MdmesX

While I manage to maintain composure most of the time, I have break downs.. like the one tonight. I was going through some baby clothes a friend had given to my daughter, Anna (yay!). I pulled out a cute t-shirt which read 'I'm a little sister'. My first thought was that she could never wear it, b/c she's an only child. Then the icy cold wretched reality hit me. Yes. Anna can wear that shirt, b/c she is actually a little sister to Gloria. You see, Gloria was so disabled at birth, I couldn't begin to take care of her many many needs. It was financially and physically impossible. Gloria now lives with her (foster) mother who is also an RN and fosters lots of other special needs children. I still miss her immensely - especially now that a silly toddler's t-shirt triggered this sort of emotional response. I wish to God things could be different. I wish I had the resources to raise Gloria and she would be living with us now. I miss her sweet sweet smile. I wish I could comfort her during one of her seizures or medical procedures. Life can be so cruel. I worry about her everyday. She's almost 3.5 yrs old. Anna is only 1.5 yrs, but how in the world do I tell Anna about her older sibling?? I'm sorry to ramble on and on, but missing my little Gloria Sunshine is so painful sometimes. I should have thrown caution to the wind and tried to care for Gloria myself. Only then, I would not feel guilty. I wouldn't feel an empty place in my heart. I would not worry about whether she gets enough love or if she's in pain. Gloria would have suffered though. I had to think of her best interest not mine. Somebody please tell me theyve gone through the same emotional battles. Somebody please tell me it get's better. I still can NOT find meaning (the reason) why it had to be like thisfor Gloria and me. Why? Why? Why.

My sister has been a heavy user of heavy drugs for years. She disappears for months at a time. No one in my family knows if she's alive. I wish I could get back my younger sister. We had some great times together and I love her with all my heart. I miss having a sister to laugh with, a sister to confide in, a sister who understands me, a sister who cares about me (other than simply herself). I'm sad for her and me and my family.

My daughter Gloria was also diagnosed as IUGR 1 wk before my due date. She didn't handle even mild contractions well. I had to have an emergency c-section, but it was too late. Her little brain had sustained too much damage (no O2 for toooooo long). I'm curious why the OB didn't test for trisomy 18 for your baby. I think that test is done at around 20 wks ? ? I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you and your family. I imagine the grief is beyond measure. And you may be struggling to find meaning in it all. It has taken me years to find some kind of 'meaning' of why this happened to me and an innocent little baby. Remember it's ok to grieve. It's ok to grieve in any way you feel is necessary. Just try not to focus 24/7 on what has happened. I did that and , boy, it made my life feel somewhat nightmarish. My experience with grief is it will never go away. Grief is like a wound. I'll always have a scar, but it won't hurt as much after a few years. Make sure you have good POSITIVE support around you at all times. Remember not to feel guilty for any of this. It is NOT your fault. Anyway, hope my ramblings helped a little. You're in my prayers.

Thank you for sharing about your daughter. It's tough stuff you've experienced. Serenity was beautiful.

Today's her b'day. She's 3 yrs old. Gloria's my 1st daughter. She was born severely handicapped b/c her OB/ birth hospital didn't follow standards of care. The adoptive couple I chose prior to her birth backed out of the adoption once they heard the news. Gloria lives with a foster mother. I was not able to take care of her vast needs. I mistakenly terminated my parental rights a yr ago, so I am not able to see her or know how she's doing. I am a responsible person. Every decision I made was always in (what I thought was/ told was) her best interests. I love her and miss her terribly. Gloria is an absolutely beautiful little girl. The last time I saw her, she was smiling and seated in a little wheel chair. I gave her a kiss on her cheek. Gloria was born with HIE (hypoxic ischemic encephalopothy). Her brain didn't get enough O2 and parts of it died. She is basically blind, hears very little, has Cerebral Palsy, seizures, feeding tube... the list goes on and on. Many people don't understand the utter depth of this kind of ambiguous loss unless they've experience it first-hand. Thinking about what happened is soooooooooooo painful. I love Gloria so much and I wish I could have raised her everyday of my life. I worry about her. I hope that she's happy and well cared for. So many people (I trusted) to do their jobs as prescribed by law or oath, failed Gloria and me - OB's, attorney, DFCS. I've written state/ government officials, news agencies, talk show hosts about Gloria's plight. People tell me to 'get an attorney'. I am not wealthy or famous, so no one wanted to help. Family members & my husband tell me to 'get over it' or 'I don't want to hear it'. I cry as quietly as I can by myself. Today's the only day it's considered acceptable to cry openly and talk about the pain a little bit. I've asked the questions.. How could God let this (continue to) happen to a little baby?? What could I have done differently?? How do I begin to say goodbye to her when I know she's still alive somewhere?? Why can people get away with (what is basically) murder?? When will the intense pain ease up a little for me?? Can I ever see my little Gloria again?? How could a caring God allow this to happen to my little girl??!! I love you, Gloria. I did the best I could for you. May God, your foster mother, & others keep you happy & healthy as long as you live. I can't write anymore now, it's too painful.