KathyD

Hi Jennie, I'm sorry for your loss...I lost my beloved Dad 5 1/2 months ago so I know how difficult it is. He was (and still is) part of who I am but after he died I felt like a chunk of me had been lopped off, which is similar to changes in self-confidence because you have to adjust to life without that part of you. Your feelings of anger are totally normal - I'm a pretty positive person too but have found myself blowing up at people when I never did that before. At first I thought I was losing it but after reading grief books and posting on this site I realized that all the crazy emotions that I've felt recently are quite common. Everyone here pretty much has described the grieving process as a rollercoaster ride and the anger, jealousy, etc., that you feel is part of that process. It's no fun! I think the only way we can rid ourselves of those feelings is to let them come and eventually they'll abate little by little. Our tolerance during grief is so low that a lot of emotions we rarely dealt with come to the surface and it is hard to deal with. It doesn't take much to stir up a pot of feelings that are new to us and as a result we question why we're doing what we're doing (at least I do). You're still the same person, you're just going through an incredibly tough time right now. Hang in there and keep posting here - everyone is very understanding and compassionate. Kathy

Thank you for the informative links, Marty! I read through a few of them this evening and now I don't feel so bad if I tell my mother what I need to do to survive despite the fact that my feelings don't seem to matter that much to her. She wants to preserve traditions, which I do understand, but for me this is not the time and nothing is traditional about the holidays now that Dad is gone. I'm anticipating a showdown with her and will definitely be sending her the links with hopes that she'll read them and try to recognize that my grief isn't a mirror image of hers, just as hers isn't at all similar to mine due to the mix of circumstances. Thanks again, Kathy

Shell, Thanks for the advice, it helps to know that preserving my sanity has to take priority even if my Mom doesn't understand it. I put on a face for my birthday in order to appease her and just don't think I can do it this first holiday season unless I have my brother around. Going out to see him is an option and if that's what she wants to do I'd be fine with that but I can't support her alone anymore when I feel like I'm sinking fast. She just can't take a step back and see that I hurt too (she NEVER asks how I am, everything is about her) and that having severe depression makes any sort of pressure ten times worse! I noticed that dpoesta (I know I spelled his name wrong) posted another thread on dealing with the holidays and have the same questions he has about handling them. Argghhhh... Kathy

Hi everyone, I know the major holidays are a few months away but I've already been beginning to dread them because they will be the first without my Dad. I have no doubt they will be emotionally difficult (I cry at the thought of them without Dad) but I was counting on support from my brother, who lives in WI with his wife and my nephew. I learned today that his mother-in-law is pressuring them to stay in WI so he doesn't know if he can be here. When I heard that I first became angry at the utter selfishness of his mother-in-law then became despondent at the thought of having to deal with my Mom and senile Grandmother by myself. I don't even know how I'M going to make it through the holidays, let alone put on another face that literally could spark a mental breakdown. It's just too much - I've written that I suffer from clinical depression and know that if I have to go it alone it will do me in completely. Has anyone else been in this situation? It's going to come to my choosing my mental health (which won't be great to begin with) over faking it for my Mom and Grandmother. If I do the latter it could easily send me over the edge into an abyss that took me eight years to climb out of. I'm 36 and can't suffer through that again. Sorry to ramble... Kathy

Shubom, I can completely relate to your feelings of being alone as I'm sitting here feeling that way myself right now. I miss my Dad more than words can express and yet I'm supposed to carry on as though life is normal? My family (Mom, brother) are doing their own things and although I know that everyone copes differently I don't feel like I'm part of the family anymore since Dad and I had a bond that was unbreakable. I also want to jump in the car and just drive as far as I can because my friends aren't really there for me and when they call they call they want me to help them with their problems. They don't even consider that I'm grieving - they want advice and while I try to give it and it does help to feel like I'm helping them I wish they could help me. The fact that the rest of my family is moving on as though nothing happened tears me to pieces. My Dad was the love of my life (he was 68, I'm 36) yet no one gets how important he was to me. So while I have family and friends I still feel completely alone. Rambling and sorry for that...just know that you are not the only one feeling this way! Take care, Kathy

kitkat, I'm also very sorry for your loss as grief is so hard and we all handle it in different ways. I cry every day for my Dad, who I lost in March. I can understand why it's hard to cry, though, because in a way I think we as adults feel like we have to carry on and bottle things up. But crying IS therapeutic despite how exhausting it can be. We're in pain and it should be expressed. The entire experience is overwhelming and there are many days where I just wish I could sleep them away so I didn't have to face the fact that I don't have my best friend here anymore. It's incredibly difficult and there aren't many people who really understand how hard it is (the "you should be over it" crowd). This site is wonderful since everyone here DOES understand and are sympathetic. Keep posting, this place has helped me more than anything. Take care, Kathy

I think that unless a person has experienced a loss as personal as we all have they don't have any clue when it comes to what they say. It's unfortunate that there are those out there who can't take a step back and put themselves in another's shoes but I've learned the hard way that that seems to be the case a lot of times. Insensitive people might be that way because they just are focused on themselves and their lives, and don't take others' pain seriously. My Dad (who passed this March) and I shared the same dentist and one of the first sympathy cards I received was from his office and signed personally by him. So there are good people out there - that's what I try to remind myself of. I would definitely write a letter to anyone who treated a person in grief poorly, though. At least you know that you vented how you feel! In my mind that's what matters. Take care, Kathy

Hi Magdayln, I'm so sorry for your loss. Not crying is perfectly normal, as is everything else you're feeling. I lost my father 5 months ago and have felt tired, depressed, empty, hopeless...the list goes on and on and I'm still in the grieving process. At 5 days you're probably a little numb and in shock even though you weren't close to your Dad. Everyone reacts differently to a death but usually there is a sense of numbness soon afterwards, which may be partially to blame for your not crying. I hope this helps a bit. Take care, Kathy

Shelley, I don't think you're being intentionally mean at all - it once again comes back to how we deal with grief in our own way. There are other threads about this but I too have weeded out people who can't be there for me even though sometimes it makes me feel more isolated. It's natural to push people away if they can't offer support or understanding or just anything. Getting rid of people you don't know means that you don't have to tell them about how difficult it is for you right now and that's totally understandable. It still doesn't mean that you are rude, you're only expressing what you are feeling. Most people don't have a clue! It is a one day at a time situation and no matter what anyone says you have to do what you have to do. I'm 36 and my Mom has to have surgery for a bladder tumor this Wednesday so after losing my Dad 5 months ago and having to deal with this I get rude and angry too when people don't understand. This is a good place to vent (I hope!) because no one judges. Kathy

I think that Ann was right to say that people with tender hearts or who are sensitive have a harder time with the grieving process. If you're capable of giving your entire heart to someone or if you have a significant bond with your loved one the loss hurts much more. My Dad was my life coping with his loss is by far the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But a lot of people just can't form strong bonds with others or don't have the same emotional attachment. While the loss might affect them it won't hit them as hardly. For the record Rayon, crying is a good thing! If you lock up your emotions they'll come out in other ways. Crying does relieve stress and is therapeutic even though it may not seem that way to some. You're not having a nervous breakdown, you're reacting to your grief and it's normal. Take care, Kathy

Hi Starkiss, I think you're just going through what we're all going through or have gone through in the past. Grief lowers your tolerance towards a lot of things that normally wouldn't affect you (boy, have I learned THAT!) and I think that causes some behaviors that we never thought we'd engage in. Grief is overwhelming and it doesn't take much to set us off! I've acted completely uncharacteristically many times and at first thought I was losing it...I finally realized that because coping with loss takes so much out of us emotionally our minds don't have much room to for anything else. I don't think you're conciously pushing other people away and if they are true friends they will understand that you're going through a very difficult tim in your life. But just know that you're not alone with these strange feelings, I've felt many of them the past five months and they change on a day to day basis. Have you bought any books on grief? "How To Go On Living When Someone You Loves Dies" is helpful as it lists "crazy behaviors" that really aren't during the grieving process. Hope this helps a little, Kathy

Rayon, I'm so sorry for your loss. My Dad passed in March and this site has been the only place where others understand the depth of grief emotions, all of which I'd never experienced before and am still experiencing. I think that your father knew you loved him...we tend to think of all the negative things we've said or done but they're past actions and love outweighs everything else. The fact that he didn't want you to know the pain he was in to me indicates that because he was aware of your love he didn't want to see you in pain either. My Dad died of cancer too and also wasn't put on morphine until two days before he died...he always tried to put up a good front even when I could see he was suffering (OK, starting to cry). Neither of us was very expressive about how we felt but we both knew that we loved each other will all our hearts. Words aren't always necessary. I agree that we should tell our loved ones how we feel about them but if it didn't happen in time it doesn't mean they didn't know. Take care, Kathy

Thanks Marty and Paul! Both your posts did help and get me thinking, especially about choice and guilt. I do know that if I avoid my birthday I'll be happy but on the flip side it will crush my mother, who has always insisted on celebrations of some sort. As I'm the only relative nearby outside of my 93 year old grandmother who relies on my mother for everything it feels like that if I don't give my Mom the pleasure of doing something "normal" and traditional it will hurt her deeply. My family is very small - just myself, my brother (in WI), and a few other relatives who we don't have much contact with. Mom doesn't ask for much so for me to avoid even the smallest of celebrations is denying her one of the few things she really wants to do. Add to that the fact that she was recently diagnosed with a possibly malignant bladder tumor and has to have an operation in a week...I guess I feel that while the small celebration might ruin my day my Mom is scared about her diagnosis and really needs a sense of normalcy right now. That's where all the guilt is coming from, along with the anger! I'm taking her for the surgery and will be staying with her (in my childhood home, which is extremely difficult for me do) and while I have NO problem with that I wish she would respect my feelings. Ack! Sorry to ramble again...I sound like a totally selfish daughter... Kathy

Thanks Paul! I tried to tell Mom that but she's relentless and makes me feel guilty if I don't do these family things, even if it IS "my" day. You'd think that after saying that I've been dreading Monday and really didn't want to do anything she would understand that I need to celebrate my birthday alone but instead I was told that I can't "run away from" things. I personally have tried my best at other family functions but just wanted my birthday to be peaceful and not emotionally draining.

I think all the "firsts" are very hard. My father died this past March and his birthday was two weeks after Father's Day so that was tough to get through. My birthday is 4 days away and I'm not looking forward to it since it's the first where Dad won't be there. My Mom is pressuring me to "celebrate", if only in a minor fashion, where I'd prefer to do anything but that. I had a difficult time putting on a face for her and my brother's birthdays in July - I came back to my place on both days a miserable wreck. Now the face has to go back on for my birthday (which makes me sort of mad). Leann, I'd also be interested in finding out about the circle of life necklace, it sounds like a great idea! Kathy

Hi Amanda, Your worries are totally understandable as I think anyone who went through losses twice during the same circumstances would automatically start to think about the same thins happening when the circumstance arise again. But I also think that when we do that we fall victim to the "what if" factor and it only causes us more worry. After I lost my Dad this past March every time I received bad news I'd go into the "what if this or that happens" mode and it made things worse. I try to tell myself that we just can't KNOW and because we can't it's futile to dwell on something we can't predict. Maybe try to look at the holiday as something your son will really enjoy and try to envision all the fun he's going to have while he's away? Think about how excited he is and what new experiences he'll gain by taking the trip? I guess if we try to spin our worries into a positive light it sometimes makes them lessen. Take care, Kathy

Thank you so much for your post, Marty! I did miss it when the website was down and it was very much a relief to know that my thoughts regarding my psychiatrist's cluelessness were on the right track. I think that because he knows I have a long history of clinical depression he automatically pre-judged my behaviors after Dad passed as "signs" that the depression had returned and ignored the fact that grief is NOT the same as clinical depression. It was just disheartening to be completely reamed by a so-called professional despite the fact that I have a degree in psychology and have have done extensive graduate study in the field. While I don't look forward to my next visit with him I will tell him about what you've written with hopes that he might be able to stop being a clinician for a moment and start learning what empathy is, along with the fact that sites such as this one are much more helpful than psychiatrists who dole out textbook judgements. Thanks again, Kathy

Thanks for everyone's responses, for some reason I wasn't able to access this site for a couple of days and I think my appreciations were erased (at least a few posts were!). I think I have found a decent grief counselor but she's also so busy that she won't be able to see me for at least week. That wouldn't have been a problem until I learned on Friday that my Mom has a tumor in her bladder. Mom didn't want to get into details but from what I can tell it's probably cancerous...I know I'll be bringing her to have surgery on the 6th and then she has to go back to the doctor every 3 months for at least a year or more. Does anyone know anything about bladder cancer/tumors? I've tried to do research but everything is very unclear. Kathy

Thanks Lori! You're right about switching doctors but I've seen this one for so long that it's hard to start with someone new. I'm hoping that the therapist I called will be helpful and not be so negative...I know that any counseling is hard because you have to confront feelings but to have them completely ignored is not good. I don't think therapy is designed to make you happy - it's more about learning about yourself - but on the flip side too much is too much. I told him just what you wrote, that I was trying my best, but apparently in his view I'm not. He asked whether I'd rather "experience the grief and be miserabe for a year or more" or take something to ease the pain. In all fairness I have been suffering from depression for a long time but I told him in this case I needed to feel the feelings. He disagreed because he didn't want me wallowing in sorrow. I do see his point but in my case this sort of wallowing in sorrow has nothing to do with the depressions I've experienced in the past. Dad was my world and not a neurobiological abnormality, so instead of being simply depressed I'm trying to work on the grief. It's very frustrating since my doctor lumps in Dad's death with everything else when that is far from the truth. I hope this makes some sense because I know most of you haven't had clinical depression, but I also hope that you know there is a difference between being depressed and grieving because there is. Sorry to ramble - it's been a rough and very "down" day due to my doctor. Kathy

Thanks Starkiss, I can't say that I'm completely normal because of how hard grieving is but I'm a psychology major and to have a person who supposedly knows the difficulty of loss not provide any reinforcement hurt. In my mind a psychiatrist or counselor should congratulate you on what you have overcome and suggest actions that can help with what you haven't. I guess I just thought I was doing better by following an exercise plan and trying to re-connect with friends but since I'm admittedly emotionally fragile to hear only negatives hurt. I understand the void you feel completely because I feel the same way...I suppose that because I was trying to fill that void and a doctor ignored my efforts it stung harder. He even told me that to come here and vent was the wrong thing to do because none of us are counselors! I responded that this place has been more than helpful but he brushed that off as well. Right now I'm torn - I personally believe that my emotions are natural since Dad passed recently but it seems that I'm in the minority with that belief. Whatever the case, thanks for responding. I left my doctor's office more upset and angry than I have been in a long time. Kathy

Hi everyone, I went to see my psychiatrist for the first time since Dad died this past March and was a complete wreck since I had to re-tell what happened. I was crying because it's hard to talk about Dad's sudden downfall and last day but my doctor seemed to think that I was being overly emotional. I tried to tell him that I'm not upset every day and that I didn't think that my sadness less than five months after Dad's death was abnormal...I did confess to doing some stupid things immediately after he passed and how hard some things have been but I walked out of his office feeling like I should be over it. He didn't come out and say it but disregarded my comments about five months not being that long, how I've tried to be social, do yoga, etc. All I got in return was the sense that there is something wrong with me. I don't know how he expected me to behave since while I can talk about Dad talking about his last days is much different. I know a lot of us have had people tell us we should be "over it" and although I agreed with my doctor that counseling would be helpful I also was let down that he couldn't recognize that I'm trying and that I'm early into the grief process (he didn't seem to think that what my grief books have to say meant much). Has anyone else had someone who's a professional be like this? I felt OK when I woke up this morning but feel everything I've been proud of doing meant nothing after talking to him. Thanks for listening, Kathy

Hi Leann, Although I hate to welcome you to this site I'm glad you found it because there are so many wonderful people here who know what you're going through. I lost my Dad in March and we had the same sort of relationship that you had with yours - we'd talk daily about anything and everything. I had my phone programmed so a special ring would go off when he'd call and I start to cry just thinking that I'll never hear that and smile like I used to. And it's so hard to watch/read/see things that I knew Dad would have gotten a kick out of...whenever I do I have the urge to phone and when I realize that I can't I either break down or put my brain on "robotic" mode so I don't have to think. What's difficult is trying to act as though enough time has passed that you're over it (4 months?!!) since everyone seems to believe that moving on is on a set timetable. In most cases everyone who says that sort of thing hasn't lost a person who meant the world to them. I've gotten to the point where I can't talk about my grief to my friends because in their minds it's old news. At any rate, I think I understand what you're going through and hope that this site is helpful. It has been for me whenever I feel like I'm going nuts - I post and feel better knowing that I'm not alone. Take care, Kathy

Thank you all for your input and responses, they are a big help since I know I'm not alone and not reacting abnormally. I guess I was thinking that we move through the phases without regressing but I now know that I was wrong - maybe it was wishful thinking that the pain would go away once I entered the newest phase. I think Lori and Paul both hit the nail on the head with comments about the brain going idle at times and digesting the loss bit by bit. I was just worried that my brain was idling TOO much but also know that once the holiday season hits it will be forced into "drive;" I suppose subconsciously my mind knows things will get worse soon and is compensating for the future by allowing me not to think until I have to. Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate what you all have to say! Kathy

Hi everyone, My beloved father passed on 3/30/06 and I've read a few grief books that discuss the different "phases" we all go through when grieving. I know that denial is the first phase and while I went numb and didn't want to believe what was true for a bit after the first two months I accepted that I'd never see or talk to Dad again. I was pretty much a miserable wreck during that period but over the past month or so I've been able to get through most days without breaking down and have been social, going out, etc. However, whenever I see or hear anything that reminds me of Dad I start to cry then my mind seems to shift to "don't think about it" mode and I carry on with what I was doing. I was wondering whether blocking out painful memories means that I'm actually still in the denial phase? I do have days of consant sobbing and heartache so bad that I don't think I can go on, but on the days where I put up my mental blockade I manage and can do the things I've always done before Dad's death. Does this make any sense? I was just curious whether putting up that blockade means that part of me remains in denial. Kathy

I also boarded the bad habits bus and think that we do what we can to make it through each day, no matter how destructive the behaviors might be. I drank to numb the pain the first two months after Dad passed away (3/30/06) then stopped to go on an exercise and diet plan. While I've stuck to it for the most part there are days where the mental pain is so hard to handle that I've fallen off the wagon. I've also started smoking more - I quit but started again after Dad was diagnosed with Leukemia. I had limited myself to three cigarettes a day but since his death its crept up to roughly ten. These past four months have been so agonizing that I don't blame myself for doing things I shouldn't, I know that eventually the grief will lessen and I won't need the crutches that I use now. The amount of stress felt after a death of a loved one is indescribable (Dad was the love of my life) and resorting to destructive behaviors is probably very common. Kathy