On a much deserved holiday to disney, my wife and three kids enjoyed the day at disney. I lived vicariously through them this time staying back in New York. The following day I got the phone call every parent dreads. My wife, a physician, was poolside trying desperately to get even a single breath into our little one. She had been in a rather small pool area with three other adults. A shouting man distracted everyone for several seconds. Sadly, it was then that our little one, usually afraid of the water, became emboldened and lept in. In seconds, she was lifted out. My wife was on hand falling back on her training. My daughter would have had a fighting chance had she not also vomited. Precious seconds turned to minutes. Now, five days later, I attended my own childs wake. My children alternate between play and episodes of crying. I am awoken at night by my hysterical wife who is trying to resuscitate me and babbling incoherently. Her mother and friend, also on hand, blame themselves. I wander about aimlessly, feeling waves of searing pain rip at me, followed by numbness and ambivalence that although less painful, make me feel guilty for having apparently already forgotten my baby. Numerous people come by to show their support. And while their display of affection is appreciated on one level, on another, I cannot help but wish they would go away and leave us to our private hell. A neighbor meaning to help, confides that she too lost a child. She notes that the pain is nearly as fresh for her nine years later. I shudder. Tomorrow I must read a eulogy that ends with the line, "good bye". My only hope is that I may gain hope. Hope from those that have been down this darkest of paths, and have emerged to live again. I would welcome any thoughts about this feeling of numbness with intermittent pain. How long did it last? I feel in my gut that the worst is yet to come. I'm waiting for a reply from Compassionate Friends, and each of us has begun a journal of thoughts. We have bought the children a toy chest to collect some things that were important to them. I read books on losing a child in what feels like a feeble effort to empower myself. I provide extra time and support to my surviving children and have considered grief counseling. And with that, I offer thanks for providing a forum for those who have walked this path and ask for any other suggestions.
