aeval

Trudy, First let me say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you lost you beloved mother, and I'm sorry you have to face this festive season without her. I understand how you're feeling. I have no decorations in my house, not even a tree. I can't even stand to think of the holiday. I was also always in my mom's corner and am facing the possiblity of having dad around for the holidays. (He's laying on a guilt trip, and I lack the backbone to say "no.") I don't know how we're suppose to get through our first Christmas without our moms. This weekend I'm going to my friend's annual party. Last year I took my mom with me. She met many of my friends for the first time. Just sitting around with the same people at the same place, I know I will feel her absence heavily. Not to mention how hard Christmas day with the in-laws will be (she would have been there with us.) This is the first year that I won't be picking out her presents or making a stocking for her. I feel like I need to do something for her/in honor of her but I don't know what. I think your idea for the recipe plate is lovely. What a beautiful memorial to your mom. I hope I think of something to do that's even half that special. I didn't mean to talk about my own stuff so much in this message, but your post really captured a lot of how I'm feeling. Here's hoping we all get through it as best as we can. -Aeval

Thank you all for responding and sharing your own stories. I appreciate having a place to share this part of my grief, as it’s really overwhelming me now. Writing about this has already helped me some. Not only did it allow me to articulate some of how I’m feeling, but also it gave me the opportunity to invite my husband to read what I had written. It’s been hard for me to discuss my grief with anyone, even him. He and I had a very long and tear-filled talk afterward that led to releasing a lot of my pent up emotion. Hopefully it also helped with his grief process, as he and my mother were very close. I’m still trying to figure out how to process everything that’s happened. Just before my trip to see my mom, I lost my pet companion of the last 16 years. I had barely begun to deal with that when my mother fell ill. While mom was in ICU I had to take her furbaby to be put to sleep due to end stage renal failure. Then there were big family issues that came up during all of this, then the loss of mom. I know I’m just beginning my grief work. Paul S: I appreciate all the validating and supporting words you shared. I’m sorry about your own loss. Regardless of her age, I know there is no good time to lose one’s mother and the pain is just as strong no matter when the end-of-life comes. I’m sure the loss of her home and (the yard you worked in) is another grief event for you. You have my best wishes. Shubom: You have my sympathies on the loss of you mom (and of course your father, too). Such a sudden loss must have really shaken you world. It sounds like we have some things in common. Those dreams really are the most frustrating. I think they illustrate how much responsibility we felt for our mothers. Once you start taking care of your mom, it’s hard to stop even when she’s gone. In my dreams I know that she’s already died, but it’s like I have another chance to “get it right this time” even though there was nothing I could have done to change it. Somehow my subconscious mind keeps thinking that I can still take care of her—I can still “fix it”. I was having the dreams every night, but there aren’t as frequent lately. Hopefully they’ll stop all together and I can dream of her in a happier way. Maylissa: Thanks for posting and understanding. I’m so sorry to hear that you didn’t feel that unconditional love from your mother. I empathize with that, from other relationships in my family, but I wish everyone could have at least had it from their moms. I know that’s not always possible, and I’m sure it adds to your grief as you’re not only mourning the loss of what you had with her but also what you didn’t have. I really am sorry. Tootie: I guess we’ll never get passed that “I want my mommy!” feeling. I know I can’t imagine it going away. It’s such a raw emotion. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope Easter isn’t a very difficult time for you this year.

It’s been a month and a half since my mother’s death — a month and a half since I held her hand and kissed her forehead as she took her last breath. I knew that she was so important to me. I knew that I loved her deeply. And still it wasn’t until her death that I realized the scope of it. I loved her so much more than I ever knew. I relied on her so much more than I ever knew. The loss just seems to mount everyday that she’s gone. I miss being able to pick up the phone and tell her about my day and listen about hers. I miss being able to share those little trivial things that just aren’t worth mentioning to most people, but mom would still want to hear them. And I don’t just miss her — I miss being unconditionally loved. I took that for granted. There’s nothing that would have changed her love for me. I could have been the most horrible person in the world and she would have still been in my corner. Now that’s gone. I’m in my thirties but there’s a part of me that has regressed to a six-year-old who just wants to shout, “I want my mommy!” She used to tell me that I was her best friend and her bright and shining light…I just wish I could throw my arms around her and tell her she’s all that and more to me. She was just 60 and I thought I’d have plenty of chances. I was staying with her because she wasn’t feeling well and needed help getting around. I had gone up to take care of her several times before — there was no reason to think it would be different this time. She started to get better. Then one afternoon we were having a chat — everything was normal — and suddenly she got really sick. Next thing I knew I was on the phone to 911. After that my memories are like a surreal film. Before the night was over she didn’t even know who I was. A mysterious infection had just overwhelmed her body. I saw her everyday while she was unconscious in ICU for two horrible weeks before I had to sign the paper for the machines to be removed. I read the 23rd psalm over her from her christening bible and she died shortly after that. I tried to take care of everything she would have wanted me to take care of. I even went to the funeral home and did her hair and make-up for the viewing. And yet I still feel like I didn’t do enough. I have dreams where I’m going through it all over again — trying to find a way to save her, to do better by her. I’m sorry this is such a long and rambling post but I’m really feeling the pain right now. Thank you for reading.

Thank you for posting this. I signed up for the daily newsletter. It looks like something that would really interest me. It should be nice to have a topic sent to me to reflect on each day. I also signed up for the daily CD at their sister site.