tash

Oh no that ok i just thought i should clear it up,

Chai, Thank you, it is good to know that there is a place to go too where we are able to vent, and to grieve as well as to be able to share our experiences. I have always been the carrier of my family and although that is a good thing at a time like this it is also very difficult as well, sometimes you need someone there for you as well.

Marty, Thank you for your reply, and words I listened to the program that you had recommended, it was quite good. The way my brother died is very hard to deal with and on top of that there is so much frustration with the police,media and prosecuters. Thank you for the advice...

Boo, Thank you for your kind words, it has been extremly hard, just something I need to clear up, as I am not sure where it came from but I was not 16, I was 34 at the time it happened a year and half ago, my brother at the time was 26. In the province I am in we do not have counsellors that are knowledgeable even the bereavement counsellors to help with murder victims. It is a very hard process and unfortunalty our justice system in Canada benefits only the accused. Thanks you again for your words and strength as I still am struggling to find away to deal with my grief.

February 23, 2008 at 2:50 am will forever be etched in my mind, and it seems that I cant get past that day. At that time on that day my mom called to tell me that my brother was murdered. Its now been 18 months and the pain that I felt at the time I recieved that phone call stays with me. No person should ever feel the grief of loosing a loved one, when that loved one is murdered that grief, is so hard to understand. We never got a chance to say goodbye,never got the chance to tell him I loved him one more time. I remember her telling me to go the hospital, as my other brother was hurt too,my dead brothers twin. I remember going with my other brother there were four of us kids me the oldest,then my other brother and then the twins. I remeber thinking how can we manage with just us three?? Going past the crime scene and my dead brother still out there, laying there, and I was begging them to cover him up, to get him a blanket that he will be so cold. As being the oldest sibling and the only girl, I always felt my job was to protect my brothers, and that night I failed him. A friend and I usually met up with my brothers when we went out, that night at the same time my brother was killed when she asked if I wanted to go meet them I told her no lets just go home, I was tired and didnt feel that great, that my stomach was in knots. The guilt I feel for not going kills me, I feel in some sense that maybe I could have prevented this, in my head I know I couldnt have stopped it but my heart tells me different. The time that followed was so hard, planning my brothers funeral, picking out his coffin, my parents needed my help, my mom was in denial. I felt and I still feel so much anger to those that did this, and to the justice department, because even though my brothers killers were caught days after we still havent gone to trial, and that is something our family desperatly needs in order to have some type of closure. For the past 18 months I have done things to try and forget, things that have now brought me to the point of having a breakdown. I have talked to counsellors they were more interested in hearing facts about the case that they cant hear because of a media ban,and I thought maybe talking on here can try and help me understand and to learn how to deal because I really cant.......