Chagrin

Thank you all. I have thought about counseling for myself... my work actually has a program where I may attend three free counseling sessions and then they can refer me to someone who takes my insurance. I mean, what do I have to lose? I can bring up the idea to my mom, but as was mentioned, I don't know that she would be open to it... I had applied for a promotion at my work and I found out yesterday that I did, in fact, receive the promotion. Seeking the approval of my parents, I called my mother to tell her the news. I told her, and she said she's happy for me... however, the conversation quickly shifted back to her and her new relationship and how they are going camping about 10 hours away this weekend. She talked about how much better he is than my dad ever was... how attentive he is, how he really cares about her and how he feels, and how my dad never gave a darn about what she wanted. I quickly ended the conversation. It was sad, because I was looking to renew a connection with her by calling her to tell her about my good news, and she really just blew me off completely. *shrug* I have to just remember that regardless of her actions, this is about myself, my life, my future, and my grief, and I cannot allow her decisions to affect any of these. Easier said than done, but I know it has to be that way, until something gives. About my friend giving me her "updates" - I did mention to her that I'd rather not hear this. She completely understands, and said she was doing it because she felt I had the right to know. I respect her reason for doing so, and she respects that I no longer wish to receive such information. I thought maybe I could share a picture of a memorial shadow box I have made... this piece gives me much comfort and peace, and I know that I made it with nothing but love in my heart, and it radiates such positive energy.

This is so weird, but I feel like it's okay to type it here since the topic is up - but I used to look at the tabloids to see Patrick Swayze's pictures so I could compare them to my dad's pictures and try to figure out how sick my dad really was. Isn't that messed up? I can't tell anyone else that... but it feels good to actually say it "out loud", so to speak.

Thanks again for your replies. And Cubby, I know what you mean. I haven't gotten to the point where I am grateful for this man being there for my mom, because I really don't know his motives and at this point I can really only assume the worst about him. I am a guarded person and I do not want to give him the benefit of the doubt in case I am wrong. I know this is a family forum so I will refrain from writing a graphic description, but long story short, I did not have an easy night last night. My best friend texted me and said she was at the tavern and she saw my mom there with her boyfriend, and that they were doing things that are NOT appropriate to do in public, and they were being very obvious with their affection, and that they were also very noticeably intoxicated. My father died of cirrhosis of the liver, so it upsets me that she feels the need to get drunk, knowing alcohol is what lead to my father's death. I had been doing well realizing that I can't change my mom and I need to concentrate on myself and on my grieving process, and I had been taking it day by day and doing better for a few days, but I feel like after my friend told me that, that I've lost all the ground I had made. I knew it was happening, but to hear about someone who saw it first hand makes it very hard. My mom hasn't contacted me in over a week. I used to see her several times a week, we'd talk on the phone almost every day, and we texted multiple times throughout the day... now, it's like she's forgotten about both my dad and I. I feel like my dad and I have just been pushed out of this new life she's living. I know it's not fair of me to make assumptions about her grief, but I can't help but having the feeling that she's "over" him, which is very sad. I really can't help but feel like she was over him right away, seeing as she took off her wedding ring almost immediately. Anyhow, my logical side knows I can't be putting my own assumptions on people, because it's not fair, and I can't judge the way she grieves... but, that's my logical side, not my emotional side, and right now my emotional side has very much so taken over my head. I am hurt for several reasons... she's just not at all the same person she was just a few short months ago. I've lost my mother and my father. I'm an adult now (24) so it's not like I "need" my parents around, and I'm trying to remember that I can take care of myself, but I feel very alone without my parents. You guys are really the best for letting me just ramble and rant... You can't even imagine how much your replies comfort me. I feel like there really is someone out there who is taking the time to listen to me, and it is truly a great feeling.

You guys are great... I'm trying to hold back the tears reading your replies... but they're not bad tears, they're tears of relief from people who I feel understand. I am letting her actions disrupt my grieving process, which I know I shouldn't do... but it has, and that makes it all the more difficult. I don't feel like I can sit with her and discuss my dad with her because she never even brings him up anymore. It's like he didn't even exist, and he hasn't even been gone 3 months yet! She finally just went to get his ashes this last week. I'm relieved that I at least have his ashes now. I've also made a couple of things, one of which is a shadow box with a flower from his casket spray, and the ribbon that says "Father", and a ladybug toy he gave me the last time I saw him conscious, and some pictures. Just having that box, and the ashes, make me feel better. I just hate the fact that I feel like I'm grieving alone now, when I kind of felt like my mother and I would grieve together. Anyhow... thanks everyone for your responses - it makes me feel much less lonely.

Thank you. I'm really not the type of person to spy around on people, and I know this is no excuse, but I did it mostly out of concern. She wasn't telling me the truth, so I did what I felt like I had to do to find out the truth. Of course, this is no excuse --- I shouldn't have done it, regardless. I just want to hear that I'm right and she's wrong... though I know that's likely not the truth, but it is certainly what I see. I feel like she has moved on and forgotten everything which is important. She forgot about my dad, and now she's forgotten about me. Thanks for your reply - It is much appreciated.

First of all, I want to say that this is just all from my perspective, and that I don't feel as though I have the right to tell anyone what to do, and I am not trying to judge anyone's decisions. This is just me talking about how I feel about the situation, and my opinions as an involved participant. That being said... My dad died in June. Everyone gathered around my mom because she is still very young, and they didn't know how she's cope. Well, surprisingly, she coped seemingly pretty well, and everyone was happy. I recently found out why... she's been seeing this guy since my dad died. I don't know this guy. I don't know how they met, or when they met. I know that he didn't know my dad and he didn't come to the funeral, so he obviously wasn't some close friend. I looked on my mom's social networking account, and found that she has been talking to this guy for a while, and that they've been pretty much hiding it from the family, but that all their friends know. They wrote some pretty nasty things about me, such as talking about how bad it would be if I found out, but how funny it would be too. They are clearly having a blast trying to sneak around behind my back. It shows a total disregard for how I might feel about the situation. I never said that I want my mom to ask permission to start dating, but I think I have a right to be upset about how she's gone about this. I know everyone grieves differently, and it's not fair to me to say "it's too soon", but guess what? I think it's too soon! And, I think the whole way she is being sneaky is very suspicious. There's something very wrong with the whole situation. This guy just shows up out of the woodwork, and all the sudden my mom is head over heels in love with him. Is she doing this because she is still in shock over the loss and doesn't want to be alone? Is she hiding it from us because she is scared of our disapproval? Is this normal behavior at all to be doing so soon? Just looking for answers, or for someone to tell me I'm allowed to feel angry. Thanks.