Stuart

Ladies and Ted, What a great description "Roller Coaster Ride". I too have found myself smiling at something I overheard that was very funny. A short time later I heard a song that Heidi and I loved to dance to and it started the tears. I would never ride a real roller coaster. ( I get all the thrills I need driving on the interstate highways in Pa. NJ.,& De.) I certantly do not like this emotional roller coaster. I hope for the day I can get off of it. I wish you all well. Bless you, Stuart

Debbie, Thank you for sharing your relationship with Dean's Mom. She sounds like a terrific lady. Maybe that's where our beloved spouses got some of their greatness from. Thank you for your comment about me as a Dad. I do love my sons. I can't figure out why they love to test me though. Heidi and I always put their needs before ours when they were younger. We did our best to teach them to be modest and humble. I hope you are right in stating that someday they will admire the all the hard work and sacrifices that Heidi and I made while raising them. I tell my older son that I love him every day. My younger son is still not speaking to me.I wish you a pleasant and comfortable Sunday. Bless you, Stuart

Debbie, Once again your kind words and thoughts have eased my pain.I believe that you are correct in writing that it will take time for my sons to fully understand how much love and mutual respect there is in a loving marriage. Perhaps they will learn this lesson when they become husbands. Sometimes I believe that children don't fully understand what parents do until they become parents themselves. I hope that I have been a role model to them by working 24 hours a day to try and save Heidi's life. I have asked them to join my growing battle against IBC-Inflammatory Breast Cancer. They seem to be ambivilent about it, I pray that they will someday join me in battling the killer that took their Mom. I am willing to be very patient with them while they consider my request. Both of my parents are gone. I lost my fantastic Mom in 1990. My Dad died from a stroke last year. I am very blessed to still have a 96 year old grandmother. Heidi's Mom ,who is 77, is incredible. I love her dearly and continue to maintain a good relationship with her. I was very grateful when she told me that Heidi's passing doesn't change anything. She told me that I am still family to her and that she loves me very much.She is hurting badly too, I call her frequently to try and ease her pain. We have been a good support system for each other. I wish you a pleasant and peaceful weekend. I am returning your much needed hug. Please accept this hug from southeastern PA. Bless you, Stuart

Lucia, Thank you for your kind words. It sounds like your Ben was as special to you,as Heidi was to me. I am not ashamed to admit that I do cry. I believe that my tears come from the intense pain that I feel at times. I do love our sons. They both remind me of thier wonderful Mom in some ways. My 21 year old is trying my patience. He seems determined to see how far he can push me. I am hurting,and I'm in no mood to have my patience tested at this stage of my life. I too struggle to get sleep. A berevement counselor has told me too that sleep will come, but I'm grateful for the 3 1/2 to 4 hours that I sleep every night.My prayers are with you too at this difficult time. I wish you a pleasant and comfortable weekend. Bless you, Stuart

Tim, Things did go well today. My older son and I had a chance to talk. We had a good conversation. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I hope that your Thanksgiving without your beloved Lucille was pleasant. Bless you, Stuart

To all my friends who are suffering the loss of their spouse. I wish you all a peaceful and comfortable (as possible) Thanksgiving. I know that we are all suffering somewhat on this day. I too am hurting. For the first time in years I will not be eating the delicious turkey, stuffing and sweet potato casserole that by wonderful Heidi used to make every year. I accepted an invitation to my brother in laws house. I'm apprehensive because he still lives very close to where Heidi grew up. I hope that seeing that old house won't make me too crazy. I'm grateful that our older son is going with me,my younger son no longer speaks to me. I think he believes that I should be dead and not his Mom. I still love him and will do my best to weather this storm. I'm grateful for all of you and for this forum. Bless you all, Stuart

Debbie, I am now going to three different support groups. I wish I could get invited to more. The counselors seem to be "afraid" to invite me they use the same catch phrase, "your grief is still too raw" I had to almost beg two of the grief counselors to invite me. They have now come around by saying things like " I'm glad you're here, you are ready for this" Thank you for saying that I have inspired you. I believe that your kind replies have eased my suffering. I wish you a good evening and a comfortable Wednesday. Here is something that I would like to share with you and everyone else who is greiving the loss of someone they love. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, Love leaves a memory that no one can steal......~Irish Proverb~ Bless you, Stuart

Rochel, Thank you for your uplifting reply. Women like you and my Heidi are indeed blessings to their husbands. Heidi used to tell everyone how lucky she was to have me. I used to turn this around quickly by stating that I was the the very grateful recipient of her terrific presence in my life. I feel like someone shut the lights and turned off the music. You are so right in saying that the future is scary. Who is going to take the place of my wonderful wife? I know the answer already...no one. I do have many great memories,but I'm petrified by the fact that there will be no new ones. Take good care of yourself Rochel. It is obvious that you are a great person. don't stop being that. Bless you, Stuart

It is a month today since my beautiful Heidi has been gone. I miss her more and more every day. It is not only very painful to lose a precious wife, but I have lost my best friend, the mother of our sons, my lover, and healer. Trying to move forward without her is just brutal at times. The humble home that we built together still feels like a museum to me. There is a line in an Air Supply song that says," girl you're every woman in the world to me", That describes my feelings for my wonderful wife. I love you and miss you sweetheart. Bless you all my friends who are grieving the loss of a beloved spouse. May you have comfort and peace on this Tuesday Stuart

Hi Amy, I hope this note finds you well. I completely understand your feelings about living from minute to minute. I find my emotions changing constantly. I cant find any peace in my life without my Heidi. I know she would not want me to be this upset,but I can't help it. You are right,it is a hard road.I wish you a comfortable and peaceful Monday. Bless you, Stuart

Debbie, Best wishes on your return to the working world. I went back to work 2 1/2 weeks ago. So far it has been good. I find myself so preoccupied with what I'm doing that I can almost forget how much I am suffering. Sometimes I hear people wispering," Oh its a shame that Stu is a widower" I hate that word. It is something I never wanted to be called.Do the best you can, lean on some of your co-workers who can understand your pain. I know they are few and far between, but there is usually one in every office or workplace. You sound like a terrific person, if they can't accept the "new you", that is thier problem. Don't apologize to anyone. I pray that things will get easier for all of us who are suffering a loss. Here is a hug for you from my rainy part of PA. Bless you, Stuart

Debbie, Thank you for sharing your Saturday night memories with me. It sounds like you and Dean enjoyed many of the same things that Heidi and I enjoyed. I remember when we would go to the Rockvale Outlets. I would always get a cup of coffee and a newspaper,and find a comfortable bench to sit on. Heidi would "scurry" around the stores buying all kinds of cool stuff. Even though I begged her not to, she would always buy something for me. I hadn't even though about it until I read your post. Heidi died on a Saturday too. You are correct in your description of Lancaster County. I will come back one day after i have learned to deal with all this pain. I wish you a pleasant and comfortable Wednesday. Bless you, Stuart

Hi Amy, Thank you for your touching response. I went to a greif class today. The class focused on dealing with the holidays. It was supposed to be from 10:00 am to 12:00 noon. The terrific female chaplin (Monica) who ran the class, wound up staying and talking to me and a young lady who just lost her beloved mom to cancer. I finally left around 3:30 pm. I was so gateful to her for her time and understanding. She made me feel alot better,if only for a brief 5 1/2 hours. When I left she gave me a hug and said, "when there is great love,there is great loss". How true. I wish you a peaceful and pleasant Sunday. Bless you, Stuart

Steely, I understand your pain in losing your beloved Harold. I lost my wonderful wife and best friend Heidi three weeks ago to IBC-Inflammatory Breast Cancer. This insane form of breast cancer only needed six weeks to take her from me and our sons. I have been experiencing the same emotions that you have described. It is ok to have all these feelings. I still cry whenever I think about the love of my life. This forum has provided me with so much love,support, and inspiration. It still saddends me that so many others are suffering the same pain, but It's a great comfort that they all care and understand these feelings. I wish you comfort, peace and love in your greiving process. Don't apologize to anyone for your emotions. Bless you, Stuart

Kay, Thank you for caring. Heidi is my favorite female name. I was blessed to have her for 27 years. I wish we could have had more. Bless you, Stuart

Jeanne, Thank you for your kind words. Your statement about IBC is correct. It is ridiculous and must be stopped. My sons amaze me.I think that they have found peace in this tragedy. I continue to suffer. Thank you for caring. Bless you, Stuart

Debbie, I too am hoping that you are well on this Thursday morning. Looking at your info and seeing that you are from Lancaster County, reminded me of the wonderful times that Heidi and I spent at Willow Valley, the Rockvale Outlets,Miller's and in Intercourse,Pa. (we always stopped at the Intercourse Canning Co.) to get some yummy Pa. Dutch treats. These are memories of great times that I will always cherish. Take care of youself. Bless You, Stuart

Boo, Thank you so very much for your kind and healing words. You are so right in stating that posting your feelings are so cathartic. I can't count how many times this forum has enable me to breathe easier or even catch some much needed sleep. I've been told that I am suffering from sleep deprivation. My response is always "walk a mile in my shoe's then let me know how you sleep". Please help me spread the word about IBC-Inflammatory Breast Cancer in the UK. This insane form of Breast Cancer only needed six weeks to take my beautiful Heidi. Visit this website www.ibcresearch.org Thank you for your help. I wish you peace and love. Bless you, Stuart

Korina, I wish you much success in your battle against alcoholism. I admire your persistance in fighting a disease that took your Scott away from you. People have already told me that I am honoring Heidi's memory by starting my fight against IBC-Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I believe that you are honoring Scott's memory by educating others. Thank you for sharing your story with me. You are making Scott proud. Bless you, Stuart

Linda, I believe that you summed up alot of my feelings, when you said that the joy has left many of the activities we used to enjoy. Every Saturday night Heidi and I used to have our "date night". It was something I looked forward to all week. We used to go to one of her favorite restaurants (usually someplace with good homemade soup) and then either to the movies or to get some ice cream. Some nights we would just go to a romantic spot bt the river and watch the boats. I miss this badly. I cant even go near any of these places again. Thank you also for your advice on just breathing. I find myself gasping at times when I think about her. Bless you, Stuart

Mary Linda, Thank for sharing your story. I pray that you are sucessful in informing everyone about pancreatic cancer. Your statement about honoring our spouses by fighting the disease that took them from us is so true. In the future,when I have learned how to live my life without my wonderful wife. I plan to form a non profit orginization to educate everyone about IBC- Inflammorty Breast Cancer. I dont want IBC to take anymore women away for their beloved families. To anyone reading this post please visit, www.ibcresearch.org . Bless you in your fight against pancreatic cancer, Stuart

SD2, Thank you also for your kindness. Heidi was indeed special, she was the light in my life. She raised ten of thousand of dollars for projects that benefitted children. She was the primary caregiver for my 96 year old grandmother. In a very breif time period I have come to realize how impotant this forum is to me. I'm saddened by the fact that we all have a similar agony that we share, but I am so grateful for the outpouring of support and love. Bless you, Stuart

Mary Lou, Thank you for your kind words and for understanding. Bless you, Stuart

Debbie, I am saddened by your loss also, it sounds like your love for your husband were as strong as my feelings for my beloved Heidi. I am experiencing a wide range of emotions. I just cant remember the last time I laughed. I sit on my couch and wish that we could snuggle together and watch a movie like we used to.I pray that you can also find some measure of comfort in your grieving process.Thank you for caring about me during the most painful time of my life. Bless you, Stuart

Tim, Thank you for sharing this poem with me. I did enjoy reading it. I am going to print myself a copy and refer to often. Thank you for understanding the immense pain of losing a treasured wife. I hope you have peace and comfort in your greif. Bless you, Stuart