I will never forget November 27th, 2009, that is the day I lost my beautiful little Doxie named Obie. As a matter of fact, November 27th was also her birthday. She was exactly 13 years old and full of life but she was also a very sick little puppy. It was hard to tell this loving little dog was as sick as she was as she would spring out of her bed and scamper around in delight as we awoke every morning. Every night, when I arrived home, she would greet me at the door with her loving little brown eyes, nudging her wet little nose against my leg or hand and then herd me to her food bowl in the kitchen. She was always hungry just like a doxie should be.
Obie was suffering from a number of ailments including thyroid and Cushing’s disease. She was on plenty of medication which she took graciously without a fuss twice a day; it was simply our ritual with extra yummy food. Unfortunately, there was yet something else brewing inside her tiny little body, which nobody yet knew about, which nobody could see and which there was nothing that could be done. She had a cancerous tumour which was sucking the life out of her.
Although she was very sick, she never complained and was always there for me. It is incredible how happy and healthy she seemed to be. The only indictor that something was wrong was that, in her last few days alive, she had a terrible bladder infection which caused her to have two pee accidents in the house which she never, ever had before. I know that she felt badly and perhaps she was even scarred, I hope she didn't feel that way but it seemed so. I quickly had her urine checked and she was prescribed an antibiotic for 4 weeks, it was a very bad infection the vet said. I no sooner returned home from the vet's with her medication when I noticed that Obie seemed sad, confused and tired. I thought her behaviour was because of all the medication and because of the bladder infection so I decided to take my beautiful little pup upstairs for a nap with me as we did all the time. As I was falling asleep with her right beside me, I noticed that she was shaking; I covered her with a blanket and fell asleep. When I awoke she seemed as if she was asleep but as I tried to awaken her to take her downstairs, she did not respond, she was alive but unconscious. I rushed her to the vet's thinking that she had crashed on her Cushing’s medication. I knew that her condition was not good but when the vet came into the room and told me that she was hemorrhaging in her abdomen from what he thought was a cancerous tumour, my heart stopped. I didn't believe him; I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Everything was in slow motion after that as I basically tried to dispute his diagnosis and prognosis. Surely he was wrong and he just didn't know her whole medical story. Unfortunately, he was right, he didn't even offer surgery or chemo, which I would have not attempted, I simply could not put my little friend through all of that for maybe two more months of a suffering life. The vet said that if he tried to operate that she would probably not survive the surgery; hey he was not even sure she was still alive as we spoke in the waiting room. She was dying and all I could do was to let her go as painlessly as possible. He assured me that she was not in pain as I walked in the room for our final goodbye. It was heart wrenching, I couldn't believe that this was it with her. After my final little whispers in her ears telling her that I loved her and that she was a good girl, we let her go. It was peaceful and quick.
I have had to put a number of cats and even a pet turtle to sleep in the past, and all of those experiences were heartbreaking, but nothing to me was as sad as having to let my little puppy girl go. She was just so special, she simply owned my heart.
Five weeks later I find myself even sadder and crying all the time. I miss her; I miss her loving little personality. I miss her crazy little antics as she was always trying to get me to give her extra food. I miss hearing her collar rattle as she shakes in the morning, I miss the sound of her paws clicking against the wooden floor, I miss her snores at night, I miss laughing with her - not at her. I simply miss her.
Unfortunately, my sorrow is compounded with the loss of my sister who died almost 2 years ago; she was only 46 and died suddenly of a heart problem. It was a shock to our entire family and especially to me as I actually found her and tried to do CPR on her. I knew even before I started CPR that she was gone but all I could remember was what they told me from my course, if you start CPR, they will try to revive her, if not they will pronounce her dead then and there. I had to give her any chance possible. The doctors could not revive her and she died that day. Losing my little dog has brought all that sadness back and more. It is a devastating feeling and I am so sad, I am not sure how long this hole in my heart is going to hurt.
As understanding and as patient as my family and friends have been with the loss of my puppy girl, it is hard for others to understand the overwhelming grief that is felt when a best little friend dies. I have read many of the loving stories that others have shared on this website. They make me sad but they also make me realize that I am not the only one who loved and who misses their beloved dog or animal friend. It is a real, it is a deep and it is a very sad loss that really touches the heart.
With this great loss, I find myself still asking questions, not believing what has happened and wondering if I did something wrong, did I do everything possible for Obie? Did I fail her? She trusted me as a child trusts a parent, did I let her down? It is torturing me. I can't sleep at night, I am crying all the time and I am so sad.
I need help and I don't know what to do.
I miss my friend and I am so sad.
michelle
