down the road i'm gonna need it!!!! lol i still have my pissed off days, oh boy do i, but i have noticed that some tolerable days have been sliding in here and there...and i can related to keeping things around you that they left there!! denny's cigarettes and lighter are sitting on the coffeetable next to that damn ashtray with whatelse you ask???? yes HIS cigarette butts!!! 5 pack of budwieser cans in the fridge, he got one out of there before he was taken from this world! boo, how could we possibly do without these things. you have NO idea how many people that i have yelled too,,,NOOOOOOO don't dump that ashtray, and no you can't have one of those, those are denny's smokes I'm sure my baby wouldn't care, but i do! when it's warm outside i break a sweat in that flannel, but you can bet all the money in the world that tonight, i will put it on and lay on his side of the bed and go to sleep but it all boils down to the same thing... i still miss the part of me that denny made!! i don't hate God anymore though, and yes i used the "Hate" word, i was so angry, pissed,livid, and yes alittle insane at the beginning of this path, but i see clearer now and death is a part of life. thank you for sharing those sayings and yes, yes, each day does bring me closer to the other half of my heart!!! awesome...and to all that might read this, keep those close personnal possessions because when those dark hours roll around and you can't sleep, and you have all these emotions going bonkers inside and you wait for madness to set in, put the article to your face and BREATHE your baby in!!! you will be surprised, but it works...everyday!! love you boo my friend, share more cliff stories with me, they are great!!! your harley riding friend to the end
  7. I just wanted to post and say that emotions run hot and cold, good days and bad days...and oh yes also the "very" bad days... This is a journey that I hadn't planned for and certainly wasn't prepared for. I have just put distance between Denny's family and myself, easier that way. Not getting to know them while Denny and I were together makes this a very awkward, usually fiasco, if I try to interact! Everyone grieves differently, his family wants to rid themselves of everything that Denny owned... me, well I'm still hanging onto dirty laundry and a shirt that Denny wore t he day before he passed! Different huh? 93 degrees and you will find me climbing into bed for the night wearing that green and black flannel shirt my baby wore!!! Sounds crazy i know and after 5 months I know that it should probably be washed with the rest of his things, BUT I JUST CANNOT DO IT!!! Personnal items and pictures are gone now, but by golly I still have this shirt. Don't have the scent to fall asleep with anymore, but if I think about it long enough, I believe I can smell my baby We heated with wood and he had cut wood at home the day before, so the wood, smoke from the stove, and that mornings shave brought me thru many dark hours. I''m still no good with the night hours. I'm functioning during the day, working hours that a woman of my age shouldn't even be thinking about, but it gets me thru... I know that I am grieving and doing what was put in my lap by Denny's unexpected death, and I find it the most unpleasant journey that I've ever set out on. Still feels like a few days ago instead of months ago, his good watch is still by the kitchen sink where he always put it In the bathroom hanging on the hook next to mine is his bath towel also... I know I may sound like I need medication, but to me it's part of him still here with me. Thanks for listening to me, always feel this load get alittle lighter. I love you baby... we will be together again, I know this...
  8. Felt like writing more about my sweet baby, Denny, who was called away in April 2009, things build up seems like and then I can blow off steam, cry, or just sit back relax and take the ride. If I wasn't working I know that I would go crazy! ! As I told you on my last post, Denny's family didn't know me personally and that can make things very sticky!! Thank God there was a will found and I was able to salvage some things t hat we had bought together!! Soon after Denny died, his mother and ex wife of 15 years decided to clean house and sort thru all his things. He had 2 children with his ex wife, and in his life things were all about the kids. Greed is a very unsightlyon a human being!!! WHen things were picked thru, I did go out and get a couple things as momentos. The following weekend they had a estate sale and sold everything!!! Now they say the house goes on the market All depressing!!! I have the place where my baby drew his last breathe and I have to admit that I am there often!!! Gives me a welcomed sense that everything will be alright. His co-workers talked with the property owner and they have allowed me to be there anytime that I wanted or needed to be. His buddies (heavy equiptment operators) built a beautiful fence around an area that I can feel the love of my life move thru me. Does that sound corny? I know what I mean but can't find the words!lol He is with me all the time! I still question God's choice to take him from me so early, but I know that He had reason for it. Denny was very strong and able bodied, we heated with wood so he cut wood all the time seems like, he drove a huge payloader into the side of a gravel mountain all day long, very long days too. He had only been back to work a couple weeks when he had his heart attack, we had sat out a long cold winter and looking forward to getting out more with spring around the corner, but that wasn't to happen Did I mention that his family is putting the house on the market? I have no other place to go that gives me peace other than Denny's spot at an old work site...Hard to sit back and watch people put a price tag on your life! But again, I made the mistake of wanting to take the time to get to know ourselves! Denny has to be looking down and keeping them from tearing up that spot, I drive an hour to that place 2 times a week and sit with Denny, no matter how tired! No one else has been out there which is fine because I worked to have this and "TADA" it's our spot, I spend a few hours there pulling weeds, planted flowers and they are a beautiful sight!! Talking!!!!...I talk to my sweetheart for hours there and it helps me somehow, can't quite put my finger on it. So that would have been today's incident, which is smaller than last time! I miss you Denny, wish you were here. Sleepinng is alittle easier than before, but I still wake up and roll on my side and he's not there, that makes me very sad So an emotional rollercoaster is what i've been thru before! Dinner sounds good this weekend, and if you have any ideas let me know if you can while FEMA is still here after everyone has gone. I have learned that even elementry teachers get frustrated also!! I still sleep with my sweet baby's sweatshirt, his scent calms me! That's why they said that it would take time to get everything...there are days i cry all day long and even cry myself to sleep at night, then other days that are normal for others and I push past the pain inside and help get things done! I am working, hard to adjust my attitude during work hours, but I'm flying under radar with all this
  9. I have been away for awhile, joined the family when Denny passed in April and stayed logged on 24/7! Well, when I accidently signed out I realized that during the first stages of my loss of Denny I had never wrote down the information that would bring me back to the "family"! Silly?? Yes, but I found a way back with a new name and writing down information needed for future use! lol On the 4th of August it made 4 months that Denny passed from a massive heart attack at age 49. We were just a short time away from our wedding date, coming off the long winter months that we found ourselves stuck inside, and looking forward to the spring and summer months. Denny loved summer, he had already taken the cover off the pool a couple days before God called him away.... he wanted to get started with getting the pool ready for summer, but truth is...he was just excited He lived in the pool almost all of his spare time during the summer. Denny worked hard as a heavy equipment operator for a construction company and took care of a huge yard at home, with all the landscaping done by him...beautiful....a reflection of himself. When he died, which was a Saturday, he had left the house to cut wood at his work site with a co-worker of his, he was very tired that morning and I had asked him to stay home....knowing of course tht he wouldn't, never missed work, said he'd have more coffee and feel better when he got going. I got a call and he said that he had a few pieces of wood left to pick up and that he had sent his co-worker out ahead of him and was getting ready to head home. I remember him asking if we could pull the grill out of the garage and do steaks , like I said he was excited!!! I waited, and waited, and then waited some more Denny never came home and I will NEVER as long as I live forget that gut wrenching feeling that grabbed the pit of my stomach and stayed there! You see when Denny and I met we had decided that we would wait and bring the families together at a later time and work on getting to know each other, which we spent months and months doing. We both had failed relationships before and wanted to make sure that we were gonna make it before bringing our kids into it, so when he asked me to marry him on March 3, 2009 (his 49th. birthday), I said "oh hell yes!!" and we then set a date of memorial weekend for families to meet at our house for what do you think?? YES!! BBQ!! But we didn't make it that far and none of his family knew how to get in touch with me, they knew he was dating and they would be meeting me in May, but Denny and I didn't live together yet (even though I was there all the time!lol), and when he didn't come home that night or the next day even.... I hate to say that I got really pissed and left!! I waited for him to call, didn't know where his job site was where they had been cutting wood...so I waited for that call that just never came from Denny. I'm ashamed of myself now for becoming so angry at him, but I had no idea that a healthy man could just drop dead like that! A week passed and I had made trips to the house, never ran into anyone there, then one day his truck was there...I searched every inch of that house for him...Then I woke up at 3 am and got online and checked hospitals with this sick feeling inside Couldn't explain it, just had it. No to the hospitals, then I made that turn to obituaries from the week past knowing that there was NO WAY IN HELL he was in there, the screen loaded and I cannot explain that intense, sick feeling that hit my body in wave after wave.....there was his name....I was making this horrible discovery on the day that they held memorial services for the one true love in my life. Moral to this story....never wait to do the things that are in the order of lifes code! You might miss something very IMPORTANT to you....in this case it's Denny I was never able to say good bye too.......Thanks for letting me ramble, just walking down thru the memories and will share more of "our" story soon. I love you Denny, I can still feel you baby!
  10. awwwwww boo i am so sorry that the so called human race is having a field day with you!! i never have made friends very easy because of a genuine mistrust in people, denny was the people person do you remember me now? yes i lost all the information to my account so i just started another one. i am doing better, but still have a big void and i am aware that that void is a forever thing. i can relate to alot of what you're saying because denny's family has picked our house apart, wanting this and wanting that, many things of value... they guilt me into it then i feel so ashamed afterwards and in a sense feel like i've let the love of my life down ouch!! hey i'm hanging on tight to my dirty shirt that i have slept with since he left me here in april. i'm a functionig mourner now... i have to pay the bills and make life as normal as possible for myself. dreams have become my treats when they show up during my rest, i'm able to see my baby and even talk with him! as corny as that sounds i look forward to each night that i lay down because it might be the night that he comes if you have to turn into the wicked witch hun then i say do it to the very best of your ability!!! people do mistake kindness for a weakness, but you can also teach people that enough is enough....i have missed you my friend and i hope that you remember who i am because it has been awhile since we've spoke. when you lay your head on your pillow tonight i hope that cliff can come and visit you and make some of the bad better,,,,,,,,,joanna
×
×
  • Create New...