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LindaG

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Everything posted by LindaG

  1. Thank you all for sharing and the words of encouragement. I felt I had to share what happened to me here. I do feel a kinship to the members of this forum as after Joe died I was here quite a bit and all of the people sharing what I was going thru was extremely comforting during a horrible time. I once read what you don't deal with now will come back and deal with you later... such is the grief for me. I will spend more time processing what needs to be processed with the help of professionals so that I can make better life decisions going forward. Peace and comfort today especially. - Linda G
  2. Good Morning! I find myself four years after Joe has passed still facing the sadness and isolation that the Holiday Season can bring. I find myself at the end of a relationship that started a year and a half after Joe passed. A relationship that was with someone suffering from bi-polar disorder who was a prescription drug and alcohol abuser. A man who was abusive to me verbally and it ended with a physical assault that landed him in custody and me in counseling at the end of last month. My twenty year old self would have never put up this man for so long but I believe it was the separation from my husband's death. I believe the loneliness was too much for me and I needed that someone? My counselor and I agree most of my sadness surrounding this breakup is rooted from my husband's passing. Unresolved grief. My husband died in October of 2009 at the age of 39. The assault and end of my current relationship ended on Halloween eve. Same time of year....the overall feeling of sadness and isolation has become close to what I felt in 2009.... very similar. So to get thru this Holiday season, I am in domestic abuse counseling once a week, Al Anon Meetings, and attending a group meeting once w a week - Dealing with Grief thru the Holidays via my local Hospice. I'm sharing my story as I feel younger widows may be open to finding new partners that they feel they can "fix". A need for control as a result of what was taken away. It has taken me a month to look at the chaos that I was living with on a daily basis. Taking care of someone who was abusive and unable or unwilling to be "fixed". There were good times. There was the sober and loving side of this individual as well but the disease and mental disorders out far weighed the good. If anyone does find themselves trying to justify a difficult relationship past a loss, please remember my story. Please remember to take of yourself first as that is what I am determined to do going forward. I wish you all some peace this Thanksgiving. - Linda G I
  3. I'm reading all of the feeds and have immediately found a renewed feeling of peace from this forum. Having been away for almost three years, I was uncertain if I should start posting again or it if would help my present state of mind. I did discover today that the first house that we owned together is for Sale. We renovated and worked on that house for a year. A house that I have avoided driving past for three and a half years and will probably never re-visit. A house that Joe wanted to re-purchase when we moved back from Santa Fe in 2007. Also, today I am remembering our road trips to Santa Fe via the I40 and spending the night in Norman OK on two or three seperate trips as it was a good stop after a night in Missouri and before Santa Fe .... ugh...tough. Reading all of the trending topics - I relate to all of it. I speak to Joe and have a quiet moment every day to remember things we shared. I have a clear sense that he is with me. If I am going on a client interview and a truck from his old company passes me - I take it as a sign that he is watching. When I need to push back, I know that is coming from Joe. I never pushed back before Joe passed. When I want to wiggle out of something with a white lie, I think of Joe and the fact that he never told a fib in his life and I do the right thing.... All of your shares are wonderful and profound to me. I'm fortunate to have found this when Joe passed and fortunate now to have come back. Good Nite and thank you. - Linda G
  4. KayC- Thank you for the note. Your picture is lovely too. My Mom and Dad are older. My Dad seems to understand and he brings up Joe often in a lovingly and funny way. We did not have children and I am an only child. I do have close friends that remember the important holidays, etc. It's been a lonely journey at times but I do feel Joe with me. I always thought people who said that were nuts, but I know he's around for the good and the bad. To be honest, I think I needed this forum again to speak of Joe and the grief. I need another outlet if that makes sense as people don't want me in that sad place and sometimes I need to be there .... -Linda G
  5. The best advice I can give to you about this topic is to read. It drove me nuts when my husbands family were trick or treating a week after his funeral with their kids. I was actually sick to my stomach. They gathered for Thanksgiving a month after and did not invite or even call. It is common. People deal with things in a variety of ways. Trying to go back to normalcy if they are a bit removed seems to be a common thing. As you go forward - do what you are comfortable doing. Don't let anyone talk you into anything that feels like it will be too much. I learned to say NO at 48. It's okay. Prayers. - Linda G
  6. Hello- I don't know how many of you remain from late 2009 and 2010 but I hope there are still a few writing. I've not been posting since 2010 and have tried - tried - tried - to rebuild a life of some sort. I find myself unfocused and still at times very overwhelmed. I am involved in another relationship that must end. I tried to fill the void of the loss with a man that is bi-polar and in need of more than I can give to him. Leaving him is yet another loss - it would be a positive move but will feel like a loss. I've yet to return to my Business full time. I did try to re-ignite the passion for what I used to do but I just can not focus. I have worked for other people and that structure seems to work better right now. I'm an Interior Designer. I'm at the point that I may seek professional care to deal with loss in a way that will help me become more functional. I feel okay and then it hits me... like an ebb and flow... the grief and despair. I'm wondering how some of the other widows/widowers from 2009 and 2010 are doing? Am I alone with these feelings and insecurities? It is nice to be back and I'm hoping to reconnect with the people that were so wonderful three years ago. Blessings and Peace, Linda G
  7. Melina- I am at about three and a half years. I did find this site extremely helpful after Joe first died. I'm in a strange emotional place and I am not thinking clearly so I've returned to see if I am alone with this prolonged state. I do find the grief will hit me when I am overwhelmed. It definitely has curbed my confidence and decision making. I find myself speaking of Joe's death and trying to make it a short statement as to not provoke conversation.... and then I feel badly that I did not speak more of what Joe was about... I've lost contact wtih his entire family. He had an Aunt that passed this year and she was the only one that did stay in touch. I don't reach out to them so I can not place blame anywhere. Maybe it is easier to cope that way. People don't speak of him unless I bring him up and then they don't know what to say to me.... still. I've tried another relationship but it does not fill the void and I am somehow stuck and need to end it. I can't quite pull myself together to do that as it will be another loss - albeit a positive one but still a loss. I hope some of what I have shared gives you some reassurance that what you are feeling and going thru is not strange or uncommon. Please feel free to e-mail me if you ever need to chat. I would welcome that from anyone here as so many of you really helped me thru a horrible first few months. Blessing and Peace!!! - Linda G
  8. Hi - I have days where I feel I was dropped in this mess that is now my life and no one has a complete grasp of how to guide me thru it. It's like I led a normal life and all of a sudden it was turned upside down and nothing feels "correct". Everything has to be managed and thought out - and it is exhausting. I feel like "grief" is tabu. It is something - no one readily wants to talk about - everyone knows someone with a horrible story that equals or surpasses mine. I don't know how you do it? I don't know how they did it...that type of thing. There is no manual - no expert - no easy fix. So when my best friend is unsettled that I have not removed my wedding rings, there is no timeline - no answer to give her....why would I take them off - Joe would still be wearing his of that I am sure. It's alot to sort thru. I read all of your respones and I can feel the pain in the words. It was not supposed to happen like this for any of us. I thank you for trying to help and realize this is a difficult subject to approach. - Linda G
  9. Hello Everyone- As usual, when something bizarre in the grief process comes up - I seek advice. I had lunch with an old friend a few weeks ago. My maid of honor. I had not seen her in a while and she asked me why I was still wearing my wedding rings and when I planned to date again? She's very direct and one of the reasons that normally - I like her friendship. Removing the wedding rings never occured to me and dating - well - horror. It will be eight months since Joe suddenly passed in a few weeks. I can't imagine dating anyone else. Then an old boyfriend that remained a close friend- 20 years old - seeked my design help with an investment property. He's been kind since my husband passed and I thought nothing of it. He's now married but soon things became uncomfortable when he started to confide that his marriage was not a happy one and he was considering a separation. His casual flirting has become uncomfortable to the point that I am avoiding him and wondering what is wrong with me that I did not see this coming. So, I guess I need to know if I am wearing the rings as a way to hold on - or if that is okay? How do you ever get to the point of considering dating someone else. Because I am still in my 40's and was widowed younger, I think there is more expectation that I will "want or need to date" sooner ?? I don't know. Bigger question that is probably better left for my therapist but I'm just curious what other people are experiencing and thinking. Thank you as always for your kind input. - Linda G
  10. Walt- I have not visited this site for a while and yet I was just thinking very similar thoughts today about my Joe. What if I had never met him? The loss and grieving are horrific at times but the ten years of happiness was amazing. Time makes it a little easier to recognize the need to be appreciative. How many people do we all know that never share a love like all of us had? Thank you Walt for sharing. - Linda G
  11. Since posting this question to all of you this afternoon, I have spoken with my Mom and Dad and my best friend..... each have responded in complete disbelief. Joe was 39 when he died - suddenly of a heart attack - no warning. Not to say my journey is more difficult than anyone elses but I am in no way shape or form ready for another "wake". I visit Joe at the cemetary once a week and have a converssation. We will have a memorial mass said each year but beyond that - I can't open that door to what I went thru last year or I won't come out of it in one piece. Thank all of you for your considerate responses - as always it helps me to understand what I am feeling - as most of this is so strange still. I appreciate your time and words. - Linda G
  12. Hello Everyone- I've been off the site for a few months. I still check in to read but have not contributed much as things have just been ok enough to manage with local help. I had a strange thing happen today. My husband's mother requested my thoughts on planning a large memorial for my husband in October (one year anniversary) in California in a park. For the friends and family who did not attend the funeral in 09. I have to share that my husband's family in NO WAY contributed a cent to the cost of the funeral or non insured medical expenses that have left me pretty close to the bone. Now they want me to fly to California from Boston and help throw a memorial? That would be excrutiating to say the least for me to attend? Am I crazy ??? or is this crazy?? Could this woman really be that insensitive? Every friend Joe and I had - either was here or has called and written to me. We had lived in California when we met so we have alot of friends there but the people she is concerned over are her brothers and sisters (cousins) who did not attend or have been in contact. Do I attend a dog and pony show to make these inconsiderate people feel better about taking a year to offer condolences? I'm ranting - but it is so selfish a request that I am livid. Please let me know if anyone else has experienced similar behavior and what have you done? Thank you and I hope everyone that got me thru on this site this winter is doing ok now. - Linda G
  13. I understand completely. Alot of us have lost more than just our spouse. It is hurtful to see traditions continue without you. A piece of advice that I received from a Grief Therapist was to begin new traditions. It sounds horrible but if there are plans in place than you spend less time focusing on what his family is doing without you. Our family is spread out all over the country so the logistics of some of these gatherings are not feasible for me. It would be nice to be asked, but if after a few holidays you don't see it happening than let it go. That is one thing that took me months to reconcile, but I have. They faught all the time and it was always dramatic so the plus side is they can carry on all that without me. To be honest - truly honest- I would not want to spend alot of time with these people without my husband. They are tied to him not me. If that makes sense. In a few months, you will see this for what it is and be able to move around it. It sounds like your children are offering you some advice and love that will be easier to swallow as time moves forward. -Linda G
  14. Suzanne- You are absolutely not alone. I am a week away from the six month anniversary of my husband's death at age 39. You will learn how to protect yourself from the people and daily activiities that send you into a spin. You learn how to "manage" your day. This is what I have found. I had spent Thanksgiving and Christmas at family dinners and wanted to jump out of my skin and run away down the road at each....so I hiked yesterday and listened to Joe's IPod. Sad, yes - but less stress than faking that you are not a mess. I have given myself a year. One year before I take a plan of action as to what is next. That plan has changed thirty times in six months. There are days that I am strong and feel I could go back to an office/work setting and then most days I do not have it in me. I work from home. I read. I paint - keep busy. I still don't sleep more than a few hours so that cripples thinking clearly. It is a fog - a sad fog. The best advice I can give is to figure a way in the next months to protect yourself from the triggers that really send you into anguish. I found building a routine and adding a few things each month has worked. Our spouses would not want us to give up. My Joe would be furious if he could see me still crying every night. We need to be strong and work thru what we can as the more you can manage the more you do sense some relief. I hope this helps. - Linda G
  15. I got a call at home at 5:00pm on October 10th, 2009 to go to the hospital as my husband was enroute and had an accident of some kind at work. They urged me to go without explanation. I arrived before the ambulance as they were working on him. I was originally to pick him up at 6:00pm as we had dinner plans. The patient liason at the emergency room said a prayer with me so I knew it was horrible. They put me in a private room alone. The doctor on duty came in and asked me if I was alone. They had tried to revive Joe three times enroute to the hospital but his heart was gone. They asked if I wanted to be in the room for the last attempt. He was gone. I did not have a chance to say good-bye but given that the recount is that he just fell to the floor and was out immediately after a short seizure..it was quick for him...but everyday before we left the house we told one another that we loved one another so with that I take some comfort. There were no signs that heart failure was looming. He was fine when I dropped him off in the morning. So Joe, at age 39 was gone and pronounced at 6:10pm that evening. This is so difficult for all of us that remain. Constantly difficult. I think it is the most tragic event that anyone can endure. It takes more energy and resolve than I ever thought I had just to keep pushing forward. Pushing towards something that I don't understand without my husband. -Linda G
  16. Korina- Happy Belated Birthday! I hope your day was filled with some joy and peace. -Linda G
  17. Maybe that is it. Knowing Joe would be raking and getting ready to fish for the season. It is just strange how a warmer day has brought me to my knees. I never thought in a million years that I'd be in this place at this time. I guess none of us here did. - Linda G
  18. Hi Everyone- I'm feeling alot of anxiety over the warming temperatures and the arrival of Spring. Maybe because I can not hybernate as much as I have this winter and may be forced to be more visible? I'm just wondering if anyone else is feeling anxious and uneasy. Spring has never made me sad before. Being a lifelong New Englander it meant the heave-ho to the snow shovel and the expectation of Summer. I guess this is normal. Every time of year will bring a new sense of loss and the flood of memories from the past years? It's been bothering me all week. Just curious. It's kind of a new funk that just seems strange. Sending some peace. -Linda G
  19. Mary Linda- I will be praying for you as well on Thursday. You will be in my thoughts. Try to relax before the surgery this week. - Linda G
  20. J- Welcome. My husband died in October while at work of a heart attack at the age of 39. The isolation of emotion is something that you have to deal with. You can be in a room with a hundred people and still feel it. No one else feels what we are feeling and no one understands. Please try to find a grief counselor and go see them often at first. It will be of some relief as you can unload with that person what you can't say to friends and family. I visit this site often when something happens that no longer makes sense to me and sure enough I will find a few people experiencing the same family drama or just dealing with the grief. I found I was hyper sensitive and still am to some extent to what is said about my husband or not said. Please stay with us and don't be afraid to write what you are experiencing it is the best way to receive common feedback and ways to cope. I'm sorry you are hurting. - Linda G
  21. I love to read postings like this one. I love the expression of sharing hope. Thank you Mary Linda! - Linda G
  22. Thank you. I did receive my husband's final Autopsy today- so my weekend has become more challenging if that is possible. As Joe died while at work, Massachusetts requires a full Autopsy by the Medical Examiner's office. Thank all of you for your continued support. Everything helps. - Linda G
  23. Good evening Everyone- I'm writing with a heavier heart this evening. My eldest cousin Gary, while on vacation in Europe, fell down an escalator and is on life support in a German hospital while his son flies over from South Carolina to say good bye. The doctor had treated Gary's scrapes but he soon fell to the floor and they discovered a massive head injury. None of the family members wanted to tell me as they feel I am too fragile from my husband's recent death. Gary lost his wife about five years ago to cancer. He was drinking alot and we all were worried. He met a wonderful woman last year and he was happier. The drinking stopped and he began to allow people in his life. In the back of my mind over the past few months, Gary has been my inspiration that I too may find some peace in the future. So, I sit here in this big quiet house crying for my cousin who is leaving us from a hospital bed in Europe this evening. I assume my sadness is elevated due to my recent loss but it just seems so tragic as Gary is truly an enormously honest and witty person. He was the family member at gatherings that would whisper under his breath exactly what the rest of us where thinking. Please say a prayer for Gary tonight. Thank you as always. - Linda G
  24. I think for me - I have no idea what to do next. If I don't do anything, I feel I'm not making a mis-step. I've had our tax information in a pile on my desk for two months. Joe died in the 4th quarter of 2009. I will need help. I will have to explain that Joe died to yet another stranger. Total avoidance. I think part of it is acknowledging that the person who is no longer here is not coming back and we have to "start over". This is so daunting. A new routine - a new life - seems horrible at this stage. I completely understand the inability to pull it together but finding comfort in helping others. I don't know the answer to this beyond it hurts to move on. - Linda G
  25. The best and immediate advice that I can give to you as a recent widow, is to find a Grief Counselor and talk at least once a week at first. Try to find a person thru your local Hospice who can provide one on one counseling. Eat. Read. Write. Walk. Force yourself to leave the house a few hours everyday. Don't let anyone tell you what you should be feeling or doing - go with what is comfortable. Ask for help if you need it. Take Care. - Linda G
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