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KathyD

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About KathyD

  • Birthday 08/28/1970

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    kathydaffy@comcast.net
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    Massachusetts

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  1. Hi Jennie, I'm sorry for your loss...I lost my beloved Dad 5 1/2 months ago so I know how difficult it is. He was (and still is) part of who I am but after he died I felt like a chunk of me had been lopped off, which is similar to changes in self-confidence because you have to adjust to life without that part of you. Your feelings of anger are totally normal - I'm a pretty positive person too but have found myself blowing up at people when I never did that before. At first I thought I was losing it but after reading grief books and posting on this site I realized that all the crazy emotions that I've felt recently are quite common. Everyone here pretty much has described the grieving process as a rollercoaster ride and the anger, jealousy, etc., that you feel is part of that process. It's no fun! I think the only way we can rid ourselves of those feelings is to let them come and eventually they'll abate little by little. Our tolerance during grief is so low that a lot of emotions we rarely dealt with come to the surface and it is hard to deal with. It doesn't take much to stir up a pot of feelings that are new to us and as a result we question why we're doing what we're doing (at least I do). You're still the same person, you're just going through an incredibly tough time right now. Hang in there and keep posting here - everyone is very understanding and compassionate. Kathy
  2. Thank you for the informative links, Marty! I read through a few of them this evening and now I don't feel so bad if I tell my mother what I need to do to survive despite the fact that my feelings don't seem to matter that much to her. She wants to preserve traditions, which I do understand, but for me this is not the time and nothing is traditional about the holidays now that Dad is gone. I'm anticipating a showdown with her and will definitely be sending her the links with hopes that she'll read them and try to recognize that my grief isn't a mirror image of hers, just as hers isn't at all similar to mine due to the mix of circumstances. Thanks again, Kathy
  3. Shell, Thanks for the advice, it helps to know that preserving my sanity has to take priority even if my Mom doesn't understand it. I put on a face for my birthday in order to appease her and just don't think I can do it this first holiday season unless I have my brother around. Going out to see him is an option and if that's what she wants to do I'd be fine with that but I can't support her alone anymore when I feel like I'm sinking fast. She just can't take a step back and see that I hurt too (she NEVER asks how I am, everything is about her) and that having severe depression makes any sort of pressure ten times worse! I noticed that dpoesta (I know I spelled his name wrong) posted another thread on dealing with the holidays and have the same questions he has about handling them. Argghhhh... Kathy
  4. Hi everyone, I know the major holidays are a few months away but I've already been beginning to dread them because they will be the first without my Dad. I have no doubt they will be emotionally difficult (I cry at the thought of them without Dad) but I was counting on support from my brother, who lives in WI with his wife and my nephew. I learned today that his mother-in-law is pressuring them to stay in WI so he doesn't know if he can be here. When I heard that I first became angry at the utter selfishness of his mother-in-law then became despondent at the thought of having to deal with my Mom and senile Grandmother by myself. I don't even know how I'M going to make it through the holidays, let alone put on another face that literally could spark a mental breakdown. It's just too much - I've written that I suffer from clinical depression and know that if I have to go it alone it will do me in completely. Has anyone else been in this situation? It's going to come to my choosing my mental health (which won't be great to begin with) over faking it for my Mom and Grandmother. If I do the latter it could easily send me over the edge into an abyss that took me eight years to climb out of. I'm 36 and can't suffer through that again. Sorry to ramble... Kathy
  5. Shubom, I can completely relate to your feelings of being alone as I'm sitting here feeling that way myself right now. I miss my Dad more than words can express and yet I'm supposed to carry on as though life is normal? My family (Mom, brother) are doing their own things and although I know that everyone copes differently I don't feel like I'm part of the family anymore since Dad and I had a bond that was unbreakable. I also want to jump in the car and just drive as far as I can because my friends aren't really there for me and when they call they call they want me to help them with their problems. They don't even consider that I'm grieving - they want advice and while I try to give it and it does help to feel like I'm helping them I wish they could help me. The fact that the rest of my family is moving on as though nothing happened tears me to pieces. My Dad was the love of my life (he was 68, I'm 36) yet no one gets how important he was to me. So while I have family and friends I still feel completely alone. Rambling and sorry for that...just know that you are not the only one feeling this way! Take care, Kathy
  6. kitkat, I'm also very sorry for your loss as grief is so hard and we all handle it in different ways. I cry every day for my Dad, who I lost in March. I can understand why it's hard to cry, though, because in a way I think we as adults feel like we have to carry on and bottle things up. But crying IS therapeutic despite how exhausting it can be. We're in pain and it should be expressed. The entire experience is overwhelming and there are many days where I just wish I could sleep them away so I didn't have to face the fact that I don't have my best friend here anymore. It's incredibly difficult and there aren't many people who really understand how hard it is (the "you should be over it" crowd). This site is wonderful since everyone here DOES understand and are sympathetic. Keep posting, this place has helped me more than anything. Take care, Kathy
  7. I think that unless a person has experienced a loss as personal as we all have they don't have any clue when it comes to what they say. It's unfortunate that there are those out there who can't take a step back and put themselves in another's shoes but I've learned the hard way that that seems to be the case a lot of times. Insensitive people might be that way because they just are focused on themselves and their lives, and don't take others' pain seriously. My Dad (who passed this March) and I shared the same dentist and one of the first sympathy cards I received was from his office and signed personally by him. So there are good people out there - that's what I try to remind myself of. I would definitely write a letter to anyone who treated a person in grief poorly, though. At least you know that you vented how you feel! In my mind that's what matters. Take care, Kathy
  8. Hi Magdayln, I'm so sorry for your loss. Not crying is perfectly normal, as is everything else you're feeling. I lost my father 5 months ago and have felt tired, depressed, empty, hopeless...the list goes on and on and I'm still in the grieving process. At 5 days you're probably a little numb and in shock even though you weren't close to your Dad. Everyone reacts differently to a death but usually there is a sense of numbness soon afterwards, which may be partially to blame for your not crying. I hope this helps a bit. Take care, Kathy
  9. Shelley, I don't think you're being intentionally mean at all - it once again comes back to how we deal with grief in our own way. There are other threads about this but I too have weeded out people who can't be there for me even though sometimes it makes me feel more isolated. It's natural to push people away if they can't offer support or understanding or just anything. Getting rid of people you don't know means that you don't have to tell them about how difficult it is for you right now and that's totally understandable. It still doesn't mean that you are rude, you're only expressing what you are feeling. Most people don't have a clue! It is a one day at a time situation and no matter what anyone says you have to do what you have to do. I'm 36 and my Mom has to have surgery for a bladder tumor this Wednesday so after losing my Dad 5 months ago and having to deal with this I get rude and angry too when people don't understand. This is a good place to vent (I hope!) because no one judges. Kathy
  10. I think that Ann was right to say that people with tender hearts or who are sensitive have a harder time with the grieving process. If you're capable of giving your entire heart to someone or if you have a significant bond with your loved one the loss hurts much more. My Dad was my life coping with his loss is by far the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But a lot of people just can't form strong bonds with others or don't have the same emotional attachment. While the loss might affect them it won't hit them as hardly. For the record Rayon, crying is a good thing! If you lock up your emotions they'll come out in other ways. Crying does relieve stress and is therapeutic even though it may not seem that way to some. You're not having a nervous breakdown, you're reacting to your grief and it's normal. Take care, Kathy
  11. Hi Starkiss, I think you're just going through what we're all going through or have gone through in the past. Grief lowers your tolerance towards a lot of things that normally wouldn't affect you (boy, have I learned THAT!) and I think that causes some behaviors that we never thought we'd engage in. Grief is overwhelming and it doesn't take much to set us off! I've acted completely uncharacteristically many times and at first thought I was losing it...I finally realized that because coping with loss takes so much out of us emotionally our minds don't have much room to for anything else. I don't think you're conciously pushing other people away and if they are true friends they will understand that you're going through a very difficult tim in your life. But just know that you're not alone with these strange feelings, I've felt many of them the past five months and they change on a day to day basis. Have you bought any books on grief? "How To Go On Living When Someone You Loves Dies" is helpful as it lists "crazy behaviors" that really aren't during the grieving process. Hope this helps a little, Kathy
  12. Rayon, I'm so sorry for your loss. My Dad passed in March and this site has been the only place where others understand the depth of grief emotions, all of which I'd never experienced before and am still experiencing. I think that your father knew you loved him...we tend to think of all the negative things we've said or done but they're past actions and love outweighs everything else. The fact that he didn't want you to know the pain he was in to me indicates that because he was aware of your love he didn't want to see you in pain either. My Dad died of cancer too and also wasn't put on morphine until two days before he died...he always tried to put up a good front even when I could see he was suffering (OK, starting to cry). Neither of us was very expressive about how we felt but we both knew that we loved each other will all our hearts. Words aren't always necessary. I agree that we should tell our loved ones how we feel about them but if it didn't happen in time it doesn't mean they didn't know. Take care, Kathy
  13. Thanks Marty and Paul! Both your posts did help and get me thinking, especially about choice and guilt. I do know that if I avoid my birthday I'll be happy but on the flip side it will crush my mother, who has always insisted on celebrations of some sort. As I'm the only relative nearby outside of my 93 year old grandmother who relies on my mother for everything it feels like that if I don't give my Mom the pleasure of doing something "normal" and traditional it will hurt her deeply. My family is very small - just myself, my brother (in WI), and a few other relatives who we don't have much contact with. Mom doesn't ask for much so for me to avoid even the smallest of celebrations is denying her one of the few things she really wants to do. Add to that the fact that she was recently diagnosed with a possibly malignant bladder tumor and has to have an operation in a week...I guess I feel that while the small celebration might ruin my day my Mom is scared about her diagnosis and really needs a sense of normalcy right now. That's where all the guilt is coming from, along with the anger! I'm taking her for the surgery and will be staying with her (in my childhood home, which is extremely difficult for me do) and while I have NO problem with that I wish she would respect my feelings. Ack! Sorry to ramble again...I sound like a totally selfish daughter... Kathy
  14. Thanks Paul! I tried to tell Mom that but she's relentless and makes me feel guilty if I don't do these family things, even if it IS "my" day. You'd think that after saying that I've been dreading Monday and really didn't want to do anything she would understand that I need to celebrate my birthday alone but instead I was told that I can't "run away from" things. I personally have tried my best at other family functions but just wanted my birthday to be peaceful and not emotionally draining.
  15. I think all the "firsts" are very hard. My father died this past March and his birthday was two weeks after Father's Day so that was tough to get through. My birthday is 4 days away and I'm not looking forward to it since it's the first where Dad won't be there. My Mom is pressuring me to "celebrate", if only in a minor fashion, where I'd prefer to do anything but that. I had a difficult time putting on a face for her and my brother's birthdays in July - I came back to my place on both days a miserable wreck. Now the face has to go back on for my birthday (which makes me sort of mad). Leann, I'd also be interested in finding out about the circle of life necklace, it sounds like a great idea! Kathy
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