Hi John, I am new to this forum. I lost the love of my life last April. She was only 49 and died as the result of complications from an abdominal aortic aneurysm. I know you have probably heard this over and over, but it really does get better. You have to appreciate what friends and family tell you and accept that what they say is all they have and know how to give as they truly can't know the extent of your pain.
Your decision to bypass the barrooms is probably one of the wisest. Try to stick with that one.
I too know the fear and loneliness all too well. I can also tell you that even though it's been ten months since loosing Colleen I still find myself crying most days and pleading with God for even just the smallest amount of relief. I have also had my share of grief induced meltdowns in public places and have had the almost uncontrollable urge to rip just about anyone's face off for just about any reason.
But you want to know something??? All of this is NORMAL. It is part of the grieving process and we need to work through it.
John, trust me, there will come a day that you will be able to smile and enjoy life again. Right now it is probably extremely hard for you to grasp that but again, that is perfectly normal as well. I really wish I had some "magic potion" that could ease your pain and take away the darkness that's running through your veins, but there is no such animal. What I can tell you is that one of the most important things to do at this point is to try, the best as you may to keep your physical well being up to par.
I have found that for me, doing things that I enjoy....playing the guitar, nature, long rides help keep my mind somewhat balanced.
I don't know if you have checked into it or are already doing so, but through my local Hospice I see a Bereavement Counselor and have joined a grief group there as well. I find that talking with others in person who are in the same predicament is of great help. I also find that looking back to where I was at the beginning of this whole nightmare and where I am today helps me realize that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope and pray that this can help you in some way.
Take care and hang in there, John