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mommy2markay

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Everything posted by mommy2markay

  1. I know what you mean, today a co worker was talking to me and I just sat there. I do what I have to do at work but when I get home it's so hard not to just stay in bed. My two boys keep me going and when I think I can't do it I try for them. Sometimes I feel like I have to put my feelings to the side so everyone else is ok. My heart is just filled with sadness. February 7 was two months since my daugher passed.
  2. As bad is my sound it's nice to know someone who has shared my grief. When I first notice she was different I honestly though it was linked to her being a girl and it broke my heart. When I go to the store I avoid the baby section and feel so empty walking by it. I am grateful for my boys, but I can't stop thinking of the bond they I will never have with my daughter. Right now the whole grieving process has put stress on my fiance and our relationship. We just grieve so differently. When we first returned home after the funeral ,he had asked my brother to put all Markay's baby stuff away, at first it didn't bother because I knew he wasn't ready to see all her stuff. When we got home I felt so bad, our room was so empty and no sign that she was ever there. I felt terrible and I had went to the closet and got her pictures out and her ultrasound pictures.I wasn't ready to put all her things away. I put her pictures on the fridge. I told him that I wanted people to now that she was here. He was glad that I put the pictures up I just think he thought he woud have a worse time. Sometimes I get angry, I guess displaced anger and it ends up being directed at him. Sometimes I just think that he doesn't know how I feel and maybe I don't with him.
  3. Right now I feel so lost. I look at other babies and even those with trisomy who are still living and think " Why can't that be my baby?" At times I feel angry and so powerless. I look forward to the day that I can see her again. Some days I think I am okay but at night I'm really not, I stay strong for my boys during the day. My fiance had said that I wake in the middle of the night complaining about noises in the house. I guess one night I told him I could feel the baby in my arms. For some reason I can't remember those dreams and it makes my heart so heavy.Last night I woke up at 2:30 in the morning and couldn't sleep, all I could think about was her and how lonely it is in my room without her.
  4. My baby girl received her angel wings Dec 7 2009. It was actually unexpected when we found out about her disorder. I had a normal pregancy until Oct 22, 2009.It was discovered on the day that my baby was only 5 lbs and I was a day off from being 39 weeks. I was sent to the hospital that day for induction. The next day I had decided to have c section since the baby was stress even with little contractions. She was born Oct 23, 2009@ 6:31 PM. She weighed 4lbs 2 oz. Doctors had thougth that she could have a genetic disorder but had not received the diagnostic test yet.So while I recovered I cried every day and tried my hardest not to carry the sadness to the NICU to see her. The following Tueday we received the news..... she had trisomy 18.It was devasting. The DR proceeded in telling us that babies with her condition usually have less then a year to live and stating that she would never walk,never talk or sit up. All I could think about was her clothes she would never wear, my dreams of having girl days with her. I felt awful, after all this was my sweet baby girl that I had wanted so much and the only child that I had actually prepared for. After I was able to control my sadness I mumbled out "When can she come home?" All I wanted was her to come home so that she can meet her two big brothers that had been waiting to see her. Most mothers find out about the baby having trisomy while they are still pregnant,however I have yet to find a mother who had received the news after she has given birth form online stories. I was angry at first, thinking how could they not know or say anything was wrong with my baby, after all I had 3 ultrasounds prior with no indicaiton, other then my baby was small but they just pushed up my due date. Then I thought about what if I did know would it make it any easier knowing that I was carrying a baby that might not live and for me the answer is no. I would'nt want her to feel any different then my previous pregnancies. Sometimes I think maybe that is what gave her the strength to be with us for 45 days. My baby was discharged from the hospital 10/30/09. I was so happy that finally her brothers can meet their baby sister. I remember my youngest son telling me that he wasn't going to be a big brother until his sister came home. I remember the first week I was consumed with the disorder fearing that I would wake up and she would be gone. I was constantly checking on her. Then as the first week went by , I would get comfortable and I would see that she was beating the odds considering the disorder. Her brothers took turns holding her and loving her up.It was great, although I did n't know when her time would be to leave I loved every moment with her. She taught me what true unconditional love was. She was so pure and innocent all she knew was love.I wake up every day and smell her baby clothes that she wore. I miss her so much. At times I feel guilty doing fun things just because she consumed my life, I lived for her the days she was living. I think the only thing that keeps me going are my boys and to have them know and feel that its going to be ok. My fiance and I have talked of having more kids in fact when I found out about her disorder I wanted another baby right away. Now I think about and sometimes I feel bad. I know I need time to heal, my body is still feeling the aftermath of having a baby and I was pumping breast milk. I have yet to dream of my sweet baby girl and I don't know if I do and I can't remember or if my brain just won't let me.Today is just a really sad day for me. I made the phone call today to set up a session with a bereavement counselor for my family. I hope that we can feel better going to a person to talk to.
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