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Susie Q

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About Susie Q

  • Birthday 10/21/1952

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    2009
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Sydney, Australia
  1. It's been a while since I posted but I am still a frequent visitor because this site is so full of comfort and support. The topic is an important one and since it's been nearly three years since I lost my husband, I guess I have some experience that I'd like to share. For a very long time I felt like I had completely lost, with his death, whatever essence there was of us, but also, frighteningly, the essence of me. I wasn't interested in anything or anyone, and really felt insignificant, even invisible, although I tried my very best not to communicate that. I made myself do things after about five months just bcause I knew I should. I didn't have the energy or the motivation to try to 'recover' because I didn't see that it could ever be possible. Somehow, and I can't say when, I started to feel that I was getting back the 'me' that he loved. The one that thinks all life mattered, even a bruised and battered life like mine. The me that thinks there are small things that I can do to make others feel better, despite my pain. I'm not bubbling with happiness like I once was, but I know that I've reached a turning point and that I can survive this emotional trainwreck.I am forever changed but having gotten to this point I can see clearly that even without him, I do matter. Maybe we all need the time to rediscover our centre, before we can see our effect on others as positive. Time doesn't really heal, it just gives us back the ability to see beyond ourselves again.....Susie Q
  2. Yes, I've always liked and needed alone-time, but that was in the context of sharing a busy and meaningful life with someone that I loved deeply. Now, without him, I find myself in a life with no context even though everything I loved to do, the people I loved to see, the interests I was addicted to, are all still there. I am busy most days if I wish to be, I laugh with friends, I contribute to the community again and I enjoy some activities. But I don't have a sense that anything I do now intrinsically MATTERS. It's not about being alone, it's more about being uncentred, ungrounded, disconnected etc. That's why mixing with people, having hobbies, helping others etc fills in time but doesn't necessarily help with these feelings we are trying to describe. Will it go away in time? Maybe, but I have my doubts. I'm starting to accept it as the way of my new world....Susie Q
  3. Hello Lina I too, lost my husband suddenly - one normal evening after dinner, in fact. It is hard to explain to anyone else, the utter disbelief that lasts for a long, long time. I knew on an intellectual level that he was gone, but I couldn't believe it for about a year. I would sit lost in time for hours just trying to comprehend that this could be real. What happens is that your body and mind just expects him to be there, and it takes time for the new pattern/routine to take hold. After a long time, you come not to expect him to greet you, answer the phone, come through the door etc. Having said that, I also still reach for the phone to call him, think 'I can't wait to tell him about....", see something in the shop and consider buying it for him for a fleeting second.That usually results in a crushing wave of sadness all over again. Yes, this is something that will not go away quickly - why would it? Just try and roll with it. The longing to have it be not real is probably our mind's way of thinking and then coming to terms with the unthinkable.
  4. Melina I know what you mean and how you feel. My philosophy is that I just have to keep trying for the long haul. When I feel like 'giving up', I do. Somehow the will to have another go, returns eventually. I hope that tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that, you will have restored enough emotional energy to feel like it is worth the effort again. Coping and striving to be strong and positive all the time is entirely over-rated in my opinion. It's just not me. It has to be at my pace, in my time, because it's my recovery. xxxx
  5. Yes Marty. have a wonderful day with those that you love xxxx Susie Q
  6. A meaningful purpose in life now - that's the big question that we all seem to be grappling with. Just knowing that all you capable and articulate people feel the same way, helps takes the stress for me out of trying to find the answer today. At two and a half years without my husband, I probably appear to everyone else now like I'm doing really well. I don't cry in front of them anymore, I say yes when social things come up and I can participate in the range of activities that used to fill my life before. What they don't see is that I smile not laugh, that I have good days but never great ones, that I feel like I'm on a never ending timeline of just doing - without ever feeling like I'm achieving anything important anymore. Then again - I am smiling, having good days and doing stuff. So that's 'moving forward' and they are things that I never thought I'd do again,so perhaps hope is the best thing with which to medicate myself. We always had a plan and we worked together to get what we wanted from life. I decided at about six months when I started to be able to think again a little, that I would try to put additional goals in place every 6 months. It's what he would be telling me to do. Here is how my cumulative 6 month goals have gone so far: 6 -12 months without him: Survive each day, go back to work DONE 12-18 months without him: Participate in activities that I/we once enjoyed esp family events DONE 18-24 months without him: Get more exercise by attending the gym, retire from work DONE 24-30 months without him: Focus on diet and personal fitness, holiday with friends DONE 30-36 months without him: Decide on future living arrangements (apartment vs smaller house etc) IN PROGRESS It sounds mechanical and some days it was just about getting up and having another go - believe me there have been lots of blood sweat and tears behind achieving every goal. But it's uplifting to see that I have actually achieved heaps and have moved from a shocked and devastated state to being at least somewhat in control. I'll definitely check out Marty's articles - they are all headings that I have wanted to Google!! A long answer, but I guess what I wanted to say is that, over time, the real us will probably re-emerge in some shape - changed but at least OK...Susie Q
  7. Just the thought of facing that with my soon-to-be 17 yr old cat, Minnie,is almost too hard to imagine.If I had to give my life now a title, I'd call it Bearing the Unbearable. Mary, you put yourself knowingly through a lot of pain to help someone else - that's the definition of selflessness. I am lucky enough to have friends like you and you can rest assured that your kindness will never be forgotten....Susie Q
  8. I don't believe I'll ever again know happiness as it was. I can enjoy myself, but the 'all is right within my world' feeling will never be a reality again. I have days where I carry the pain, but I cope, and other days where I am just a mess inside and don't really function. I seem to be able now to 'timetable' the meltdown days - maybe they are just the days that I let it all happen without a fight. Can't really get a grip on a future - I'm just existing and getting up every day to have another go...Susie Q
  9. You are right, Harry. Today, I told someone, in answer to their question, that I feel 'good'. Haven't said that in 29 months. And what is more,I really meant it as far as it relates to my physical wellbeing. Still working towards 'really good' or 'great', and doubt I'll ever get close to what was my usual 'fantastic' but it's a start...Susie Q
  10. I remember having to concentrate really hard for a very long time in that first year on trying to stop words coming out of mouth that would have been hurtful, inconsiderate, selfish etc. Lack of sleep, pain, emotional drain, self-focus made it very hard to see beyond my own needs. I got through those times relatively unscathed but perhaps she just let her guard down a little when you met unexpectedly and that's what you got. Don't let that comment affect you. You are entitled to feel all the negatives that come with this territory and anyone with compassion or experience of this nightmare will understand that sometimes you need to have a sounding board to unload it all onto. Sharing - yes; giving and receiving mutual support - yes. Whining - never.
  11. Susan Welcome to this group of wise and caring people who can lift your spirits and give you hope when you have exhausted all of your own. Just knowing that somehow I will survive this from those who have been here longer has been a great gift. My husband was 10yrs older than me, and although the chances were that I would be the one left, the lifetime we spent together was worth this pain. Just so hard to bear now, of course. Somehow the constantly overwhelming days become reasonably manageable ones with most intense grief periods controlled to private times. The transition is a slow process but it does happen. People move on and expect you to do the same. You never do, but you get better at playing the part. I wish you some comfort - I remember just sitting for hours at a time in those first six months, crying and thinking.
  12. You are right about feeling overwhelmed just trying to come to terms with the reality of it being 'I' not 'we'. I haven't been able to grasp that fully yet, even though I am making decisions and plans for the future out of necessity. From what you have shared with us here, so honestly, your first priority must be to look after yourself now. The loss of my husband of 32 years, just 2.5 years ago was sudden (4 days), and so totally unexpected that it left me adrift for many months. The greatest help has been for me over this last 12 months to concentrate on my wellbeing, specifically getting some exercise and ensuring my diet is good. I feel better, am starting to be able to sleep more and am able to face the days, both good and bad, much more confidently. Still working on acceptance, emotional stability and doing what Kayc calls 'learning to carry him in my heart'. I am an imperfect work in progress. My best wishes to you and I hope you do continue to post here...Susie Q
  13. Dear Raz Of course you yearn for your husband and your life back. I will be brutally honest and tell you that those feelings won't go away soon, if at all, but slowly you will be better able to manage the raw pain you feel now. I understand when you say you have great support but it doesn't feel enough. You can be alone and still in despair while surrounded by loving and caring family and friends. That's one of the terrible contradictions of this state we find ourselves in. What I do know is that you are not a burden to those that care about you. Many will say and do upsetting things, just because they don't know how to best deal with the trauma you are in. The most important thing is that, at this time, you do what is best for you. Take the advice you feel comfortable with but follow your instincts on anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed (like 'you should.....; you'll feel better if....; your husband would want you to....) There is no timeline for moving his things. For me, I needed to quickly put away things that were in public areas of the house - just too upsetting when people were there, but I have left upstairs the way it was because it gives me comfort. At 2.5 years I still have his shirts hanging in the wardrobe and clothes in his drawers. I'm getting close to dealing with them now, but still not yet. People here understand that a few months is nothing and can help you with the day to day feelings that surface. Keep posting...Susie Q
  14. Dear Dwayne Lots of good advice above. All I can add is that it takes a lot of emotional energy to stay positive all the time. I think it's more than OK to feel down, depressed, sad, teary, low on energy, unmotivated, lacking concentration, lonely etc etc etc. What human being who loved someone deeply and lost them wouldn't feel that way from time to time? Give yourself permission to let your guard down just a little - I feel it makes me stronger in the end....Susie Q
  15. Yes, we grieve the loss of something special that touched our hearts and souls deeply. I understand that's why it IS such a momentous grief, otherwise we'd handle it better/faster/easier/less painfully. As Kay said, it makes it so very much harder to lose but so wonderful to have had. I read yesterday on another site, a piece that contained some words that really hit me hard. It said 'We loved for a lifetime - not my lifetime, but his'. It gave me some peace, understanding deeply, that for all of his adult time on this earth, it was a wonderful love and that it made him a happy and fulfilled man. It also helped put the time I have left in perspective for me. That, as much as I don't want it to be true, fate would have it that our love was to be only a part of my lifetime, and somehow I should seek to live the rest of it with the same sense of fulfilment, whatever that entails. I also know that is what he would want, above all else. Not a resolution as yet, but maybe the seeds of one...Susie Q
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