MHO419

Beautiful...Forgiveness 33 months and I haven't: planted, harvested, worked, cleaned, painted, hiked, slept, or grieved.

Hello, I feel like I can't talk on this forum because I feel numb. The pain is too much for me to handle so I have been coping using denial. I can't handle this emotional rollercoaster. I read all of the posts from everyone and I see the love and compassion that each of you have for each other. It is such a beautiful thing. My husband passed away October 22nd. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life and I've been through quite alot. (I was in the Air Force for almost 10 years and spent alot of time in the middle east) I never, ever thought I would be a widow at 32 years old. My heart is broken into a million-billion pieces. I was holding his hand and stroking his hair when he took his last breath. I was telling him it's ok to go with God and I will be ok but I will miss him. He was suffering so much pain, it broke my heart to watch as I took care of him during his last 6 days while he was in Hospice. The liver cancer had grown so fast and so large that it choked itself. But the liver was so damaged that even if we could have gotten rid of the cancer, he would have died anyway. We had no options for treatment. Any treatment we would have done would have killed him anyway. All of his organs were shutting down. His heart was so strong though and he fought so hard. He was always so determined. I may never know what God's plan has been for me through all of this. I have prayed to God to guide me through all of this and I have felt the Holy Spirit guiding me. There are so many questions I have because he was so young (34 yrs old). I trust that God has his reasons and this makes sense in His "Big Picture." It sure doesn't make sense to me. We were just starting our lives. As of right now, I don't want to or have the desire to start over. I am still young but it will take me some time to get through this. I hope this New Year is easier on all of us. God Bless, Maxine

Hello Everyone, I have been here almost everyday reading but I haven't had energy to write. I like how Phyllis put it, "I'm just clinging desperately to the side of the cliff trying not to hit the bottom." Yesterday, nothing seemed to go right for me. I was having such difficulty concentrating and functioning. I finally realized that yesterday was 2 months since my husband died of liver cancer at 34 years old. I try really hard not to watch the calendar or count the days. But it seems that my subconcious mind keeps track. I feel like I'm in a catatonic state most of the time. I can just sit and stare at the wall. I can't even concentrate to type this post. I will try again later. I can't even express what I feel. God Bless you all, Maxine

Ellen, I hope we can walk out of it together too. Someday... I don't see any light at all, just dark clouds and fog and I feel like I'm funneling down into the 7th circle of Hell. I feel like my days are getting worse, if that is possible. My heart is ripped to shreds. I am barely going through the motions. I know I am being too hard on myself. I always expect alot from myself. LindaKoz is always saying, "be gentle on yourself." Linda has been the most inspirational person on this site for me so far. I can relate to her very well and she helps me wrap my brain around things. I say, "be gentle" to myself in my head but I don't know how to communicate it to my heart right now. There is nothing gentle about the ripping and shredding and heaviness and anxiety and tightness that my heart feels right now. Also, if I want to analyze myself, I will say that it is because I was in the Air Force for almost 10 years and have trained myself to keep pushing forward no matter how bad it feels. I am a very determined person when I have to be, except when it comes to matters of the heart. I can be outwardly "determined and steadfast." But my insides are a pile of mush. The only strength I have right now is coming from the Holy Spirit. Just as it was when I was taking care of my Wen while he was severely ill from liver cancer for 4 months. As a human, I have no strength of my own now or then. I didn't know what I was doing from one minute to the next, I was just following my heart. That last 6 days of Wen's life, we were at home with Hospice and the nurses were literally, "Angels sent from God." They were so amazing. They put my mind at ease, and assured me that I was doing everything possible to keep Wen as comfortable as possible while waiting for the inevitable. Now I have to close because the flashbacks from those heartbreaking days of watching "My Love" slip away from me are so vivid and clear it feels like it happened this morning. I hate looking at the clock at 10:30 am everyday because that was his time of death. I'll be back tomorrow, I'm going to cry myself to sleep and do it all over again tomorrow. God Bless you all, Thanks for the loving and caring words, If I read them enough, I hope I can feel them, Maxine

Hello, I can't even bring myself to send the thank you cards for everyone that attended Wen's memorial and sent sympathy cards, emails and all the phone calls and texts I received. Christmas cards are completely out of the question for me. I know they have all moved on with their lives and maybe they won't even notice. I feel guilty because I can't bring myself to talk to many of them. I am very choosy about who I talk to. I only want to talk to people who went through this with me. I don't want to have to explain things to people who weren't here to see what I went through. Even when we were using Hospice at home, we had friends sleeping on the floor and the couches and Wen's parents and sister in the spare rooms, and some friends staying with other nearby friends. Those are the only people that have the slightest idea of what I am going through. There were 12 people in my bedroom when my husband took his last breath. 2 of them were Hospice nurses and the rest were family and friends. I am very lucky for that. Wen had many friends. He could make friends with anyone and everyone. He is loved and missed by many... Maxine

Hello, I am reading what you are all writing. I feel like I am going backwards... Or is it more like a rollercoaster? I can't tell. I'm still dealing with life insurance and bills and legal stuff. Today, I feel completely hopeless and helpless. Although I think I accomplished some things today, but it was all in a daze. I am so sad, I can't even express my sadness. I feel totally inconsolable. Linda said that she has "decided to choose life." That sounds nice, I want to do that some day. I have been walking around in a fog. It doesn't feel like I'm living, I feel like I am barely existing. Sort of like my husband, Wen, during the last 4 days of his life. I don't feel any quality in my life. I am broken-hearted and miserable. Maxine

Linda, I am still very new to this site. My husband, Wen, passed away October 22, 2009, after a short 4 month battle with liver cancer at the age of 34. I also feel as you do; "Memories seem to be flooding into my mind," and, "I don't even know myself anymore. I look in the mirror and see a stranger. I'm tired and I just want to hibernate until spring comes." I try to run away from myself but everywhere I run, I'm still there:( I am tired all of the time. I want to turn off my brain and my heart feels shattered. I am still dealing with life insurance and legal things and paperwork having to do with Wen's death. It seems to be getting more difficult for me everyday. I don't think it is only because of the holidays for me, it is everyday. My husband and I didn't have any children yet, so we were still kids just playing everyday. Of course, we wanted to have children soon but God didn't have that in his plans for us. I am only 32 years old and I don't think I even figured out who I am yet, but now I have to start again. I finally found my soul-mate and at this point, I can't even consider having to start over. I feel that Wen is the lucky one, because he doesn't have all of these "earthly" stressors to deal with anymore. I'm just so tired... Maxine

Thank you Tim and Deborah, I have been taking anti-depressants and anxiety medications and meds to help me sleep. I see my psychiatrist every other week to adjust my meds and we haven't found the right "cocktail" for my needs right now. I also see my therapist 2 times a week. I'm taking this week off from the therapist because it is getting exhausting for me. I wish I could hibernate through this grief. Like alot of people, I am impatient and I want the grief to go away now. I know it takes time though. Deborah, you are exactly right, anything extra curricular wears me out so much. Even going to my therapist and psychiatrist makes me exhausted. My mom has moved in with me and she drives me everywhere (work, appointments, etc) right now because I can't concentrate and I got into a car accident the day before my husband's memorial service. I feel like an invalid right now. I feel paralyzed in my body and my brain. All I want to do is sleep but when I sleep I have bad dreams, so I can't win. Maxine

My husband passed away October 22, 2009, at the age of 34. He was diagnosed with liver cancer on June 28, 2009. We tried 1 round of chemo and his cancer did not respond to it. Because of other medical issues, we had no other options for treatment. We went to another hospital for a second opinion and received the same answer. I have bad days and worse days. I think today is a “worse” day. I barely continue with my daily activities, but I am just going through the motions. I don't get enjoyment out of many things. Everyone says, "This is normal," and "Things will get easier." I know all of that but the pain from losing my husband is so unbearable. Several years ago, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety from childhood trauma and trauma from when I was in Iraq (I was active duty in the Air Force for almost 10 years). My husband was active duty in the Air Force for almost 14 years and was active duty when he passed away. I feel that this depression and anxiety is slowly eating at me until I will go crazy. I have been talking to chaplains, friends, family, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, you name it. I still feel like I'm in a fog. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. How can that "be normal and how can that get easier?" I know that it will because I have been through some pretty traumatic things in my life, but this is the worst thing that has happened to me in my short 32 years on earth. I need some guidance and not some stupid cliché words that sound good but don't really help me right now.