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EllenF

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Everything posted by EllenF

  1. I am listening in the background of my computer,,,,I can only imagine.......will I dance for you Jesus,,,will I sing......yes Linda....lets pray that we fully.....open and accept God's healing.....its there waiting if we can just reach it........hugggggggs
  2. Thanks to everyone who has sent a response to my topic/story. It is comforting to me to be able to share with you and for me to share in your story also. I realize even though I feel so alone, I am NOT alone. There are other people in the world who are hurting just as I am and they understand. What an amazing amount of love is filtered through this site, one for another, but all the love that is amongst us for our lost loved ones wraps us together in wonderful package. I think this package is the best Christmas gift I will experience this year. It's not the gift we would have chosen, but none the less it is a gift!!......hugggs and love from......Ellen
  3. hi everyone, I read each and every post here...and I guess we all have to deal with our grief in some of the same ways and some different. My husband was called home just a month ago. We (I did it and he watched :-) sent cards out each year and it was pretty special because all his family lived far away from us. I always sent them couple days after Thanksgiving and this year only 2 weeks after he was gone, I got the cards out (shopped last year after Christmas sales) and began to address them. When I got ready to sign the very first card I cried and cried. I didn't even know how to sign it. Finally I just signed Ellen. Every card (about 40)was signed through tears, but when I finished I actually felt better. I don't know if for me it was therapy or just cried out. I did sign the one to his mom (she is 90) Ellen (& Stinker) our little dog that Mark so loved. Even now its hard to type this without a tear or two. So for me I was able to not skip the cards. The hardest thing right now for me is, we loved taking this time of year to find little things to surprise the other for Christmas. I miss that. Maybe I'm a little nuts, my kids would say a whole lot, but this weekend I bought for Mark to give to me...in my mind....a special ornament he always bought me an inspirational jim shore one....so this year I just helped him pick it out....smiles.......Huggggs to all of you...I'm so glad we have each other to share with...because we understand.
  4. Yes, you and I were blessed to have had such loves in our lives, and I can see already in one day that sharing with you and others is very helpful. It's kind of like an online Chicken Soup type thing. I can feel that you understand and these others who are broken hearted know how we feel. Just tonight I was with loving family members for a Christmas outing that we usually do each year. I am blessed and all of my brothers and sisters and my dad and stepmom were there. They not experiencing a loss, don't understand the my heart literally feels broken. Here I want to reach out and help others who I know feel what I feel. Thanks again..and hugs my new friend.......Ellen...PS. I can't really dance that well....I always think of that sign that says dance like no one is watching.....but I believe in the words of the song....you have to keep trying things ie keep on dancing... smiles
  5. Thanks Deborah for responding. I'm also sorry for your loss. Cancer got to be a word we hated, but we always had hope, like I'm sure you and Larry did. I can relate to your statement "I was fighting so hard to save his life I had not time to realize it was over." That describes me exactly. I was also fighting so hard with my Mark that I never stopped to think "this is it" I think I was blindsided when one day he was talking about the future and the next he hardly knew who I was. Thankyou for reminding me of the love we shared, as it will see me through at times....hugggs...Ellen
  6. Thanks so much for your response.....huggggs to you........Ellen
  7. Thanks so much for the link to the book and information about Dr. Childs!! I look forward to checking it out. I already feel blessed to have such a caring place, where I can be helped, and where I can reach out and help others along the way!! Hugs Ellen
  8. Dear Linda, I'm not sure that I'm replying in the correct places yet, but thank you so much for such kind and understanding words. Yes it is helpful here to me to be able to write how I feel and maybe even cry a bit as I type, the other person doesnt have to hear you like people who know you in person. I feel a link to you already, in the fact that you understand how one can find and lose their true love in a few short years. It will be helpful offering support to others. I have found in life that one starts to lose that "feel sorry for themselves" when they reach out and help others in need. Aren't we lucky that we experienced such loves in our lives. Sometimes people go forever without that. I will share something with you as I sit here I am looking at a figurine that Mark gave me last Christmas. It is one of two dancers (figurines without faces..know you've seen them) embracing as they dance. He knew that my theme song in life is "I Hope You Dance" and knew that I embraced life that way. I choose to dance and I will get that feeling back, I know I will. Lots of virtual hugs your friend Ellen
  9. Maxine, I am walking in the fog with you (mark passed 11/11/09) and I feel like my heart is broken. Just know someone is walking in the fog with you and maybe we can walk out together one day. Ellen
  10. I love what you said Susie Q about "would I rather suffer this heartbreat at losing him or never met him" I have been asked if I ever regretted my marriage because of the health struggles we had on our journey, (and I know these people love me even though its an insensitive question) and I so agree that your quote is so correct. Thanks for that, it helps me too!!!!!!!Ellen
  11. Thank you for sharing your beautiful love story. I just found this site myself. I lost my husband ll/ll/09 and I understand what you feel about the love of your life. Hopefully we will find a strength by sharing our stories and feelings with the other members of this site. I know it takes time, I have heard it over and over, but the time will never dull the love we loss, just the pain. May God heal our broken hearts. your friend Ellen
  12. December 14, 2009 I have been looking for an online support, and stumbled into this site today. I have been reading many of the posts and can see and feel so many of the emotions that I have been experiencing. The "gut" feeling that you get when things happen daily to remind you of the missing part of you, occurs when you least expect it. The feeling that you are not part of things going on around you, just going throught the motions of life, trying to stay afloat constantly plagues me. My story: I met Mark the love of my life, believe it or not, from a major online dating organization, and we fell into the most beautiful relationship. He had lost his wife a year before and I was divorced. He lived in a nearby city. We decided to marry on February 28, 2007. I was going to retire early and join him in the country (and I mean the boonies, gravel road and all)and start our life together. Late in November, 2006, Mark was diagnosed with protate cancer. He came to me, telling me about it, and gave me opportunity to postpone or get out of marriage all together. God had so blessed us finding each other that even with this devastating news I just gave him a hug and we talked it through. The following Wednesday, my half day off, we "RAN" away and got married, Dec 6, 2006. I like to say that because we both were in early 60s and our kids laughed at us for eloping. We needed to marry early so I could be there for Mark when his treatments started in January. Well through the year of 2007 we fought the cancer. Mark took 42 radiation treatments and did quite well. We became the happy newly-weds and lived life to the fullest. Then in January 2008 after a routine colonoscopy Mark was diagnosed with Stage 4, Colon cancer, mest...to the liver. He went through surgery and started on chemo within 6 weeks. It was a very long road. He was on some type of chemo for almost 20 months. He tolerated it well, compared to some. He was very weak most of the time, but we never lost our spirit of hope. Finally our regular cancer doctor had tried everything and he referred Mark to Vanderbilt and we were hopeful to get Mark into a sucessful clinical trial there. We went to Nashville November 4, 2009 where he had many appointments and tests to start the treatments. By the end of the day, a doctor told Mark that his liver functions had declined and that he was no longer a candidate for treatment options. She said it would be months at best. The next day, we saw our regular doctor in our local town, and he had been in touch with the doctor from the day before and he informed us it would be one to three months in his opinion. My Mark died November 11, 2009, less than a week. I was devastated. Even though he had been sick for couple of years, I didn't have time to wrap my mind around the idea and he was gone. As I look back, I believe that God took Mark home, because he knew the hope we had was gone. Mark was a 23 year Navy vet, and God honored him, in my heart, by taking him home on Veteran's Day. A lot of people here have lost loved ones of many years, and even though Mark and I only had 3 1/2 years together, we have been joined at the hip for those few years. We lived a very private isolated life in a very rural beautiful area. We never had "one" unkind word to each other and just loved being together. I feel so lost now. I look around me and I see things we planned to do together this holiday season. We had no idea that he would be gone so fast. But the one thing that gives me comfort is, we never left anything unsaid between us. I have just rambled in the posting, but its something I needed to do. I shared part of my story. I could actually probably write a book about my life with Mark. We had such a special love, that it makes my sisters "do" the gag expression when they would hear our stories. Where am I in this emotional roller coaster? Like a previous person said I wake up in the middle of the night, I can't go to sleep until late, I have a lost feeling all the time, and I try so hard to stay busy, going through the motions. I am glad I found this site, since I know people here understand what my tears are about and it gives me hope to know that others have made it through. Thanks for reading this mess....sorry it's so long. Ellen
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