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Southern Girl

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Posts posted by Southern Girl

  1. Dealing with loss is never easy, and like kayc said, I can’t imagine how you must feel having to grieve from afar. 
    There may be moments when you feel alone, and guilt stricken, we have all been there, but try to focus on the positive things. This is easier said than done, but think about how much your mother would want you to remember the good moments that she had with you. 
    When you wrote that you didn’t realize that was her last night, that you would have called, I can’t tell you how much I greatly relate to that sentiment. The day that my father died, I was at the airport dropping off my friend who needed a ride. I had not left my fathers side while he was sick, and the tragic back luck I had was that I was away when he passed. I had this sense of guilt and regret. I had lots of questions for God and wanted to know why these things had to happen to me. 
     You may not believe this right now, and you may not believe this for a very long time, but you are stronger than you know. Think about the obstacles that you have had to overcome, and think about the accomplishments that you have obtained. She would want you to remember that and to push forward. 
     As far as your husband, God bless him, but no one can tell you how your heart is suppose to grieve. And you’ve gotta remember that as sad as it is, sometimes those around us can’t comprehend that feeling unless they have been there. I didn’t understand that for a long time, I kept thinking I was suppose to figure out some way to numb myself. No, dear, you’ve gotta go through the motions and feel that pain. You’ve gotta shed those tears, feel everything inside, so you can finally push through and start to look at the good. I joined this forum 11 years ago, right after my father passed away and I was in the same spot as you. I was lost, confused, depressed, just couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the encouragement that I received here was incredible. I found others who knew exactly what I was going through, and I was able to vent and let everything out inside of my head, without judgement, without someone pushing me to get over it. I experienced a safe place to talk, and I hope that’s what you receive. Just know that everything takes time, and as humans we are entitled to take all the time in the world to process our feelings and not have to feel bad about it. Think of it as a therapy session. 

    • Like 3
  2. 17 hours ago, MartyT said:

    Jessy, my dear, with all my heart I thank you for sharing this poignant and uplifting message with all of us. I lost my own father more than four decades ago, and I still miss him and think of him every single day ~ so your words ring very true to me. You will always be your daddy's favorite baby girl. Death may take a life, but love never dies. Love is forever. Blessings to you, and thank you again. ❤️

    Thank you for taking the time to respond and thank you for your kind words. The fact that you said that four decades ago, you lost your father and you still have him on your mind just cements the idea that those that we love are never forgotten. I’m so glad that all of us are able to come together and share these experiences and are able to understand one another. Sometimes all you want is for one person to understand what you’re feeling. 

    • Like 2
  3.   When I first joined this grief forum, I was 18 years old and felt like my entire world was crumbling around me. I had just lost my father to cancer and had the bad luck of losing my beloved pet dog two months afterward. To say that I was battling a deep depression would be putting it mildly. 
      Today I am two months shy of turning 30 years old. I can’t believe that 11 years ago, I was sitting next to my computer trying to find the words to express all the pain I was feeling inside. I was someone who felt like tomorrow would never come and that I would never be able to process what was happening to me. I felt like the wounds on my heart were gaping open and oozing in grief and torment. 

      They say that time heals all wounds. I’m here to say that it doesn’t. That pain that you feel after you lose someone never goes away. It’s a pain that remains with you throughout your life. Time didn’t seal that pain away from my heart, but what time did allow me was the opportunity to grieve and process what was truly happening. I was a young adult who in the matter of two weeks, lost their father to a cruel and quick disease named cancer. You heard me right, just two weeks after my father was diagnosed, he passed away to his illness. You could have snapped your fingers, it happened that quick.

      Eleven years ago, I couldn’t speak about my father without tears welling up in my eyes. The trouble with that was that there were so many good memories that I couldn’t find the ability to speak of and share with others, the thought of my father made me cry and I often felt misunderstood by those who witnessed my tears. I was the only person in my circle whom had lost their parent, I actually still am. And it took me many years of pain and tears for me to realize that the thought of him didn’t have to be the memory of him in the hospital. I realized that my stories of him could forever live on in everything that we did together as a family. I could pass on the good of his life and what he meant to me.

      I’m happy to say that I can now openly and freely speak about my father, I can laugh when I think of how he made my siblings and I late in the morning for school, because we had to make sure we had our breakfast. I can smile when I think about he and I sharing the exact same nose and big ol’ smile. I couldn’t look at the good back then, because I was so overwhelmed with the bad. 
      Don’t get me wrong, there are moments where I feel down and I cry when I go out and visit his gravesite. I know that it may not be fair to say, but I have always felt like my relationship with my father was different than those of my siblings. I am the youngest of four, and being the baby of the family came with a lot of perks. It meant always being able to take rides to get ice cream with him when my siblings were at school. It meant sitting in the doughnut shop, eating a fresh glaze while he sipped on his coffee. It’s the small things that make it hard for me to put into words, but I have always felt like I was his baby girl and in some sort of selfish way, his favorite. 
      Sometimes I visit his gravesite and I just sit there in the grass and talk to him about my life. I sit there and pray that he watches over Massari, (my dog that passed away.) And I just try to express how there aren’t days that I don’t think about him, and how I’ve never, ever forgotten about him.      
      Maybe I felt like the grief I was experiencing after his death was harder on me because I was so young. I had this notion in my mind that it was unfair that my siblings had years longer to have spent with him, but the truth in the matter is that none of that mattered. The truth is that we were all grieving in our own ways, and we were all having to live in the pain of his absence. Baby or not, he loved each and every one of us, and just because we didn’t have the same memories of him, none the less, we had memories. 
      I don’t think about any of that when I visit him. I just bring an arrangement of flowers and wonder how life would be if he were still around. I update him on things going on in the family and tell him how dearly he is missed. Because at the end of the day, no one can tell you how death is going to affect you. No one can tell you how it’s going to feel in a day, a year, or a decade. We’ve all got to go through the motions and over come our own torments inside so that we can get to that place of peace. 
      Even though I still feel the pain inside of losing him, I know that there is a sort of peace inside of me. Let’s face the facts. My father was in a lot of pain from his illness, and now he no longer has to anguish and suffer from it. God may have taken him, but he has taken him to the greatest place of all. A place that I know in my heart that I will one day be able to reunite with him and Massari. I can only pray that my fellow readers are able to get to that same sense of peace inside of themselves. It may have taken 11 years, but I’m here!

     

    -Jessy

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    • Like 2
  4. Its almost three in the morning and I find myself thinking of my father. Yesturday made two years since he passed away and Honestly it wass hard going through the day. I was a mess, emotional and couldnt help but feel alone. Its like one day you wake you up and you realize they are really gone, you realize your never gonna hug them again.. never gonna hear their laugh. I miss your jokes dad. I miss you telling me to change the oil in my car, and you telling me I was your baby girl. I wonder if Im making you proud and if you see your one and only grandson down here on earth. He looks just like you.. Everytime people see him thats the first thing they say, and It only makes me wish even more you could have met him. He made one last month and I know if you were there you would have held him and hugged him and you wouldnt have even thought twice on letting him put his fingers in the cake. Dad Im sorry. Im sorry I didnt tell you every single day how much you meant to me. Im sorry I didnt walk into your room that last morning and tell u Good morning and that i loved you. I have so much guilt about it dad. Why didnt I just walk in your room... Why Did I have to see you when your heart had already stopped beating and why did you have to leave.. The peramedics revived him 4 times.. and by the time he was at the hospital he was on a machine and was already brain dead. We all stood around you and I couldnt even breathe knowing that was the end. I miss your breakfast in the morning and your constant making me late everywhere.. I get that from you. I think of how a month after you passed my dog passed and I think of how maybe just maybe you could be taking care of him now. Its been two years and honestly it feels longer. Days like these make it seem like an eternity and I cant help but wish you were still here. I dream of you and everytime i see you I dont know your gone. I dream im a little girl and there you are.. not sick.. and your happy. I hate cancer and everything about it.. I hate that I couldnt do anything about it and I hate that I couldnt keep you here. Mom misses you so much and when we go see you we cant help but tell you that we feel u everywhere we go. You made our dreams come true by making sure we had our dream home and dad why couldnt you be here to enjoy it with us.. All these years and when our dreams became reality you left so soon.. Dad please just know I love you and I think of you everyday. I want to honor your memory and I hope other people can relate to this love of someone who has passed. Your here no matter what.. and i just love you so much that I cant help but write to you.. hoping that maybe you God will deliver my message..

    Jessy

  5. QWhen I reread the first posting I wrote, I recall the moment it finally sank in that I wasn't going to see him again. Atleast not here on earth. When my father died, I packed my things and moved 1600 miles away. A new place and a fresh start,atleast I thought. I couldn't handle staying in my hometown ,knowing everywhere I went would only remind me of him. Id leave the house and run into old friends of his asking of him and it only got harder to have to tell the story over and over. I thought leaving would help me but looking back I wish I would have confronted the demons of my grief head on. I was all alone in a one bedroom apartment. Away from everything I had ever known and I hid myself in going to work and then straight to my bed. I found myself somewhere along the lines and found my way back home to the arms of my family. Today I'm married and have had what would have been his first grandchild. That's very tough to swallow, especially when I see so much of him in my son. I long to hug my father and tell him I love him. To say the things I always thought I had tomorrow to say. God has a plan for us. But its up to us to make something of this plan, to actually follow it through and make something of ourselves. I find comfort in visiting his grave and telling him about life and how I always think of him. I was 18 years old when my father died of cancer and I was envious of the plus years my older siblings had with him. I wanted the extra time too. What I want to say is don't dwell on the past. Don't beat yourself up about what you didn't do or say. Cherish what you did have the courage to say and do. This is what matters. And keep that in your heart. Its hard losing someone near and dear to us,but its harder when you don't let those bottled up emotions out. I love you daddy, look over us and I'm still making sure mom knows how special and important she is, just like you wanted..

    Jessy Ray

  6. Kanga,

    I wanted to say to you as I did to chai, that It really means something to me that you can feel the true meaning behind my words.

    On the day that I wrote the blog, I must say I was really feeling torn. I miss my dad so much that sometimes it dosnt even seem like

    it really happened. I try my best to accept the fact that it did and try and pick up the pieces, but it seems so imposiible at times

    when you think of all the things they wont be able to be there for. Such as the wedding,kids, and the holidays of course. My fathers

    birthday just recently passed november the 11th and its the very first one with him being gone. And It was extremely sad not having him

    around. But I went and prayed and I sang him happy birthday..Because no one deserves to not have their birthday song.. and Its tough

    I know, but Just have faith that God will guide you and give you strength to pull through. Your father is always going to be there

    for you because like my dad once said to me.. "No matter where in life you are, Just smile and Ill be there." So just smile

    and itll be like your dad smiling upon you. I hope this helped some.

    God Bless

  7. Chai

    When I read what you had wrote I must say It felt nice knowing that my words helped you. It is always nice to hear when someone can really relate to what your going through, especially when its something so very life changing. I am sorry that someone so dear in your life passed as well, But One thing I can tell you that really helped me was praying. I pray every night and after I thank God for whats In my life I ask to say a few words to my father, and I tell him whats going on in my life and how Much I miss him. And It really makes you feel closer to that person. I always feel like my dad is watching over me and I dream about him all the time.. its important to keep his memory alive and Instead of not talking about it I like telling stories of all the memories he and I shared. It helps you heal for certain. Although life shall never be quite the same , we learn that life is but a brief moment in time and we must all learn to live it fully and appreciate each and ever person in it. Thank you again for your response.

    God bless

  8. This friday it will have been three months since my father jerry sr passed. It seems to get harder each day that passes.Today seemed especially difficult for me.I went online in search of some help with grieving and I came across this site. It really helped me to hear steps that others used to help. One that helped me was writing a letter to him. I got to pour out my emotions and sometimes thats exactly what we need. My father and I had a distant relationship growing up,he was always working and at times I would be bitter about it. As I got older I saw just how hard he worked to support the family and I grew very close to him.We completely opened up and I am so thankful to have built the relationship I always wanted with him before he passed. My father was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors told us that he wasnt going to make it out of the hospital due to an infection he had developed,I remember my dad telling the doctor that he didnt know who he was and that he was going to walk right out of the hospital.. and he did. And We called him superman. No matter what life threw at him he would walk right through it. He never let all the pressure defeat him. He was a great man and he truely inspired me to be the person I am today. Its very hard to think about him not walking me down the aisle.. Or the grandchildren that he wont get to take to the park..or spoil them with candy and icecream.. But I do feel him with me I think he is watching out for me and my family and to have dreams with him help me alot. Sometimes Ill pray really hard to have a dream with him because its always nice to see his face. God has a way of making things fall into the place in the end and I think that we need to all be strong enough to cope and learn to lean on eachother instead of being to proud to cry. The only way to deal with death is to aknowledge it happened and take the neccessary steps.

    I love you daddy and I always will.

    Your baby Girl

    Jessy Yates

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