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Southern Girl

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  1. Its almost three in the morning and I find myself thinking of my father. Yesturday made two years since he passed away and Honestly it wass hard going through the day. I was a mess, emotional and couldnt help but feel alone. Its like one day you wake you up and you realize they are really gone, you realize your never gonna hug them again.. never gonna hear their laugh. I miss your jokes dad. I miss you telling me to change the oil in my car, and you telling me I was your baby girl. I wonder if Im making you proud and if you see your one and only grandson down here on earth. He looks just like you.. Everytime people see him thats the first thing they say, and It only makes me wish even more you could have met him. He made one last month and I know if you were there you would have held him and hugged him and you wouldnt have even thought twice on letting him put his fingers in the cake. Dad Im sorry. Im sorry I didnt tell you every single day how much you meant to me. Im sorry I didnt walk into your room that last morning and tell u Good morning and that i loved you. I have so much guilt about it dad. Why didnt I just walk in your room... Why Did I have to see you when your heart had already stopped beating and why did you have to leave.. The peramedics revived him 4 times.. and by the time he was at the hospital he was on a machine and was already brain dead. We all stood around you and I couldnt even breathe knowing that was the end. I miss your breakfast in the morning and your constant making me late everywhere.. I get that from you. I think of how a month after you passed my dog passed and I think of how maybe just maybe you could be taking care of him now. Its been two years and honestly it feels longer. Days like these make it seem like an eternity and I cant help but wish you were still here. I dream of you and everytime i see you I dont know your gone. I dream im a little girl and there you are.. not sick.. and your happy. I hate cancer and everything about it.. I hate that I couldnt do anything about it and I hate that I couldnt keep you here. Mom misses you so much and when we go see you we cant help but tell you that we feel u everywhere we go. You made our dreams come true by making sure we had our dream home and dad why couldnt you be here to enjoy it with us.. All these years and when our dreams became reality you left so soon.. Dad please just know I love you and I think of you everyday. I want to honor your memory and I hope other people can relate to this love of someone who has passed. Your here no matter what.. and i just love you so much that I cant help but write to you.. hoping that maybe you God will deliver my message.. Jessy
  2. Your welcome. Thank you for reading my story. God bless you and all obstacles you are trying to overcome.
  3. QWhen I reread the first posting I wrote, I recall the moment it finally sank in that I wasn't going to see him again. Atleast not here on earth. When my father died, I packed my things and moved 1600 miles away. A new place and a fresh start,atleast I thought. I couldn't handle staying in my hometown ,knowing everywhere I went would only remind me of him. Id leave the house and run into old friends of his asking of him and it only got harder to have to tell the story over and over. I thought leaving would help me but looking back I wish I would have confronted the demons of my grief head on. I was all alone in a one bedroom apartment. Away from everything I had ever known and I hid myself in going to work and then straight to my bed. I found myself somewhere along the lines and found my way back home to the arms of my family. Today I'm married and have had what would have been his first grandchild. That's very tough to swallow, especially when I see so much of him in my son. I long to hug my father and tell him I love him. To say the things I always thought I had tomorrow to say. God has a plan for us. But its up to us to make something of this plan, to actually follow it through and make something of ourselves. I find comfort in visiting his grave and telling him about life and how I always think of him. I was 18 years old when my father died of cancer and I was envious of the plus years my older siblings had with him. I wanted the extra time too. What I want to say is don't dwell on the past. Don't beat yourself up about what you didn't do or say. Cherish what you did have the courage to say and do. This is what matters. And keep that in your heart. Its hard losing someone near and dear to us,but its harder when you don't let those bottled up emotions out. I love you daddy, look over us and I'm still making sure mom knows how special and important she is, just like you wanted.. Jessy Ray
  4. Kanga, I wanted to say to you as I did to chai, that It really means something to me that you can feel the true meaning behind my words. On the day that I wrote the blog, I must say I was really feeling torn. I miss my dad so much that sometimes it dosnt even seem like it really happened. I try my best to accept the fact that it did and try and pick up the pieces, but it seems so imposiible at times when you think of all the things they wont be able to be there for. Such as the wedding,kids, and the holidays of course. My fathers birthday just recently passed november the 11th and its the very first one with him being gone. And It was extremely sad not having him around. But I went and prayed and I sang him happy birthday..Because no one deserves to not have their birthday song.. and Its tough I know, but Just have faith that God will guide you and give you strength to pull through. Your father is always going to be there for you because like my dad once said to me.. "No matter where in life you are, Just smile and Ill be there." So just smile and itll be like your dad smiling upon you. I hope this helped some. God Bless
  5. Chai When I read what you had wrote I must say It felt nice knowing that my words helped you. It is always nice to hear when someone can really relate to what your going through, especially when its something so very life changing. I am sorry that someone so dear in your life passed as well, But One thing I can tell you that really helped me was praying. I pray every night and after I thank God for whats In my life I ask to say a few words to my father, and I tell him whats going on in my life and how Much I miss him. And It really makes you feel closer to that person. I always feel like my dad is watching over me and I dream about him all the time.. its important to keep his memory alive and Instead of not talking about it I like telling stories of all the memories he and I shared. It helps you heal for certain. Although life shall never be quite the same , we learn that life is but a brief moment in time and we must all learn to live it fully and appreciate each and ever person in it. Thank you again for your response. God bless
  6. Thank you so much for your kind words. God Bless you
  7. This friday it will have been three months since my father jerry sr passed. It seems to get harder each day that passes.Today seemed especially difficult for me.I went online in search of some help with grieving and I came across this site. It really helped me to hear steps that others used to help. One that helped me was writing a letter to him. I got to pour out my emotions and sometimes thats exactly what we need. My father and I had a distant relationship growing up,he was always working and at times I would be bitter about it. As I got older I saw just how hard he worked to support the family and I grew very close to him.We completely opened up and I am so thankful to have built the relationship I always wanted with him before he passed. My father was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors told us that he wasnt going to make it out of the hospital due to an infection he had developed,I remember my dad telling the doctor that he didnt know who he was and that he was going to walk right out of the hospital.. and he did. And We called him superman. No matter what life threw at him he would walk right through it. He never let all the pressure defeat him. He was a great man and he truely inspired me to be the person I am today. Its very hard to think about him not walking me down the aisle.. Or the grandchildren that he wont get to take to the park..or spoil them with candy and icecream.. But I do feel him with me I think he is watching out for me and my family and to have dreams with him help me alot. Sometimes Ill pray really hard to have a dream with him because its always nice to see his face. God has a way of making things fall into the place in the end and I think that we need to all be strong enough to cope and learn to lean on eachother instead of being to proud to cry. The only way to deal with death is to aknowledge it happened and take the neccessary steps. I love you daddy and I always will. Your baby Girl Jessy Yates
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