hikedenali

Thanks all. A bit better today. You know, it's been 6 months (and 1 day) and still, on my drive home from work, I think about calling my mom when I get home. I just never imagined anything could be this hard - and keep getting harder. Things that were previously meaningful just seem so insignificant and without purpose. I feel as though I have no idea where I belong; that I need to be bringing something to this world that people will remember when I'm gone - but I don't know what. Despite her circumstances, my mom did so much for so many, I can only hope to be half the person she was. I've been told the sun will shine again, and I believe it - but I can't yet imagine it.

I just need to scream for a minute. In the last 10 days it has been Mother's Day, my birthday, and now today, 6 months since my mother passed. It has been hell. When does it stop getting harder and start getting better???

Thanks all for your responses. I ended up submitting my form with that question left blank - I'm going to take my chances. If if does come up, your help has given me some ideas in how I can respond. tracy

Thanks Kavish - I'm sure it would help. It's a bit out of my comfort zone right now though - there will be 50 - 100 people there. I'll keep trying to "talk" about it here, it does help. tracy

Well, I figured I dipped a toe in the water the other day when I made my first post. Reading through all of the other messages and responses has been very helpful for me, so perhaps it's time to jump in with both feet. The first few weeks after my mom passed were awful, but I was home and with family and that helped. I've now been back in the UK since the first of the year and have been on a roller coaster ride like I've never experienced before. The first few weeks I felt nothing - absolutely nothing. Truthfully, it scared me. I thought that if I couldn't feel anything, I must be in such a bad state that I couldn't even identify how poorly I was. I knew it would catch up with me though, and it has. The past week has been nothing but tears; it started when I was doing taxes and had to go through the books and receipts my mom kept for me (she took care of some of my financial things in the US). It's been downhill since then. Today, I went in to work only to find that I have to fill out a "questionnaire" for an all-day work event I have to attend with the COO and our senior leadership team. I'm really having a hard time with one question - "the best thing that happened to me outside of work recently was:______". My definition of "best" is probably quite different from anyone else right now. My honest answer is "the best thing that happened to me outside of work recently was that I didn't breakdown at the traditional Christmas Eve get together with my family.". Somehow, I don't think that's what they're looking for. I'm afraid leaving it blank will cause me to be put on the spot at the meeting, with a request to answer it personally in front of everyone. Any suggestions?

Hi Babs - REO Speedwagon - "And I meant, every word I said When I said that I love you I meant That I love you forever And I'm gonna keep on lovin you Cause it's the only thing I wanna do I don't wanna sleep I just wanna keep on lovin you" I too found myself on the music thread the other night - the tears were flowing and I soon found myself on iTunes... It's funny how we can find our words and feelings in music when we can't get them out ourself, and often when we need it most. take care, tracy

On 11 Nov, I got a call from my sister that she had found my mom in bed, unresponsive, and had called the squad to take her to the ER. The doctors said her kidneys were shutting down and she had only a few days left. We could extend her time if we chose to send her to another hospital and put her on dialysis - but that was not an option. My mom had always made it clear that she didn't want machines keeping her alive and that there was always to be a DNR in place should something happen. I live in England; home is in the States. I booked the next flight out of London and made it to the hospital 30 hrs after I got the phone call. I always knew I would have to face this day, but never has a journey home been so difficult - I am still not sure how I did it. When I got there, my mother was alert and eating and showing some signs of recovery. She told me that after she came to in the emergency room, the pain was so bad that she just didn't want to go on. But she had to - because I wasn't there. I believe her initial signs of recovery were a result of her will to make it until both her girls were with her. I stayed with her night and day until she passed away at 5am on the 19th of November, with her best friend, my sister, and I all at her bedside. She was only 67 and she had fought more battles than anyone should ever have to. Over the last 15-20 years, she had 2 heart surgeries, numerous strokes and heart attacks, and a laundry list of other ailments. She was on a first name basis with the staff at the local ER. She did two rounds with Hospice (yes 2, her incredible strength pulled her through round 1 about 10 years ago). No matter what hit her, she always came through, even when the odds were against her. She always remained positive and touched all those she knew. She was generous, optimistic, and always put others first. It is not often that someone's doctor will come to the funeral of a patient; hers did, and he told me that she was not only his favourite patient, but was also the favourite of his entire staff. Her visiting nurse would always make sure that she scheduled my mom as her last patient of the day, as she always wanted to spend extra time just chatting and visiting. My mom's home health aide was not allowed personal visits with her clients and was not permitted to visit them in the hospital - she did anyway. Friends and relatives have told me that my mom was, and always will be, their hero. She is my hero too. I can't even begin to describe how the deep the hurt is and how much I miss her. There have been several things that have happened after her death that have really caught my attention. Most notably, I recently had a dream that I feel was much more than that. It was a normal dream full of things that seem to make no sense. However, my mom showed up and interrupted it. She was wearing a pink sweater and looked very healthy, and the oxygen tube she wore for many years wasn't there. She also looked younger than she was when she passed away. I couldn't see all of her - it was more like a bust. Everything and everyone else in the dream seemed to disappear. I could see nothing but the image of my mother; it was kind of like the two of us were in another dimension. I knew she wasn't alive, but I also knew she was right in front of me and I could see her and hear her. I'm not sure of the exact words my mom said, but it was something like, "I'm not really here". Her voice seemed to be coming from right next to me; it was not coming from her "image". I pointed to her image and said, "Yes you are, I see you - you're right there". Again, not sure of her exact reply, but it was to the effect of, "Yes, and you'll see me again, but I won't really be there". At that point, she was gone. The dream continued, and no one else realised anything had happened. And then I immediately awoke in bed - it was 4am and I was wide awake. Usually, if I wake in the middle of the night because of a dream, I feel anxious or scared. But not this time - I was calm and could only think about how nice it was to see my mom looking healthy and happy, and how good it made me feel to see that she was okay. The words don't really do justice to the "conversation" between us - although I could "hear" her, it was more like I was hearing "feelings" rather than real words; the message was more a feeling of "you see me now and you'll see me again", but not in the physical sense ("I'm not really here"). Rather hard to describe. Again, all I could think of was how nice it was see her, and to see her healthy and happy. I really do feel like she was there - and I really hope I see her again! Sorry for rambling on - I don't talk much, but when I do......