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little lou

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  1. Hi Lucidsaint - Like you, I lost my older brother on the 23rd Sept this year, four weeks ago this wednesday. I have few words to physically make you feel any better, but hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that I'm going through exactly the same confusion and pain that you are. For the last year I have intermittently cared for Steve, increasingly so in the last months, my life revolved round him completely at one point. This was a difficult time for my children but I am lucky that they understood totally and supported me in needing to be there for Steve. This is something that was difficult at times, but I dont regret a single minute spent with him. Ultimately I took on a maternal role and he became very dependent on me, for both practical things and also for emotional support. Now he has passed, I feel completely lost... Everything... and I mean everything I do, reminds me of something to do with Steve. Every smell, every conversation, every thought. I know this is not entirely healthy, but I also am fairly sure it is within the realms of 'normal' grieving. My point, I guess, is that however differently we grieve for a loved one, we do HAVE to grieve. I foolishly thought that all the tears I cried watching my big brother deteriorate and approach the time limit he was given, was in some way 'grieving early', I was in fact told this was the case. So now I am even more distressed to find that it hasnt eased my grief at all and as I type, it feels as though I wont possibly be able to move on or feel better... ever.... but we have to keep going, accept the pain, accept that some days will be quite good, but not be hard on ourselves when we find we want to crawl into a hole and stay there . . it will happen... but these bad times do slowly become interspersed with more good days until we reach a point at which we can function again with some form of normality. I wouldnt say we ever get over the death of a loved one, but I do believe we learn to live with feeling differently about life. I am so sorry if my waffle is no help to you, but I wanted you to know I DO know how you feel ... and if nothing else, that you are not alone. Kindest wishes Little Lou x x x
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