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PaulaB.

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    39
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  • Date of Death
    6/21/2009
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Sherman House, Phoenix, AZ

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  • Location (city, state)
    Phoenix, AZ
  1. Walt, Thank you for sharing this. My family goes way, way back all the way to the Revolutionary War. Between my family and my related family we have not missed being in a single war for freedom! Paula
  2. Thank you all of you for your support. Update the address book and the phone is right! Paula =)
  3. When Tom passed, I really thought that some things would remain the same such as friends and family relationships. I am now realizing that this is so far from the reality of the situation. His family doesn't talk or correspond to me anymore. That ended about a month and half ago. His friends are beginning to disappear, too. I think that the only thing that I can do for myself now is to re-evaluate all of these peoples impact on my life while knowing Tom. There are a very few friends that are true and I believe that they will continue to be. I spent so much time making sure that the family and friends had the material things that they wanted from Tom. What a waste of time. I didn't want to offend anyone. I always said yes. Tom's death taught me an awful lot about people and who they truly are in the long run. I will be forever grateful to him for that. No more shipping stuff back east to his family, no more worrying about how his friends view me. I'm done. I have never known this many sorry souls in my whole life. And the family and friends both bicker among themselves. Life is just too short for that and I don't want to be a part of it. I didn't fail. I just see and want something else in my life. I want peace here on earth. Paula
  4. After watching/experiencing Tom literally waste away from Esphogeal cancer for over a year and his living hell, I was praying to God to take him out of his pain and his misery. It's the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed in my life. "Give me the Mack truck"... I was so grateful when God took him. Tom is free! Free of pain, free of chemo and radiation, free of the feeding tube. He was skin and bones when he died. It was horrible. He couldn't walk, he couldn't eat, he just waited to die. He knew he was going to and he was very brave and I am forever grateful to have known him and shared life with him. And I am very grateful that Tom is at peace. Paula
  5. Ted, I looked up the song and it's very powerful. I watched Pulp Fiction once, it really bothered me and I didn't put it on my favorites list. I think when someone passes that we loved we can't beat ourselves up about "could have, should have, would haves". We all make mistakes. That's part of what life is all about. The important thing is "What did we learn?" and we move on as we stumble along the road of life. Be good to yourself. Paula
  6. Tom wanted to be cremated. Through Hospice of the Valley Tom was able to find out about the Biological Resource Center here in the valley of Phoenix, AZ. Tom was a very giving person and he was so worried that he wouldn't be able to donate his body to science because of his cancer. Through this center his tissues will be used for cancer research. Even in his death, Tom is still helping someone here. He told me "Even if I can help just one person, it's worth it". God bless him for being so selfless. Paula
  7. Ted, Some days just knock the wind right out of your sails and sometimes it can be over something really small, but it strikes a cord that resonates through your whole being. Take care of yourself. Paula
  8. Thank you all for your support. Today was a totally different day. I'm still frustrated, but I feel more at ease for some reason. Maybe it's because I vented here yesterday and your kind words. This is definately the best place for me to be right now. No one else understands a lot of what I am going through, but you all do. Thank you! Paula
  9. Everything seems to be so drawn out and so difficult. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and some days I just want to get in my car and drive as far away as possible and never look back. I feel like I am living Tom's life more than my own and it's making me feel uncomfortable. I don't like it. I keep running up against people and problems with his estate. I have not been able to regroup from his passing and I am so tired. I am not getting enough and very little help from his friends and none from his family. I am almost at the point of telling his family "I give up". I am tired of worrying about his family and his friends. I just want to move on with my life. I want to move out of this house and start fresh and I have to wait another couple of months to even do that. Paula
  10. Lucia, Sometimes when life rains on us, it just plain pours buckets of pain. Be strong and my prayers are with you. Paula
  11. For me.... I understand where you're coming from. I lost my Tom almost 4 months ago and some days, it seems like yesterday. One thing that I am learning is that none of my friends or family understand my personal pain nor do I understand theirs. I expected that they would for some strange reason in my mind. I also expected other people to understand, but they don't and they can't unless they have actually walked this road. In that respect, I have learned many things about this lonely journey. I'm moving past the "Why" about this one and I think it has to do with my previous losses and my learning to not ask that over the past few years. All of the losses are different, but it's kind of like a ladder for me. I don't know if it works that way for everyone, but it's the way it's worked out for me. One step at a time... Insensitive people are just that; insensitive and I don't even try to understand them. I used to, but I don't anymore. Paula
  12. I think whatever helps you at the time is the most important thing. It really doesn't matter where or who it came from. It may seem unimportant to someone else, but it may mean the world to you, and that's all that really matters right now.
  13. I cleaned out the garden shed today. This is a small task compared to my cleaning out the 30x40 ft. garage full of Tom's tools and personality which I have not even begun. I found a surprise in the garden shed from Tom. It was a oil lamp holder that he had made out of steel for oil lamps that he bought 2 years ago. He had made them for all of our friends and he was so proud of them. Spray painted them black. Finding that made my heart sing and brought me back to a happy time together. An oil lamp was there, too. I put it back in the garden shed for now; it's something that I want to keep. I don't need 4 pix-axes and at least that many shovels. I am finding that the more that I face his things and make decisions about them the lighter my heart feels. For me now, a lot of his things are just things. It's just "stuff". They are not Tom. For me Tom's most precious things, I hold in my heart forever. Paula
  14. I would hold Tom's hands as tight as I could and look into his very blue eyes. I would touch his cheek and be grateful that I had 5 minutes of heaven on earth. Paula
  15. Thank you so much for your support!!! I was kind of worried about posting this topic. I have to move forward. I don't know where I or my daughter will live in a very few months because of the estate issues. I'm having a yard sale here tomorrow morning, "bright and early". Tom would be so proud of me. I couldn't figure out how to hang mine and my daughter's clothes. So, I took two ladders of the same size and a metal closet rod out of the office closet which is the biggest closet and a couple of bungee cords and it worked! I have 8 feet of hanging space! And I didn't use any duct tape! My whole life got re-arranged when Tom passed away. Everything I was counting on was gone. The rug got pulled out from under me. I have to make the most of the doormats... I saw the one of the most incredible movies last night. I do Netflix; I love movies. The movie's called "Young @ Heart". I cried "buckets of tears" and I smiled and I cried again. It's an incredible film. It gave me a lot of strength about looking towards the future and making the most of it. Paula
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