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JohnG

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Everything posted by JohnG

  1. Lately I have been experiencing mood swings that bounce back and forth throughout the day and night. I can wake up in a decent mood, go out for a run, get ready and go to work all before 4am and then be reduced to a a terribly sad mood instantly from I don't know what cause. I've paid attention to diet, exercise, sleep habits, everything. What may work one night, morning or afternoon won't the next. I have analysed this and it's driving me mad. Why can't I get a hold on what is causing my highs and tap into that?!
  2. Another one of those days where everything is gray. I'm just going through the motions so far today, I don't feel like doing anything. Conversation seems pointless, friends are welcome but I don't feel like I have the energy to deal with much. I seem to be floating around the edges of everything, not taking part, just here. It's all part of the grief process I know but it's such a hopeless feeling. It will pass, I needed to vent it, I guess. Take care all.
  3. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARSHA!!! PEACE & LOVE, JOHN
  4. Kim, I feel the same about each and everyone of you on this site. Thank you and love all you guys!!!!
  5. Hi Sue, I'm so sorry for your loss.We are all feeling your pain. You have found a good place and can say anything you need to here.We will help you get through any way we can. We are here for you. Peace & Love, John
  6. laurieb, You are back with us and we're glad. Uninspiring post? You hurt! Anything we can do to help ease your pain is what we care about. Pour out whatever you need, we will all listen, support and love you all we can. Peace & Love. John
  7. Dear Kim, I know how you feel.Everything in my house, every photo of Krystal, every place I remember seeing her standing or sitting, every aspect of the house that she designed, the exact spot where she took her own life, everything about this place brings me pain. Seven months later I have very few good memories and what I do have turns sad very quickly. I feel stuck in this grief. My therapist is encouraging in that she does see progress, but to me it feels like I'm chipping away microscopic pieces of Everest. I weep continuously, everywhere. I am sure that some day I will find peace and I'm sure you will too, how or when I don't know. We are all on a very long, terrible journey that we can get through with each others support. Please keep talking to us, let us know everything you feel and we will do everything we can to help you. Peace and love. John
  8. As of late I have found myself feeling a great need for solitude. It's not a sitting around brooding, feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in my misery thing, it's a genuine desire to want to feel my emotions to their fullest good and bad.I review issues raised in counseling, feelings my family and friends have brought up and anything and everything to do with my my present reality. It really feels good to know that I can go through these feelings and survive. I find I have a bit more clarity about issues in my life past, present and future and I am certainly stronger. It's easy to understand wanting to feel the good ones but the bad ones?! They seem to help the most once felt, thought out and dealt with. These brief episodes don't solve or end my pain but they help get me a little closer to wherever I'm supposed to end up. This may contradict my lonliness and feeling of abandonment and I honestly can't explain why it's different, it just is. It's something I need. I don't want to be around anybody, it's not that they aren't needed but for this part of my grief journey I need to be alone.
  9. I don't know if this is "irrational" but I got into my car and just drove and drove and drove until my mind was so numb with being tired that it took every bit of concentration on the road to get back home. Maybe not irrational but definitely irresponsible. In the intense grief and disbelief I was in who was thinking rationally?! Even now, 7 months later, I have to fight the urge to want to flee in that manner when the fear and panic begin to rise.
  10. The grief suffered by those of us touched by suicide is something that can not be described. I'm left with so many unanswerable questions, what does a final note reading "I am sorry, I do love you" explain?! All of the professional explanations that I read and even comprehend and understand don't stop my emotions from continuing to feel lost and abandoned. The sudden loss haunts me constantly. She is in every part of this house and I find no joy in that. The good memories lead me right to the horrific fact that this woman who I shared these memories with and who was loved immensely, destroyed her own life. The sense of numbness and emptiness is a feeling that has left me shattered. I have so many wonderful people in my life but I sit and stare wondering what happened?! Therapy is helping but today and tonight I am lost. I'm rambling I know but that is one of the worst things about my grief. My mind is a constant storm of thoughts that never take shape but are formed just enough to create confusion, I want to voice these thoughts so badly yet when I try it is nothing but a convoluted mess. I'll continue to try though. Hopefully tonight in sleep I will find some escape from this horror with no answers.
  11. Hi, Susie Q. Just this morning I awoke to a feeling of absolute gloom. I thought "what's going on here?! I've had two days of relative peace and happiness and now I'm back down again!". Your post this morning was a godsend, the good periods in my life are preceeded by episodes of absolute despair. I too notice that after these times of terrible pain I seem to gain strength from my 'meltdowns' and that they are not lasting quite as long. I'm able to bounce back, in tiny, almost imperceptible increments, a bit quicker and easier. So even though today started out dismally, with the help of your words I now "KNOW" it won't last forever and understanding this helps me get through this grief. Thank you so much for saving my day. Peace and Love. John
  12. Over the weekend It became obvious to me how much of a victim I felt I had become. Almost everything that happens now whether it's the guilt from people telling me I shouldn't let it get me down to getting half way home and discovering soy milk was left out of my coffee, I feel bad, victimized. I don't want this! I am strong, I know this. I know I will come out the other end of this horrible journey, not the same but alive. How do we differentiate the sadness of normal grief from the reaction of feeling like "one more injustice" heaped upon us? I don't know if this really makes any sense, it's a feeling that was with me all weekend. I want to be sad but I don't want to feel like a victim.
  13. Six days after Krystal died I was driving my parents back to the airport when it all of a sudden hit me that at 45 years old I was now a widower, a term I had always associated with much older men. I started laughing at the absurdity of that and when my Mom asked what was so funny I asked did you ever think your son would be referred to by that term. She sadly shook her head and said no, never. I use the term officially on forms just to avoid bureaucratic trouble but I don't really use it any other time, single is usually what I use which doesn't really bother me. I seem to have gotten past the still being married/wedding ring problem. It seemed natural to progress through that quickly.
  14. It's 6 o'clock on a Sunday morning. My weekend so far has been a struggle to do normal things such as clean house, do the marketing etc..., all of which have taken herculean efforts to keep from just sitting down in the middle of what I'm doing and giving up. I've spoken to friends and family on the phone and I can't say that it's helped me at all, I don't know why they're words miss the mark. I've driven past bars on my way home and really wanted to go in and just sit and drink all night just to dull the lonliness and for the personal interaction but that's not me. I've sat in coffee shops staring over my coffee trying to come to grips with this pain. I've virtually run out of my coffee shop, church and the market because the tears well up and I know that the emotional anguish that will emerge is not something I can cope with publicly, not to mention that it's manifestation would horrify bystanders. Sleep has only come with the help of a sleep aid, but anytime I have been awake I am weeping inconsolably, choking on tears, screaming out to God to help me. I'm scared and lonely. Those around me don't help. I can only tell you, my dear friends here on this site, the agony I feel and know that you understand.I just had talk to somebody. Thanks.
  15. I've read that some of you find great comfort in keeping a journal. I 've started one and written in it periodically but I can't seem to develope a relationship with it. It sounds like such a wonderful personal thing you have and I'm sure it could be of immense help to me. Any of you who can give me some advice, tips and/or techniques for developing this wonderful tool I will be eternally grateful to you. Love you all
  16. Sharon, I'm sorry for peoples insensitivity. I deal with this all of the time as I'm sure we all do. Being told to focus on the task at hand, hold your head up, concentrate on the positive, look at the good things in your future. As Marsha said "WTF?!" This isn't something that just goes away when the person that you thought you'd be with forever is suddenly not there. I'm sure I'm ranting but I ask all of the time why don't people get it? If you don't know what to say then be quiet and give a comforting touch, that's what we all need and aren't getting nearly enough of. Too many words and not enough genuine physical comforting.
  17. Here it goes again. Another long day of trying to just get through. Everything hurts. My body, my mind, my relationships with friends and family. My hope and memories even hurt.All I want to do is to crawl onto the sofa, under my favorite red comforter with my sheep pillow named Sean and not be bothered with anything or anyone until this is all over. I am sick of life this way. I'm sitting in my driveway at 3 am weeping as if it will never stop. I know it's just a bad day but when you feel all alone "just a bad day" is a pretty horrific thing. Well... off to try and cope.
  18. AZJane, I would like the info on that chat room. Thank you.
  19. Hi Rochel, I agree with the returning to your home. Friends and family seem to think I'd be better off staying with them and I just can not explain to them that as painful as it is I need to be in my home.There are alot of triggers. I was walking up the driveway one afternoon last week and the light and the smell of the air was something I had experienced many times before and I could see and feel Krystal up on the porch looking down at me with that smile of hers. I just sat in the driveway and wept. I got up eventually and like you decided I had to swim, though treading water is more like it. I've asked God alot of nights to just let me die in my sleep but I don't do that quite as much. That's a step forward, I guess. Anyway, Happy Birthday tomorrow and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Peace & Love. John
  20. Dear Korina I am so sorry for the grief you're going through. That seems so inadequate but going through the same thing it comes from the bottom of my heart. Going back to work is tough. I jumped back in very quickly but that didn't help. I was unfocused and distracted most of the time, I just wanted to go back home but there was definitely no joy there. I was and still am lost. I do the same thing except with email. K would email and text throughout the day and I now find myself leaving those things up waiting not for her but for that loving communication I had gotten so used to. As far as unsympathetic officials go, that can be one of the hardest parts of this journey. It's all you can do to get into work much less do your job for 8+ hours and then have to spend the afternoon/evenings trying to get official documents and communications taken care of only to be met by people who seem to feel that your grief is nothing compared to the fact that they are overworked.That can suck any energy you may have at the end of the day fast! The weekends for me are terribly lonely. I don't know how I get through them. I dread them starting Thursday morning and then suddenly it's Monday morning. I just cope and survive but I'm baffled if there's any technique I use. I will be thinking of you all day today. I understand the pain you feel missing Scott. Take care. Peace and Love. John
  21. I have found that I am becoming extremely worried that my expression of normal grief ( I guess it's normal) is starting to make people around me uncomfortable and that they are tired of hearing about it. I can't act like life is okay even when I hear 'it will get better".I'm sure it will but even with the greatest friends and family and my total love for them I'm still moving in this fog. I limit my contact with them because I seem to feel better that I'm not burdening them with my sadness. I hate the solitude but I don't want to hurt them and bring them down and consequently be hurt myself from someone eventually saying "sigh...again with the sadness, what you need to do is...". Do any of you feel this way? What do I do? What do you do?
  22. Dear Teny, I'm very sorry for your loss. It's nice to know that you felt that you had the perfect relationship. I know we all feel the same way. I hope your suffering fades. Peace & Love, John
  23. The more time that goes by the deeper I seem to be sinking into depression. I'm seeing a therapist which is an immediate help but by the time my next session comes around I feel even lower. I'm reading all of the books on grief and suicide I can find, I have wonderful friends and family for support but when I get into the house I feel utterly alone and abandoned. I've tried antidepressants but they seem to just lock me into not being able to move. I just sit and stare still knowing there's pain but not being able to do anything. My friends and family desperately want to help and they ask me what they can do but I don't know what to tell them. I don't know what to do to help myself. I am just overwhelmed by howling episodes of anguish. The lonliness is unbearable.
  24. I don't know how but I made it through my anniversary. There were a few tearful episodes that really hurt but I seemed to spend most of the day in a quiet, numb fog. My best friend, my sister and my brother helped immensely throughout the day with texts and phone calls giving me their love. I really don't deserve any of them because yesterday I was a selfish self pitying individual. They stuck by me despite this. My parents and inlaws also offered their support. I also want to thank you for giving me the encouragement, love and support also needed to survive yesterday. Love you all!
  25. I thought that I would be completely distraught today, every little thing triggering a flood of emotion and memories, but so far I am just totally numb. Nothing seems to register. It may seem early to most but I've been up for awhile. Normal?
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