It was always you and me against the world, it was okay that we never fit in because WE never fit with the world. I always knew that I was okay because you were okay and everyone loved you so much. Sometimes I feel, now, that I was put on this earth just to be by your side, but you left... Now that you are gone I am not sure how to define myself... it was always us, for 42 years... I imagine I must have maybe twenty years at least to live here but I am not sure how to do that without you. I remember sitting on the beach with you and telling you it's okay to leave, I will be fine... That is what you needed to hear so I said it but it's not okay... I am going on for our Maya, mommy, but I feel I am failing without you and your great love. Why, when I was already at such a low point in my life did God allow me to watch you die? Why did I have to see you take your last breath and struggle with your sanity? And why haven't you come to me in some way to let me know there is a life past this horrifying one? I have no peace within about anything and I need help and to believe again. I love you mommy...
