Well, I am new here. I found this site as I was browsing for a story similar to mine, if there is one... I feel so empty and lost at times. I broke down and cried so hard today and I feel so depressed. But just yesterday I thought it was a great day and I was fine... I found this home video my mom made for me a few years ago... I guess I shouldn't have watched it.
I guess I should tell you that in the past year I have lost my grandfather (April 09) and then my uncle (June 09, the day after his birthday, he had just turned 47) and then my mother this past October (29 Oct 09, the day BEFORE her 49th birthday). I am having the hardest time of coming to grips with it all at once. Neither my uncle or my mother's death were expected. My mom had cancer previously, but had been in remission for years. She went to the hospital not feeling well and vomited in her sleep and went into cardiac arrest. After that it's all downhill and I don't even want to rehash it all again right now, I'm sure as a group who have all lost a parent or grandparent, you get the idea.
The thing is, I am in the military and stationed far away from my family. I can't go to my sister. I couldn't be there for my uncle or my mom or my grandfather or anyone... Back when my mom had cancer, I couldn't just go home. I feel bad sometimes, like I abandoned my siblings and my mom to be in the military... Like it is more important than them. I live in FL and they are in PA & NJ. I'm 29, no children, never married, no significant other to speak of at the time and I've only been living in this area for about 2 years, so I don't have close friends here. Most days I am fine... I keep busy, call acquiantances, make plans, play with my 2 dogs, whatever I can... But some days, like today, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel like my world has been shattered, like nothing matters. I feel HEAVY is the only way I can describe it. I just feel like I needed more time. How did this happen? How is it that my mom is just GONE...
We didn't always get along, and she wasn't the picture perfect mother. But she was my mom. I truly loved her, no matter what struggles we have gone through. We were so clsoe for a while and then after I moved overseas for 2 years, we kind of drifted apart... I know I'm rambling. I just have so many thoughts running through my mind. I don't know how to organize them or speak my mind. I feel like I'm falling apart today. :-(
Deep breath....
