Sharon3

I haven't been on for a while but needed some wisdom tonight as I go out alone to a commitment I must keep...........and read your post..........you go girl.

Your story is heart wrenchlng.......I am so sorry for what you both endured. There is no easy way through this journey but the most comforting thing for me was to know I wasn't going crazy..........my life was being validated on this site by people who had lost their spouse and knew the pain of this. I also did one on one counselling for about 9 months It has been 25 months for me and I am having more good days than bad but it is not the life I thought I would have and it takes tremendous effort to try and make a life that you can actually be happy with and have a purposeful life. I find that everyone goes on with their life, no one ever asks how you are doing and people fall off when you are no longer a couple....so it is hard. I recently experienced a health issue and was hospitalized and realized the "firsts" are never done. It will be a lifetime of "firsts" without my husband and I have to accept that. One day at a time and one step in front of another....don't look too far ahead, try to just get by and live in the moment...for me that helped...........

Pieces of your story are part of my story. My husband died suddenly while we were on vacation. He was a carpenter and I too had the hard job of going thru his tools. We had a son who was devasted at the loss of his father but I was able to give him all of his Dad's tools. But going tyhrough his room filloed with all the things he owned of his own brought me such sorrow and rivers of tears that I never would have thought possible. In terms of moving........everyone told me not to move or make any major decisions in the first year. Within the month I had placed a deposit on a condo that was being built. Had I waited I never would have got the one I wanted. I put my home up for sale and was out of it 5 1/2 months after my husband's passing. I have always said the road to my new home was hell but it was worth the horrific journey because I could not stay in the house we shared. For me, that was too painful. Everyone has to come to their own decisions. Everyone offers advice, even my Mother told me not to move. In the end it is your journey. I just wanted you to know that I made the decision to move right away and for me it worked the way it was suppossed to. I hope you make the decisions that work for you in your personal journey of grief.

While I won't dexcribe it all "The Prophet" talks of Joy and Sorrow and in part says "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart and yu shall see that in truty you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Together they come and when one sits alone with you..........remember that the other is asleep.............. Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. I find this to be true and thought I would share...........it can be seen in its entirety by googling "The Prophet"

I too just passed the two year mark and I too know of the lonliness you talk about. Just the other day my son said something about the way I treat my little granddaughter. I said how do I treat her and he said "you treat her like you are never going to see her again". I tried to tell him that she is my life and I really only feel true joy when I am with her. She is 2 3/4 and is full of love and joy and loves spending time with me. I don't know what I would do without her but she does not fill the lonely nights. I try to think of the song by Garth Brooks "The Dance"....and would I have lived my life as I did if I knew I would end up this way..............the answer is yes and I am hopeful there are happy days ahead of me....I just hope I don't have to wait too long to experience it. I miss my husband so much and I took so much for granted..............the two year mark was just as sad but maybe not as raw. I wish us all happiness again.

I have missed this site and realized it helps me so much through this process..........If nothing else, for me, it is this way. It is only because we loved so much that we feel such sorrow and I am sure none of us would have given up on the love so we need to allow ourselves to work through the sorrow. We have all been promised by others that the wonderful memories will take away the sorrow one day and I hope they are right..................In the meantime I allow myself to feel the pain when it comes. Hang in there...we all hope for a better day. Carol Ann you inspire me with your spiritual perspective.

Thanks for your comments. It was in fact one of those days where you experience such pain that you can not really enjoy the moment but I know there will be moments ahead that will bring me joy with my new Grandson. I have a Granddaughter age 2 1/2 and she talks about Grandpa all the time because she has pictures of them together and we talk to her about how much he loved her. I was sitting with her and my son in the Hospital Cafeteria waiting for them to give us the okay to go up and see my Grandson and I started crying, almost uncontrollably. My son, of course asked what was wrong and he shared with me how much he missed his Dad on this special day. At this point my Granddaughter looked upset and said "why are you sad Grandma?" In that instant I decided to say the truth and said "I am sad because Grandpa is not here with us". She said "But I am here with you Grandma"...........OMG what a lesson. She then jumped up and gave me a hug and gave me her new doll to hold. I had to leave temporarily because her tender heart made me cry even more. I really felt like my husband was saying that through her........enjoy them they are there in front of you to love.

It has been some weeks maybe even a month since I have been on this site. I lost my husband 23 months ago. I have more good days than bad but always the saddness. Tomorrow our Grandson will be born and the anxiety over it is killing me. I am grateful for his birth and know he will bring me joy but the thought of my husband not being there to experience the joy is turning it into fear of the experience. I am so so sad for him and for me and for my son and for my grandson that we will never know the joy of the experience he should have had with his Grandpa.

hi Marion...just wanted to add that about 6 weeks after I moved into my condo I met a woman that I believe was sent to me. I either see her every day or talk or text with her several times a day. She is just down the hall and I feel so blessed to have her. I met her by opening the gym door when I heard someone in there because it would have been the time I would be in there but wasn't ready to work out again yet...so be open to the possibility of meeting new people.

Well this will be my 2nd Xmas without my husband...last year I invited his sister and his brother and his wife to my house for Xmas Eve along with my family. We had done this for years. My Mother-in-law passed away 4 months after my husband and his dad had been gone for years. They came Xmas Eve, were well fed and had drinks and left with presents in their hands. Previous to this I had called them on several occasions, invited them to my granddaughters baptism etc. etc. So when they left XmAS Eve I asked them to please call me and to keep in touch and that we are feeling left out of the family. My brother in law said he would call me the next week for coffee............... I have never heard from any of them since that night. So needless to say I don't need to be hit over the head with a brick. My husband would be horrified and I wouldn't be that mean to say that to them . I think they are ignoring us because my son never got my husband's share of his grandmothers estate. But that is just a guess. His sister in law asked me for family things back after my husband passed. I told her that I was part of her family for over 40 years and nothing was going back............how hurtful and rude. It really does bring out the best in some people and the worst in others. I am trying to accept the loss of the relationship but can't seem to find closure...but there is no way they are getting an invite this year.

good for you Marion. I too moved and not long after my husband passed. He passed away in February..I bought my condo in March (it was being built)..sold my house in August, moved in with my son for 2 months and then moved into my condo in October. It was absolutely the right move for me...I am much better here. What I tell people, when they ask, is that the path to my condo was hell, but it was absolutely the right move for me. I had to deal with things long before I was ready, and had to downsize and cried a million tears but it was worth the battle..............so good for you...a house is just that, a house of lumber and drywall etc. you can't run from your pain it stays with you as do your memories.

what I wouldn't give to have all those comments and thoughts back, including needing a break..it wasn't until he was gone that I realized I loved him as much as I did the first day I met him and would have loved to have learned that lesson another way and while he was still alive. If I had known he was dying, I would have at least had a chance to say those feelings that had gone unsaid but he died suddenly and I never got a chance to say goodbye. I miss him with every inch of me and it has been 20 months and people still make me crazy and say stupid things, I am just able to handle it a LITTLE bit better now. As I have said before I hope somehow he knows how much I love him and miss him....hang in there.

Melina you really touched a chord with me as well. I know that the love my husband and I had was so deep when we met over 40 years ago but I thought it had weakened over the years...Not until after his sudden death did I realize that it was always there, but life's ups and downs got in the way of recognizing it and acknowledging it to one another. My hope is that somehow he knows how much I loved him, how much I wish I had done more and said more and made our life more. I miss him every day and my life and my heart will never be the same and I have not accepted that, it just is. Thank you for your post.

My husband has been gone for 18 months. He passed away when our Granddaughter was 8 months old. She was the light of his life and continues to be the light of my life. She is now just past two years old. We talk about him to her all the time and of course we have pictures. I made a book about the 8 months they had together and I put a picture of the two of them in her bedroom at her house. I have the same picture of them in my bedroom. However, it would be the assumption she has no memory of his being with her. Yesterday she said to me out of the blue "I want to play with Grandpa" I said "Where is Grandpa"...she said "he is in your bedroom". I said "Show Grandma"....so we walked into my bedroom...she picked up his picture and hugged it to her heart and then kissed him and left. It was so bittersweet and made me think that in her dreams or in her mind or in her presence she has played with him after his passing. My mind, like many adults has been so closed to the possibilities of feeling the presence ofmy husband but children do not know such judgements or notions.........What an awakening.

What a wonderful writing that unfortunately we all relate to............thank you

I am sorry for your loss and welcome to the site which helps me so much on my journey. Some days I don't think I have progressed very much but I have. I too am Canadian and we are celebrating Thanksgiving this weekend. Last year Thanksgiving without my husband was torture because I didnot feel I had anything to be thankful for. This year we celebrated on Saturday night and I looked around the table and knew as much as I missed my husband I had much also to be thankful for. Tears are badges of love and you just let them loose. My Mother to this day (I cried in front of her the other day) still tells me not to cry...but that generation were taught to suck it up.........I think it shows strength to cry ....it takes strength to show your vulnerability....so do what you need to do not what other people who are not walking in your shoes think you should do...............and try and get thru Thanksgiving.........the next one will be better.

I can remember looking around me at different places or events and the people there and asking how can they all be happy. I didn't want to be around happy people because I was more than miserable....it does get easier. But people do not get our pain...you unfortunately have to experience it to know what to give others and that is one of the lessons we learn. However I agree with the other comments, if she is a good friend and she sounds like she. she unfortunaely is not reading you. I remember saying "can we talk about something else" and it did the trick ....they got the message.

Most of my friends or our friends, have moved on and have little to do with me now that I am alone. I have actively tried to make new friends and have 2 new friends that are very dear to me and never even knew my husband.....so you have to push yourself and look for new people to enter your life because the old ones don't seem all that interested. I would hope that I would be different but perhaps you have to learn the lesson the hard way and how to support someone who has lost the love of their live, beyond the first few months. I still face lonliness and it doesn't seem to get better. I am still taking something so I can sleep at night but I can forget for a little while each day....when I am around others. I wish there was a retreat where we could all go and meet and share our stories........I know we have local grief groups..I have never participated. I did see a counsellor for about 6 months but not much seemed to change............all everyone wants to say is "what you are experiencing is normal". Well it may be normal but it is not normal for me............I hate that word.

I get it............I am in a place now that is different. Befoe I was fighting the pain and grief and trying everything to survive and keep busy to avoid the pain....now I am in a place where I don't care about anything or anyone....I just want to be by myself...I think I have gone from grief to depression.......crying all the time. It has been 18 months and now I see no hope for my life. It is such a roller coaster....I hope it passes. I feel your pain and I hope bettter days ahead for all of us.

45 to 1 1/2...............I met my husband when I was 16 and 8 days after my 61st birthday he was suddenly gone. You take your life so for granted........even in that time I did not say enough, did not live enough, did not do enough ...with him. I cannot imagine myself with anyone but him. I will never be the same person I was with him but I chase away the days. Keeping busy eases the reality of my life. I still love him, miss him every day, cry for him but I am just now trying to figure out what the rest of my life will be. I want it to be different and purposeful and meaningful. I want to be more than a Mother, Grandmother, Daughter, Sister and Friend...but I don't know how to get the jumpstart just yet. I work casually, I do some crafts, I volunteer, I meet friends for lunch, dinner and movies, I look after my Granddaughter sometimes, who is the light of my life....but it is not enough without my husband so I am still grieving and now searching for more purpose............anyone in the same boat?

Lack of energy is part of the grieving process we go through. It is exhausting to be on such an emotional journey every day. In time your energy will increase. I too thought it was just me, but I had it validated many times through this post and through my counsellor that the emotion we feel and the stress we may be under is exhausting. On the other hand, it does not mean we go to bed and pull the covers up over our head every day as we might like as this not healthy either. Just know what you are feeling is real and part of what you are going through....listen to your body and take care of yourself.

I agree with many things you bring up Suzanne. It has been 18 months since my husband passed away. I think of him every day, every night. I give myself A for effort in trying to keep busy and making friends so that I am not sitting alone every night in my home. I have a wonderful son. I have a granddaughter, who I adore and they bring me both happiness and saddness because my husband should be here to share in their lives. My son and his wife are expecting another baby and I am so sad that this baby will never know it's Grandfather. We are finishing a cottage that my husband started and it brings me such saddness that he is not here to see his project to completion and such emotion when I am picking out carpet etc...wondering if he would like it. I find my life in conflict..such happy moments/days and such sad moments/days. My sister just told me that many people ask her if I am seeing anyone. I started to cry because I still feel married and could never open my heart to anyone else. I don't think that is a choice..it is how I feel. I am learning to accept my life as it is but am not happy with it. I have not heard from my husband's family since Xmas when they were in my home, drinking, eating and leaving with gifts. All contact had been with me and I finally just left it in their court and I now know their choice. We had close friends who were actually travelling with us when my husband died suddenly and I haven't heard from them since May...........so things like that just add to my saddness even though in my heart I feel I have done everything to maintain relationships. So our grief is compounded by the way some relationships go afterwards. In general it is a road I did not see coming and I feel my life is wasting because I am not living to my potential without my husband.

I has been 1 year and 6 months that I have been a widow and I, like you, don't acknowledge that very often. I still think I am married even though I know he is gone. I think I am married because I cannot think of life without him. I keep busy every day but somedays I still don't believe I lost him so suddenly. I push myself each and every day but feel like I am just filling in the time because I still don't know what my path is. I said to my son just a few days ago that somedays I just don't believe it,...he said he feels the same way but is quiet about his grief. It is his Birthday next week and my heart goes out to him because his father should be celebrating his birthday. We find it hard to celebrate anything...we just acknowledge his loss on those days that should be special. I told someone today that my husband passed away and it was like they didn't even hear me....they said nothing. I too have lost many friends who don't know what to do with me but I feel fortunate because I have made new friends and they accept me as the person I am today. So I urge you to continue with your new path of meeting new people....it works for me...........I am sorry for your loss.

It is very tough to go through your birthday and your spouses...........I bought myself a gift on both of our birthdays. It made me feel somehow better. It was a Pandora bracelet and I will buy a charm for my birthday and his until it is full. I wear it with love for him. Try to find something to honour your spouse on these days...it may make it easier.

I too received som e advice to not do anything for a year but I feel if I didn't, I would have totally lost myself in my grief. I bought a new condo a month after my husband suddenly passed away. However, it was new and the move in date was actually going to be 7 months later. So I listed my house and sold it, put my stuff in storage, moved in with my son for 2 months and then moved to my condo where I am so happy to be rid of the responsibility of the house. We were in the middle of building a cottage so I had that and knew I could not manage both.. I totally made the right decision for myself. So my advice is do what your inner voice is telling you to do. A house is made of lumber and drywall...you take your memories with you. I left my house with no regrets. You can't run from grief but you can make your life easier so that you are more equipped to deal with it so do what you need to do...not what other people tell you to do, especially those that don't know what it is like to loose the love of your life.