lucidsaint

Hello April. Its weird that today I was sharing with a friend something I posted here then I get the email that you added me. I havent been on here in a while. I cried when I read your post. Hard! I cant imagine that much loss in that amount of time april! I would have just lost it and been no good to the world. But you keep going. Thats awesome! We have similar stories of our lost ones. My cousin I mentioned losing was killed and left to die in a parking lot. No one should die in a parking lot or on the road. As far as our moms go its been 20 years since this old man lost his. I can still cry at any moment given the right memory of my momma. Just like I cried when.i was 11. We never get over it. We just kinda learn how to carry the heartbreak better and not be so confused all the time. And sometimes share with others like right here. And be here for others as well.

Debbie, thank you for your condolences. Mine are sent out to you as well. Wishing for breaks of contentment and peace during these times.

It's been around a month since my big brother passed away due to many health problems. Being only forty and his health rapidly regressing and leading to a coma right before his death makes this loss of mine that much harder to deal with. He wasn't my biological brother but I've known him since the age of 6 and, since then, as the years went by he became my brother and best friend. No one could tell us that we were anything different. Unfortunately, I am no stranger to loss. My mother passed away when I was 11, my cousin (whom I also looked up to as a big brother) was murdered in 02 and a very dear friend died in a traffic accident 2 years ago. So I've had my share of loss and turmoil that I had to deal with and work through to get to a point where I can lead somewhat of a normal life. I think I've faired well considering my circumstances and have become one that has not been burned but refined as person coming out of those fires. In fact I have been known to be the friend that one would go to when listening and advice is needed. But losing my brother is quickly feeling like a torpedo hit to my achilles heal. I'm losing my mind right now. It's been a month and I still can hardly sleep or eat. When I think I'm getting better and feel like I'm making progress in dealing with my loss it seems like I just take 5 steps back. Things are happening to me that have never happened with any other loss of mine. I see him in the corner of my eye on every other face on the streets. As him and I were huge concert goers, I attended one by myself to get my mind off things (something I believe he would have encouraged me to do) but had an episode during the middle of a show. I was enjoying myself and the music when, all of a sudden, I break into tears for no reason and have to run out of the venue. I have never done anything like that in my life. I cant even begin to describe the details and explicitness of the nightmares. Some are of me in the hospital room with him in a coma and the nurses unplugging all the machines and saying he was gone while he was clearly still breathing. Another one was of myself being in a coma but being able to hear all the talk in the room not being able to respond to it. But the dream that killed me was when he called me after he was dead. I was so glad to hear his voice and be able to have the goodbye that never happened but when I talked to him he couldnt hear my voice and we lost connection. As I said he was my brother, my best friend, my partner in crime, my spirtual co-pilot, my somtimes little brother haha. In general he was the only person I've ever known who perceived this whole world and existence the under the same candle light that i do. This is just me telling my story. I am new to this. I've never joined any forum or group like this in the past ever. Just thought I would give this a try. If you have taken the time to read this all the way through thanks for doing so. All comments, advice and opinions will be greatly appreciated.