deborah ogren

Hi there Bam, It is a long journey when you have lost someone that you love. Your body will be numb for awhile,because right now you are in shock, the mind has away of doing this to us. It does feel like a dream or a bad dream that we just can't wake out of it. It is like a fog, you are in the early stage right now. Greving doesn't have a timeframe on it. The emotions come and come, sometimes that is different for others. My parnter of 25 years is coming on 7 month on the 19th. I still feel numb at times, my mind knows that she has passed, but the heart hasn't connected yet. The one thing I realize is LOVE IS LOVE!!! I still expect her to walk in the door everyday, it will just take time and we become stronger. I have good days, and bad days. Let this website and the people wrap there love around you. Remember that you aren't alone we are there to help you in any way. Be kind to your self,eat,try to sleep, and keep posting here.Let us know how you are doing. I will say a pray for you. Deborah (Phoenix)

I've been reading alot of posting about feeling like there is a fog that we all feel at one time or another. Maybe this is when you are finally out the shock feeling. It is hard to explain to people that really don't known what you are feeling. And again their are others that totally understand what you are talking about, or what you are feeling. I think it is so wonderful to know that we are all safe here, and we can vent,express our feeling, and we aren't judged. Life isn't fair at times, but it is what it is. I find so much comfort here on this website, because we are allowed to really understand that we aren't alone during this porocess.There is others that understand the pain and roller coaster of emotions that we are feeling right now. Being aware of the emotions and knowing that in time we will get better, and there is hope for all of us. I have going threw a battle lately.Part of me would like to clean out the closet and just pack some of Deb's belonging, but the other part of me says no. How do we really know when is the right time or not. It will be 7 moths on the 19. I know I'm not ready to get rid of her things yet. Any suggestions from anyone? Deborah

DeeGee, My heart goes out to you. Yes you are right there is so many emotions that we go threw in this greiving process.Sometimes we are sad, other times we cry, and then we are angry at the entire world.I think that when we are tearful it cleans our soul. I don't think there isn't a person on this website that hasn't experience these emotions. Just knowing that there are people out there that will help us due to this website. We will survive this, I have to believe this. I will say a pray for you, and God will give you the inner strentgh you need. Take care of your self, and be kind to your self. Deborah

I'm glad that people can relate how we are feeling. When I hit the six month I thought I was losing my mind. It was is was today. Alot of people that I have talked to says that greiving doesn't have any time frame. I guess I'm learning that. I think that I have blocked out some of the last few days with my Deb. I know eventually it will hit me like a ton of bricks. When it happens it happens. I find myself trying my darnest not to be angry at my Deb for leaving me, after all she didn't wish for the cancer. So I just pray and pray and put my life in God's hands, he will give me the strength to go on. I pray that Deb is watching over me, she will always be a part of me, and I'll always miss her. Deborah

Laurie, Thank you for posting back to me. I do find alot of inner strenght when I'm able to post. The support here is wonderful. I know when Deb got cancer my whole world fell apart, including me having a stroke. Yes I was very angry that God took my Deb, she had been in my life for over 25 years, it seem so unfair. But watching her go threw all that pain, weight loss, and finally not being able to talk the last week was awful. But I had to keep it together for her, this wasn't about me, it was about her. The only thing that does keep me together, is I know she is no longer in pain, and that she is safe and in God's hands. I don't know why God took her from me but it was meant to be. So I have to take care of me and start a new life without her. She never be far from me, because she will always be in my heart. Deborah

Korina, My heart goes out to you. It is hard to feel thankful about things when your heart is still breaking and in pain. Being sad, angry, and upset it just doesn't seem fair. I think we all at one point try to think what if I did this or that, in fact it can only drive us deeper in that dark place that we are all in. I have been very angry myself lately at God, and ask why so many times. The only thing is that I have to believe that my Deb is doing God's work and that she is fine, no longer any pain. The one thing that you do have to be thankful for is your little baby. That baby is an extention of you and Scott and the love you have for him. You will see Scott threw that child. It doesn't ease the pain that you feel right now. But embrace and give all you got to the little one. And remember that Scott is there in your heart, soul, and the child you have is sooooo specical. I believe that he is watching over you and your baby. Please be kind to your self, and just go with the emotions that you are feeling right now. It is alright to be angry, sad, confussed, these emotions are what helps to heal us. You are in my thoughts and prays. Take care. Deborah

Hello everyone, sorry that I had slacked off for a little while. This week hasn't been one of the good days. In fact I woke up the other day and I found myself being angry at everything. I just didn't want see anyone or even talk. It took me a couple of days to get it together. I just felt that if I was by myself, it would make it easier, without me getting mad at people or opening up my mouth and saying something that I couldn't take back. So I figured that I just needed me time. Has anyone just woke up just being made at the entire world. This isn't like me the emotions were up and down, one mintute I was crying, another time I was laughing, and then I was so angry about the cancer that took my partner away from me. I don't feel to bad tonight, I guess it is just part of the process. Everyday I Pray and ask God to help me grow and understand all of this. I have always tried to be postive and I have had to depend on his guideness, after all it has almost been almost 7 months. Thank you for letting me vent. Deborah

I'm glad that you are feeling better lately. As you say Tom would want you to live your life to the fullest.It sounds like you and Tom had a very good relationship I know that is something that he would love to see you happy again. I think that is what we all would like to get to that point. I was talking to my counselor the other day and I told her that my mind knows that my Deb wasn't coming back. That now the mind and the heart has to connect, it has only been six months for me, and each day I feel a little better. I still have good days and some bad days, but I know that I will survive this. You take care of your self. Debbie

I have been wishing for something, anything at all. It has been six months already since she has passed. I had a discussion with one of my freinds and asked why her spirt, or prencense hasn't come yet. She said that maybe she just couldn't. I know that when I lost my father at 17 years of age, he came to me, why can't she. I've been praying to God, and asking for Deb to come in my dreams at least, but of course that hasn't happend. Part of me just wants to know she is alright, and the other part feels that she isn't going to come back, whether it's her spirt, or in my dreams. Maybe this just is another step in greiving.I don't know there isn't a day goes by that I don't continue to have faith, I know that all things can be done if you just have the faith. I just hope this stage will just go away pretty soon. I'm still taking my medication to help me. I'm so thankful for this website, a place where I feel safe,not being judge, just realizing that greif is real and there are people that are going through the process themselves. Maybe since the stroke in Feb, and her passing in March my body was effect far as any kind of dreaming. Anybody got some new idea, or give me something to thank about it. Well I'm going to stop there for now. Deborah

I want to believe that it does get better in time. I just reached the 6 month mark of my parnter passing.I didn't realize that it would be as hard as it was. I feel like I have taken several steps backwards instead of forward. But I have read that the next biggest one is the one year mark. Right now I feel so lonely, and scared all kind of emotions that i am feeling. I know that life does go on. I do have a lot of faith and that is what keep me going. I know in my heart that she is in a much better place, and she is doing God's Work now. I know that I'm thankful that she was in my life for 25 years, I wish that it would of been longer. All we can do is take each day as it comes. I have written several letters to her expecially when I'm upset or down. Maybe I need to write her again, because I do fine some sort of comfort. Deborah

Paula, I'm very sorry to hear of your lost. It has been only six months since I lost my domestic partner of 25 years. Deb died also with esophogheal cancer. I live here in Phoenix also. I was like you in a way, I didn't handled it very well. She fought the disease for 10 long months. Even tho I thought I was preared for her Death, I was only kidding myself. I don't think you really can be preapred for death. I was her total caregiver and in Feb I had a stroke and was hospitalize for 15 days. It was almost 30 days after the stroke I lost her. It seems at times it is get harder but other times I feel than I'm handling things, and then there are times I really don't know what I feel, or what I'm doing. So please keep posting, because other will help you through the journary. I'll say some prays for you. Take care of your self. Deborah (deborahogren@Q.com)

Yesterday marked 6 month since I lost my domestic parnter Deb. It was a bad day for me, I found myself not wanting to talk to any one, I cried most of the day. I didn't even get out of my pj's. I really felt more of a loss than I had before. One day I feel that I'm doing alright, and then the next I feel like I'm taking two steps backwards. Some times I feel like I'm going crazy, and then other times it doesn't feel to bad. I keep trying to keep postive and tell my self things are going to get better as time goes by. But the truth of the matter is I miss so much about her. I never was upset that she left me, I was upset with the disease that took her from me. I know that must sound strange but Deb and I talked about it before she went into hospice. She knew it was just a matter of time, I kept holding on there was something the doctors could do to save her, but she couldn't be save. I guess that is one of the hardest things to deal with, they don't want to leave us, but they don't have any control of this sistuation, it's all up in God's hands. I have to believe that she is in a better place, no more pain and she is free to do what God wants her to do. I wonder why greiving has to be so hard for the people that are left behind, there isn't a easy way to keep your emotions together, or your heart from breaking, greiving takes control of your body and soul and your mind. I just wish that greiving wasn't so painful, they say time does heal all things. Right nowI'm having a hard time in believing this, which each of all maybe have felt this also. Deborah

Amanda, I just read our post and I would like to express my smpathy for Chad. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to greive for him. I lost my father when I was 17, and it took me almost 9 years berfore I finally knew I had to deal with issue. It wasn't easy because I had alot of guilt and regret and unslove issue realting to his death. On the 9 year I finally found myself going out to where the accident happened. I cried alot, let my mind go in a tail spin during that time. I finally went to a theapist , and they put things in perspect for me, so I could finally move on with my life. I didn't realize that if I didn't let go of these thoughts, it would effect me all my life. I can now talk about him and the pain is gone. Sure I still miss him, he never got to see my son which is now grown or the three beatiful grandsons that I have. I don't know if you believe in God, or in heaven. But I know when my time is over I be able to see my dad once again. I want to believe that if he is in heaven, he smiling looking down on me and see my life as it is. I believe also that Chad is looking down on you also, and I don't believe he would want you to be sad and hurt, he would want you to have a good life and be happy. I know that is easier said than done. I'm almost in my 6th month of greiving since losing my domestic partner for 25 years. The pain I feel is real, and brings back the feelings for my father. I have managed to discard the bad meories, of him and only remember the good ones, this is how I keep him dear to my heart. There isn't a time frame on greving, you greive for as long as you must. I know you wont forget Chad, bescause he is and was a big part in your life. You just reach deep down in your heart and mind and you will know that he is still with you, not physcialy but his spirit is still there. I promise that things will be better for you if you concerate on the things that you and Chad had in common, the laughter you shared, the secerts, the joy, and every presious moment that was special, focus on these, because then you will always have him, you wont lose his meories if you keep him alive in your heart. I hope I was able to shed some light for you. I will say a pray for you and ask God to help you come to terms with your loss. Keep posting , venting, because we are here for you. Hope to hear from you soon. Take care of yourself and remember God doesn't put anything that you can't handle. I believe this with all my heart. Deborah

Hello Chai, I do believe that some of what you are feeling does involved the past. It is a issue that you want to come to terms with so you will be able to go forward. You shouldn't beat your self up because you didn't visit your Dad as much as you wanted to. Maybe you feel that if you spent more time that the hurt wouldn't be as painful. You have to know that you had two different relationship between your grandmother and your Dad. No two relationships are the same, it doesn't mean you loved one less, it means that you loved your grandmother one way and your Dad another way. It isn't the time you spent with your Dad it is the quality time you were able to spend with him this is what is important. I think that he knew how important your schools was, and he would of wanted you to continue on with that, if you didn't I think he would of been upset with you. By continuing on with school this made him proud, because you were doing something for you, you were making a life. I would suggest that you take some quite time and get your thoughts together. When you figured out them, sit down and write him a letter and expressed what you are feeling, all of your thought not just some of them. Read it aloud it becomes more real, if you cry this is alright. When you get done doing these put the letter up so if you start to feel this way again, you can do it all over again. I don't know how many times I've done this, but I will tell you does help. If it doesn't then we will come up with something else. I believe that when you forgive your self you no longer be haunted by guilt/regret/and pain while he was in the hospital. One thing that I have learned is that the ones that are left behind will go threw crazy emotions, anger, regret, lost, feeling empty, crying,and the pain.... But if we could keep them close in our hearts there love will always be with us. Think of all the good times you had, and remember always THAT YOUR FATHER LOVED YOU VERY MUCH, AND HE WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU, BECAUSE YOU HOLD HIS HEART IN YOUR HANDS. I hope my reply gives you some hope, because eventually the pain will be easier to cope with. Deborah

StarKiss, I just read your post and I'm sure that you have some mixed emotions about your father, whether to forgive him, and letting your self be able to move on. Not moving on is going to eat you away, and make you more angry the longer you carry this baggage. Knowing that you weren't the blame for this sitituation. You have to know the feelings that you have are real and painful right now. If I might suggest to you, write a letter to him, and tell him what you feel, and how angry you at him, in fact being disappointed in him. Sometimes when we are able to write our feeling down it starts a new process for us. Reading it out loud by your self or have a good friend to be there for moral support. If you can't do it is alright, maybe down the road you will be able to do this. I'm glad that you are having some thepary done, they have away of getting to the source. I just thought maybe this would give you another out to express your feeling. You are a strong person and you will come to terms with what is right for you. Don't continuing beating yourself up, when the time is right you will know. I will say some pray's for guidance for you. Take care, and keep posting. Deborah

Dear Chai. Thank you replying to my post. To be honest I don't really know how I been able to handle things the way I have been doing.I done a lot of praying for some guidance the past 5 months. I have questioned sometimes in my mind " That God Doesn't Put Anything On Our Heads That We Can't Handle." But with the help of a few good friends and this awsome website it make things much easier for me. I try to stay optimistic, and postive. I do have my bad days, like we all have. Sleeping is one of the things that is hard for me. I guess because I want to have good dreams. Since I loss her I haven't had one dream about her. I keep hoping that she will come to me in my dreams. But again I still think she will come back to the house, which really hasn't happen. I know some people don't believe in that, but I do. Personal experience of this happen back in 1971 when I loss my father, it only happend twice, his spirit or image was there and then it vanished. So right now I have mixed emotions on that. Right now I'm trying to get phycially better, and mentally at the same time. Before I loss Deb I suffer a massive stroke, and was hospitalize for 15 days. After my return to home Deb took a turn for the worst. I didn't have time to worry about me at this point. I really believe that I was handling everything, but God sure didn't think so. So he took me out of the picture for a little time. I felt so bad for not being home, because Deb was by her self. But know I now that is would bring back in the picture at his time, which he did. I have to believe that God has a plan for me like he had a plan for her. So I'm learing each day to remember the goodtimes, and the good life I had with her (25 years). I know comptely in my heart that she is watching over me and that I will be fine during this journey. I know now that we only can live for today because that is all we have, tommrow has came yet. Thanks for the suggestions on sleeping ideas. Take care of yourself, and may God guide you and give you inner strength threw your journey. Deborah

Starkiss, Just read your post, I can understand that you would keep the remains forever, but on the other hand the rest of the family needs their closuer too. Maybe you should keep part of the remains until you ready. You need to do what you feel is right for you.... Let the rest of the family do what they think is best for them. You don't have to tell them, this is your decision. We all know that losing someone is hard enough, and we all grieve in different times, there isn't a time frame on this. Decide what you want, and need, this is very important. If you would like some of the remains spread in your rose garden its o.k. Think what you want I'm sure you will make the right decision for you. I will say a pray for you. May God watch over you and guide you in your decision. Deborah

I was just sitting here with so many emotions today. The biggest emotion I'm feeling right now is how thankful that I had Deb in my life for over the last 25 years. Sometimes we don't know what we had until it is gone. Right now it is a little hard to control my emotions. The doctor said that it will eventualy come together. I had the experience of having a stroke before my parnter passed away. Everyday I just do the best I can, even tho I wish I was back to my old self. On top of the stroke, then the death of Deb. Sometimes I wonder if things do come together. The most important thing that I learned was Love is Love. So when I start feeling down, I think of all the wonderful years that I had with her. And then things don't seem so bad for the time being. I like others feel lost and empty inside, sad, lonely, angry, and all the different feeling we all go threw with a loss. One thing that I try is to remember that there is no way she wouldn't want me to be this way. My reply is to the best you can today, because this is what we have, tommrow isn't here yet. I tell myself this at least 100 times a day. Greving is so hard, but we all know there is hope out there for us. I treasure each day I wake up, and face another day. I would like to say it is easy, but we all know this isn't the truth. One of my freinds drop off a roll of film, which I forget what was on in. He developed it, and of course it was of happy times, before she got cancer. So the emotions are right on the edge again. Maybe the pictures will make me laugh, cry or what ever. I'll just take a deep breath and remember Love is Love. I've got a freind picking me up to get out of the house for alittle while. I need some me time for a while. Deborah

Lostluv, I just read your post, I am sorry for your loss of your husband. Right now everything seems to be inside out, upside down and confussing for you. One thing that I realized that there are people that really do care and will be there. I can understand that you don't want to wear out your welcome. This is what I was feeling with my two close freinds (Derrick & Kelly). I finally broke down and told them that I didn't want to be a burden to them, well they set me straight real quick. A true freind is someone that you can call in the middle of the night if you are feeling down. They will come over or pick you up, put on a pot of coffee they will do anything to help you along this journary. They let you cry, let you talk, let you vent if you are angry. Friends are able to be on the outside and looking in they see things different than we do. I finally put my guard down, and felt comfortable enough to pick up the phone and call when I was feeling down, crying and etc...Another thing that I started doing was answering different post. There is alot us out there,don't know which way to turn. Greiving is very personal, each us greive differently. Each us have our own story to tell, and each us hurting inside. I find a great deal of comfort in going on this webite. When I told my story I know that I'm not alone. MY story of losing my domestic partner 5 months ago, it did take some time to get enough cougar to tell. I know now that Love is Love, whether we loss a spouse, sister, pet, grandma and etc.... All you can do is your best, nobody expects anything else. Take little steps at time, and stop beating yourself us. YOU ARE DOING WHAT YOU CAN. Take in a deep breath and exhale and repeat... Iwill say a pray for you. May God watch over you and help you with all your needs. Deborah

Not Coping, I know that in the begining everyone tries to show some kind of support. Friends drop by, the phone doesn't stop ringing. Then it all of a sudden it becomes slow, and the reality begans. It would be so nice if we just could go on and have less pain, and fewer thought. It will be 6 month on the 19th of Semptember since I loss my parnter Deb. I found myself sitting in the livingroom crying because it was raining outside tonight. Deb was scared of the rain and thunder. As I sat there a memory came to my mind. When the whether was like this, you had to seat in the bathroom with a flashlight and candle till the storm was over. All I could do was smile for a few mintues thinking about her, the rain, and the thunder. Boy what I would give for just one more good moment with her. I believe when we grieve each us grieve in our own special way. I have a locket necklace of some of her ashes that I wear around my neck. Only the few friends know about it, because it just looks a heart. My dear close freinds (Derrick & Kelly) purchased it from the furneal home after Deb passed. My mother wasn't really happy about this. But I found some comfort with this. After all now it is about me and how I feel. I realize since her passing that the things that use to bother me is only stuff now. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her (we were together for 25 years). She had family, but their was no communication with them. I was all she had. Deb finally called her brother which lives out of state the Jan before she was told that she had cancer in June. They finallly after 25 years started talking once a month. She also called one of her sisters which she hadn't talked with in 20 years. It was as if the circle of her life was going to be alright. I do try to kept in contact with them, it is hard but I know this would be something she would have me to do. My advice to you is to keep your chin up, because this is all about you. There isn't a time span on greiving. Your true freinds will be there for you, and they won't judge you or make you feel bad. They will be there in the middle of the night, if you just need to talk. They will let you cry, let you talk, and let you just be the person you are. My thoughts and prays are with you. Keep the communciation coming, keep posting, and journaling because it does help us all. May God Bless You, Debbie

Why do people think they know what is best for you? I know they mean well but sometimes it isn't the right thing to do. I think people are trying to help, but sometimes it is hard to listen to their advice. Don't you hate when they say it is going to be alright and you will be alright. Only you know how you feel, and only you know how long this process is going to take. They don't have a book out their that says you have grieve enough. My parnter has only been gone 5 months. I still waiting for her to walk threw the door. I guess when the mind and heart get connected things seem to get easier. Or at least that is what others tell me. Right now I'm not sure what I think or feel. I know that I'm not angry at my Deb, I'm angry at the diease that took her from me. I've wonder so many things since she has passed. I know for sure that I have no regrets of the decisions and the cimustances with her. Sure it was hard to try not beating your self up, but I did everything that she regusted. After all this wasn't about me it was about her. The only thing that I was unhappy about is she didn't want a meorial or anything like that. But because I loved her I wanted to do her final wishes the best that I could. I guess it will something that will always be on my mind. Deborah

dehydrated flower, I just read your post, and the first question that pop into my mind what was her name? It is obovious that you are really angry at her, otherwise you might regret getting rid of her ashes. One thing that you might want to do is write her a letter and tell her why you are so angry at her. Sometimes when we write our feeling down they become more real to us.. If they are real we then can adress some of the issues and problems. How long were you together? You don't want to get in the mode of self destruct, because you are better than that. Ask your self a few questions it won't be real easy. First is how do you feel? Why do you have so much rage? Did you love her? Why do you feel that you have to clean up her messes? Why did she die in her sleep? I don't believe that you want to end up, or absuse your body. I think right now you have so many thing going threw your mind that you aren't sure which way is up or down. I just lost my partner after 25 years from cancer, it has only been 5 months. Each day is pretty hard, but I know that it is going to take some time. It is a long journey but you are not alone. We all will support you. Speaking to a counselor is very important, posting, journaling these are some of things you can do. I recently find myself reading alot, typing letter to her to tell her what I'm feeling this day or the next. You have to be good to yourself, treat yourself with love and respect. We are all human beings and we all make mistakes. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it....... Feel free to reply if I can help you in any way. Love & Peace Deborah

Ann, I want to thank you for your understanding of esophageal cancer. Before Deb had I had Never heard about this type of cancer. I think what really got to me was how fast this cancer got to her. I was so surprise how she could have her first sugery, and not to much longer after that the cancer came back. I was very luckly with hospice, they treated her very well and always kept me in form about her care and what was going on with her. I don't think I would of made it without the spritual support that I received with them. One of the spirtual advisors calls me on a regular basics. She has came out to my home, because right now I'm unable to drive because of the stroke that I had in Feb. The one thing I realized whichI feel was so important during this time was that I never was angery at her, it was the disease that I was angry about. I do agree with you that it is tough, and its hard, the journey of greif. One of the things I realize is we aren't alone, there are many others that are going through greif also. I have learn that when the people tell you "to get it over" they don't have a clue. It is nice when people ask you how your feeling, or what can they do to help. I think this is how we know who our freinds are or not. Debbie

Larrygirl, Thank you for replying to my post. I did work a little bit the house today, so I'm going to go to bed early. I'm not trying to over due, and not wanting to get a second win before I go to bed. So keep your fingers cross, and we will see how it goes, try to have a goodnight. Thanks, Deborah

Marty T, Thank you telling me links I could check out about the sleeping sistuation. I did check a few of them today. It is nice to know that lack of sleep people will go threw, it just takes some time. I'll check the other tomorrow. Debbie