Kat2005

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in awhile and I am sure alot of people don't know me. This is just a topic that interests me so much. I have a song that I hear at the most amazing times. I know it is Pat telling me that he is still with me. Just the other day I actually had to laugh. For about the past 2 years I have gotten someone to help cut my grass. We had a miscommunication and I ended up having to try and cut it. The only problem was the mower hadn't been started in about a year. So needless to say, I pulled and pulled and it just wouldn't start. I probably went out and tried at least 4 time. Before the last time I went out, I just told him that he would never let his yard look like that and I needed him to help me start the mower. Well as you probably guessed I tried one more time and it started right up. All I could do was shake my head and of course cry. I truly believe that our loved one are still with us and are looking out for us we just have to be open to the signs. KAT2005

I remember twenty-eight years ago tonight I was so excited. Tomorrow was my wedding day. I remember crawling into bed and saying to myself that this will be the last night I will sleep alone. I was getting ready to share my life with the most wonder man I had ever known. Then three years ago, this June, my world was turned upside-down. I lost the love of my life and nothing has been the same. There is no one to share my life. I don't know why but I am really having a hard time tonight. You would think that after three years things would be getting better. For the most part they are but for some reason I am really struggling tonight. I just miss him so much. I know I haven't posted in awhile but I do come to the site often. Thanks for listening, I just needed to talk to someone. Kat

Marty, Thank you for posting this. Tonight has been a really bad night for some reason so I decided to come to the sight. Reading your post has helped me realize that I have made progress. It is just times liked tonight that I feel like I am going backwards. I know it has lot to do with the holidays and his birthday that just past. No matter how much I try to prepare certain things just hit me like a ton of bricks and I feel so lost.

This is also my third Christmas. I am, finding it easier to be with family and friend during the holidays. The only thing that hasn't changed and is so hard for me is coming home to an empty house and being alone. This was always our time. Everything was over and we were just glad to be home with each other. I miss that time so much.

Deborah, Having gone through Katrina, I will keep you and everyone here that live on the East Coast in my thoughts and prayers. Kat

I learned that it is okay to say "NO".

Hi All! I actually have that on my desk at work. A friend of mine also sent me the following, thought I would share: "If a tiny baby could think, it would be afraid of birth. To leave the only world it has known would seem a kind of death. But immediately after birth the child would say, "I was foolish to doubt God's Plan for me. This is a beautiful life." For the Christian, passing through death is really a birth into a new and better world. Those who are left behind should not grieve as if there is no hope. Life is changed, not taken away. Our dear one lives on, in a world beautiful beyond anything we can imagine. With Jesus and Mary they await the day when they will welcome us with joy. "Do not grieve too much," they say to us. "We are living and are still with you." Kat

I'm so happy for you. CONGRATS! KAT

With the two year anniversary at the end of the month, I have to say the weekends have been easier. In the beginning they were awful. I pushed myself to keep busy though. It wasn't very hard to find things to do. Keeping up the house and yard took up alot of my time. I also have friends that include me in alot of things but it is still not the same and the hardest thing is coming home to an empty house. Perkins808, great book! Kat

Wow! Tammy, I never thought of it that way. It will be two years this month and like Lainey I still wonder "WHY". Thank you, this really helps and makes alot of sense. I posted this quote, probably about a year ago, which I read everyday. In fact, I have it on my desk at work and when I am having a difficult time I read it. I just think it is so true. "Life Isn't About Waiting For The Storm To Pass, It's About Learning How To Dance In The Rain." anonymous Kat

Congrats, Carol Ann!

I come to the sight almost everyday. I am just not very good at putting my feelings into words so I don't post very often. I wish I could express my feeling and give advice like Perkins808, HAP and yourself. You guys truly have a gift. We all help each other in one way or another. Whether it is writing and giving advice or just reading others thoughts and knowing that you are not alone. Take care, Kat

I dealt with major guilt and still do at times. Tammy is right, at the time I thought I was handling it the right way but looking back I wish I would have done things alot differently. I always tried to be upbeat to keep him fighting. I didn't want him to give in to this terrible disease (Prostate Cancer). We never really sat down and talked about it. I don't really know how much he would have understood because the meds had him confused at times. Two weeks before he passed he looked at me and asked me when was he going to die and once again I told him he needed to fight this thing. I guess that was the selfish part of me coming out. I couldn't be loosing him in 9 months when I was told some people live 5 to 10 years. I brought him to the hospital 10 days before he passed, thinking he was just dehydrated. He never came home. It will be 2 years on the 23rd of this month and I am trying not to beat myself up on the decisions I made. It is so hard to deal with the "what if's" sometimes. Deep down I know I did what I thought was right and he knew that. Things happen for a reason and one day everything will make sense. I would like to thank everyone, once again, for being there when I need someone just to listen to my rambling. Kat

Mrs. B, I know exactly how you have been feeling. I have also done some work around the house and have used some of the insurance money. I only used a portion of it but it still made me feel guilty using it. It was things that really had to be done but we didn't have the money to do them while he was alive. Everything that I did has made my life alot easier since I am the only one keeping everything up. I know Pat would be pleased with everything, it is just so sad that he is not here to share it with me. Take care, Kat

The day I became your wife was the happiest day in my life. You will have my heart forever. Happy 27th baby. I love and miss you with all my heart. I love you, Kat

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KORINA! I hope you had a wonderful day. Take care, Kat

Deborah, I am so glad I read your post. I was actually having a difficult time dealing with what I have been feeling. It was 20 months yesterday and I don't feel like I am doing all that good at times. I read how some are getting on with their lives and I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I don't feel like I am moving along like I should be. Don't get me wrong, there are good days but there is not a day that passes that I do not long for the life we had. I truly feel blessed for what we did have but I am having a hard time seeing any type of future. I am also scared of what my life will be in years to come. I "don't" want to be alone for the rest of my life but I "don't" see how I can be with anyone else. Does that make any sense? I have one son that is in Med School and he has been there for me ever since his dad died. Deep down I know he has his life to live and I don't want him to feel obligated to be there for me all the time. I hardly ever post because I don't feel like I should be giving any advice when I don't know how to help myself. I would like to thank everyone here for there support and advice. I truly feel blessed to have found this sight. Kat

Just when I am feeling really lost it seems like something happens that makes me truly believe that Pat is still with me. I have mentioned before that there is a song that I know is from Pat. It had special meaning to us. It plays at the strangest times. Mostly when I either need to hear it or when I feel he is trying to tell me that he is with me. Last year on Valentine's Day I bought balloons which I let go at the cemetary. The strange thing is that when I started my car after buying the balloons the song came on the radio. I decided to buy the balloons again this year. I decided to buy them on Saturday since Valentines fell on Monday. When I got in the car on Saturday to go buy the balloons the song was on the radio again. This cannot be a coincidence. Two years in a row????? I truly want to believe. Just needed to share. I know everyone here will not think I am crazy. Take care, Kat

It will be 20 months on the 23rd of this month and I feel like I have taken more than 2 steps back. I do believe that the second year is somewhat harder than the first. During the first year you are so worried about making it through all the first. Especially not knowing what to expect. Now all the first are over and reality has set in. It is just so hard to grasp the idea that life as we have known is over and we now have to try to build a new life without our partners. Lainey, the hugs, cuddles and kisses are what I miss the most also. I have learned to just let the tears flow when they need to. I always feel better after a good cry. Thanks for listening, Kat

STARKISS Sending you birthday wishes as well. Kat

Just wanted to send you Birthday wishes and to thank you for being there for everyone. You are a very special person. Hope you had a wonderful day! Kat

I totally believe that this is more than a coincidence. Thanks for sharing. Kat

What a beautiful poem your granddaughter has written in honor of her grandfather. You are truely blessed to have such a wonderful granddaughter and I know her grandfather may not be here physically, he is with her spiritually. Thank you so much for sharing. Take care, Kat

Beautiful, thanks for sharing! Kat

I can identify with every paragraph. I constantly write in my journal how much I love and miss him and that I want our life together back. Thanks so much for sharing. Kat