lostluv

Mandi, So sorry to hear about your loss. This is a great place for solace. It's such a tragic way to meet such kind people. I too lost my husband of only 5 years to cancer. He had just turned 49 when he passed away 4 mos. ago. It is all too unreal to wrap your head around. I still can't believe that it happened. Things aren't supposed to turn out this way. We are so glad that you posted. Keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing. You are not alone. Thinking of you

Laurie, This has been stressing me out too. My husband loved Halloween. That is also around the time his cancer was diagnosed. He had 5 children from a prior marriage. We always had the youngest. It was always a hastle to try to figure out when the kids would be where. Our house was always the central location for all the extended family, maybe because we tried to pull it together for everyone. Well now that he is gone, I don't know if I will even see any of his kids. I haven't been able to even see the one that I raised for the last 5 years. To all of a sudden not have either my husband or little boy around during this time just seems unbearable. I too thought of running away, but where can you run from this emptyness. Being around other familys seems like it would be torture. I want to decorate out of respect and in memory of him, we loved it so much. He had such an unhappy marriage before, and I had been single for so long. We both just loved doing the traditional family stuff that we had both missed out on. Because we had both missed out on "typical family" stuff, we appreciated it and never took a single thing for granted. No one in the family knows what to do with him gone. His leaving changed the dinamics of the entire extended family. I don't have a clue what to do. All that I know is that I am scared to death!!

We are both tall. He was 6'2" and I am 5'10". That's where any physical similarity ended. He had a long torso, broad chest, little bit of a belly and NO butt. I have long legs, short torso, very small upper body and I have a butt. He was thick and I am thin. We fit very well though. We always held hands. Fit perfectly for hugging and dancing. I always slept with my head on his chest and shoulder, my right arm and leg draped over his body. When he woke up a lot of times his arm would be asleep from my wt. I always told him that he needed to move me if that happened. He said that he didn't want to because, "You look so comfortable." When ever we went to friends etc we always sit next to each other. If there wasn't room for both of us, the other would sit on the floor and lean on the others legs. ALWAYS! Our personalities were very similar.The kind that you never had to explain, because you knew that they got it. We laughed a lot and seldom disagreed. I sure do miss that.

DeeGee, I can certainly understand where you are coming from. Me, if I could go hang out with my sister, I would. I have been really struggling with going back to work. Unfortunitly, I have no choice. I am in the process of negotiating a new job right now. I am scared spitless!!! I hate the thought of starting all over with new people in an unfamiliar environment. I can't remember where I put my car keys or cell phone most of the time, how am I going to remember what the heck I am doing at work and will people who don't know me or my situation be understanding or even get it at all. What if all of a sudden I just start crying out of nowhere? "Everyone" tells me how "good" it will be for me to "get out of the house" and "move on with my life". Who knows, maybe it will be. It doesn't really matter if it is "good" for me or not. If I want to keep my house, I have to make some money. I am so tired of all of the stress of dealing with the mortgage company and all of the creditors. I just want to curl up in a hole and go away. I don't think that there is a right or wrong thing, just what YOU need and what you can realistically do. It sounds like you know what it is that you need, and there is certainly nothing wrong with taking a break if you can do it. I hope all works out the best that it possibly can. Lostluv

Valley, What a touching post. Your husband sounds like a wonderful person. How blessed you are to have had him for 40 years. A year seems like a mountain of time to me right now. I guess that we all climb those mountains a step at a time. I hope that you get joy from your family and your sweet memories. Funny how the very memories that make us smile also bring us to tears. Thank you for sharing this day with us. Love and Prayers, Lostluv

Laurie, I read both your and Teny's posts. Five months or 34 months, we still miss them. I am at 4 mos yesterday. I can't believe that I have gone 4 mos without my husband. Every day it seems so unreal. And yes, people tell me too how good I look and how "well" I seem to be doing. I never really know how to take that. I too believe very strongly that I will be with my husband again. Its the waiting, that is impossible at times. How to fill each impossible minute with purpose...that is the challenge. Heck, to SURVIVE those minutes is a challenge. It's the "aloneness" that I can't excape. Even surrounded with people, I am still alone without him next to me. Tonight I called 4 different people, just to try to drown out this defening silence and emptyness. They were all busy at gatherings etc. I miss him like crazy and I can not wait to see him again. Until then, I take a deep breath and another step...

Amen to you all!!! I read this and don't feel so isolated. So many people try to help. I try to remember that at least they are still here. Some friends and family have told me that they can relate because of a divorce. I have never been divorced myself, but somehow if feel that it isn't really the same. Its "almost" funny some of the comparisons I have heard. I usually manage to keep my sarcasm to myself. My husband was a chiropractor and I managed the office. Sometimes I dread going to the store, never knowing if I will run into that patient that doesn't know or that does and wants to talk. I find myself being very blunt. Just jump in and get it over with. I remember the first outing I had was just a few days after he passed. It was Costco, getting my stepson a book. I didn't know that the membership card had expired. I had to go take another pic. The lady told me that Chris could stop by whenever he wanted for his. I should have let it go. I told her that he had just passed, but if he stopped by have him call me, I'd love to see him. I was still in shock and my strange humor kind of kicks in. The picture of me is awsome. Someone telling you to smile when it is the last thing you want to do. I have never seen such a strange expression in all of my life. Like "Valley", my husband and I always believed that we were going to beat the cancer. Chris would never talk much about any other option. He lived much longer than they expected. We expected more years. Whenever another Dr. would tell me how bleak it was, I would smile and tell them that they didn't know my husband and they didn't know me. I never thought that we would lose. To this day, I still can't accept it. I guess that is typical. I too sometimes fear that I will forget the "details". I was so upset that I hadn't kept a journal during our marriage. There was always going to be time for that later. Now I have a file in my computer that I just write any random memories that come to me. His funny habits, how he liked his sandwiches everything I remember. I remember being freaked out because I hadn't journaled our life, but when I did something so simple as open the fridge, memories of him flooded thru me. Those simple things are some of the things that I write. Sometimes it's painful to remember but good too. I don't want to forget a detail. Thats what I did when he passed away. I studied every finger...every scar....every freckle...somehow trying to sear every detail into my memory. There are so many painful memories of losing him, but there were good things too. I know without a doubt that I would do ANYTHING for my husband. I KNOW how much I love my husband. And just as importantly, my husband had no doubts. I have never loved or been loved so purely. And THAT was stronger than the cancer. The cancer could never over come our love. That is what I will always hold onto. I was blessed. You are all so kind and caring. Thank you all for sharing. (Even hearing others just vent helps)

Hey Everyone, I survived my first day of "boot camp". Heck walking out the door at 5:30 into a unknown situation was an accomplishment. I'm not going to lie...The work out was torture! Not once did I think about how badly I missed Chris.( I've thought about it plenty since then.) Now if I can do it every day for a month.....? Time will tell. Fredzgirl, dancing would probably be a lot more fun and relaxing. Hopefully you will be able to do that when you are ready. My friend across the street came and picked me up or I may not have done it by myself. DeeGee, So sorry to hear about your husband. When my husbsnd passed away I don't even remember if I cried. I went into auto pilot and just kept taking care of everything that had to be done. It took a long time for it to even sink into my numbness. I don't know if it has really sunk in now. I stopped working to stay home and take care of him. Maybe for you, working will keep you busy. Part of me wishes that I had. I guess that we all do what we feel is best at the time. Probably it is and was for the best. Thank you for your feed back about medication. I have been curious about how many who are going thru this use it and some feed back on it. Part of my hang up is that I also lost our insurance during all of this. I'm not "against" it by any means. The work out is free . Both exercise and medication would probably be ideal. Our prayers and thought will be with you this week.

Its me again, I don't even feel like doing THIS. I guess I will try anything to feel a little normal. Whatever that is anymore. I hate having good days and then from nowhere you feel like absolute crap. I woke up at 4 am. I don't even know why. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but I can't stop feeling this pain and emptyness. I made myself shower and get ready for church, but I couldn't make myself walk out the door. So, here I sit in my dress with freshly applied makeup running down my face. I so badly want to do what is right. To keep moving. To not just lay down and let this bone crushing dispair beat me. It makes me so angry and tired. Why can't I just do what needs to be done? Make all of those stupid phone calls that I keep putting off, go to the mail box and face more bad news, face that sea of happy faces with their intact lives. I feel like such a failure. I lost my unborn child. I couldn't help my husband. I lost his son. I lost his buisness. I may lose this house. All of my life I have been told what a strong person I was. I have NEVER quite anything in my life. I am always happy. Why can't I do this better? I don't even feel like I have been able to truely morn for my husband. I have been too busy trying to cope with all of the aftermath. I've always taken care of other people. When my husband got diagnosed with cancer, the nurses told me that I needed to let someone else take on some of his care or I would burn out. I couldn't stop. For two years, I never left his side. I slept in chairs by his bed at hospitals for weeks on end. I changed IVs of chemo. I cleaned up blood, urin, feces, vomit, puss, and sweat. No one else really knows all that he went thru. He didn't like others knowing how sick he was. When he died, I was holding his hand. I was there and helped them put his body in a bag as he left our home. I helped dress his body for burial. I wrote and gave his eulogy at his funeral. I made all the funeral arrangements. When his family bickered over the funeral plans I calmed them down. I never thought twice about any of it, nor do I regret a moment of our time together. I loved my husband more than anything. I promised him that I was with him no matter what, and I was. Now here I am. nothing left to fight for or hold together. I know logically that that isn't true. But everyone is gone and it is just me. I am all that is left. I gave all that I had to give, physically, emotionally and financially. I am waiting for my stuborn streak to surface. To tell me, "Screw it! You can do this." I hate to complain. I am just worn out. I told a friend that I would go to a "fitness Boot Camp" with her. It starts tomorrow at 5:30 am. I will see if I can do it for a month. Maybe it will get some endorphins coursing thru this worn out body. That or kill me...either way its something . Its that or prozac. Not that I am knocking drugs, just thought that I would try physical torture first. Hopefully I will get myself together and do it. Sorry for being such a downer. I know that my situation is no worse than anyone else's here. Just in a mood I guess. Thanks again, for all of your feedback and advice. It does help.

Fredzgirl, First of all...what a beautiful picture! They say a picture is worth a thousand words. What a treasure. Isn't it strange how you think that you are doing so good then "Wham", something comes and knocks your feet out from under you. I spent all of last weekend doing all of my neglected yard work. I mowed, weed whacked, trimmed three trees,and got out the blower and cleaned it all up. Four hours later, I went in my house, sit in the AC with some cold water and started crying. I didn't even open a letter or get a bad phone call. I have no idea why I lost it. Maybe it was the silence...maybe it was doing all the things that we always did together.... Maybe it was that for a while I felt "normal". I don't know. All that I know is that I couldn't stop. I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with hospice. I had my husband in our home the last 6 mos...hospice the last 3-4 weeks. I sometimes got frustrated, but think that is the nature of things. I wanted them there as little as possible. I got tired of people telling me that my husband was going to die any day. But that is just me. I constantly question every decision I ever made concerning his care and all the what ifs. I did get one of those forms to fill out from hospice shortly after my husband passed away. I threw it away. Not out of anger...I just couldn't do it. All that I want is my husband back too. ...even if in a dream. Its been almost 4 mos and I am only recently starting to have dreams with him in it. I am glad to hear that I am not the only one. I felt a lot of guilt about it the first few months. He was all that I thought about...why wasn't he in my dreams. The last dream "that I was able to remember" he asked me to call a dr because he wasn't feeling good. I told him that I would, but then remembered that I already had. I layed down by him in bed and had to tell him what had happened...that we hadn't been able to fix it. I woke up crying. Kind of like I am now just remembering it. Maybe someday all the dreams will be sweet. Thats what I hope for anyway. A day when there are more happy moments than sad. I know that that is what they would want for us too. Thank you for making me feel less alone. I hope that today is better.

Thanks to everyone for your responses. When I first came to this site I took a day just to read. I can't believe how much I cried. It seems that no matter the circumstances, the feelings you are left with are so similar. In so many ways I feel incredibly blessed...but other times so picked on.( for lack of a better word) I had an incredible 5 years with a dream of a husband. I always say that he was everything that I never knew that I needed. How ungrateful I feel for ever feeling sorry for myself. Some people live a lifetime without ever knowing that. But at the same time, it makes the pain of loosing him so unbearable. I look at other couples and I am so grateful for what we had. I always knew it too. It wasn't something that I had to lose to learn. But that is what makes it so painful. Ironic how the very things that brought you so much joy now cause so much pain. Someone earlier was talking about finding some tissues from their husbands pocket. I did that too. they are on my dresser. I can't bear to throw them away. I search frantically thru pockets and wallets for any trace of him. For smells. Kind of grose but I can't bring myself to wash our sheets. I just shower before I go to bed. I've been thinking about that lately.....How do I wash those sheets. I may never. I may just put some new ones on...sometime. I can't throw stuff out of the fridge that only he ate. Thank goodness its things like sweet relish. I broke a vase yesterday that we had bought together. I didn't fall apart. Just wanted to. So Many of you talk about family not being kind to you. That amazes me! I will never understand that. I guess that I understand people avoiding us. I don't like it, but I understand that people are uncomfortable and dont know what to do or say...or it just isn't pleasant. It's easier for them to just pretend it never happened and we are reminders that it did. My husband doesn't have a lot of family left and those dont all get along. He and I were the ones that always tried to keep everyone together. He was the youngest child by 13 years. Both of his parents are gone. A sister had died years ago of the same type of cancer. One sister and one brother remain. They have a very hard time with this loss. He was their baby and their strength. He was the last piece of glue in a crumbling family. The ex wife and one of the step children are quite rude to me. I guess that I can deal with that....on most days. The ex holds my stepson ransom. She constantly wants things from the house or I wont get to see him. I refuse to be blackmailed...so I don't get to see him much. Don't get me wrong, I would give her every stick of furniture in my house for my stepson...I wouldnt bat an eye. I just know it would never be enough. Funny how much perspectives change. Things are just "things" to me. (Except things that remind me of my husband) But I would walk away from every single thing to have my husband back. I am rambling...But it is good and so sad to know that their are others that get it. Thanks again

Hi Everyone, I don't really know what I am doing. I have read many of your post and cried a lot. I am amazed at how similar the emotions are. My husband died May 5 of this year. He battled cancer for almost 2 yrs. He was amazing. He never once complained. I can't believe it has been almost 4 mos. We were married for five years and never spent a night apart. We spent every second together. We worked together. we even went to the gas station together. I waited to marry until I found the right guy. Everyone tells me that I am still young and will love again. I hate that. I live alone in a big empty silent house. I remember how I used to long for a little alone time. We didn't have children together, but my husband had 5 from another marriage. We raised his youngest. He was 7 when we got together and 13 when my husband died. The biological mother never had much to do with him before, but took him as soon as my husband died. Now she doesn't let me see him. We also lost a child in my second trimester just a few months before my husbands diagnosis. My mother in law passed away a few weeks before my husband was diagnosed. We were also self employed, and have pretty much lost that. We didn't have life insurance. I am left with a mountain of bills and responsibility and no idea of how to breath much less all the junk that I have to wade thru. I feel like I moved into my husbands world and left mine behind. Now that he is gone, I don't know where I belong anymore. I hate that. He always told me that his friends and family would take care of me. I know that everyone had good intentions.....but.....I cry and scream all alone in a big empty house and stare at the phone wondering who I can call that will answer or wont be too busy with their own family. When I do break down to call someone, no one answers or returns the call. There are a couple people who are good, but don't want to wear out my welcome. A grief therapist asked me to write down what I did for my "physical" needs. I wrote, Eat, sleep, shower, breath and repeat. Not always as easy as it sounds. I told her that my mind was gone. I forget everything. I speak in charades. I no longer have a vocabulary at my disposal. I have lost everything that I touch. Someone used my wedding pictures that were on a disk for the funeral. I know that they gave it back to me. I have torn the house apart. I can't find them anywhere. That about sent me over the edge. The therapist said that this process usually takes about 3 yrs. How do you survive 3 yrs of this!! Every single thing I do reminds me of him and how much I miss him. I hate always feeling like I am going to cry, but do I want to be "happy" without him. I could go on forever... It is comforting to know that others understand, but incredibley sad too. Thanks for sharing your journeys

Hi, I'm new at this. My husband of five years passed away on May 5 of this year. Everyone tells me that it will get easier, but so far it is harder every day. I have read a few of the posts on this site and its amazing how similar all of the emotions and experiences are to my own. Feeling lost, confused, scared, abandoned and such unbearable grief. On top of all of that, life goes on and so do the bills. I feel overwhelmed with it all and it seems like you are all by yourself. All of the people who promised you that they would be there have disapeared back into their own safe worlds. I guess in a way, I can't blame them for that. I wish that I could disapear into a safe world too. My husband didn't have life insurance, so I am left with a mountain of bills and no motivation to do all that I have been left to do.